Nothing shown up

 Husband's bloods have come back as normal, and there's nothing worrying noted on the ECG - he hasn't seen the GP, he was told this on the phone.  There is clearly something going on though, to cause his chest pains and breathlessness, so he's got a face to face appointment with the GP the Monday after we come back from holiday.  I think he might well need a referral back to cardiology.

Yes we are going on holiday - he insists he wants to and feels up to it.  As we won't be doing anything much whilst away (the weather forecast is for showers the whole week), a week of rest shouldn't tax him.  Although being stuck in a static caravan with him having the TV on all the time might stretch my patience a bit - I'll have to take Betty out a lot!  I've checked and there's a hospital and 3 GP surgeries near where we're going, in case of emergencies.

I've been sort of preparing stuff for the hol all week, although haven't actually packed anything until now, so as not to tempt fate.  As I said before, I've cooked and frozen several meals to take with us, as I don't intend to be slaving over a hot stove whilst we're away.  I expect we'll eat out a few times, even if it's just fish and chips in the car overlooking the beach (we get a small piece of fish for Betty, she loves it, although we take most of the batter off).

There's nobody staying in the caravan this week, we are the first guests since self sufficient holiday lets were allowed to reopen, and the site owners have assured me they've given it a very vigorous and safe clean.  There's no-one else booked into the 2 other caravans either, so we'll have the place to ourselves, even better.  And the owners said we can arrive there anytime after 10.00 am, instead of the usual 3 pm, so it's like having an extra day....normally, if you can't get into a holiday place until 3 or 4, it means most of the day is wasted.

We have a house sitter taking care of the house whilst we're away, so no need to worry (not that there's any crime round here anyway, fortunately).  There's good WiFi and phone signal where we're going - makes a change, it's probably much better than we have here.

I'm glad we're going, I feel like I'm on my knees right now.

This is why....

 I've always hated sewing, probably because when we did Needlework at school (it was one of the compulsory classes for girls back then) I didn't much like the teacher, and the project I chose was ridiculously over-ambitious.  We all had to choose an item of clothing to make throughout the term - we could pick from a range of patterns and choose the material.  Most girls chose to make simple tops or A-line skirts with elasticated waists - I chose.....a pair of trousers.  With a zip.  What an idiot!  The teacher, who was a bit of a sarcastic madam, raised an eyebrow and said I'd find that hard....which just made me all the more determined to do it and prove her wrong.  Unfortunately, she was proved right, and took great delight in telling me so.  And I never did finish making those trousers.

When I first moved in with future husband, I made a point of telling him I didn't darn socks, or anything else for that matter.  His mother was a professional seamstress and he'd picked up enough knowledge from watching her work to do a bit of simple sewing himself, so used to darn his own socks.

The other day, I bought a lightweight summer cardigan, a black one, something I'd been looking for.  It's just what I want, I love it - but I don't love the buttons.  They're far too blingy for my liking, sparkly fake diamond things, but the main problem is they're far too heavy for the lightweight knit of the cardigan - they'll pull holes in it and fall off in no time.  But I like the cardi so much I thought, no matter, I've got a button tin, I'll just remove them and sew on new buttons from the tin.  Not that I'm in the habit of sewing on buttons.....I use them for crafts and cardmaking.

The first problem this morning when I sat down to do it - upon looking through the button tin, I found I didn't have 5 buttons the same 😒.  Oh well, I thought, I'll just use 5 completely different buttons for contrast - it's something different and makes the cardi unique to me - nobody else will have one the same!  Sorted.  Well, the next problem was trying to thread the needle - blimey, my eyesight has deteriorated more than I thought (I clearly do need to go to Specsavers again).  And then actually sewing on the buttons.....well, the thread kept going into knots for a start (cheap thread I suppose, think I bought a job lot of threads from a car boot sale years ago).  And I pricked my fingers numerous times.  And at one point I accidently got a loop of the thread caught around the previous button I'd just sewn on, and didn't notice until I'd sewn through the holes of the current button several times.

And this is why I don't do any sewing unless I absolutely have to.

