Enough now about Brand & co, give it a rest!

 Wow, it was blimmin freezing this morning, a very hard frost.  Winter is definitely here!  It's lovely and sunny, after 2 very depressing drizzly foggy days, which belies the fact that although sunny, it's still freezing cold.  I've got washing on the line - fleece blankets - whether they dry remains to be seen.

All this Russell Brand, and now David Walliams, stuff just makes me think has nobody learnt anything since the outing of Jimmy Savile and the subsequent MeToo movement?  What annoys me is all these celebs coming out of the woodwork and only now saying they knew all along what was going on.  If the predators' behaviour was so well known, and I do believe it was, why didn't they band together and put a stop to it years ago?  Afraid of not getting more work and being blacklisted, I suppose.  That and the fact that it was such a lads culture years ago, men could and did do whatever they liked and women were just used and abused.

Brand's defence barrister said something that I thought was absolutely disgusting and showed he's got the exact same older men's misogynistic attitude towards women - he claimed that it couldn't have been rape or even sexual assault as the women didn't scream or struggle!  How dare he?!  Women - or girls - who are attacked are usually frozen with fear, terrified and know full well that whatever they say or do will not stop the attack.....in fact it may even spur the men on.  And yes I speak from experience.

Anyway, calm down and change the subject before my blood pressure goes through the roof.....

So what sort of things did I buy yesterday on our Bridgwater retail park stock up shop?  Well, for a start Sainsbury's had a special offer on 1 type of their oat barista milks that I like, £1.20 per litre rather than the £1.95 it usually is, I bought a dozen, it's long life, I use about 1 carton a week.  Some sourdough loaves 25% off, 4 loaves bought and put in the freezer.  Some goodies for Christmas - cheesy biscuits, dark chocolate biscuits, nuts - all put away in a box under my bed....out of sight, out of mind!  Some half price toiletries from Superdrug.  2 bags of dry kibble and a few treats for Betty - I spent ages scrutinising the treat labels to ensure they were safe for her.  The kibble will last for at least a couple of months when mixed with some cooked fresh turkey mince and sweet potato or butternut squash.  (Incidentally, Betty is absolutely fine this morning, back to her normal self).  In Aldi I got some panty liners - their own brand are almost identical to the Always branded ones but are a quarter of the price!  6 boxes bought.  A few boxes of cereal for husband, those little shredded wheat pillows that have a fruit filling, Aldi's own identical to but much cheaper than the branded ones.  A few other bits and bobs that I can't remember offhand.  I do like Aldi, much prefer it to Lidl, I wish there was one here in Minehead.

Speaking of Lidl.....apparently on the 19th (so next Thursday) they're bringing out a beauty advent calendar, costing £10 but containing £90 worth of products, all full size not samples.  It's only going to be available online, I shall be ordering it early on Thursday, I expect it will sell out very quickly.

I really ought to wrap up warm and go outside to prune the rose bushes ready for winter.....I've been loathe to do it so far, partly because it's been so cold and wet, partly because they're still flowering!  It really needs doing now though, so off I go.

That's that done for a few months

 Firstly - Annabeth, blimey, that must have been really frightening!  😟  Thank goodness your husband didn't have an accident.  Thank you for the information, very helpful.  I think my husband is more or less safe to drive at the moment, but only short distances and not in the dark, and I am almost always with him in the car, he very rarely goes out by himself.  I think it helps that he was a professional driver (first buses and coaches, then HGVs for around 25 years) almost all his working life, so driving is ingrained into his system.  His reactions are certainly slower, he's not quite as observant as he was and sometimes seems to have a bit of trouble parking, but he doesn't forget where he is or how to get to somewhere, nor does he make any dangerous manoeuvres.  He thinks he's as good as he's always been when driving - he isn't, but I don't feel unsafe in the car with him.

When I got up this morning I gave Betty her anti-sickness tablet wrapped up in a piece of wafer thin ham (vet's suggestion), she has to have it 30 mins before a meal.  Half an hour later I gave her breakfast, which she ate as usual.  20 mins later, husband took her out for her morning walk.....and she promptly sicked up the breakfast, ham and presumably the tablet.  Oh dear.  She seemed relatively OK though, she wasn't moping around or looking very sorry for herself, I was in two minds as to whether we should go out to Bridgwater for our stock up shopping.  We did go in the end, a couple of hours later than we would normally as I was keeping an eye on Betty - I like to be at the shops for 9 am when they open and get it done before the shops start getting crowded, it was getting on for 11 am when we got there.  It wasn't very nice, all the shops I went in were very busy, people obviously getting Christmas goodies, going by what was in their trolleys and baskets.  I loathe shopping when it's busy, so didn't hang about browsing, I just got what I wanted in each shop, as quickly as possible.  I'm pleased to say I got pretty much everything on my list.  

