Another no-van day, and still low-carb/veggie

 We were going to have another attempt at going to the van today, but heavy rain is forecast for the middle of the day so we're not going.....I won't be able to do any gardening, and being stuck in a relatively small static van with the TV on all day and a bored husband is not good.  Even Betty gets bored if we're stuck inside the van.

I'll have to go and do a small top up shop (was planning on doing it on the way home from the van this afternoon), we're nearly out of fresh veg and milk.  I'm going to investigate getting a box veg home delivery, fresh veg is what we eat the most of and thus it runs out quicker than anything else, and going shopping every few days means we usually spend more.  I've written a list and am determined to stick to it, got to save money for the moving fund.

I cooked a pork shoulder joint in the slow cooker yesterday until it was falling apart (for pulled pork) and made a bbq sauce to go with it.  I decided to try a bit of the pork - I haven't eaten pork (or beef, lamb, gammon or offal) for about a year now.  Yuck, I didn't like it at all, so just had the veg with some of the sauce.  So I'm still pescatarian, although I do eat minced chicken or turkey occasionally.  It's the texture of meat I just don't like anymore, although I do quite like the smell of meat when it's cooking.  Except for offal - the smell and look of it nowadays makes me want to heave - although I happily ate liver and kidneys in the past, wouldn't dream of it now though.  Funny how our tastes change.  Throughout my childhood, teens and 20s, the only veg I would eat were peas and potatoes - and, oddly enough, Brussels sprouts - now I eat and enjoy most veggies.  Except for celery, which I hate with a passion, even the smell of it is revolting to me.

I've had 2 slices of rye sourdough bread over the weekend, one each day, and am back to feeling bloated and my weight loss has stalled.  So that's convinced me to stay eating low carb indefinitely.  I've told husband his weight loss is in his own hands - I will continue to cook a healthy low carb evening meal for us both, but what he chooses to eat for breakfast and lunch is up to him.  We do generally have salads or homemade crustless quiche or frittata with a side salad for lunch, but he generally wants something carby with his.  You can lead a horse to water.....

My brain needs a break

 I'm having a break from googling and reading up on everything I've found (and others have found for me) regarding cognitive impairment, caring etc.  My brain's just too overloaded at the mo and I'm not taking anything in.

We were going to nip to the caravan today, just for a few hours - mainly because husband forgot to turn the water off at the outside stopcock last time we were there.  He's supposed to turn off the water, electricity and gas at the outside fittings, one of the few jobs I ask him to do, but I have to constantly nudge and remind him to do it each time.  I've even written it in big capital letters on a post it note and stuck it in a prominent place, but he still forgets.  The only way he remembers is if I remind him, but he does tend to get annoyed when I do, saying "Yes yes, I know!".  But unless he does it literally straight away, he will forget again.  This is the problem I have all the time - if I don't remind him about something he needs to do, and get him to do it immediately, he will forget.....but he gets irritated and snaps at me when I remind him.  It's a no-win situation, if I don't remind him he doesn't do it, if I do he bites my head off.  Anyway, we've decided not to go today as there's heavy rain forecast for the van area, and neither of us likes being stuck in the van when it's raining.  Well, I don't mind it so much, I'm perfectly happy to have the radio on and read, but all husband can do is fall asleep in front of the TV.

I'm going to spend the day doing a menu plan and shopping list.  Husband isn't doing so well with our low carb diet - he agrees he needs to lose weight, as advised by his doctors, but actually sticking to a diet and eating less (and less of the carby things) is a problem for him.  He's always had a big appetite and loves his food.  He would happily have a cooked breakfast every day, whereas I only eat breakfast perhaps 2 or 3 times a week and am not a fan of cooked breakfasts.  My typical breakfast, when I have it, is a bowl of a couple of tablespoons of either cottage cheese or Greek yogurt, with a spoonful of peanut butter (softened in the microwave) stirred in, with perhaps a few blueberries on top.  Husband's second favourite breakfast is an egg and bacon or sausage sandwich, or if not cooked then a big bowl of cereal followed by toast.  For lunch I generally have a salad with cheese or tinned fish, or an omelette or crustless quiche made with veggies and cheese.  Husband will eat all of that, but likes a roll or sandwich or something carby like cold boiled potatoes or even a jacket potato with lunch.  Our evening meal is always a low carb healthy meal cooked by me....having said that, he had chicken curry (a bought one) and rice last night - his choice and he prepared it himself.  I had a sort of ploughman's with a small chunk of rye sourdough, cheese and crunchy salad veggies.  I can't make husband eat only healthy low carb things, nor reduce his appetite, all I can do is make sure I buy healthy stuff and cook healthy meals.  If I don't buy bread, husband buys it for himself.