Everything's up in the air

 Husband is getting chest pains regularly now - not severe ones, but enough to make him rub his chest.  They're eased by him using his GTN spray.....although I still frequently have to tell him to actually use it!  He doesn't like using it because it doesn't taste very nice (apparently), makes him a bit light headed and gives him a headache.....all side effects which wear off very quickly.  I just say to him 'well would you rather be dead?!' - yes I know, not very sympathetic, but effective as it makes him use the spray.  He's also still getting very breathless with the slightest exertion.  The last time he was like this, he had to go in hospital and have 3 stents fitted.  

He had an ECG and bloods taken yesterday, I told him to ask the nurse to ensure the GP rings us immediately if the ECG showed up anything worrying, as we're due to go on holiday.  He hasn't rung so far - husband will ring the surgery this afternoon to hopefully get results.....the ECG results can be noted as soon as the GP looks at it, the bloods generally take 1 day to come back from the lab.  I'm still not sure whether we will in fact be going away, it depends a) on the results, and b) how husband is feeling.  He says he wants to go, as do I, but we'll see.

Betty had to have a second lot of drops when she went back to the vet this week for her check up, the ear infection is being slow to clear this time, hopefully this second lot will do it.  She seems brighter and isn't shaking her head so much, and was keen to play early this morning (I'm not really in the mood for playing excitable games at 06.30, but did my best to oblige).

We had big plans for an exciting project that would give us something lovely for our future....it's in doubt now though because of husband's health.  Never say never though, I'm not giving up entirely, we'll just have to see what happens.  There's no doubt that there's something going on with husband's health, his heart failure worsening most likely, but hopefully it can be helped by either more stents, or an adjustment of his medication.  Or both.  

I'm stressed up to the eyeballs with it all, not sleeping, so forgetful i have to make lists every day of things i need to do.  I completely forgot about a pan of veg I was boiling yesterday, until husband noticed the smell - the pan had boiled dry and was burnt.  I didn't smell anything as my hayfever was really bad yesterday, I'd sneezed my head off all day and my nose was totally blocked.  I have a perpetual headache and keep getting palpitations - they're stress related, I haven't got heart problems (I was checked out a while ago).  I need to take a bit of time out for some slow breathing listening to a meditation app on my phone - i keep thinking i must do it and then something else crops up and i don't get round to it.  If we do get away on holiday, I'm doing nothing all week - I'll take art supplies with me (I've got some new art pens, coloured pencils and 'adult' type crayons) and some books and just relax.  I've bought husband a load of second hand DVDs so he'll be content watching all those.

Body image

 Angela from Tracing Rainbows has written a post that's prompted me to write something too - thanks Angela!  Her post is entitled 'You're Beautiful' and is about perceptions of beauty - how the world in general sees us (women) and how we see ourselves.

For many years I was a personal secretary to a building surveyor, we had clients come into the office so I had to be presentable all the time - that meant dressing smartly, having neat hair and nails and wearing makeup.  Which is so not me - even as a teenager, I was never particularly bothered about plastering on the makeup to go out, although I did always wear some (mascara and occasionally eyeshadow and blusher), as it was kind of expected, I felt like I was letting my girlfriends down if I didn't make an effort.

Once we moved down here to the country, that was it, I just stopped wearing makeup altogether.  Our neighbouring cows and sheep don't care what you look like, and it turns out people don't much either!  I have very occasionally been asked if I'm tired (usually because I am and it shows on my face!), but nobody's ever asked why I'm not wearing any eyeshadow or lipstick.  Do they even notice?  I guess some, mostly young, women would.  Men, by and large, wouldn't.  So presumably wearing makeup is something we ourselves feel obliged to do, mainly because the media, magazines, beauty editors, beauty counter assistants etc etc make us feel that it's our duty to present a good image, and that means a full face of slap.  Well, bollocks to that (sorry, that was my lovely Mum's favourite word and it makes me smile every time I use it 😁).  I'm not one for being told what to do, I make my own mind (and not my face!!) up.

The other thing that women are concerned about is our bodies.  All women, even supermodels, have bits of their bodies they don't like, we all look in the mirror at our bodies and see things we dislike, whereas others might not even notice.  But we know they're there, and again our fears and perceptions are fuelled by what society sees as a woman's ideal body - size 10, but with curves in all the right places.  But the curvy bits must be firm, but soft and rounded at the same time!  And the pressure on women to get back to an 'acceptable' size 3 weeks after having a baby is utterly ridiculous, made so much worse by all these minor celebs flaunting their flat stomachs in a bikini when they've only just had their baby a few weeks previously.  And what's with Liz Hurley?  She's always bombarding the papers with photos of her in her latest bikini - does she not actually own any clothes?  So she's getting on a bit (erm, somewhere in her 50s I think) - well bully for her, she's got pots of money and no real purpose in life so needs to do something to while away her time, I suppose.

