New ways and daily life

 Thank you lovely readers for all the comments, much appreciated as always.

I'm feeling so much better now, the relief from the hospital appointment no doubt, along with having a very productive day yesterday and now feeling back in control.

I redid our budget, I do it every 3 months to ensure that everything is up to date, so that's all ok now until the end of the year.  Finished off the freezer and larder inventories and menu planned for next week.  I've decided we're going shopping twice a month from now on, at the beginning and mid month.  Every fortnight we'll also go to the farmers market on a Saturday morning to get cheeses and some fresh veg and possibly meat for husband.  I've marked off on the calendar when we'll be doing the shopping (Sainsburys and Aldi) and the farmers market on the Saturdays in between the 2 shopping dates.  It's not set in stone, there'll probably be days when we have something else to do (or life happens!) and we need to bring it forward or postpone it by a day or two, but I'll try to stick to it as much as possible.  I like having structure and focus, it keeps me on an even keel.

Husband cut the front hedge and lawn and weeded a flower bed, so he did good as well.  I made a king prawn korma curry for dinner yesterday, at his request, it was really nice.  Today he's having lambs liver, which he's offered to cook himself (good, as since stopping eating meat I really don't like the look or smell of offal).  He wants mashed potato with it, so I'll make myself some kind of veggie cottage pie with just a little mash (still low carbing).  For Sunday he and the dog are having roast chicken, I'll have a plateful of lovely roast and green veggies with cauli cheese.

On Monday we're going to Clarks Village, an outlet shopping centre, we like it there, especially the M&S, Cotton Traders, Next and Clarks outlet shops, we've had some good bargains in the past.  I need a new showerproof jacket, I like the padded/quilted ones with a hood, husband's going to pay for it as my birthday present.  I could do with some new winter boots too, my last year's ones are now leaking (as I discovered the other day at the caravan in the rain).

Sue, you made me laugh when you said men need to be reminded, feels like (but probably less than) 20 times a day.  Believe me, with husband's cognitive impairment, I'm constantly reminding him of things about 100x a day (well, it certainly feels like it!!).  Every. Single. Day.  Example - yesterday we took Betty to the groomers and then nipped into town for a small top up shop....husband also needed a new battery for his watch.  I reminded him, 3 or 4 times during the morning, to put his watch on.  He didn't.  Two minutes before we were leaving home, I reminded him again to take his watch or put it on.  Arriving in the shop, he said "oh bugger, I forgot my watch!!". 😂😒  On the way back from town, he also forgot we had to collect Betty, despite me reminding him on the way home, and drove past where we needed to go.  This is daily life.

Relief and improvements

 The letter from the hospital said I would be seeing the consultant or one of his associates - I saw the consultant, a short, jolly Asian man, after first having another ECG - my 7th in the past fortnight - and BP check.  After lots of discussion, him checking all my notes, ECGs, x-rays and bloods, taking my pulse and listening to my chest, he said he was confident that there's nothing much wrong with my heart, other than the slow heart rate/pulse.  He said that wasn't of particular concern, it's not excessively slow, although advised me to regularly check my BP and heart rate (I have a home monitor) and contact my GP if it gets significantly slower, or I get very breathless again.  And he said definitely ring 999 if I have chest pain, don't wait to call the GP in the morning.  He was of the opinion that my symptoms were caused by severe anxiety and stress - he said that prolonged stress/anxiety can, in his words, "do nasty things to our bodies as well as our minds".  He recommended I take my anti-anxiety med regularly - twice a day - for the time being, rather than just when I feel I need it.  When I feel the anxiety/stress are under control (i.e. when the situations that are causing me the anxiety calm down....erm, not much chance of that) and I want to come off the anti-anxiety med, I must do it gradually.  I feel reassured and relieved.

I've had another chat with husband, he's decided he definitely doesn't want to take antidepressants.  Fair enough, he's a grown man, I can't force him.  He does, however, agree that he needs to help me more, and help himself by being more active and not just sitting dozing in front of the TV all day.  I've told him it's a choice between that or taking antidepressants, carrying on the way he has been is just not fair on himself or me.  He agreed.

I'm involving him more in meal choosing and prep.....normally I just do it all, deciding what we'll eat (we often have different meals as I don't eat meat and he does) and preparing it.  He's not a fussy eater and will basically eat whatever I give him, but recently I've been asking him what he wants when I'm doing the menu planning, and when he comes into the supermarket with me I get him to choose what meats he wants.  So far it's working out well, he's showing more interest, has offered to cook a few times and even come up with suggestions for meals.  He's also starting to get into the habit of watching a programme on TV and then switching it off, rather than keeping it on and aimlessly flicking through channels.  So some progress is being made.  He now knows we have to work together to help each other, I can't continue struggling on to cope with everything by myself.

Still worrying

 I've got the appointment at the rapid access chest clinic this afternoon, the letter says to get there 15 mins before the appointment time so I can have some tests first.  From memory of husband's visits there, that'll be (yet another) ECG, BP check and (yet more) bloods, I think.  Husband will be taking me, obviously - he asked if I wanted him to come in with me (I accompany him to all his medical appointments).  I've said no, he'll only be rabbiting away, distracting both me and the doctor, and I'll not have to worry about what inappropriate thing he'll say next....that happens a lot nowadays, he's got no filter.  I don't mind going in on my own, I prefer it actually.  Husband will drop me off and then go and have a mooch around a nearby store which has a cafe, I'll ring him when I'm ready to be picked up.  Car parking charges at the hospital are astronomical.

I am a bit worried about going, even though I'm fairly sure my recent health problems are down to stress and anxiety.  I suppose I'm a bit concerned that I won't be taken seriously, that I'll just be dismissed as yet another neurotic old woman (although I'm not that old!) with hypochondria.  But then I'm also worried that it may yet turn out to be something serious....even though it's unlikely.  I'm just a mass of worries at the moment, my head doesn't know whether it's coming or going.