Our next door neighbour is pregnant, so that gives me an opportunity to start crocheting a few baby blankets again.  I did have a little stock of baby blankets, but they've all gone now after a little flurry of new babies amongst our family and friends.  She doesn't know the sex so I'll make one in cream with some neutral accent colours.  They're hoping for a boy as her husband has 5 daughters from his previous marriage!

I'm hoping there'll be some suitable properties on the housing list this week, there've been none suitable for the past 2 weeks - either too small, or with no enclosed garden, or not near enough to facilities.  All of the properties we'd previously bid for have now been allocated to others, sadly.  Never mind, our ideal new home is still out there waiting for us, it's just a bit of a pain in the arse having to wait for it to come up.

Inching along

 My dad buggered off with another woman when I was 13, leaving Mum with no money or job and 4 young children to feed, clothe and look after - I was the eldest.  Mum went to pieces for a year or so, she became deeply depressed, was on strong antidepressants and sleeping pills and found it very difficult to cope with everything, especially since my youngest sibling was epileptic, had mental health problems and had frequent fits.  So I had to virtually become the adult and take on a lot of responsibility at a young age, shopping, cooking, housework, getting my younger siblings ready for school and taking/collecting the youngest to nursery and then school.  When I left school I knew it wasn't feasible for me to go to university, I needed to get a job, so started work as a junior secretary, I progressed to personal assistant and did secretarial jobs for nearly all my working life.  And then I met and married husband and became his personal assistant, as he was severely dyslexic, which I obviously knew right from the start.  My mother was never strong emotionally, and then physically, my youngest sibling remained at home with ever-increasing physical and mental problems, so they both needed help and support.

So everything I now have to do for husband is nothing I haven't been doing for the last 50 years, so it's always been a sort of full time job (alongside my paid employment when I worked).  However, it's not a job I can retire from, ever.  Doing all the normal household jobs, and remembering everything not only for myself, but for husband (and even the dog) too, isn't easy.  I have the odd few medical appointments, plus haircuts and chiropodist, husband having several ongoing health problems means he has considerably more medical appointments, Betty goes to the groomer every 6 weeks and has intermittent vet appointments.  Then there are other appointments - eg the gas safety check and boiler service for the caravan, our annual servicing for home appliances and boiler, any repair appointments.  All of these have to be made and coordinated by me (I can no longer let husband make appointments, there's no guarantee he will get them right).  It's no problem doing it, everything gets written on the kitchen calendar and transferred to my phone, so I always know what's what.  But it is a constant job.  

I now have to assist husband with everything he needs to do with the car - finding insurance, eg, and booking it in for services, repairs or MOT.  I also need to help him out when he's been doing something on his computer and buggers it up - pressing the wrong button, reading the odd pop-up message or clicking on the wrong thing when he's trying to buy something off a website.  He's temporarily locked himself out of his bank account several times, because he's input the wrong sign-in details (and yes he does have them written down - by me - and copies them, but still gets it wrong).  Same thing with his phone - he notices (eventually) he's got a text and tries to open it but ends up doing completely the wrong thing and then can't even get back to the home screen, let alone read the message.  Me trying to help him with techy things is definitely a case of the blind leading the blind, but I usually manage to do it.  And I have shown him umpteen times how to open a text message, but of course he forgets instantly.

I guess what worries me the most is that I'm not getting any younger (if only that were possible!), so what happens when I find it too difficult to do any of these things?  Or if I get ill or have an accident?  It's such a big responsibility and does weigh me down sometimes, husband would be well and truly stuffed if I couldn't do everything I do now.  It's all very well me coping with everything - and I do cope with it, even though it wears me out physically and mentally sometimes - but who cares for the carer?

