Busy, brain taxing week

I was woken up in the early hours of this morning with a violent thunderstorm going on....Betty hates them so I knew she'd be anxious.  Husband said he'd been awake for ages (doubtful!) and had been listening out for her and said he'd not heard her at all so she was fine - huh, I knew she wouldn't be.  I got up to go to the loo and could hear her as soon as I opened the bedroom door....she was standing on the bottom step (we have a stairgate so she can't come upstairs during the night), whining, panting and licking her lips, so clearly not fine at all.  I went down and stayed with her....I don't make a fuss of her, as I don't want to give her the impression that there IS something to get worried about, I just sit quietly reading on the sofa and encourage her to come and sit beside me.  It took her ages to settle down though - once the thunder and lightning stopped, there was a strong wind hurling hailstones at the windows, which freaked Betty out a bit as well.  She did eventually lie down beside me and go to sleep.  

I've got a lot going on at the moment, some admin stuff which is going to take me a week or two to sort out and is very complicated, consequently it's quite stressful (so I could have done with a decent night's sleep).  I've told husband he'll have to help me out by doing a bit more around the house this week and next, as I won't have time to do everything, so he's in charge of dinners for the next few days.  It won't be too taxing for him, as there are several meals I'd precooked and frozen, so he's only got to take one out and add some veggies to it.  Or he can do basic things like cooking some chicken pieces with veg and rice.

I'm going to have a treat next week too, as a bit of light relief whilst all the stressful stuff is going on.  Since having the arthritis and bursitis in my hips, which in turn causes permanent back pain and stiffness, I'm finding it increasingly difficult and painful to bend over and cut my toenails.  There's a chiropodist in the village (I had no idea, but happened to see her advertising on the local FB page the other day), she offers free consultations, so I went to see her this morning.  Well, she's lovely and very professional, taking my medical history and list of medications and explaining everything.  She does a treatment consisting of toenail cutting, treating any minor foot problems such as corns or athletes foot or ingrowing toenails (I have a small corn), and giving a foot massage with nice smelling creams, £30 all in.  Bargain I think, to have a pamper treatment for an hour or so, I've booked in for next Monday.  She recommends every 8-10 weeks, which will be fine.

When I've got time at the weekend I want to do some more batch cooking for the freezer....a sausage pasta bake (planning on making probably 4 double portions) and a couple of fish pies.  I also have half a large pack of puff pastry in the freezer, will use that to make some potato, cheese & onion pasties.

Mixture of sunshine/blue sky and showers/thick grey cloud today, and it's cold.  I know it's only January and Spring is still a few weeks off, but it does feel like a long winter.

Typical Sunday

Bless you, thanks everyone for the comments, oh and welcome to Catherine, I'm glad that you can comment now.

Aren't we all just so fed up with this grey, damp, dark and dismal weather?  It's peeing down again here, with a bit of wind, well at least the fog's gone, I suppose that's something.  It's so blimmin changeable though isn't it....seems hard to believe that we had a couple of lovely days at the beginning of last week, with bright sunshine and clear blue skies.  And then that was quickly followed by damp, murky and cold fog for a few days, it just didn't seem to shift, although it didn't rain much, thank goodness.  And just when we thought our little local lanes and the fields were beginning to reappear from under the mud and pools of standing water, it's back to rain again so there'll be loads more mud and flooded roads.  Can't win.  Most of the little lanes around here aren't adopted by the local Council, which means they don't get maintained as the farmers/landowners who own them don't have the money....or time....or inclination to do any regular maintenance, even though their big heavy tractors and farm vehicles and the big trucks delivering animal feed/taking away milk are the main culprits of the potholes and rough roads.  Our little lane regularly gets flooded, and it's almost always muddy even if it's not flooded.  Hence why we need a 4x4 vehicle, and why husband rarely washes it - it gets splattered with mud again immediately.  Well, that's his excuse anyway lol.