But then if I had a figure like hers, maybe I'd want to show it off too.  My figure, however, is nowhere near hers, I'd make two of her.  My consultant last week said that I was 'carrying a little bit of weight' - very good of him a) to be so understated about it!, and b) to point out something I'm already very well aware of.  My body image tends to fluctuate - I'm under no illusions about all my wobbly bits (very wobbly in some areas) and I'm well practised at wearing things that disguise them quite well.  So most of the time I feel....well, not at ease with my body, I'm never that, but alright about it.  But when I'm feeling low, I hate my body.  And there's definitely more of my wobbly bits following a year of lockdown.  Funnily enough, I read something in the paper this morning about women's fears about their bodies when in bed with a man - we tend to be very self conscious about all our 'problem' areas - what WE see as problem areas, that is.  Whereas a man just thinks 'Wow, I'm in bed with a naked woman!!'.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in my usual long winded way, is that we really ought to stop feeling pressured to conform to society's ideal of what our bodies or our faces should look like, and just be ourselves.  Easier said than done though, when it's been ingrained in us for decades (well, centuries).

Being put on hold

 Thank you for the comments.  Husband's health has become a concern again, so we are definitely having to choose our battles and make compromises.  He's got some tests booked for next week, nothing much we can do until they're done and he gets the results.  Doesn't stop my mind going into overdrive though.

A couple of things we've talked about and definitely decided on - he's stopping doing odd jobs and gardening for neighbours.  He does too much and knocks himself out, I've told him time and again to pace himself, rest and don't overdo things, it falls on deaf ears.  Well now he's not doing any of it, he has realised he just can't anymore - well, not for a while anyway.  He's had a word with the neighbours he was helping and they understand.  To be honest, they can all easily afford to get paid handymen and gardeners in anyway.

I've also said he doesn't need to grow much in the way of veg in our garden, that's also too much for him to cope with when his health isn't good.  We can get a few little veg plants from garden centres in due course, and I'll help him put them in and look after them.  He was laying more paving in the front garden, I've told him that doesn't matter, he doesn't need to do it.  However, if he feels up to it, he could perhaps lay one slab at a time, there's no rush.

I don't want him to just sit around doing nothing except dozing in front of the TV all the time.....with his heart condition he's been told he should try and be as active as he can comfortably manage, so that's what I'll encourage him to do.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep stressful stuff away from him and deal with it myself.

Who cares for the carers though?  I don't begrudge looking after him and taking on the bulk of the day to day things, of course I don't, that's what marriage is all about.  But it does seem like carers are expected to just keep ploughing on.  It's a good job we love each other 😁

Making compromises

 Back in January I rang the dentist, as I had a wobbly tooth which was giving me a bit of pain.  I was told that it wasn't classed as an emergency, and therefore I'd have to go on a waiting list.  If it dropped out, or the pain became unbearable, then I should phone back, but in the meantime take painkillers and use salt water as a mouth rinse.  Well, thankfully the tooth is still there, and hasn't been giving me too much trouble.....the dentists rang today, finally, offering me an appointment just before our holiday.  I declined though - I don't want a sore mouth when I'm just about to go on holiday (just like Joy!).  So the appointment has been made for the week after we get back.

I'd had to get in touch yet again with the company who sent our rattan garden furniture, about the glass table top which arrived smashed to bits - I'd tried emailing and sending FB messages several times, and had been told several different things.  E.g., they had no spare tops at all, they had some on order but they would take about 12 weeks to arrive, they couldn't get hold of any so we could get quotes from a local glazier to provide a replacement top and they would bear the cost.  However, when given the quotes they then said they'd have another look in their warehouse!  Heard nothing for several days, sent a strongly worded email and FB message, got reply within a few minutes saying a manager was on the case.  Then another email late in the day saying they'd found one and were despatching it via courier!  Amazingly, it actually arrived the next day.  However.....it's not the correct size, it's clearly been taken from a different furniture set as it's slightly too small.  I ummed and ahhed about getting in touch with the company yet again, before deciding that it actually doesn't really matter.  With all the other stresses going on, I'm choosing to pick my battles and this isn't one I'm really bothered enough about.