When we got back, poor Betty had been a bit sick on the lounge carpet, not much thankfully, and she does now seem a bit poorly so I won't be feeding her until tomorrow morning at the earliest.  As I've said before, she doesn't generally want to eat when she's feeling unwell anyway.....which unfortunately means I can't get her tablet down her either.  Never mind, the colitis flare ups seem to be self limiting, I'm sure she'll be fine by tomorrow or Saturday.  She's asleep in her bed beside me at the moment, she does sleep a lot when she's unwell, which is good, sleep is a great healer I think.

I had yet another anonymous comment yesterday, quite passive aggressive in tone, and telling me things I already know, as if I'm stupid.  Well I'm not thanks, I do know what I'm doing.  As the quote goes.....If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all (it was in the Bambi film, if I remember rightly).

I was pondering on what to have for my Christmas lunch, bearing in mind husband will be having the beef and turkey he brought home from the carvery roast we had out on Sunday.  I've decided I'd like a homemade roasted butternut squash, Brie and cranberry pie, flavoured with sage and paprika - I won't make the pastry (I don't bother nowadays), I'll buy it.  Accompanied by all the usual Sunday lunch veggies, with stuffing and gravy.  Nice.  I might make a trifle for pudding, we both love trifle but don't have it very often.  I've decided I probably won't put up the tree this year, husband couldn't care less about it and I'm feeling like I can't be bothered!  It's not up for long anyway, I generally take it down the day after Boxing day, I can't stand it hanging about for too long after the event.

Writing a list for tomorrow

 Thanks so much everyone for the lovely comments yesterday, some of which made me cry - not because they upset me, they didn't, it was because they were so empathetic.  It is hard living with someone you've loved for what seems like your whole life, when they're now so different, through no fault of their own.  This is not how I envisaged our retirement years together - but then none of us do, we don't expect our lives to turn out so differently, with a debilitating illness ourselves or for our partners, and having our partners die prematurely must be the ultimate devastation.  I think it's important to say that husband is not always - well, horrible.....there are moments when he is almost like he was years ago, calm, carefree and funny.  But those moments are getting fewer and fewer.  This morning, in complete contrast to yesterday morning, he's been fine, cheerful and helpful, he cleaned the draining board and dish drainer without me asking, washed up the things that were left over from last night, dried and put them away.  I don't expect his good mood will last all day though, it never does, but I appreciate the brief times when he's being nice and helpful.

I've done most of my housework jobs already, had an early start and got things done.  I'm now going to be making a list of shops I want to go in tomorrow in Bridgwater and the things I want to get.  I'm working on the assumption that if husband is indeed diagnosed with some form of dementia next week, then his driving days will soon be over - if not immediately then certainly within a fairly short space of time.  So I want to take advantage of the fact that he can still drive now and get a car load (well, not necessarily a full car load but definitely a good stock up) of stuff from the stores that we don't have here in Minehead.  I think I'll get some nice foodie bits from M&S food store for Christmas, I'll put them in a box under my bed so we're not tempted to indulge before.  I want some long sleeved t-shirts, there's a Next store there or Sainsbury's Tu range does some nice ones I've had before.  The big Superdrug there does a bigger range of toiletries and health products than the much smaller store here.  I want to go in the big pet store and have a look at their extensive range of kibble for Betty, I'll be checking all the ingredients on each bag.  I recently read an article about dried dog food which said that the words 'Vet approved' on the bag actually means nothing - we're led to believe that it means a vet has been involved in developing the food.....no it doesn't, especially not on the cheaper ranges, it simply means that they've paid a vet a fee just to say "Yeah that's alright" and they haven't had any input at all other than that.  Now why doesn't that surprise me?!  There are only 2 or 3 dried dog food ranges that actually have a vet helping in the development, they tend to be the more expensive ranges, ones like Hills Science Plan and Royal Canin.  I buy good quality food for us, so why wouldn't I for Betty?

It was cold, raining and downright dreary all day yesterday and today doesn't look much better, we had the heating on all day long yesterday, it's on this morning too.  Tomorrow looks much better, sunshine and no rain, I'll get washing out on the line before we go out.  