I'm doing some batch cooking again today, a slow cooker full of chicken casserole.  We'll have it for dinner today, and there'll be a few plastic containers full for the freezer.  Recipes (well, hardly recipes, more a case of slinging things in) will be on my food blog.  I've decided to do more batch cooking from now on, so on days when I don't feel like cooking - which does happen quite often nowadays! - I can get something ready cooked out of the freezer and just add some veg to it.

I've got a nurse appointment at the surgery first thing tomorrow morning....for blood tests and, I've just remembered, supposedly to hand in a week's worth of blood pressure readings.  Oops, I totally forgot I was supposed to be doing them....will have to start tomorrow and hand it in next week, seeing as I didn't remember to do it this morning (I'm supposed to take 2 readings, morning and evening).  I've found that a lot lately, forgetting things I mean, I guess my brain has been so frazzled for the past few weeks.  The blood tests are for my diabetes glucose reading, cholesterol and to check my liver function - I have to have that done regularly in view of my liver disease.  And then next week I have my first weigh in with (very nice actually) sergeant major nurse Rose.  I hope she's not expecting anything dramatic - I think I may have lost a couple of pounds but that's all, the start of this month hasn't been great, although we are back to trying to eat healthily now.

Not doing anything much today, might do some crocheting this afternoon, or go and lie on the bed and read a book....as it's raining, husband will be in his recliner chair dozing whilst supposedly watching the TV - he rarely actually gets to watch a whole programme as he dozes off within 5 minutes of putting it on, and even when he's awake he does the man thing of constantly flicking through all the channels - drives me nuts.  Just WATCH a programme or turn the damn thing off, for goodness sake!!  😝

Time to let go

Thank you for all the comments, and welcome to a couple of new followers, hope I don't bore you to death.

Well, my friend came and set up the printer for me.....all working perfectly, am very pleased with it.  It's a nice little compact one, half the size of the big clunky thing we had years ago.  I'm glad he did it, I wouldn't have had a clue....thanks M 😘

I'm definitely feeling a lot better now.  Yesterday morning I took down all the condolence cards off the mantlepiece and put them away, along with the Order of Service cards, in a box in my craft room.  And I didn't even cry....well, not much.  It just seemed time to let go of them and move on.  I can also look at the photo of Mum I have as my laptop screen saver without bursting into tears, it just makes me smile now.  I'm sure there'll be lots of occasions where something reminds me of her, or I see something in a shop and think 'oh I'll get that for Mum, she'll love it' and I'll be a blubbering heap again, but that's to be expected.  Sister wants us all to get together and scatter Mum's ashes in a local big park where she liked to go and feed the ducks on the lake.  We'll do it in Spring when it's a bit warmer.  Sis asked about permission, she was told it would be fine so long as we do it discreetly and at a quiet time, early morning or evening preferably.

I haven't sat and made any cards for weeks, other than a couple of birthday cards I had to do.....I used to make so many cards for Mum, at least a couple a week, haven't felt able to get back into cardmaking yet as it will be a reminder of what I used to do for her.  But I am beginning to feel I'd like to start again.  Anyway, there's a couple more birthdays coming up so I'll have to soon, I've practically run out of my stock of general birthday cards.

Was up stupidly early this morning, but it enabled me to get some documents I needed printed out.  I have a bit of admin work to do this morning (need to be more awake for that, so must have at least one more big cup of coffee and some food first), so won't be able to spend all day batch cooking like I was hoping to.  I will get some done this afternoon though....provided I don't sit down 'for a minute' and end up nodding off, having got up so early.

Hope the weather's better today....yesterday was foggy, damp, chilly and grey all day, very depressing when it's like that.

A much better start to the week

Thank you for the comments on my last post.....I was going through a particularly bad time when I wrote that (you might have guessed!), but things are much better this week.  Although I almost hesitate to say that in case it tempts fate and the roof caves in or all my white goods blow up at the same time....knowing my luck!

The weather, for a start - we've had foul weather (strong winds and seemingly endless rain) for what seems like months now, but this week there's hardly any rain in the forecast, little or no wind and we've even had quite a lot of sunshine.  Monday and Tuesday mornings there was a really hard frost, but the sun came out fairly soon (oh, that's another nice thing, some really lovely sunrises and sunsets) to burn most of it away, although it took longer yesterday.  This morning, although it's still dark and I can't see much outside, I don't think there's a frost (it's not so cold, for a start) and it seems to be foggy.  