I've got plenty to do to keep me occupied this morning - I want to do a full freezer and larder inventory, I want October to be a low spend month using up our food stores before shopping for more.  This month was supposed to be like that, only life got in the way and things went haywire.  I've got banking and some admin stuff to do as well.  Husband says he's going to cut the lawns front and back.  The Storm Agnes didn't really have much of an impact here - yes we had quite strong winds and a short burst of heavyish rain, but it all passed over quite quickly, with no damage.  Did it affect any of you much?

Betty kept me awake (well, her and my brain ticking over) a lot last night, she was snoring quite heavily and having a lot of woofy dreams - in fact I considered waking her up and making her go downstairs but couldn't face it.  I rather like her sleeping on my bed (she sleeps on a blanket on top of the duvet, not actually in it with me), generally down the bottom of the bed, with her head resting on my feet usually.  Keeps my feet warm, although I eventually have to move her off when I want to get some feeling back into them!

I said in a previous blog that you certainly find out who your friends are when you have a crisis - a couple of our friends and neighbours, and oddly enough ones who I would have thought would have been more helpful and concerned, weren't particularly.  And since then they've been conspicuous by their absence, it's like they're avoiding us.  I was worrying about that too, but now it's a case of 🤷.

Some progress

 Thank you for comments, I think my very low mood yesterday was exacerbated by a really bad night and hardly any sleep.  Slept better last night so I feel a lot better today.  I had a very helpful phone consultation with my GP yesterday afternoon, he came up with a couple of good suggestions to help husband with some of his most severe memory problems, which in turn should help me to cope better.  It came to light a few days ago that husband had completely missed taking one of his meds - for up to a month, he can't remember exactly, he thinks it happened because he finished up one box of the med (one of his prostate tabs, he takes 2 different ones) and simply forgot to open the new box the next day.  I always make a point every day of checking with him that he's taken his meds....mostly he has, but does forget on occasion, hence why I remind him.  However, it didn't occur to me to check on each individual tablet.  The GP reassured me that of all the meds husband takes, the particular one he'd omitted to take was probably the 'best' one to forget - or rather the least problematical if he didn't take it.  So that was a relief.  He did say it would probably be of great benefit for husband to use a dosset (tablet) box - he did have one that I got for him some time last year, but he quickly got fed up with filling it up and just gave up on it - and now he can't find it, he's put it somewhere but has no idea where.  So I shall buy him another one tomorrow, and we will both sit down once a week and fill it up together, hopefully avoiding any tablet mishaps in future.

The GP also said it would be beneficial if I could persuade husband (or get husband to go see the GP with me and GP and I would tackle him together) to either have antidepressants or some kind of CBT.  Well, he's previously said he doesn't want tablets as he takes enough of them as it is, and flatly refused to consider any kind of talking therapy.  However, the GP said an antidepressant could possibly help with husband's memory problems, so that's a good bargaining chip.  The GP also said that it would be best to encourage husband to do more, both physically and mentally, which should help his mood and in turn his memory.  I know that and constantly try to get him more involved and doing things, but so far it's been a (very steep) uphill struggle.  I won't give up though.  One thing I am going to do is to say he can't have the TV on and doze in front of it all day - he can watch one or 2 afternoon programmes he particularly likes, but he's not having it on all the time for just any old rubbish.  And he certainly doesn't need to watch the news (which is all doom and gloom anyway) 3 or 4 times a day!

I have had a preliminary chat with husband and let him know just how difficult I'm finding things, and how it would impact heavily on him if I couldn't go on.  He did seem to take in the seriousness of it, it certainly seemed to make him think.  He even came up with a couple of suggestions of his own.

I've had 2 letters, a phone call and 2 texts reminding me about my appointment tomorrow at the rapid access chest clinic, they certainly don't want me to forget.

Buckling

 We've had to come home a day early, there was another problem whilst away which, once again, I had to deal with and smooth things over, after which I just wanted to be home.  

We've taken down the gazebo in the van garden and covered over the garden furniture, emptied out pots of summer bedding and planted some more bulbs in pots.  Garden all swept and tidied, so that's one closing-down job out of the way.  We'll be going back in a week or two to stay for the final time before putting the van to bed for the winter.

I've come home to several letters needing my attention, a couple of medical appointments (for me, not husband, for a change), some emails to deal with and phone calls to make and a thick envelope stuffed with leaflets and reading matter from the Carers Champion at the surgery.  I can't read all that yet, my brain is too full already.  I have a telephone consultation with the GP later on this afternoon.

These last couple of days, I have tried to impress upon husband that I am buckling under the weight of responsibilities and not coping very well at all - he just doesn't seem to get it though.  I told him I look after him and the dog to the best of my ability, but who looks after me?  He merely looked blank, shrugged and said well he could do some cooking.  See - he doesn't get it, cooking is the very least of my worries.

We've had a few too many carb-heavy foods over the last few days - not exactly planned, but sometimes life gets in the way of healthy eating and it's necessary just to eat something quick and easy.  So consequently my guts and joints are rebelling.  

I need to write a few 'to do' lists and change a few things to make my life easier, or I'm going to break.  At the moment I feel like I'm standing on the very edge of a precipice, and totally alone.

And I've just found out that a very dear friend has a major health problem, which has had both she and me in tears.  

Out of kilter

 I'm all out of kilter right now, we've had so much going on the past 3 or 4 weeks and it's really thrown me off balance, I feel unwell and stressed up to the eyeballs.  Good job we're at the van so I don't have too much responsibility.  The crisis I mentioned, although mostly resolved, is still having repercussions and giving me anxiety.  One thing I will say....a crisis really shows you who your friends are!  A couple have been absolutely marvellous, truly helpful and kindness personified, others not so much.