I've been doing a lot of googling over the past few days and have begun to find some useful information.  The Alzheimers Society website is good - ok so husband doesn't have Alzheimers (thankfully), but they have a lot of leaflets available on lots of subjects, and a 65-page Memory Handbook - I've sent off for these.  Age UK have a section of articles written by doctors and professors on the subject of memory loss and concentration, one of which recommends taking daily doses of high strength Omega 3 fish oil capsules and a multi vitamin B complex, both of these have been found to help memory and concentration apparently.  So we've begun taking those - both of us.  I also found a website with lots of articles written by American doctors about cognitive impairment, I've bookmarked those to read later, when my brain has managed to condense the current load of info and make a bit of room!

After I've waded through all the stuff pertaining to husband's problems, then I'll start looking into stuff for carers.  One thing at a time, though.

What now?

 Thank you for the suggestions of husband wearing a watch with an alarm function.  He does have a couple of watches, at least one of which has an alarm, however, he just never wears them anymore, hasn't done for a couple of years.  I don't know why, I'll have to ask him - probably because he feels he just doesn't need them anymore.

The psychologist's written report arrived a couple of days ago, I've read and re-read it, it was quite long.  It gave a very detailed explanation of all the oral and written tests husband had done, using quite technical language.  I didn't really understand a lot of it and had to keep googling.  I know a copy of this report was going to husband's GP, but as the letter was addressed to husband with a cc to GP (and not to GP with a cc to husband) why couldn't it have been written in terms that a lay person would understand?

I have to say I'm quite disappointed - well, we both are, it gives no recommendations or help.  I know there is no drug treatment for cognitive impairment (CI for short)....apparently, the drugs used in certain types of dementia just don't work for CI.  Husband has been discharged from the Memory team - it's like he's just been told "Yes you have CI of a vascular nature due to cardiac problems - Bye then".  And that's it.  End of.  So we're left floundering with no support, or even any advice on how to cope with his (and thus my) day to day problems.  The only leaflet enclosed with the report was one on how to delay the onset of Alzheimers.

I think sometimes medical professionals forget that patients are actually humans with lives to live, and aren't just test subjects.

I guess the only thing I can do is to sit and google.

A restful day, timekeeping and thin legs

 I think the beauty of a day at the caravan is that it's a day where I have literally nothing to do, except get lunch out of the fridge (I prepare it in the morning at home and take it with us, yesterday we had egg salad wraps with finger-cut veggies).  So I can just sit and read all day if I want to, making a coffee when I want one.  Which is what I did yesterday, and had a couple of chats with the site owner and a fellow van owner.  There were only 3 other owners on site yesterday, plus a family on holiday in a motorhome, they packed up and left shortly after we arrived.  So it was extremely quiet.  We've noticed so far this year far fewer owners have been coming to stay in their vans - I suspect partly due to the unsettled weather, and also maybe because of rising costs - of food, home energy bills and fuel costs.  As the majority of owners have a fair distance to travel to the site (around 80-100 miles for most, even longer for a few, like our lovely van neighbours C&J), fuel costs aren't cheap.  I expect a few more will come now, as it's the school summer holidays, although the site is never full even in the height of summer.  So I had a lovely relaxing day.

The latest thing with husband is that he's now oblivious of time - he's never been a good timekeeper anyway, now it's much worse.  E.g. yesterday morning he had an 08.20 am appointment at the surgery before we went to the van.  He took Betty out beforehand as usual, telling me he wouldn't be out long - he was actually about 10 or 15 mins longer than usual, when that happens it's generally because he's stopped to have a chat with a neighbour....which is exactly what occurred yesterday.  He got back in at 08.05 and proceeded to start getting himself some breakfast - until I pointed out that he hadn't got time for that and needed to leave immediately to go to the surgery.  ("Oh, so I've got to go without breakfast?!" was his disgruntled reply).  This sort of thing has happened regularly over the past few weeks, he knows (that's if he's remembered!) that we are going out somewhere, or one or the other of us has got an appointment, but the minutes ticking along just pass him by and he'll still be sitting at his computer playing games, or dozing in his armchair, or searching for something in his messy shed or garage, completely oblivious of time.

Having to remember all my stuff (I'm not getting any younger either, so my memory isn't what it used to be!), plus all of his, and keep on top of all our appointments and chivvy him up when he's oblivious as usual - it's all so wearing.  And sometimes my poor brain feels like it's so bursting at the seams with stuff to remember and do that it simply cannot cope with even one more thing.