Anyway, Monday morning we decided to take advantage of the bright sunshine and go to our favourite beach, Dunster.  We took a flask of hot chocolate and some water and snacks for Betty, and got dressed up in lots of layers.  Well, as it happened, we didn't need so many layers - once on the beach in full sunshine, it was actually quite warm, enough to shed a layer or 2.  Oh, it was wonderful - Betty adored racing around, digging holes in the sand, flinging herself down on her back rolling around, 'killing' mouthfuls of seaweed (she loves grabbing a huge mound of it - there's loads on Dunster beach - and shaking it violently as if it were a rat).  It's an absolute joy to see her having so much fun.  And walking on that beach, watching the waves gently rolling in, with not many people around (it's practically deserted this time of year) calms my soul.  We usually walk up the beach to the end of the little chalet park, then walk back down through the chalet park (it's allowed, so long as you keep your dog on the lead) - it's a small park, the chalets are privately owned and it's a lovely little community, with nature trails and ponds and a nice little café (closed through the winter though, hence our flask).  A few owners were there, having work done on their chalets, they're all very friendly.  It was absolutely lovely.

A major problem we're having which has been causing me no end of sleepless nights, headaches and a lot of stress, is gradually being sorted out now, we've had some help with it this week and things are slowly coming together.  I'm feeling a lot more hopeful about it now and a lot less stressed.  

We've survived for the past several years without having a printer - we did have one years ago, but it broke down and we didn't replace it.  Somebody gave us one a couple of years back, but it was so complicated we just couldn't get it to work.....even husband's son in law, who's a computer engineer, had no success, so we got rid of it.  Any printing we've needed doing, a friend or neighbour has done for us, or I've gone to the library and used their facilities to print stuff out.  Well, we finally decided this week we could really do with one, so have bought one (I got advice from my very techie-minded friend as to which one to get).  I'm not even going to attempt to set it up myself - my brain freezes completely when I try to do anything techie, and that's when I'm feeling normal, never mind about having a half-fried brain like I have now.  So he's going to come and help me with it (erm, do it for me hopefully, hehe).  He's good like that.

I'm going to have a batch cooking day tomorrow, I want to make as many meals to freeze as I can with a big pack of mince, bag of chicken fillets and some packs of sausages and bacon.  I read a blog the other day where the lady had spent a couple of days batch cooking and had made 60(!!) meals to freeze.  I haven't that many containers or the space to store them in my freezer, but am hoping to make more than a dozen.

To explain a few things

I feel the need to explain a few things.  Firstly, let me say from the outset that it's not my intention to upset anyone, and am sorry if it does - I just need to explain how I feel, as some people don't understand.

There seems to be a perception amongst some people (and I'm not talking solely about my blog readers) that now the funeral is over, and husband's prostate test showed it's not as large as was feared, everything's ok now.  Well it isn't.

Re Mum's death....the sympathy cards I received are still on the mantlepiece.  Husband asked yesterday if I want them taken down - no I don't, not yet, I'm not ready to let go yet.  Grieving is a long process which goes through many stages, as I'm sure you know.  Mum died just 26 days ago, it still seems like yesterday and still is raw.  She's not suffering anymore, for which I'm glad (and she really did suffer towards the end), but that doesn't take away the fact that my mother is dead and I'll never see her again.

There are things going on, which will be ongoing for the foreseeable future, to do with the aftermath of Mum's death and which are a huge problem and worry.  Just in case anybody thinks it's to do with Mum's will and what she left - it isn't.  She didn't leave a will, for 2 very good reasons - she didn't have much of monetary worth to leave, and she knew none of us would squabble amongst ourselves over what she left, but would sort it out amicably between us.  Which is exactly what is happening.  I can't say what the problems are and have no intention of doing so - literally anybody in the world could read this blog and I'm not likely to tell the world everything about my life.