Our lovely van neighbours C&J are off home today, this was their last visit for this year.  Always sad when we have to say goodbye to them for 6 months (they don't come back until April, whereas we start up again in March).  I'll miss them a lot, although we do keep in touch via phone.

All (mostly) good

 It's been a busy morning of phone calls and texts already, and it's only just gone 9 am.  The car hire people to say they're coming to collect the car this morning, the dealer we bought the new one from arranging to deliver it later on today.  And 2 calls from the GP surgery, one to give me the appointment for my referral to the chest pain clinic at the big hospital, next Thursday, the other for the 24-hour heart monitor - 27 November (GP did tell me there's a waiting list).  My blood results are in - no heart failure and no signs of under (or over) active thyroid, so that's all good.  There's still the slow heart rate, palpitations and chest tightness, but I'm really of the opinion that - certainly the palpitations and tightness - are down to stress and anxiety.  And I don't think the slower than normal heart rate is much to be concerned about, although of course I'm not a doctor.

I actually slept fairly well last night, got off to sleep quite quickly and think I only woke up twice, and didn't lie awake for hours, I went back off fairly easily.  Woke up for a wee at about 05.15 and knew there was no chance of getting back to sleep, so just got back in bed cuddling the dog and reading the paper on my phone.

Got a few things to do today, including a couple of jobs earmarked for husband.  I'm quite looking forward to the new car getting here, it's a really nice looking and comfortable car and, being a sort of SUV/MPV thing (I don't really know what the difference is, and am not interested enough in cars to find out!) it's taller than a normal car, so easier to get in and out of with my dodgy hips and back.  It's a lovely deep teal green colour - colour is quite important in a car isn't it?! 😂😉

Edited to add:-

The crisis I mentioned a week or so ago has been resolved, to our satisfaction.  So that's another worry to cross off the list.

Mix of nay and yay! 😄

 The ECG I had at the GP surgery yesterday showed sinus bradycardia - slower than normal heartrate.  I guess that's why the GP requested a blood test for hypothyroidism, and it may explain why I've been so tired recently - well, if it's not just the lack of sleep!  He said he'd like me to have a 24-hour heart monitor, although apparently there's a waiting list for that.

The surgery Carers Champion, Sarah, rang me in the afternoon - she's really nice, we had a good long chat.  She's registered me as husband's official carer, is sending me a Carers Pack in the post, and gave me details of loads of useful websites and people to ring, such as the Village Agent who she said knows everything about everything!  She also said I can ring her (Sarah) anytime for a chat over the phone, or make an appointment to see her at the surgery if I'd rather chat in private.  She was lovely actually and I felt a lot more positive and 'heard' afterwards.

Husband has this very irritating habit of ordering car parts off the internet for whatever car we have at the time - not because we need them, but because we MIGHT need them in the future!  He's still got a complete new clutch assembly for the car we had BEFORE the one that's just been scrapped.....he bought it because it was a bargain - in his words.  The thing didn't actually need a new clutch, but he said (when it was delivered and I asked what it was/why he'd bought it) that the car would probably need it sooner or later 😒😠.  So now we're stuck with it cluttering up the garage - he's tried selling it but nobody wants it - well, it is kind of specialised and the car it fits wasn't exactly a popular one.  So what did I notice yesterday....him looking at car parts on ebay!   I could brain him sometimes.

I've given him explicit instructions NOT to order anything for this new (to us) car - it comes with a warranty, we've got full breakdown cover and he's got a parts & labour warranty with the AA in any case, so we don't need any random spare parts!! 😜

We're back on the housing register as I (think) I said, I've put in a bid on the one suitable property available this week - it's a nice enough property, but isn't in our preferred area - too far away from the caravan really.  One bonus though is that it's within walking distance of a GP surgery that has excellent reviews for care.

Another good thing - I've finally broken the stone barrier with my diet, I've now lost 1st 2lbs, which pleases me greatly.  I've settled into a habit of having a small brunch around 11.30 am - perhaps 1 slice of sourdough toast or a couple of rye crispbreads, with cheese or cottage cheese, some gherkins and olives and an apple.  I have a normal dinner of fish or something vegetarian, with mostly green veg to accompany it, followed by a couple of small easy peelers or a yogurt.  My appetite has certainly reduced, I'm having smaller portions and no snacks between meals - I've never really been one for snacking anyway (that's husband!).

Take a break?!?!

 Thank you for all the lovely comments, I'm feeling a lot better than I did last week.  Sue, I hope you get on ok with the echo, yes I hate medical stuff too.  But unfortunately it's necessary!

My GP, who is brilliant and we feel fortunate to be under his care, was very thorough.  He's had the report from the A&E doctor, although he said some of the bloods results were still unavailable, and no ECG results - apparently the hospital routinely do not send ECG results to the GP, no idea why not.  I have to go back to GP this morning to have yet more bloods taken (good job we have pints of it in our bodies) and yet another ECG, so the GP can see exactly what's going on.  He gave me a GTN spray (the same as husband has for his angina) with instructions to make sure I use it whenever I get the breathlessness and/or tight chest.  And to call 999 if it doesn't work!  He's referring me to cardiology.  Wouldn't it be ironic if both husband and I have heart problems?!  Obviously I hope it isn't heart problems, I'm inclined to think it's all down to stress and anxiety - of which I've had an overabundance the past few months (ha bloody ha).

The GP, who knows all about husband's problems, asked me if I have opportunities to take a break from caring and go do something else away from the home regularly......I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or dissolve into buckets of tears.  NO! is the short answer, not where we live and with me not being able to drive.  Apparently they have a 'Carers Champion' at the surgery (who knew?), he is going to get her to give me a call.