My back is agony again today - sitting around most of the day yesterday (or it might have been standing outside for an hour chatting to a fellow owner) hasn't done it a lot of good.  I'll have to move about a bit more and do a few exercises whilst I'm busy today.

Weighed myself this morning and was pleasantly surprised to find I've lost another 2lbs, so 10lbs in total now.  Whilst I'm obviously happy about it, I wish the weight would vanish off places where it most needs to go......at the moment it seems to be going off my thighs, whereas I'd rather it went off my fat belly!  I've never had fat legs anyway, my legs have always been the slimmest part of me, it's my torso that's most overweight!  At this rate I'll look like a toffee apple on a stick.

Van day

 There's a break in the weather today, mainly sunny with no showers forecast.  So we're off to the caravan for the day - I badly need a break and change of scenery.  I'm so glad we don't have those extreme temperatures that Rhodes etc are having, so many people with their holidays ruined, and so scary for everyone involved.

I'm really low right now, so won't be posting much.

Laugh or cry

 So despite husband not having dementia, he still has terrible memory and concentration problems, this is an example from yesterday.

As we were leaving the house to go to the farmers market, I asked husband if he had his wallet in his pocket....he said yes.  I knew I didn't have much cash in my purse (I rarely carry cash nowadays, most purchases being made by debit card) but I also knew he had some, he'd told me so just a couple of days beforehand.  Not all of the market stallholders use card machines, so some cash would have been useful.  Anyway, I got about 4 packs of cheeses at one of the stalls, husband took the bag and then started to walk off.....I said erm you need to pay, dear.  Oh! he says, I thought you were paying!  😖  Anyway, I haven't got my wallet, he said, patting all his pockets.  I reminded him I'd asked and he'd told me he had, just about 30 minutes before when we were leaving home!  I scrabbled about in my purse and managed to come up with just enough cash to pay.  Whereupon husband then produced his wallet from one of his pockets, but announced he didn't have any cash in it anyway! (despite telling me a few days ago he had) 😣😒  This sort of thing happens every day.  I don't know whether to laugh, cry or tear my hair out....it's usually the latter.

I've just weighed myself and am pleased to find I've lost another 2lbs, so 8lbs in total.  Husband has lost about 4lbs, he thinks.  He normally loses more than me when we're dieting but not so far this time - probably because he's still snacking between meals.  He says it's healthy stuff (nuts, fruit, lumps of cheese) and not carbs and it might well be, but is still extra calories he doesn't actually need.

We're having my homemade chicken meatloaf again today, with roasted Mediterranean veggies and cauli cheese - cooked cauli roughly mashed then cream cheese and soured cream stirred in, grated cheese on top and put back in oven.  After a few days of craving carbs at the beginning, I'm now over that and not really missing them at all.  We have chips, hash browns and jacket potatoes in the freezer, along with a couple of loaves and I've not been tempted to use any of them.  Having said that, I'm having one small slice of sourdough for breakfast, with a few baked beans and an egg.  Husband likes a cooked breakfast on a Sunday.

My back pain is easing off a bit, the pain isn't so sharp this morning so I will try doing a little bit of exercise - walking around a bit more and some gentle stretching exercises.  Not been able to do anything much at all the last couple of days, as the pain has been so severe.  We didn't walk around all of the stalls yesterday because of my back pain, and getting in and out of the car was bad enough.  But it's on the mend now - I hope.  I'll be taking a codeine and an amitriptyline again at bedtime for the next couple of nights but will stop them after that, provided my back pain continues to ease.  I'll still take the paracetamol 3 or 4x daily though, for another couple of weeks.

Marlene - exactly that.  Obviously I'm very glad husband doesn't have dementia, but the fact is the problems he's having are still there, they haven't disappeared, and no clue yet how to deal with them.  I just hope the psychologist's written report a) comes soon and b) suggests some help or support.

And Dc - yes, depression is a bummer.  Combined with the full-on stress and anxiety I'm experiencing, it makes day to day life very difficult and you're right, unless people have experienced it themselves, they have no clue what it's like, and certainly no empathy or understanding.

More on the verdict

 I was thinking about what the psychologist said on the phone re the tests.  It's all very clever how they work things out, the groups of various oral and written tests are all designed specifically to check out different aspects of specific conditions.  E.g., some initial ones were to provide a baseline IQ result given husband's age and education.  He had ones for visual awareness and concentration (for driving skills), ones for dementia, some for cognitive impairment, finishing up with some designed to test anxiety and depression levels.  We didn't know which tests were for what function at the time, she explained all about them in her phone call on Thursday, I can't remember them all, it was a lot to take in.  Then all the results had to be collated and the scores added up, and taken in conjunction with the full results of the brain scan to come up with a diagnosis.  