Re husband's prostate.....yes it's shrunk to only just over normal size, but that doesn't mean the problems stop here.  As the doctor himself told me, when I spoke to him on the phone a couple of days ago - the actual size of the prostate is not really important, other than deciding what type of operation husband can have (if one is necessary) and where it can be done.  It's what's happening inside his prostate that is important, and that's not for him to speculate on - he only does the tests, he doesn't interpret the results or make any decisions, that's a job for the consultant.  So it is still possible that husband may have to have an op.  There are 3 types of op - only one of them can be done at our local hospital, the other 2 (regardless of size) can't, he would have to travel to a distant hospital for those.  Whichever type of op he has, if one is necessary, is something to be discussed with the consultant in due course.  If husband were to stop taking the meds he's on - to shrink the prostate and to keep infections at bay - the problems would return.  He's not 'fixed', the problems are still there, just being held at bay at the moment.

We have another, very big, problem too, and again it's not something I will ever be talking about on here.  It's nobody else's business and no one can help us with it (unless they'd been through it themselves).  Suffice it to say it's very worrying and is contributing to my lack of sleep.  It will get sorted in due course.

Talking of sleep, if I say I had a good(ish) night, all that means is that I managed to get more than about 2 or 3 hours sleep, and possibly didn't have to get out of bed and go downstairs for a couple of hours, rather than lying there completely unable to sleep, tossing and turning and disturbing husband.  There are many reasons for my insomnia, worrying about various stressful problems and pain being some of them.  I NEVER sleep all through the night, it just doesn't happen.  I may, very occasionally, have a night where I don't get out of bed, but it's rare.  I get up every morning feeling like I could sleep for a week (if only!) and am shattered every single day, there is never a time when I don't feel tired.  That's my reality.  

There is a lady, who lost her husband last year, who regularly rings me and simply asks "How are you?".  Those 3 words mean so much to me, she is totally empathetic, she understands the distinction between 'how are you?' and 'feeling better now?'.  The latter isn't even a question really, it's more of a statement and assumption that I must be feeling 'better', or back to 'normal' even, now that things are over or that I had a reasonable night's sleep (how is one night, where I slept perhaps 4 hours, going to make up for years and years of not sleeping much at all?).

Our problems are our problems, I don't expect others to solve them.  Nor do I expect people to walk on eggshells around us.  I don't want suggestions for what I can do either, unless I ask for them.  We're all different, we all react to things and cope with things in different ways, so what one person would do, or what works for one person, may not be the right thing for someone else.  I like to think that if someone I knew was suffering or struggling, I would keep in touch with them in a respectful way, asking how they were or if there was something I could do, or encourage them to talk and listen, REALLY listen, to what they had to say.  Or just give them a hug!  What I wouldn't do is get irritated if they snapped at me, but hold my tongue, as it would clearly be a sign that they aren't coping at that time.  Nor would I back away and ignore them....unless they wanted me to.

Just to be a friend and keep in touch and let the person suffering know that you're thinking of them and are ready and willing to help if and when they want/need it....that's the best thing you can do.

A glimmer of light

Some very surprising - and we hope positive - news from husband's prostate measurement test yesterday.  His prostate is now only slightly over normal size, so it's shrunk considerably.  He's been on specific prostate-shrinking meds for several months, but we were initially told that they don't have a very high success rate....only working in something like 40% of cases.  Seems like husband is one of the lucky minority then.

Husband left the hospital without finding out any information on what that means, or what happens next....honestly, I sometimes think men can't be trusted to do anything by themselves, they never seem to ask relevant questions!  So I got him to ring the hospital when he got home, and I spoke to the doctor myself.  Apparently, the size of his prostate isn't really relevant, other than determining what type of operation can be done - if indeed one is required.  According to the doctor, it's what's happening inside his prostate that really matters, and that's something for the consultant to consider.  The doctor who did the test will submit his report to the consultant, and husband will hear from him in due course.  So more waiting.  In the meantime, he is to continue taking the shrinking meds and the low-dose antibiotics, until told otherwise by the consultant.