My head feels like a large bowl full of bits of paper detailing what I've got to do and remember, and it's constantly being added to.....so much so that it's now full up and overflowing, with the bits of paper constantly falling out as there's just no room left for any more.

More stress and hassle yesterday - we rang the car hire co. to let them know they can come and collect the courtesy car on Friday.....only to be told that actually they are coming to get it today!  We told them that no they cannot have it back until Friday, as that is when our new car is being delivered and because of where we live and our health conditions, we absolutely cannot be left without a car.  They rang the insurers and rang us back (I was busy and husband answered it) - saying the insurers had agreed we can keep it till Monday - which husband agreed to, at which point I had to quickly intercede and say no it has to be this Friday, as we're going away on Saturday! (he'd forgotten already).

See, this is what I'm up against - husband can't remember anything, therefore, he can't be trusted to arrange anything as he will almost certainly get it wrong.  I've told him on numerous occasions not to make any arrangements without running it by me first, and said it would be preferable to hand the phone over to me, or at least put it on speakerphone so I can hear what's being said.  But of course he forgets.

It was terribly windy during the night, which kept waking me up, fortunately it's supposed to die down today.  Off to the surgery for more bloods and the ECG this morning, then I've got some cooking and several other jobs to do.

Crises, dramas and good things

 Apologies for the absence, we've had a crisis going on - I'm not giving any details, sorry.  It's not over yet but has eased a bit.

To temper that, there's been some good news - we've found and bought another car, it's being delivered to us on Friday.  It's a nice small SUV, much nicer than our old car and will perfectly suit our needs.  It's had just one owner from new and been regularly dealer-serviced.  We're very pleased.

Our housing application review has been done (miraculously, they advised us the day after I emailed asking when we could expect to hear, as they'd exceeded the time limit given 😉😒) so we can now carry on searching for a suitable property.  Not that we are expecting to be successful anytime soon, but at least we're now back on the ladder.

I haven't been feeling well for some time now, I'd put it down to stress, I hadn't gone to the doctor (my reasoning being it was indeed most likely to be stress, and I haven't got time to be ill).  However, last Thursday I felt very unwell all day and come the evening it got significantly worse, to the point where I felt like I was having a heart attack.  To cut a long story short, it wasn't a heart attack according to the paramedics' ECG, but the reading wasn't 'as normal as it should be' in their words!  They said there was something showing up and they needed to take me to hospital for further tests.  We arrived about 11 pm and I was whisked into a cubicle in the emergency ward straight away, bypassing the queue of other ambulances already there - they said they needed to have me in so they could monitor me and do further tests.  Throughout the night I had a further 3 ECGs, some chest x-rays and several tubes of bloods taken.  I had my BP and oxygen sats checked every hour, along with a few stethoscope chest checks.  I was there all night, seeing a doctor finally around 5 am.  He confirmed I hadn't had a heart attack but agreed with the paramedics that my ECGs were somewhat abnormal, although the chest x-ray seemed fine.  My bloods showed no infection, but a couple of results (for what, I don't know) wouldn't be back for a couple of days.  He said I could go home, but that I needed to go back for an echocardiogram (different to an ECG apparently, husband has had a couple) and some further checks, which would be arranged by my GP, I'm seeing him today.  The hospital doctor said he would be recommending to the GP that I have the echo within 2 weeks.

A large hospital emergency ward is not a nice place to be throughout the night - it was very busy indeed, and several of the incoming patients were drunks or obviously high on drugs - being very loud, falling over and causing no end of problems, both for the accompanying Police and the unfailingly patient, kind and cheerful hospital staff.  One patient, with mental problems, brought in by 3 carers, had apparently superhuman strength and was fighting with all his carers, 2 security guards and assorted medical staff - he was eventually taken away, I know not where.  The staff were all wonderful and I can't fault them at all, I don't know how they cope.  

Obviously I'm a bit concerned, but am not worrying until I know whether there's something to actually worry about.  I'm glad I've been checked out.  I think it's given husband a short, sharp shock (he didn't accompany me to hospital, I told him to stay home with Betty).  I certainly feel better than I did last week.

We're hoping to go to the caravan again at the weekend, for a few days, can't say for sure at the moment as we still have a few things going on, including the new car arriving and taking away of the courtesy car.

Incidentally, the insurance settlement offer for our written-off car was actually MORE than we paid for the car a year ago - so Mrs LH, you're right, prices of second-hand cars have risen dramatically.  We are lucky to have found the new car at a good price.

 

 Blog is temporarily suspended, sorry.

Well blow me down!

 I've not been feeling at all well the past few days, I'm sure it's down to stress.  Yesterday I had a day off - I only did what was absolutely necessary in the morning, then went to bed for a couple of hours after lunch.  I gather husband sat downstairs and watched back to back episodes of some sci-fi thing on TV....he doesn't think to do anything at all in the way of housework or things that need doing unless I specifically ask him to do it.  Well, that's how life is nowadays, just have to accept it.

But anyway, we've had a phone call from the 3rd party insurers this morning - they are writing the car off (as expected) and have given us a settlement figure - which amazingly is actually considerably MORE than we were expecting.  So no arguments, we've accepted it straight away.  The money should be paid into our account early next week.  Husband is of course delighted and is already boring the pants off me reading out details of numerous cars he's looking at online.  We won't be buying a car until the money is actually in the bank, so I'm not really wanting to be force-fed tons of car details in the lead up till then.  So I'm getting him to take us to our favourite beach for a walk, that should give my ears a bit of respite for a while.

Thank you everyone for your comments and continued support....I know I've been very remiss in not saying so lately, life has taken over.  Please know that I do appreciate you all, though.