She said that husband scored, I think it was 86 out of 100, for one test - I can't remember what but that was a very good result for his age apparently.  However, he only scored 9 out of 20 for another thing, so that one wasn't very good.  The anxiety and depression tests were marked out of 10, with 10 being very high levels - he scored 8/10 for anxiety and a whopping 9/10 for depression at the time of the tests.  However, as I said yesterday, he was clearly very relieved about the not-dementia and yes to driving results, which alleviated his anxiety and elevated his mood straight away, he's much more his normal self today (so just totally forgetful but reasonably happy!).  I would say his anxiety and depression scores are now about 3 or 4 - not that I'm in any way an expert, but having suffered (and continuing to) with anxiety and depression myself for many many years, and having lived with husband for over 40 years, I do know him.

(As an aside, I would say my anxiety level currently is probably about 17 out of 10 down from about 23 over the past few months, and my depression around 10/10 😂😔.  I'm making light of it but the reality is it's not funny).

The brunch was quite nice, husband enjoyed it more than me but then he is a fan of big cooked breakfasts whereas I'm not really.  But it was his choice and he was paying!  I left some of mine but quite enjoyed what I did eat.  The coffee wasn't brilliant though.  It was nice to be out for a meal, however, seeing as it's not something we do often.

We've got a few appointments over the next couple of weeks, but will try to fit in a caravan day, preferably on a good weather day.  The weather forecast is very mixed for a fortnight or so, getting washing dry outside could be a bit hit and miss.

We're off to a farmers market this morning, hoping to stock up on some fresh meat for husband, there's also a cheese stall for me, and a pet stall for some treats for Betty.

My back is still very painful and I'm finding it hard to walk.  I am taking regular doses of paracetamol, with added codeine and amitriptyline before I go to bed.....these last two have helped me sleep a bit better the past 2 nights, but do leave me feeling totally brain fogged the next morning.  Rambler, you suggested physio - that's a complete joke here, even getting to see one is a battle, and then they are so disorganised they change appointments all the time (without telling me on 2 occasions!).  Plus, having only managed to see one twice, for just 10 mins each time, all they do is give me a couple of exercises and say see how that goes for a month.  Waste of time, I cancelled the remaining appointments and shan't bother with them again.  My back will get better in due course, it's not like I haven't had it before.

Thank you all for your comments....I'm keen to see the official written report by the psychologist to see what her recommendations are.  Although it's brilliant that husband doesn't have dementia, he does have these other things going on so is not problem free.  And the basic bottom line is that our situation remains pretty much the same.

Verdict

 The psychologist from the Memory Clinic rang yesterday, to give us the verdict.  To give the short version - husband has no signs of Alzheimers or other dementia.  However, he does have mild cognitive impairment with vascular attributes....in other words, the cognitive impairment is probably due to minor blockages or failures in the small blood vessels to the brain, caused by his heart failure (as seen on the brain scan he had).  He scored quite highly though for anxiety and depression, as I thought.  

The good things.....well obviously it's not dementia.  And she said they have no concerns about husband carrying on driving.

She suggested a referral to Mental Health services, for managing his anxiety and depression.  He's still adamant he doesn't want that, and I told the psychologist that the not-dementia diagnosis and the fact that he can carry on driving will both alleviate a lot of his anxiety/depression problems.  As a matter of fact, when we came off the phone I could immediately see he was very relieved.  He wants to do something today, as a small celebration, so we're going out for brunch - his choice.  

The psychologist is going to send us a full written report, along with further info and leaflets.  I don't know what happens next, we were both so relieved about the not-dementia thing that we kind of zoned out a bit after that.  She did say something about letting his doctor (or possibly cardiologist?) know about the vascular issues....I expect it'll say in her report, which is also being sent to his GP for info.  

So that's one big weight off our shoulders.

Betty's got her recurring ear infection again, in both ears this time, she's had one dose of stuff at the vets and has to go back next week for the 2nd.  She also had her anal sacs emptied (they were full up!) - I'm glad the vet did that, else she might have emptied them on my bed again like she did once before 💩😱.  And it stinks to high heaven.