It would be nice if it means husband doesn't in fact have to have an operation.  Which in turn would mean he can then go ahead and book the operation he's supposed to be having on his foot - to break and reset the tendons, which have been damaged by years of wearing steel toe-capped boots, resulting in a lot of pain.  Twice over the past few months the hospital have given him a pre-op date, both times he's had to cancel it as he'll be on crutches and unable to drive for 6 weeks after, and his prostate stuff was more important.

And then once his foot is sorted, I can think about my referral to physio for my back and hips.....which has been put on the back burner (no pun intended) as husband's problems took priority.  With so much going on in our lives, what with Mum and other problems which I don't talk about on here, it's just impossible to fit everything in and it's been (still is) a question of prioritising and putting things in a queue.

FAO JustJill

JustJill, no husband's not having a biopsy.  It's a test to find out the exact size of his prostate....the size of it determines what type of operation he can (or can't) have, and where it will need to be performed.  Our local hospital only does one type of op (there are 3) and won't do it at all if his prostate is 100ml or over - that requires more specialist treatment.  Prostate sizes are measured by volume, apparently.

Doing nothing

I feel absolutely wiped out.  Got nothing of importance to do this week, we're eating basic easy meals that don't need fancy cooking, not doing much in the way of housework, other than washing and keeping things tidy(ish).  The only big thing is husband's prostate test on Thursday - he's going by himself as he's likely to be there for several hours and we don't like to leave Betty alone for too long.  Not that she's any trouble - she isn't, she just sleeps, I just don't like leaving her alone for ages.  He's been told he can drive himself home and says I don't need to be with him, he'll be fine on his own.

It's wet, windy and cold out so I don't feel like going out anywhere, not that I feel very sociable anyway.  I'm just spending time sitting in my recliner chair, doing a bit of mindless crocheting with the radio on, or lying on the bed reading when husband's got the TV on with daytime rubbish downstairs.  I just haven't got the energy or inclination to do anything else, my body and mind seem to be telling me they need a break.  So that's what I'm doing - having a break.  For as long as it takes.

Just when we needed a peaceful night.....

For the memorial service we'd booked to stay overnight in one of the budget motels near to Mum and sister's houses, there are several in the area.  We've stayed 1 or 2 nights in these type of motels quite a few times over the years - either visiting relatives or going to weddings or funerals, or the odd short break.  You get what you pay for - if you're looking just for somewhere cheap to shower and sleep for a night or two, and don't need luxury or even meals, necessarily (although some have a chain restaurant next door), they're absolutely fine.  We've never had a problem with any of them before, they're basic but functional, warm and clean, with basic toiletries and towels, very comfy large beds, tv and wifi and tea/coffee making facilities.  

We've not stayed in this particular one near to Mum's before.....we chose it because it takes dogs, whilst the one we normally stay in doesn't.  Normal check in time is 3pm, we paid extra for an early check in time of noon.  We arrived literally a couple of minutes before noon, and the problems started straight away with the very rude receptionist.  Instead of greeting us with a friendly welcome, she glared at us and said "You're not checking in are you?  Only you're very much too early!".

"Erm, yes we are checking in and no we're not too early, I'd hardly call 2 minutes 'very much too early' ", I replied.  She glared again and said "it's nowhere near 3 o'clock".  I pointed out that we'd paid for early check in.....at which point she glared some more and stated firmly that there was nothing on her screen.  I showed her the confirmation email and text on my phone.....she glared again, pressed a few buttons on her computer and huffed and puffed.  Finally, she admitted she could now see on screen that we had indeed paid for the early check in, but spat "they're supposed to tell me that when I come on shift!".  (Or you could just check on screen the details of who's arriving and when that day.....Too hard?).

To cap it all, she then announced "Well now I've got to go and see if your room is actually ready!!" and flounced off.  A couple of minutes later, she flounced back and said "No it's not!  NOW I'll have to find you ANOTHER room!".  