We're making compromises about the garden as well, but I'll come to that another time.

As expected

 Clothes shopping with husband this morning was as I expected....nightmare.  He just doesn't want to look at anything, doesn't like anything, exclaims at the price.  I ended up picking out 3 or 4 items and saying "Right, you can have these!".  He did choose a pair of shorts by himself....well, I say by himself, I gave him a choice of 2 pairs, he picked one.  He did make an effort this morning before going out, and actually looked remarkably tidy, wearing a decent pair of shorts and one of the new tops he ordered online 3 or 4 weeks ago.  So that ordeal is over, for both of us, for a while!

Betty's got her usual ear infection back again, so it was back to the vet for her this afternoon.  The normal ear drops, and another trip next week for a check to ensure they've worked, they do work well, thankfully.  I thought she was probably getting the infection again, as she was shaking her head quite a bit at the weekend....the groomer confirmed yesterday that it looked like it was just starting in her left ear, so we caught it early, luckily we got a vet appointment quickly.  Poor thing, she has small ears with a lot of hair inside and a narrow ear canal, so not enough air flow to them - so the vet says.  Just one of those things.  She's having some poached fresh chicken for her tea tonight, as a treat - she hates going to the vets.

I must do a freezer inventory and tidy up tomorrow - I do try to keep things in their separate drawers - veg in one drawer, meat in another, and so on - but they end up getting mixed up (usually not by me!).  I also need to meal plan and do a shopping list, and have some banking to sort out as well.  Hopefully, husband will be outside and not under my feet.  

Looks like we've got warm sunny weather forecast right up until the middle of next week - what a treat.  Although the garden could do with some rain, we've not really had any for a while.  Might think about having a day out somewhere to take advantage of the weather, now that the kids have gone back to school and more people are back at work.

Nice weekend - picture added

 It was a lovely weekend, plenty of warm sunshine.  Not so lovely for the Royal Family, of course - I watched the funeral coverage with tears in my eyes, not only for the sight of the Queen looking so lost and small sitting by herself, but also for Prince Charles.  Out of all the family, he seems the most affected....as they were walking behind the Duke's Landrover hearse, Charles had tears coursing down his face, he looked devastated, in fact he has done every time I've seen coverage of him all last week.  It must be some small consolation for him that his sons were talking together when they came out of the chapel.  I do hope that things can be worked out between Prince Harry and the rest of the family.

We went to a car boot sale yesterday morning, our first one in absolutely ages.....in fact we only went to one the whole of last year, and left that one very quickly as it was just too crowded.  This one yesterday we thought initially was going to be the same, there were a lot of cars in the car park (it's held in big fields on a farm).  However, once inside the selling field it was absolutely fine - the selling cars were very well spaced apart, there was a one way system in operation for buyers, all sellers had hand gel on their stalls (a requirement), and everyone was being very respectful and (mostly) keeping their distance.  We wore masks, as did a lot of people, I was pleased to see.  We got a few things we'd been looking for.

In the afternoon we had a lovely hour or two sitting in our friends' garden, it was so nice to see them and have a chat.  I'll be so glad when we can hug again though, it's horrible not being able to have a hug.

The big news of the day(!!) is that I'm going to the chiropodist, for the first time since I don't know when.  It'll be wonderful to come out with lovely feet, Grace always makes it feel like I'm walking on air.  And it's a big day for Betty too, she's going to the groomers, also for the first time in months, so she'll also have lovely feet and beautiful soft and gorgeous smelling fur.

Here's Betty having just got home from the groomers.....complete with pink bow (they've never done that before....she doesn't look very impressed 😂).  Along with the usual bath and nail clipping, they also gave her a facial!!  Yes, really, a new service apparently, especially for doggies with wrinkles (perhaps I should go).  For £15, which includes the facial and nail clipping, it's a real bargain.  It's the local agricultural college who do it, they only charge to cover their costs, the students need the practical element and they're well supervised by a lovely trainer who adores Betty.

I won't subject you to a photo of my feet.....but they do feel lovely!

Eeks!