I bent to pick Betty's water bowl up to refill it yesterday afternoon and felt one of my lower back discs pop out again - the same one, I assume, the pain's in the same place as before.  So my lower back, right bum cheek and the back of my right thigh are really painful again, whilst my lower stomach muscles are spasming.  I'm taking paracetamol 4x daily, along with a codeine when I go to bed, I'm also taking amitriptyline again at bedtime for a few nights, or I won't sleep.  So a minor setback.  There's always something 😖

Some good things

 Our little trip out yesterday certainly helped elevate husband's mood, and he even finished off cutting the back lawn when we got home.  Right now he's out cutting the front lawn, and we've changed the bed linen (a job which exhausts us both).  I've made a chicken meatloaf for tonight's dinner and there should be several portions to freeze as well.

Our much lower carb and healthier meals we've been having for the past week or 10 days have been paying off - I've lost 6lbs (mostly water at this stage I expect, but a loss is a loss and I certainly feel less bloated) and husband has lost 2 or 3lbs.  It's encouraged us - well me anyway, husband will eat basically whatever I give him - to continue.

I'm going through a run of really rough nights, I never sleep well anyway having suffered with insomnia my whole life but sleeping, well lack of, is much worse than usual and for a longer period, it's been a few weeks now.  I'm exhausted and am finding it very difficult to concentrate.  I know it'll get better soon, it usually does.  If I could just have one unbroken night's sleep a week, I'd be so happy.

The available housing list is out today, it's much shorter than usual, only 7 properties I think.  One is a bungalow that we'd bid for last week but the place was withdrawn, they've changed the wording slightly and put it back on the list, I've re-bidded (is that even a word?).  The only other suitable place is a house rather than a bungalow, it's right beside a big park and on the edge of a town with the GP surgery close by and shops only a short drive or bus ride, so it's suitable in that respect.  However, it's very close to the M5 motorway, just a few hundred yards the other side of the park, so it will be noisy - living here in this very rural area we're not used to traffic noise.  It's also in an area which appears to suffer from vandalism, so that's a bit worrying, I'm not sure I'd feel safe there.  However, the house has a reasonable size kitchen and garden, and has a wet room adapted shower room, so there's that.  I've bid on that property too, might as well.  It would improve husband's anxiety no end if we could just get as far as viewing a property.....unfortunately, I have no control over that.

Thank you for the supportive comments.  I had to laugh over Gemma's Person's comment that if I make a suggestion, it puts the thought into husband's mind.  The trouble is, thoughts don't stay in his mind!  😂

A few of you have commented that I'm strong and cope well - I certainly don't feel that, not at all, in fact a lot of the time I feel like I'm drowning.  But I cope and get on with things because I HAVE to, I have no other choice.....living where we do there's no official support locally, and nobody knocking at the door to offer help.  Unless I make a point of asking for it, which I don't tend to do unless I absolutely have to, as everybody has busy lives.

Dying a slow death

 It occurred to me the other day, after doing some thinking (I've been doing a lot of thinking lately) that husband is doing just what his brother-in-law did over the last year of his life (he died a couple of years ago).  His BiL did have a few major health problems and also suffered with depression - for his final year he basically just killed himself with a very slow, long-drawn-out death.  He did literally nothing to help himself, he just sat around.  He frequently didn't take his meds, he ate a load of rubbish (he was diabetic which wasn't well controlled at all) and drank heavily, both beers and sweet fizzy pop.  He wouldn't see the GP and wouldn't go anywhere or do anything.  His wife, husband's sister, tried her utmost to get him to take his meds, see the GP, eat healthily, do things - all to no avail, he just refused point blank.  Eventually she gave up and left him to it.  The sad thing is that they have children and grandchildren, he could and should have lived for them but even that couldn't persuade him.  No doubt the severe depression did that, but if he flat out refused to help himself, there wasn't much his wife could do.