Carry on like that dear, please, I thought, I'm just in the mood for a fight 👿.  Although I restricted myself to just saying, extremely calmly considering the stressful mood I was in, bearing in mind we were going to my Mum's funeral service "Yes, you do that".  I think my 'if looks could kill' death stare got through to her, because she quickly calmed down and found us another room immediately.  No apology forthcoming though.  If people have a problem with being friendly and polite, then why work in a customer service industry?!

The room was fine, more than fine actually - granted, the fixtures and fittings were dated (the motel has been there for years), but it was large, clean, warm and comfortable, on the ground floor and not far from the entrance - handy with a dog.  

However, it was without a doubt the noisiest motel we've ever stayed in - thin walls with very poor noise insulation, and extremely noisy other guests.  The usual 'please keep the noise down' type notices in the hallways - well, either the guests were illiterate or they just didn't care.  Loud talking and laughing, TVs, people walking up and down the corridors talking loudly every few minutes and throughout the night....I felt like opening the room door and yelling 'just shut up for god's sake - and GO TO SLEEP!!!'.  Betty, who at home jumps up and runs to the front door woofing when she hears someone come to the door, was really taking her self-appointed guard dog role seriously in the motel room, leaping up off her bed and running to the door every few minutes, getting more and more anxious, even the calming lavender spray I'd taken with us didn't work.  Eventually, she wore herself out I think somewhere in the early hours of the morning and finally went to sleep, meaning we could too.  

But then around 5 am Sunday morning, a man in the room next door started a very loud phone conversation, which went on...and on....and on until about 06.30.  Why was it so important TO DO IT AT 05.00 ON A SUNDAY MORNING?!  And so bloody loudly?!  I just kept repeating to myself 'it's only one night, we'll be out of here in a few hours'.

When we checked out, husband complained to the (new) receptionist, who was as different to the check in one as it was possible to be....she was polite, friendly and extremely apologetic, she couldn't have been nicer.  She's given us a voucher for a free stay in the future.....doesn't have to be that motel, could be any location.  Which is fine by us, we could even go back to the same motel to visit family, we wouldn't necessarily have the same problems again and could ask for a room at the end of the corridor, for example, so hopefully wouldn't have so many people walking past.

It's a shame, though, after the long stressful day we'd had, we could have done with a good peaceful night's sleep, especially since husband had the long drive home afterwards.

We slept reasonably well last night as we were in our own bed - well, I didn't get out of bed until just after 5 am, which is good for me.  Betty is flaked out on the sofa, clearly still catching up on her sleep.  I just feel numb today, think it's going to take a while to get back to normal.  Betty's going to the groomers tomorrow, husband has hospital on Thursday for his big prostate test....other than that, we've got nothing on this week thank goodness, I really don't feel up to doing anything else.  There are ongoing family problems connected to Mum's death which are proving to be a massive headache, they're going to make things difficult for the foreseeable future.

Mum's memorial service

I took no photos, far too personal for that, sorry.  

It was really nice....sad of course, but several amusing anecdotes to lighten the mood and make us laugh.  One of them, read out by the lovely minister, concerning a cousin of mine who likes to present a hard as nails, tough guy, sweary, ageing football hooligan exterior - he's nothing like that in reality though, a big softy in fact.  The anecdote made him blush and smile with delight, whilst the rest of us laughed.  

A montage of photos playing via memory stick photo app thingy on a big screen at the front, some of which I hadn't seen for years and gave us lots of happy memories (elder brother collated all those).  

The Order of Service had a couple of nice photos on it, along with lots of bird pictures (Mum was an avid bird watcher - before her sight went) and a little cartoon type drawing which meant something to us family members but not necessarily anyone else, unless they knew Mum very well.....it was a little personal touch just for us and was put only on our family Order of Service ones and not the ones for the rest of the guests.  It made us siblings laugh a lot, a very personal memory of Mum.

The Hall was very nearly packed, lots of Mum's fellow congregation members, old friends who we hadn't seen for years, from all around the country and the ones who came over specially from Paris, having moved there a few years ago.  And most of our extended family members came, all travelling quite long distances, it was so nice to see everyone.  I had hugs galore, some from people I didn't even know (Mum's fellow worshippers), which was all very emotional.