No!

 Over the past 10 days or so, husband has had numerous phone calls on his mobile, to do with the car saga.  At least half of these I've had to answer.....because he doesn't have his phone with him, doesn't hear it or has gone out without it, despite me reminding him countless times that he needs to keep it with him, especially at the moment!  Even when it's rung whilst in his pocket, every single time (yes literally) he looks puzzled and asks "Is that your phone?".  No dear, it's yours!  And our ring tones are totally different!  He caused another problem yesterday to do with the insurance stuff - I'm not going into details, but I told him if he insists on going ahead with it, he's on his own, I will not help him as I don't agree with it and it could potentially cause a lot of aggravation.  Basically, he's clutching at straws and is not thinking straight - well, he has trouble with that anyway nowadays.  I'm getting more frazzled and worn down every day.

He's going out to brunch this morning with his mate  - well, he calls it brunch but they go about 08.15 so it's early, and he's always hungry again by lunchtime.  At least I'll have a couple of hours on my own - I don't think I'll do anything, just sitting gazing into space and letting my mind relax sounds about all I can cope with right now.

We're going back to the caravan next week - whether we've got a new car or not.  We'd already planned to go there next week anyway, as our lovely van neighbours C&J will be spending their last week of the season there - they don't go in October, unless the weather is forecast to be very warm.  If the insurers quibble over us still using the courtesy car next week, I shall simply tell them we're on a planned holiday and therefore we still need the car.  We didn't really enjoy our last week there, it was marred by the car incident and all the phone calls and worry.  And of course all our fellow owners wanted to know what had happened to the car (the very visible damage all down one side) and we got fed up with repeating the story constantly.  I need a week without problems or stress - what are the chances of getting it?

Not a dumb blonde anymore

 Not that I ever was.....dumb that is.

I've been colouring my hair since I was about 14, my natural colour was a sort of mousy nondescript dark blonde.  I've always dyed it a much lighter blonde, although occasionally I had it purple all over, or sometimes blue or pink highlights.  I once dyed it red - a mistake, it didn't suit my skin colouring so soon went back to blonde.  I normally colour it about 4x a year.....well, I haven't done it for ages, probably 6 months or more, and consequently it's now mostly faded and grey.  I've not purposely decided to stop colouring it and go grey - what with all that's been going on in our lives, I just haven't got round to it, it didn't seem important and actually rarely even crossed my mind.  As I don't wear makeup and am not one for messing about with my hair (in terms of styling it, I mean - I'm strictly a 'wash and go' type), I don't look in the mirror much anyway, so don't really notice my hair.

The last day or so I've wondered about colouring it again, but decided I probably won't - let's face it, it's just vanity, nobody really cares what colour my hair is.  Husband, being a man, hasn't commented - I doubt he's even noticed.  I've got more pressing things to worry about than keeping my hair coloured, it's really not important.  I'm not saying I'll never do it again, I just can't be bothered right now.  And, to be honest here, it's down to very low self image/confidence too - nobody cares much about me so why should I care about myself?  I'm not looking for sympathy, that's just how I feel at the moment.  And before anyone says it, I'm not depressed - just stressed.

It's now been just over 3 weeks since the Council informed me they were doing a routine reassessment of our housing application - during this reassessment we are unable to place any bids on homes until the review has been completed.  They said it should take 'up to 3 weeks' - but they currently have a backlog and it may take longer (which it obviously is, what a surprise....not).  It's frustrating, but nothing we can do about it - as with everything else, we just have to wait.

Depending on how much the insurers offer us for the car (not much, I'm sure), I may have to give husband some of the money I've been saving for our moving fund, in order to get a half decent car.  So it doesn't really matter that we're unable to bid for homes right now, it'll give me more time to build the fund back up again.

Getting on with non-car stuff

 I appreciate all the interest and suggestions regarding us getting another car, however, I think I should point out that our car was 13 years old, had fairly high mileage and wasn't in very good condition, so the offer we'll be receiving will be a low one!  I'm being realistic about it, husband is not.  So any car we buy will of necessity be a fairly old one.

Oh, and thank you for the info re keyless cars, I think I get it now.

It was another far too hot and sticky day yesterday, despite a couple of thunderstorms and showers.  We could only do any work in the morning, as by lunchtime we were both far too sweaty and uncomfortable to do anything.  Betty was the same, she was very lethargic and pretty much slept all day, occasionally moving to find a cooler spot.  Husband did a bit of pruning and tidying up in the garden, I worked in the kitchen - 2 fish pies, 2 cauli & broccoli cheese bakes, and a butternut squash chopped and roasted with spices.  We had one of the fish pies for dinner yesterday, everything else was frozen.  We had it with fresh peas (bought), I do love fresh ones and podding them brings back memories of sitting on my Nanna's back doorstep helping her to pod Granddad's peas.  Well, I ate more than I put in the pot back then as a child, they're so sweet and delicious raw.

Thankfully, it's much cooler and fresher today - a week of 30 deg heat and humidity did me in.  I've got plenty of stuff to be getting on with this week, so am very glad the weather is cooler.  I think I've persuaded husband to do more in the garden, it's getting very overgrown again as he just hasn't been keeping on top of it.  He needs to get in the garden to break his obsessiveness about the car stuff, it's taking over his life (and therefore mine, trying to rein him in).

Crazy!!