 I got out of the shower this morning and grabbed the bath towel off the heated towel rail, opened it up....and there was an 8-legged thing on it (they're called eeks in our house, I can't even say the word, I have a pathological fear of them).  I dropped the towel on the floor and ran out of the bathroom naked and dripping everywhere, yelling for husband, who came upstairs to deal with it.  Unfortunately, he's so slow coming up the stairs nowadays, the thing had disappeared by the time he got in the bathroom.  So now I know there's one in there somewhere (probably loads actually) and I'll be thinking about that every time I go for a wee. 😒 Not a good start to the day!

Oddly enough, I don't mind them too much in the garden (although I wouldn't like one running over my foot) - I guess because it's their domain, not an enclosed space, and a much bigger area.  We do get quite a lot of them in our house though, in fact I feel like a nervous wreck sometimes in late summer when they all start appearing regularly - especially the big ones.  I'm just glad husband doesn't mind them and can deal with them, goodness knows what I'd be like if he wasn't around.  Betty will pounce on them and eat them if she sees one, which is just as gruesome.  Ones on the ceiling are the worst, as far as I'm concerned, the thought of one drop----oh I'm not even going to finish the sentence *shudders*.  I once saw the comedian Phill Jupitus do a stand up comedy routine on TV years ago, about a big 8-legged thing in his house - apparently he's scared of them too.  The story he told was clearly very exaggerated for comedy purposes, but it was just so exactly how I would feel that I was absolutely helpless with laughter, I could identify with every word he said.

And sorry to those of you who love all creatures and won't harm any of them - in our house husband whacks them....none of this putting the poor things outside - they'll only come back in again!  It's either me or them - and I'm more important, I cook his meals, wash his clothes, do all his admin, and remind him where he's put his house/car/garage/shed keys (as he always forgets).

It's a lovely day again, clear blue sky and sunshine, although still a bit chilly, not shorts weather yet.  Going to make an asparagus, leek and goats cheese quiche for lunch, using our own leeks and the first of our new year's asparagus.  Fish and chips for tea, from the freezer not the chippy - husband can do it to give me a break.

Husbands and clothes shopping

 What's your other half like when it comes to clothes?  Mine has no interest in clothes at all - clothes to him are just things to cover him up and keep him warm, he really doesn't care what he or the clothes look like.  He has plenty of clothes, but wears the same 2 or 3 pairs of scruffy track suit bottoms and t-shirts or rugby shirts all the time.....consequently, he looks like a scarecrow or a tramp most of the time.  And I'm not even joking!  He wears his clothes literally until they fall to bits, or I throw them out.  It hasn't mattered much during the last year of lockdown, but now things are easing and we're starting to think about going out a bit more, it does matter - I don't want him going out wearing the same scruffy old ripped or dirty clothes he wears at home.  I try to make an effort, even at home - I wear coordinating colours, at least!

Trying to get him to actually buy new clothes is a nightmare - I honestly think he would be happy wearing the same thing all the time....I sometimes have to tell him to PLEASE put his clothes in the wash!  On the rare occasion when I've got him to a clothes store, he acts like a sulky teenager - slouching around with his hands in his pockets, refusing to try anything on and asking if I'VE finished - when it's stuff for him I'm looking at!  I did actually persuade him to order himself some clothes online the other week - he got half a dozen assorted tops (no bottoms).....he's worn one of them once in the 3 weeks or so since they arrived.  I don't think he's even tried the rest on.  There's no point in me ordering him anything myself - I've tried that, he just complains he doesn't like them and refuses to wear most of it.  He also thinks anything that costs more than £10 is daylight robbery. 😖

Well, I've told him today that he MUST get new clothes before we go on holiday, as I'm just not going away with him looking like a tramp....he's reluctantly agreed.  So one day next week we are going shopping for clothes for him - I might have to take a handful of my anti-anxiety meds beforehand 😂  (Or buy myself something new as a consolation for the stress of it).

I know the past year has been difficult for everyone, in one way or another - I just think that being stuck at home for so long unable to do all the odd jobs, gardening etc he normally does for neighbours, and then the 6 or 8 weeks when his foot was in plaster and he couldn't put any weight on it so couldn't go out, has taken away his motivation.  He's not depressed, he's just got quite lazy and stuck in a rut.