There was a big buffet afterwards with absolutely masses of food.  Amazingly, the food and the Order of Service was all organised and paid for by members of Mum's congregation, they wouldn't accept any payment for any of it.  People are so kind.

It was an emotional day but in a mostly nice way.  We did have a few issues with our hotel for the night, which put a damper on things, but I'll leave that for another day.  We're all (Betty included) extremely tired, having got home a couple of hours ago, will be having an early night and not intending to do anything much at all tomorrow.

Mixed feelings

Thank you for all the suggestions about clearing stuff off my phone to improve the memory....I had 100s of photos and some videos, mainly of Betty, so have started deleting a lot of them.  Viv, I didn't realise I could hook my phone up to the laptop and delete stuff that way, thank you for that.  Gemma's P, thanks for the suggestion to crochet a phone cover....I've dropped my phone a few times, so really need a hard case to protect it, I have actually found one I like and ordered it now.

Speaking of improving memory....my memory is absolutely shot to pieces right now, I cannot remember ANYTHING.  It's not been that good for a couple of years (old age creeping up) but at the moment it's utterly dreadful.  Stress, I guess.  For some while now I've had to write a shopping list....I generally take a photo (must remember to delete them promptly!!) of the list as I quite often forget to take it with me to the supermarket so at least i have it on my phone.  I prefer the written list though as it means I can delete items as they go in the trolley....if I've remembered a pen, although I do generally keep one in my bag.

Anyhow, we needed to go shopping Monday, I'd written a list, forgot to take it, and had forgotten to take a photo.  So of course I didn't get half the things I wanted, as I couldn't remember what was on the list.  When i got home i found the list....in my jacket pocket, I'd had it with  me all the time.  Duh!!  So we had to go back the next day, to get the things I'd forgotten.....despite taking the list, I FORGOT to get my milk (I'm lactose intolerant so have lactose free milk).  Milk!!  a basic requirement, it was on my list and I still forgot it.  I'll run out of it today so will have to get some tomorrow.

Mum was cremated yesterday morning, she was first on the list.  It was a very strange day.....initially I was very upset, as it seemed so final - stupid i know, mum's dead anyway, but her being cremated somehow meant it was final, that was it, she's definitely gone now.  But later on I felt better, it was as if some tension had been released once the cremation was over.  Just the memorial service on Saturday to get through now.  There'll be loads of people there, which is testament to how popular and loved mum was, but I must admit to feeling very overwhelmed at the thought of so many people, who will all want to come up and offer their commiserations.

It was also husband's birthday yesterday, for which I'd done nothing - he understands, he's been very good about it.  We did get taken out to lunch by a lovely neighbour, which was nice, it made it a bit special for him.  

I'm just pottering around today, doing a few small jobs and packing the weekend bag - I need to do that today, so I still have tomorrow to put in anything I forget today!  I've also worked out what we're having for dinner today and tomorrow, and got the necessary things out of the freezer.  Several days in the past fortnight it's got to mid afternoon and I've suddenly realised either i have no idea what we're going to eat for dinner that day, or i'd forgotten to get whatever it was out of the freezer and have had to hurriedly defrost it in the microwave.  Husband's taken the car into a garage to have something or other changed on the brakes, so we're carless till later on this afternoon....I just hope that they don't find anything else wrong, which often seems to happen with cars, especially old ones.  Still, I'm not going to worry about that, it's husband's problem not mine.

One day - or hour - at a time

Thank you once again for comments, you're all very kind.  I wish we could all get together for a big coffee morning.

I'm only doing each day whatever I feel I can cope with.  Yesterday I googled to find out what's going on with my phone, which is sluggish - I didn't think it was anything to do with the battery, as I had a new one fitted some months ago.  Turns out it could be to do with the memory (I know how it feels!) - the memory on my phone is nearly used up so needs clearing out pronto.  Of course I wouldn't know how to do that, so had to google again.  Luckily I found a tutorial on how to do it, but actually doing it by that time was too much for my brain to cope with, so I've saved the tutorial and will have a go today....hopefully.  