 We've been out a couple of times in the courtesy car - as it's an SUV, unlike our previous car, it's a nice height and is much easier to get in and out of.  I'd been finding the old car a bit of a problem getting in and out of it, with my bad back and hips.  It would be good if we could get a car like the SUV, it would be much better in terms of accessibility and driving view.  We have had several SUVs/MPVs/4x4s in the past and I do prefer them.  Husband's had a few minor problems driving this SUV - it's so much newer and has different equipment and drives very differently from our old car, he's not totally got used to it yet.  I'm having a bit of a problem getting my head round the keyless thing - the deliveryman told husband that he doesn't even need the keyfob thing to open and start the car, he can just get in and drive it off....erm, well how does that stop literally anyone from getting in and stealing it then? 😕😲 The guy did say though that once the car stops, you need the keyfob thing to start it again.  Well, what's to stop any thieves just driving away in any keyless car, then stopping and looking around for the next nearest keyless one and nicking that instead?  I don't understand it, but, frankly, I can't be bothered to google it - we won't have this car for very long anyway, and it's highly unlikely we'll be buying a keyless one.  The courtesy car is covered by insurance in the event of it being stolen, so I won't be worrying about it.

Husband has now come up with yet another totally crazy idea, honestly he's really doing my head in.  You know the 'GoFundMe' and things like that - charity pages people set up to ask for donations?  They're normally done by people who have a relative who needs life-saving very expensive surgery, perhaps in another country, or serious things like that.  Well, husband suggested yesterday that we (meaning I) set one up to ask for donations for a replacement car for us - and he was actually being serious.  He's got it into his head that we won't get enough of a payout to get a 'decent' car.  Well, he's partly right - we won't have £thousands, that's for sure.  But I wouldn't dream of doing something like that - in this case it's akin to writing begging letters to people for no good reason, and I told him quite categorically that I'm not doing it.  I guess it's fortunate that he's not got enough knowledge or computer savvy to do it himself.  I'm beginning to dread getting up in the morning, waiting to see what he'll come up with next.

We went to the local farmers market yesterday morning - as I've mentioned before, it's not one of those hugely expensive artisan markets, it's a market (held at the local livestock market grounds) purely for local producers and growers to sell their goods, at pretty cheap prices.  There's a cheese and cold meats salesman who sells big 1kg blocks of local mature Cheddar at the amazing price of £5 per block.  I buy two blocks at once, when I get home I immediately grate one block and freeze it, the other I cut into 4 smaller blocks and wrap each bit individually in greaseproof paper and put in the fridge, it keeps far better wrapped in greaseproof than in the clingfilm it comes wrapped in.  We eat a lot of cheese, especially me being vegetarian, and I love cheese anyway, and buying it this way works out so much cheaper than buying smaller pieces at the supermarket.

There was a heavy rain shower very early this morning before I got up, it does actually feel a bit cooler and fresher - thank goodness, it was unbearably hot and muggy yesterday.  However, the forecast says it's going to be very muggy again today, although rain showers and possible thunderstorm are forecast.  

Bye bye car - Edited

 The courtesy car arrived yesterday morning, it's very nice - an MG SUV with just 11,000 miles on the clock.  It's certainly much nicer than any car we've had for a lot of years, and nicer than anything we'll be able to afford in replacement.  So we'll enjoy it whilst we've got it.  It's keyless, which we've never had before, so I made sure the deliveryman showed husband exactly how to operate it, and husband sat in it and started it up whilst the chap was still there - I was worried that the guy would drive off and husband wouldn't know how to even open the door, let alone drive it!

However, the garage people coming to collect our car, having told husband that they'd be coming in the morning around 11 am, didn't then turn up until about 5.30 pm.  No phone calls to let us know about the delay, husband had to ring them twice.  Still, it's gone now and I suspect we won't be seeing that car again - in fact the garage person said as much.  So, once we are told how much the insurers are paying us, we'll be looking for another car, which bores the pants off me and frustrates me in equal measures.  When you have only limited funds and can only get a relatively old car, it's such a blimmin lottery, the potential for problems with the car is huge.  And as I'm not remotely interested in cars anyway, it makes it even more challenging, especially with husband's cognitive problems.  I'm not looking forward to it at all - dreading it actually.

Jane and HH, you're both so right, husband is definitely more anxious and confused than usual and keeps doing stuff he thinks is helping, but it's the opposite, it's just making things more stressful for me when I have to keep either explaining things to him, or dealing with the fallout of his actions.  I know he can't help it, but boy is it frustrating!  As an example, I could ask him the same question 3x within the space of an hour or so, and he'll give me a different answer every time.  His recollection of things that others tell him is very sketchy too, and also changes all the time.  I'm sure the situation with the car has affected him a lot....hopefully he'll improve once it's all settled and we have another car.

I'm doing well with keeping the food shopping spend low, I've spent about half of what I usually do so far.  Mind you, it helps that we've been given a lot of home grown produce by neighbours, and we have our own home grown apples, although not nearly as many as last year.

EDIT

 For those of you who said they knew of people who had bought back written off cars, done them up and either kept or resold them - that's not happening here.  Husband, at his age and with his health problems, is in no fit state to do that, and I don't want all the hassle (he wouldn't be able to deal with all the admin stuff on his own, never mind the sourcing parts/doing the car up).  The car really isn't worth it anyway - it was falling to bits before the accident, and kept getting random warning lights coming up on the dashboard again.  I shall be glad to be shot of it.

Oh for goodness sake!

 Just when I thought it was all being sorted out....the promised courtesy car didn't arrive yesterday.  Upon ringing, it transpired that, for whatever reason, it's now been scheduled for today instead.  Nice of them to tell us!  😒

For the last few days husband has been inputting his and the car details into various car selling/salvage websites - without my knowledge and for reasons which aren't entirely clear to me....I assume he's clutching at straws and trying to see if he can get (what he considers) a better deal for the car!  Which means I've been having to field phone calls from these people, telling them we're not interested and asking them not to call again - as if I haven't enough to deal with already ever since the accident.  Husband doesn't seem to understand that the matter is being taken care of by the 3rd party insurers, nor does he understand exactly what is involved if the car is indeed written off, as expected.  He even suggested that we could keep the car as it is and get it repaired ourselves (why?!?!  makes no sense to me).  If it is declared a write off, then he suggested we could keep it, reinsure it and carry on driving it!  I've explained to him - again - that if it's written off, our insurance stops immediately, we cannot reinsure it and the car immediately becomes the property of the 3rd party insurance company.  I've asked him to please leave well alone now and not do anything else - whether he takes notice remains to be seen.

