Tuesday 21 July 2020

Screaming inside

Our lives have been dominated by health problems recently - physical, mental and stress related.  Husband has suffered from excessive tiredness ever since being diagnosed with heart failure, he usually falls asleep within minutes of sitting down in the evenings (after putting on some rubbish on tv that I'm not remotely interested in).  Although I think that's a general man thing anyway ๐Ÿ˜’.  But for the past few weeks it's been much more prevalent, it's now every time he sits down, whatever time of day.  And any physical work tires him out quickly.  He says he feels alright other than the tiredness, but feels he's not getting enough sleep (despite dropping off whenever he sits down!).  He reckons he's awake a lot during the night....I know he does wake up more often than he used to (he's always been a good sleeper, unlike me), but goes back to sleep within minutes, although claims to lie awake for ages.  (Funnily enough he never seems to be awake when I'm lying there awake for literally hours!).

He's been having increasing pain with his feet lately - he has damaged tendons caused, the consultant said, by wearing rigid steel toecapped work boots for years.  He needs an operation to break and reset the tendons, which means he'll be on crutches and unable to drive for 6 weeks. He actually had the op scheduled for last year but had to postpone it due to his repeated UTI and prostate problems.  Now that's under control, he can go ahead with the foot thing, he's got an appointment with his consultant on the 27th, although has been told that the op may not now be for several months, due to the covid situation.

With my new health problem, I had a phone consultation with a specialist, she gave me her opinion of what was causing the problem but said I needed a scan and tests for a firm diagnosis. When I rang the Choose and Book line for an appointment, however, I was told that they're not accepting any new referrals and thus couldn't give me an appointment at all and would unfortunately just have to wait.  Meaning I have no diagnosis and therefore no treatment and just have to manage on my own as best I can.  Last Friday, out of the blue, a letter arrived with an appointment for 12 August - an actual real face to face hospital appointment.  So things are progressing, finally.  It's not for a scan or tests though, just a chat with another consultant.

The covid situation affects us all in different ways.  For me, it's my mental health that's suffering, in a big way, I am finding it so very hard to cope with not seeing friends and family.  Yes I know restrictions are lifting and we can see people socially distanced in our gardens, and even indoors in some circumstances.  But when your friends and family don't live on your doorstep, and your own circumstances mean you can't travel for hours to see them, or they can't (or won't) come to you, it's bloody hard to cope with.  And if one more person says to me "well at least you're alive, many aren't" I think I'll scream.

Stress and anxiety is playing havoc with my digestive system and bowels, I've hardly been able to leave the house recently and haven't managed one single night staying in bed the whole night for weeks.  We did go out yesterday for a few hours, to Dunster beach, where I know the toilets are now open every day, thankfully.  That wasn't without drama though, we had a near miss on the way when some idiot almost crashed into my side of the car, leaving me shaking with nerves, and Betty's lead somehow came off at one point on the beach (we weren't letting her off the lead in that particular area as there were too many other dogs around).  Fortunately she did come back when called.


  1. Driving seems to have deteriorated doesn’t it. We had three near misses going up to DS’s to see our granddaughter and yes we did all hug and we held her (after self isolating for 9 days beforehand). Coming back, another couple of near misses as well.

  2. Oh gosh it really does sound like you are completely stressed out. I don't know what I can say to help except to remind you that you have lots of friends in blogland that totally have your back and understand parts of what you are going through. Sometimes just getting it all down in black and white through the keyboard can be enough to help offload the pressure a little bit.

    My Mum has heart failure and has lived with it for a few years now, falling asleep is something that happens a lot to her ... usually unfortunately halfway through some of her favourite programmes on television. So for once she is grateful of all the repeats currently on the box.

    1. I am like your Mum and I have heart failure plus a stroke and I sleep a lot I think it's something to do with the tablets, I feel for you Sooze but at least you can go to the beach and you have a nice garden. I think everyone gets fed up at times but I say to myself i am lucky I can walk and have good friends to chat to on the phone I cannot read very much now because of the stroke but there are still a lot I things can do, I like crocheting and make lots of baby blankets. Take care and. hopefully you will feel better when you go to the hospital.๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆ๐ŸŒˆHazel c uk

  3. Oh, Sooze, you do seem to have your fair share of worries at the moment. I hope the August appointment sheds some light for you. Covid has really impacted on every aspect of our lives. Everything is much more stressful and worrisome. I hope you can find something to help de-stress, even if it's just sitting quietly and doing nothing! xx

  4. What everyone has said above and sending lots and lots of love. Hopefully, just writing it all out helped a little bit.

  5. Hi Sooze, I'm new here and have only read this one post, but I just wanted to say that I know how it feels when you have a partner with long term health conditions, it's as exhausting for you as it is for them and it changes life beyond anything you can imagine, I hope you are OK and your appointment on 12 August gives you some answers xx JoAnna

  6. Sooze, I so wish I had answers but I don't all I can do is thinking of you and vibing over lots of strength and wish for a positive and good consultation on 12th August. xx

  7. I agree that now there are more cars on the road, there are more impatient idiots around. I'm glad you got to Dunster Beach, we usually check where toilets are open before we go anywhere. Expect Betty had a great time.
    At least there is progress with a hospital appointment, even if it's just to see a consultant, hopefully there will be a positive way forward with a scan or tests.
    I feel for you having friends and family that live a distance away. Sadly there is no easy answer at present. Best wishes.

  8. Oh poor you. I have been there and Tom like your husband does get very tired. I tend to go up to my craft room and get on with something that takes my mind off of things otherwise I would go bonkers.
    This whole covid thing is like a big joke isn't it. Was there really any need for all this uproar. So many people like you need to be seen, its disgusting the way this government have let things get out of hand.
    All I can say is keep trucking Sooze there will be an end when things will return to some kind of normality.
    Lots of virtual hugs

  9. I think everyone above has covered a lot of things so all I can say is that I am thinking of you at this difficult time and hope you find some peace soon and the consultation goes well. It is not easy living with illness day after day. Lots of virtual hugs x

  10. Good for Betty. She knew you needed her to come.
    Hugs . Do you watch movies? May help to take you away...from real life for a minute.
    I am sure there are call help lines that might help.

  11. I am sending you good wishes from California. This isolating is brutal at times, especially coupled with health problems. Could you invite a friend to come over and sit in front of your house for a chat? I hope your doctor appointment in August will find a solution for you and you will get those needed tests done.

  12. Oh Sooze I really do feel for you and what you are coping with at the moment. G's health problems haven't gone away either and he's still awaiting appointments, still in pain. My digestive system has been up the creek ever since lockdown too. I know my IBS is stress related and the cramps and rushing to the loo every 5 minutes don't help my haemorrhoids one jot. I paid to see a specialist to get my piles banded and he wouldn't help (although he said it was the way to treat them) because (reading between the lines) he was busy catching up after covid. I KNOW some people are much worse off than me but the bowel problem is blighting my life. I'm 70 now much life do I have left if I'm afraid to go out in case i need the loo? I do hope the hospital consultant can give you some positive help. And I hope you can see your family soon too. It's awful feeling isolated. Take care, Sooze, sending hugs x


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