I also need a new phone cover - I always get them off ebay but the last one, a cheap leather one, is wearing out rapidly, the little magnet for the closure strap fell out yesterday and I've had to sticky tape it back in, and the strap itself is wearing through and will fall off soon.  That'll teach me, you get what you pay for.  I spent ages yesterday trawling through the listings....the trouble is, there's too much choice, there are 1000s of them, and I just couldn't make up my mind - even something as simple as choosing a phone case seemed like too much of a problem.  I don't want just a plain black one, I like colourful ones that reflect my personality.  So I gave up with that too.

I made a shepherds pie yesterday, using the leftover roast lamb and diced up veggies from Sunday.  There was enough to make two, but my brain forgot to tell me to put it in two separate dishes (so one for the freezer) and I did it all in one big dish.  So we're having it again tonight - I could have decanted the remainder into a smaller dish for the freezer, but thought what the hell, we'll have it 2 days running.  It saves me having to think up and cook another meal today.

Drowning

I know i said i wasn't going to post negative stuff....well sorry but there's loads of negative things right now and i'm struggling to cope.  And yes as many of you have said, it's true that writing things down helps, it gets it off your chest and out of your mind, for a start.  If nobody wants to read it, fine, don't, I don't write it for anyone else.

I can't stick to the new diet at the moment, I just can't give it my full attention, it will just have to wait.  Trying to work out 2 good very low carb meals that will satisfy husband's appetite, and doing it within a time restricted window is too much for me to cope with right now.  

My insomnia is worse than ever, as are my gut troubles.  Well, considering the amount of time i'm spending on the loo right now, i should lose weight without even trying.

There's a family thing going on that's really worrying at the mo, and some other stuff, equally worrying.  Plus a couple of people (not blog readers) have upset me a great deal by being totally bloody insensitive, so i'm coping with that by just ignoring them.  Quite frankly, i feel like i'm drowning in a big ocean with no lifejacket, no sign of a lifeboat and nobody to rescue me.  Please don't think i'm suicidal - i'm not, nor am i depressed, just stressed up to the eyeballs and full of anxiety, which is manifesting itself with palpitations, forgetfulness and hot/cold sweats.  I am on anti-anxiety medication and the palpitations aren't heart related - I know, my GP said so.  It'll all blow over in time, i'm sure.

Mum's funeral is this week.  Mum was a Jehovah's Witness and they do funerals differently to the norm.....she's being cremated on Wednesday (sadly, as it's husband's birthday that day) and the memorial service for her is on Saturday.  My elder brother will be present at the crematorium, but there'll be no service there.  We'll all be up there (it's in the Midlands) for the memorial service, held at Mum's Kingdom Hall (what JWs call their church), staying in a Travelodge overnight - they're dog friendly, we have to take Betty, there's nowhere we can leave her overnight - well, nowhere I'd be happy with.  We can't come home on the same day, husband can't take 2 long journeys (it's 3.5 hours plus each way) in one day, he gets too tired and finds it very stressful.  In any case, I expect there'll be things to do in Mum's house and other stuff to organise after the service.  We're expecting a big turnout at the service, quite a lot of extended family and loads of Mum's friends and congregation members.  There are even people Mum knew from long ago coming from London and a couple from Paris.  JW memorial services are upbeat and very personal, it's not something to dread, unlike some funerals I've been to.  We're not JWs ourselves, but Mum was for about 50 years and it gave her great comfort.

As with all deaths, it just feels like we can't move on until after the funeral.  Even then, things aren't going to be easy.

I'm just not up to writing anything on this blog right now.  But our low carb, time restricted eating diet starts today, so I'll be putting our meals on my food blog, just because I want a record of it.

Thanks for your comments and support.

I've decided that this year i'm not going to write any whingeing or negative posts....it's depressing for me to read back and must be equally so for you lot.  So i'm not writing anything at all right now (read into that what you will).

Back when i've got something positive to say.