Some good things at last

 Thank you for all the good wishes and comments.  My consultant assured me there's no sign of cancer in my kidneys (a particular concern since both my mum and sister had kidney cancer), and no diabetic nerve damage in my bladder.  He's referring me on to another department for further treatment.  How long I'll have to wait for that remains to be seen, but I'm relieved by what he said.  Meanwhile, I have a GP appointment next week for a somewhat related problem, which I'm hoping is easily treatable.

Husband and I now have a new goal on the horizon, it's something that I can't talk about yet, but will hopefully give us a lot of pleasure in the future.  It's certainly picked me up, I'm doing things to prepare for it and making lots of lists.  Being able to cross a few things off the list makes me happy.

A bit of time spent with my best friend this week also gave me a huge boost and made me smile a lot.

So things are getting better, there are more positives and things to look forward to.  Husband has his 2nd jab in just over a week, and then there's our upcoming holiday.....which incidentally I must start thinking about.  I shall be cooking and freezing meals to take with us - I don't want to be cooking all the time whilst we're away, that's not much of a holiday for me.  Nor do we really want to eat out all the time - both because of the cost and from a Covid point of view.  I don't mind eating a bag of chips sitting by the sea, or a takeaway frothy coffee, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of sitting with lots of other people at a cafe or pub, even if it is outside.

Lovely sunny start with blue sky and some frost around, no rain forecast, it's going to be a nice day.  Washing to go out on the line again today, always a good thing.

Pending

 Thank you for your enquiries and kind comments, they mean a lot, you're a great bunch.

I have been very low indeed, but things are picking up now and I'm feeling much more positive.  Not got a lot to write about yet, but will be back soon.

I'm glad lockdown is easing off.....not that we've rushed out to the pub or been on a giant shopping trip - we haven't.  I popped into a shoe shop yesterday and bought a much needed pair of shoes (went early and there were only 3 other people in the shop), then did our normal food shop, and that was it, enough excitement for one day.  Not been out anywhere today.

Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment, a follow up with the consultant who did my bladder exploratory op back in January.  I hope he'll have some good news, or some useful suggestions as to what happens next, as the problems are ongoing.  

Helping myself

 My life feels like it's totally beyond my control at the moment.  It isn't, it's just the way I'm feeling, I am very depressed, owing to things I've been desperately upset by recently but which I can't do anything about.  And a lack of support from one source, which has really hurt me.

The one thing I can control though is my weight.  Having lost over a stone last year on the advice of my consultant prior to my bladder op, I then put most of it back on again - the 3rd lockdown, Christmas and worsening depression being my excuse....I'm a comfort eater.  Not that getting fatter is much comfort.  So my siblings and I have decided to form our own slimming group - we've all put on weight and want to get it off.  Starting today - been shopping early for healthy supplies.  Last night I sat and planned a week's meals.....I'm doing Pinch of Nom - for those who don't know, it's kind of loosely based on Slimming World and is how I lost the weight last year.  I have the books and there are some lovely recipes in them - in fact I don't think there's any I didn't like.  Husband really liked all the meals too (he's also wanting to lose the weight he's put on)....but then he's not really a fussy eater, he'll eat pretty much anything.

Thank you for the lovely comments on my flower pictures.  I wouldn't say I'm talented at all - it's just something I've found I really enjoy doing.  I just watch a youtube video or two, then get up some images of a particular flower and just go for it, copying the basic shape but putting my own interpretation on it.  It's amazing what we can do when we put our minds to it, and it helps a lot if we like it.  I think some of my drawings look quite amateurish - well, they are!  But it pleases me to do it.  My artist friend has given me lots of advice and encouragement.

Flower drawings

 Hazel, I'm so sorry to read about your son.  Thank you so much for all the other comments.

I've been drawing the last few days, it helps me to relax.  Flower pictures for my bedroom:-

Lilac - the colours look quite washed out here in the photo, more vibrant in real life.

More lavender.  Apologies for the window reflection on the photo, I've mounted the drawings on simple glass frames.

A lily, I like drawing lilies.  This one is a mixture of pencils and watercolour pens.  Again, sorry about the reflection from the window, I'm a bit rubbish at taking photos.

No but thank you

 I've had several messages and emails asking if I'm alright.  No, i'm very, very far from alright.  It's not something I can talk about, other than being severely depressed.  Thank you for asking, it's nice to know some people care.