His cognitive impairment problems are being shown up in great detail over all this, and it's really causing problems for me.  All that combined with the horrible muggy heat of the past few days, and consequent lack of sleep, aren't doing me any good, I feel totally stressed and worn out with it all.

It wasn't sunshiney yesterday, blanket dull cloud instead and very hazy - that Sahara dust is covering everything, our windows and everyone's cars are covered in it.  It was also extremely humid, really uncomfortable wet heat.  Betty was very lethargic, she mostly lay in front of the fan all day, and she's been terribly restless throughout the last few nights, meaning neither of us gets much sleep.  The temperature isn't set to drop until next Monday or Tuesday, so another few days yet of humidity.  I know we shouldn't complain, but personally I'd much rather be cold than hot.

I didn't have to print out the vet insurance claim forms in the end.....on ringing the vets, they admitted they've had the emails from the insurers, but have been so busy they haven't yet got round to filling in the forms.  They did apologise and said they'd do it as a matter of urgency.  So that's one less problem.

All change with the cars, and more healthy eating/batch cooking

 The courtesy car is being delivered today, our car is being taken away tomorrow.  It's looking very likely that it will be scrapped.  I don't really care one way or the other, I don't get emotionally attached to any car, they're just a means of getting from A to B.  I've been re-reading the paperwork the third party insurers emailed to us with regard to the courtesy car, it states that we may have the car for 'as long as you reasonably need it'.  So presumably we can keep it until we get another car, as we'll have no other means of transport living in this very rural area - well I shall be pushing for that anyway, they do state it in black and white!

I made a dozen large cheese scones yesterday (HH I used the defrosted runny yogurt, it worked perfectly, and yes I'm sure straining the defrosted yogurt in future would thicken it, and provide whey to use in baking), I've frozen most of them.  I also made a crustless quiche, we had half of it for dinner yesterday with some veg, the rest has been frozen.  The final half cup or so of the defrosted yogurt will be used as a starter for a new batch of yogurt I'm making today, I'll make half the quantity I made the first time.  I think I'll add some powdered milk when I'm heating up the milk initially, I read somewhere online that this helps to thicken it - it's worth a try.

By lunchtime it was too hot for any more cooking, so I was glad I'd already made the quiche for dinner.  In the afternoon I made a few necessary phone calls and did some admin, then went upstairs and read my book - my bedroom stays reasonably cool as it's north facing.  Husband mowed the lawns then spent the afternoon resting (dozing) in front of the TV.

I've got quite a lot of green veggies (broccoli, courgettes, runner and edamame beans, Savoy cabbage, chives from the garden) so will make a green risotto for dinner today, there's a 1/3 of a jar of pesto in the fridge which needs using up too.  I will be using brown basmati rice rather than conventional white risotto rice - healthier and doesn't raise blood glucose as much.  Husband will have some chicken with his risotto, I'll just have the risotto with a sprinkle of grated cheese.  I'm happy to say I'm still losing weight, another 1lb off this week, making 13lb now altogether.  I didn't lose anything last week, but didn't put any on either so was content with that.  I've started introducing some carbs, but not every day and only small portions, seems to be working alright and I've not had any gut problems as a result.  The risotto will be heavy on the veg, but only a small amount of rice.  I'm anticipating there being at least half of it to freeze, I'm trying to build up a stock of ready made meals for our next caravan visit in a couple of weeks or so.

Daily irritations and a hot kitchen morning

 It's all problems and irritations at the mo - late yesterday afternoon I had an email from our pet insurers, saying they'd emailed our vet twice with the claim forms (for Betty's ear op) for them to fill in, but hadn't heard back from them.  So I've got that to sort out this morning.  The vet did tell me a couple of weeks ago that they've had a few problems with their email system recently, so I guess that's not been resolved yet, I'll ring them to find out.  It'll probably be best if I print off the claim forms and post them to the vet.  That brings its own challenges though - I'm not much good at printing things (I rarely have to print anything so I always forget how to use the printer and have to look it up each time!  And sometimes the printer doesn't want to talk to my computer!).

Husband locked himself out of his bank account again yesterday, inputting the wrong sign-in details 3x in a row, despite me having written them down for him to copy.  I've told him, several times, that if he wants to check his bank account, just let me know and I'll sign in for him....he forgets though.  It's only a temporary suspension, I expect he'll (well, I'll) be able to sign into it today.

I've got loads of veg to process today - we've been given masses of home grown runner beans, courgettes and tomatoes by neighbours, for which I'm very grateful.  Got some batch cooking to do and freeze as well.  I bought a small gammon joint and cooked it in the slow cooker yesterday, I'm making a few meals with it, I shall try and make it go as far as possible.  I'm thinking a frittata or crustless quiche, a pasta bake and a layered root veg and gammon thing.  I might use a small amount to make a sandwich spread with for husband's lunches - whizzing it up in my mini processor with some Philly-type soft cheese and mustard.  The homemade yogurt I tried freezing has turned out quite watery once defrosted - it still tastes ok but I've decided to use it up by making scones, it'll be perfect for that.

Better get on before it gets too hot in the kitchen!