When I got up this morning I could see Betty was feeling off colour and potentially gearing up for a colitis flare up.....I gave her one of her anti-sickness tablets first thing and it seems to have headed it off.  She indicated she was feeling hungry just now (I hadn't given her any breakfast before), so I gave her a little bit of fish, tinned sardines in spring water, which she wolfed down.  When she's very unwell with the colitis she won't eat anything at all, which is very sensible of her!

I've got a portion of homemade lamb stew out of the freezer for husband's dinner today, I'll do some mashed potato to go with it, I'll make a sort of fishy cottage pie for me, using tinned salmon.  Tenderstem broccoli on the side for both of us.

I always think of my Granddad on Armistice Day, he was an army soldier fighting mostly in Italy during WWII.  In common with lots of servicemen, he rarely spoke of his experiences there, he said he didn't want to think about it.  He did like to watch the Remembrance day services on the TV, he even used to stand to attention and salute when watching parades of ex-servicemen marching past the Cenotaph.

You're not me, and I'm not you

 Husband has definitely got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, he's in a very argumentative mood and has already snapped at me twice, it's a day for keeping out of his way.  I'm sure he's worrying about the test results next week but, as is usual, he won't discuss it with me and just shuts down if I ask if he wants to talk about it.

I had another nasty comment on the blog yesterday, I'm obviously not publishing it, it's been binned straight away.  Anonymous, of course.  I've had a few comments lately, none of which I published, telling me I should be kinder to husband, and/or be grateful he's still alive!  To which I just think to myself - you try living with him, he's not an identikit of your husband and you have absolutely no idea of what life with him is like.

I know he can't help the things he does or says, it's doubtful he does it deliberately or even thinks about the possible consequences.  Doesn't make it any easier to actually cope with on a daily basis though.  You need the patience of a saint - and I'm no saint.  I have however learnt to bite my tongue and walk away, hard though it is.  

I'm obviously very concerned about husband being given a dementia diagnosis, because I know he will go downhill, quickly or slowly but definitely downhill.  I will accept help, if there's any to be had (the lady from the Alzheimer's Society said there's very little practical help here actually), but even if we get any, I'm the one who will be here coping mostly alone 24/7 and it's not a welcome prospect.  He's not at all grateful and never thanks me for anything I do for him - he's got the runs this morning (his diverticular disease flaring up) and just announced that we have no diarrhoea tablets.  Which meant I had to go and find them for him because I know full well we have - they were in full view on the worktop right beside the medicine box, beats me why he couldn't see them but that is quite usual for him.  He never said a word when I handed them to him.  

I also keep thinking 'What if they say next week that he doesn't have dementia?  That's almost a worse scenario in my opinion.....it means that the lovely, laid back, kind and funny man I've been with for 45+ years has just turned into a cross between Kevin the teenager and Alf Garnett/Victor Meldrew.  The sullen scowling teen who constantly answers back and is defiant, the highly opinionated and argumentative nastiness of Alf Garnett, combined with the grumpiness and jaded views of Victor Meldrew.  Plus he's as stubborn as a mule, won't listen to me and runs me down to others and has something negative to say about virtually anything and everything I cook for him.

I agreed to the 'In sickness and in health, till death us do part' promises when we got married 43 years ago, and that's what it will be.  I take care of him and do whatever needs doing, to the best of my ability.  So to anyone who's lost their husband....I'm sorry for you, I really am, but I'm not you, you don't have my life and my husband is not the same as your husband was.  I put down my thoughts and feelings on this blog because it gets things off my chest in a fairly anonymous way - none of my or husband's family members know of or read my blog, and only 2 of my closest friends read it, so I can vent my feelings in a safe space.  It's a pity that those people who don't agree with me or what I do/say can't just keep their mouths shut, instead of criticising me when they don't live in my house!

Yes it was a lovely weekend

 Thank you all for the birthday wishes.  We did have a really nice weekend with husband's daughter and son in law, they're a lovely couple.  We did lunch for them on Saturday - no cooking, just sandwiches and buffet things, then husband and SiL went out to get fish and chips for our tea.  Sunday morning they came round about 09.15 for breakfast, I kept it simple....just mini sausages, bacon, hash browns, beans and crumpets, everyone helped themselves and daughter washed up afterwards.  The roast carvery we went out for was delicious as always, they do a very good selection of help yourself veggies there so I was more than happy.  They're extremely generous with their meat portions.....although it's now only 2 meats, beef and turkey, they used to do gammon as well, I guess everywhere is feeling the pinch.  In fact, the meat portions served were so generous that none of them could finish theirs, so husband asked for and received a takeaway carton, he brought several thick slices of beef and turkey home.  It's now in the freezer and husband says he's having it for his Christmas Day lunch - brilliant, means I don't have to buy or cook it.  They set off on their journey home after the lunch, we returned home and watched Strictly on catch up.  Husband's SiL is very empathetic and understanding, his mother has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home near where they live.  When they were leaving, he gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear that even though they live 3 hours drive away, if I ever need help or have a crisis I just have to ring them and they'll come straight down.  How lovely of him, I really appreciated that.

Although I haven't done anything over the weekend, today I'm feeling worn out - I think it's just kind of being 'on the go' all the time with visitors, even if we're just sitting talking.  I don't really do much talking when it's just husband and me here, he does most of the chatting!  So having done the odd few necessary jobs this morning, I'm having a quiet afternoon in my room.  Dinner tonight is veggies cooked in a tomato sauce with a sachet of brown and red rice, quinoa and seeds, and some sausages for husband left over from yesterday's breakfast.

It's turned so cold now, especially with fog hanging around in places, makes it feel even colder and damper, although it's not raining.  I did washing this morning but didn't even bother putting it outside, I knew it wouldn't dry with the cold damp weather.  So it's on the heated airer in the hall.....which does keep the area around the airer nice and warm too.  I'm very thankful to have a nice warm house, and electricity bills that aren't too bad at all because of the solar panels on the roof.

There's nothing much on the calendar for this week, although next week is pretty busy.  I think we might have a trip to Taunton or Bridgwater this week, whilst husband can still drive.....we get the results of his dementia tests next week.....if it's bad news then he might not be driving anymore after that.  So it makes sense for us to go and get any major stock up shopping or visit clothes or shoe shops this week.  Other than that, I'm trying to put next week's verdict out of my mind.

A nice weekend

 Yesterday was my birthday, it was very low key as it has been for the last few years, but I had a good day doing.....absolutely nothing!!  No housework, washing, cooking or even meal prep, husband did it - well, the meal prep and minimal cooking anyway, bless him.  I just sat around reading, doing a bit of crochet and watching a bit of TV, something I almost never do during the day.  Husband did offer to take me out for lunch but I didn't fancy it, it was raining, cloudy and cold yesterday so I said I'd rather stay home in the warm.  For some slightly strange but nevertheless nice reason, he'd bought me a cake - a lemon drizzle one from M&S, it was very lovely actually.  I say strange because for the last 2 or 3 years he hasn't got me anything, and I'd already told him I was making a big tray of bread pudding, so we were inundated with cake!  The bread pud mixture made a tray of 9 squares, plus a smaller one of 4 squares, I've wrapped and frozen it all in portions.  I've just finished the last piece of lemon drizzle for breakfast!  Husband made me prawn mayo sandwiches for lunch yesterday, yummy, for tea I didn't want much and it had to be something easy as husband was doing it.  We decided on potato waffles, scrambled egg, beans and mushrooms, with bacon for husband.  I've not had bought potato waffles for years, I have to say I didn't like them at all, too dry and very bland.  The beans, egg and mushrooms were lovely though.  I thanked husband for doing the food and washing up and generally looking after me (he made me several coffees throughout the day)....he said that's alright, I could do the same for him in 2 months when it's his birthday!  (😒I do the same for him every day! 😉).

On Thursday husband had decided he wanted to go on the free shoppers bus to Bridgwater.....he's out for a long time - 5 hours, hence why I don't go with him as I don't want to leave Betty home alone for that long.  I'm a little bit anxious about him doing it, although he's got plenty of other people (oldies) on the bus with him and the shopping centre (out of town retail units) is busy so there'd be help available if he needed it.  He doesn't get confused or forget where he is - well, not at the moment anyway.  He always has his phone with him....not that it's a lot of use as whenever I try to ring him to check he's ok he either doesn't hear it or can't get it out of his pocket quick enough to answer it!  He went because he wanted to buy himself some new warm tops for winter, plus he said he wanted to buy a new toy or chewy for Betty.  He also got me the cake and a lovely card, he has always had a knack of picking out lovely cards, although has occasionally bought anniversary cards instead of birthday, and vice versa!  However, for Betty he didn't buy a toy, but a huge bag of dried beef jerky - which she cannot eat because of her colitis and special diet!  I've reminded him she's on this special low fat, low fibre diet and can basically only eat chicken or white fish, so suggested he doesn't buy her anything to eat in future, or at least rings me to ask first.  He'll no doubt forget again though.