Saving (money and my sanity)

 We both slept reasonably well last night - well, reasonable for us! - although it took me a while to get off to sleep as the farmers were busy harvesting in a nearby field, they work late into the night when they're harvesting.  Betty was restless too (hot, most likely) and woke me a few times.  Predictably, she's now fast asleep.

I'm putting the car stuff out of my mind (as far as I can!!) and am not going to mention it again until it's all settled.  It really is a pain in the rear though, and brought home to me how husband is definitely not capable of dealing with things like this anymore, his handling of it has caused a few problems.  He's been drip feeding me little bits of information (not purposely avoiding telling me, it's just what he remembers several hours/days later), and sometimes the things he's been telling me contradict what he's already told me, so it's all a bit of a jumble.  His own insurers are none too happy but their hands are tied.  It'll be over sooner or later though - whether we'll be happy with the outcome remains to be seen.

Husband's got his diabetic eye screening at the local small hospital today, so I'll have a bit of peace and quiet for a couple of hours.....which is good as I have several bits of admin stuff and banking to do.

I'm determined to spend as little as possible on food this month - it's really important for us to save as much as we can.  The media keeps saying that inflation costs on food are coming down - well, not that I've noticed, they haven't.  There are the odd one or two products that have come down a little bit in price, but certainly not the bulk of the food shop.  When we got home and unpacked yesterday, we went and did a biggish food shop, whilst we still have the car - it seemed sensible as we don't yet know when it's being taken away and we're given a hire car.  I intend to stretch that shop as far as possible, along with using up what we already have.

Home and is it bedtime yet?!

 Home safe.

The car stuff is giving me no end of hassle and headaches, and I shall be glad when it's all over and done with!!

Rude awakening

 I was woken up about 05.45 by Betty throwing up on the caravan doormat, lovely!  It's nothing to worry about, she's fine, she does sometimes bring up bile early in the morning if she's not eaten much the day before....she didn't eat much yesterday as it was a hot day, which reduces her appetite.  I'm glad we're going home today, it's forecast to be hot and sunny the next few days.  Which is great, except that the van gets too hot for Betty and I, we cope with the heat much better at home, more shady cool spots there and more space.

Husband's increased forgetfulness continues, I'm having to repeat things more and more the last couple of days.  We're being bombarded with emails, texts and phone calls from insurers, car hire and garage firms following the accident on Saturday, which is a bit annoying actually, especially with poor signal.  And doesn't make for a restful holiday!

And just to top it all off, the problem relative has chosen this weekend to go off on another pointless, self absorbed, attention seeking rant about nothing, using emotional blackmail and even phoning the police as he wasn't getting the desired response from us (they simply gave him the number of a mental health crisis team to ring, I don't know whether he did or not).  I've temporarily blocked him again, I've got enough to deal with - real problems, unlike his imaginary ones.  His latest obsession is that he thinks he's got skin cancer - as he's severely agoraphobic and never goes outside, not even to sit in his garden, it's unlikely. 

The driver's door on the car, which took the biggest impact, has dropped a bit. Husband can still open and close the door, with a bit of lifting and wiggling, hopefully it will get us home without incident.  A garage firm rang this morning, they're arranging to come and collect the car.

Bugger it

 The other driver's insurers have already been in touch with us, they will give us a courtesy car and arrange for an assessor to come out to look at our car.  The insurers say it depends on what the assessor says as to whether our car will be scrapped or repaired, as expected.  Frankly, I don't care one way or the other, I only know that if it's scrapped, it'll likely leave us without a car for a while, as they'll no doubt want the courtesy car back as soon as they scrap/pay out for ours.

Meanwhile, all this seems to have scrambled husband's brains even more, his forgetfulness and confusion are worse than ever.  Which means I'm having to explain and repeat things constantly.

It's a pity it happened whilst we're away, I have only sporadic WiFi and phone signal here meaning I can't really deal with it all until we get home.  I've already had several emails with attachments from the insurers, which I can't open and deal with until we're home (tomorrow). It will also disrupt our plans for the rest of the week.

And of course it's more work and problems for me.  Needless to say I didn't sleep very well at all last night.

Better and better - not!

 Somebody reversed into the side of our car this afternoon, in a car park.  Husband was in the car, along with Betty, thankfully neither was hurt.  I was inside a shop so didn't see what happened, apparently it also involved a third car, a learner driver (being taught privately, not by a professional) who caused the collision.  The driver of the car which crashed into ours accepted full responsibility, he was apparently observing the learner driver and didn't see our car.  The front wing, driver's door and rear door are bashed in, husband says he's fairly sure our car will be a write-off due to its age.

Due to his disorganised mind, he finds it difficult to explain things properly, he's already told me twice what happened and I'm still totally confused on the details, so writing the accident report, which obviously I'll have to do, will be a nightmare.

The car is drivable at the moment, but if the insurance writes it off we'll be without a vehicle for a while, which, amongst other things, will make it difficult to look at other cars.

I could just sit and howl.

Strange behaviours

 It's a misty morning here at the van park, with a bit of a damp chill in the air.  Forecast to get better though.

Husband has been exhibiting some strange behaviours lately, which I assume are connected to his cognitive impairment.  It's as if he's lost all sense of what's appropriate or not, with regard to his interactions with others.  I've been told that he's asked some inappropriate or cheeky questions or favours - I don't mean anything rude, nothing like that, just stretching the boundaries of what could be considered reasonable to ask as a favour.  The people in question (2 of them) politely declined, but both then mentioned to me that they found it a bit strange and uncomfortable.  They both know about husband's cognitive impairment, so made allowances for that.  I also discovered that husband had sold a present I'd bought him to a friend, without mentioning it to me.  So that's something else to worry about, I can't 'police' him all the time, I can only ask people to take what he says with a pinch of salt and smooth ruffled feathers over later, if necessary.

Life certainly isn't getting any easier, that's for sure.