The tops he bought wouldn't be my choice of colours even for him - one is sludge brown, the other a depressing dark olive green.  Still, he's the one wearing them, not me.  At least they fit him, which is something - a couple of weeks ago he ordered himself a pair of jeans online, I can only assume he bought the wrong size by mistake, as they appear to be made for someone who is 6" taller than him and about a stone or 2 heavier, they're massively baggy around the bum and thighs and in big wrinkles round the ankles.  Of course he ordered them without telling me or even showing me what he was ordering, or I'd have helped him get the right size.  Hey ho, they were cheap!

Husband's daughter has texted me to say they're on their way here, they're stopping off at the lovely Gloucester Services for a loo and coffee break.  She sent me a gorgeous bunch of mixed roses and a lovely card, which has a photo of Betty on it - how thoughtful, it really made me smile.  We're having fish and chips tonight, they've said it's not something they often have (they're more into burgers and katsu chicken type things) but are really looking forward to it.  Tomorrow we're all booked in for a Sunday carvery roast, I'm looking forward to that, they do a lovely selection of veggies there.  Should be a nice weekend.

Thank you for all your lovely comments.

Bread pudding and not doing Christmas

 Firstly, thanks for the info re the trains and buses Sally, we'll pass it on to the neighbour.

I had lots of odds and ends of stale bread in the bottom drawer of the freezer, all different kinds - wholemeal, sourdough and seeded, and a gluten free roll which wasn't very nice.  I thought it was about time I made use of it all, to clear space, so am making a large baking tin of bread pudding today, it's one of husband's all time favourites.  I remember my Mum used to make it a lot when we were kids, a cheap and filling treat for hungry kids coming home from school I guess.  The torn and scrunched up bread, mixed dried fruit and mixed spice are in a large bowl soaking up warm milk and melted butter, the house suddenly smells like Christmas.  I'll add beaten eggs, brown sugar and a handful of veggie suet in a bit.  I don't follow a recipe, just chuck in whatever I've got, I simply do what my Mum used to do - she always added suet to hers but I know some recipes don't.  I think Mum used a mixture of milk and water rather than just milk, I've used all milk (oat milk actually) as I've got plenty of it.  Sometimes we had a piece as cake with a cup of tea, sometimes it was pudding with custard or evaporated milk.  I used to love the crunch of the demerara sugar Mum sprinkled on top, I don't usually do that nowadays, I cut down drastically on sugar due to our diabetes.

Speaking of Christmas, I think ours is going to be very low key this year - well, we don't really make much of Christmas anyway, husband is the world's biggest Grinch and I'm not really bothered one way or the other....with my Mum dying on Christmas Eve and my lovely Nanna on Boxing day it's always a time of mixed feelings anyway.  Husband's grandchildren are all grown up so we don't buy them presents, they preferred money when they were teenagers but now say they don't need us to give them money as they're all in good jobs.  I do like to make a donation to one or two favourite charities at Christmas, and we put food treats in the foodbank bins in the supermarket.  In previous years husband has always liked to have about 3 different roast meats for Christmas and Boxing days - even when I ate meat I didn't really see the point of that when it was just the 2 of us, seemed excessive to me and there was always so much meat left over which I then had to freeze.  This year he's said maybe he'll have a nice steak for Christmas day (he'll cook it himself).....I've not given much thought yet to what I'll have, to be honest I'd be quite happy with a bowl of homemade broccoli and Stilton soup and a toasted cheese sandwich.  One tradition we do still follow though is for our favourite Christmas day breakfast - scrambled eggs with a splash of cream, smoked salmon and plenty of black pepper on sourdough toast.

I'm thinking of not even putting up the tree this year - no real reason except I can't really be bothered!  I have to do it all myself anyway as husband refuses to get involved....I don't mind putting it up and decorating it, but the taking it down and putting it all away and the sheer emptiness of the room after it's taken down makes me feel it's not really worth it!  So this year I'm (almost!) as much of a Grinch as husband is 😂😂

The red scald marks on my face and hand from being splattered with boiling hot exploded egg yesterday are already fading and no longer sore, and the horrible eggy smell has gone from the kitchen.  I did find some pieces of egg underneath the dish drainer when I washed the draining board down this morning, and a lump stuck to the kitchen window that I'd obviously missed yesterday.  Who'd have thought one egg could make such a mess?!