Husband isn't as bad as that - yet - but he is in danger of going the same way.  We've had a talk this morning and I've said all this to him - gently and calmly, I haven't shouted at him or got angry and have tried to keep a lid on my frustration.  I did say to him that it's obviously up to him if he chooses to give up, but the sad and unfair thing is that he's bringing Betty and I down with him.  I don't want to give up on life and die before I've even reached my State pension age!  (Husband is 9 years older than me).  He was saying the other day, in order to explain why he was only out with Betty for less than 10 minutes, that she just doesn't want to walk and shows no interest.  Well, I've seen him from the window when he's been in the back field with her - he trudges along with his hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped, not looking at anything.  So it's no wonder Betty finds no joy in the walk - she takes her cue from him!  When I take her out, I enjoy looking around bird and insect spotting, looking at all the trees and plants and I engage with Betty all the time, talking to her.

Husband is still adamant that he doesn't want to take any antidepressants or anxiety meds, he's understandably reluctant to add any more tablets to the loads he already takes.  Nor does he want counselling or any talking therapies - that's not his scene and he just won't do it.  So I've said, for starters, we should go out more - have a day, or half a day, out each week, weather permitting.  Today we're going to go and park up in a car park near the Taunton Canal and go for a walk along the towpath.  We'll take a picnic with us, and there's a pub on the canal bank so we might even sit in their garden with Betty (we're taking her, of course) and have a coffee afterwards.  It's not sunny today, but it's dry (for a change!) and the wind has dropped, so the weather will be fine for walking, actually.

Whenever I make any suggestions to husband for things we/he could do, changes we/he could make, etc, he is usually agreeable, although not always.  However, starting is all very well - it's getting him to continue that's the big problem.  But I have to try, not only for his mental and physical health but for mine and Betty's too.

Being more active

 Thursday and Friday last week I took 3 or 4 doses of paracetamol each day....by the end of Friday the pain was bearable.  However, on Saturday I didn't take any during the day - not deliberately, I just more or less forgot.  Come the late afternoon I was in agony again, so took 2 tabs at dinner time, and again in the early hours of Sunday morning when my back and hips felt like they were on fire.  Yesterday I took a total of 8 tabs by the time I went to bed, and will do the same today and for the next week or so, to see how that helps.

Both husband and I are suffering with pain (his neck arthritis is really playing up) and are both down in the doldrums, so we've had a chat and decided - well, I decided and husband did agree - to try something a bit different.  We're both in danger of becoming more and more immobile and depressed, so we've got to do something - having a healthier diet with far less carbs in the way of bread, pasta, rice and potatoes and red meat (in husband's case) and more veg, fruit and fish will help a lot for a start.  Incidentally, to Heather who asked if I eat white pasta or bread.....no, have eaten mostly wholegrains for several years.  We need to be more active too, especially husband, he's really got back to doing next to nothing again.  But it also applies to me, I need to up my physical activity levels.  I've suggested to husband that he try doing jobs for just 30 mins at a time - I'll let him know when the time is up.  I suggested he do a bit of strimming in the back garden (in between showers!) yesterday, which he did, although after faffing about getting the strimmer out of his messy shed, changing the (flat) battery and putting on new line, he only managed about 7 mins of actual strimming before the 30 mins was up.  But it was a start!  A bit later on, he got the lawnmower out and started mowing, but had to stop when a heavy shower started.

I sorted out 2 loads of washing and did a few jobs in the kitchen.  Did another freezer inventory and wrote a list of veg-heavy meals to pick and choose from for the coming week.  Wrote a list for a small shop today or tomorrow as well.

I've suggested also that both of us do simple neck or shoulder exercises when we're sitting down, they'll be beneficial for husband with his neck pain.  I'm also starting up using my little foot cycle machine thing again, even though it hurts my hips and knees at present, I just grit my teeth and get on with it, it'll hurt less in due course.  I do have to remind husband to do his exercises (which, incidentally, were suggested to him by his GP when he went last week).

Being more physically active will help both of us, mentally as well as physically.

Pain management and veggie food

 Horrendous weather today so we won't be going anywhere, so a day to keep busy indoors, particularly as we're both suffering with pain and need to occupy ourselves to take our minds off the pain.  Easy for me to keep busy, I can always find something to do, but I'll have to encourage husband to get on with a few small jobs.  He's brooding about the housing situation again, he just can't accept that there's nothing we can do but keep putting in bids and then having to be patient.  It's very frustrating I agree, but I don't brood about it because it's out of my hands, I can't do anything to speed things up or find the perfect property.

Thanks everyone for all your helpful suggestions (via email too) re pain management and dry eyes treatment - the optician prescribed drops called Hycosan Dual, I've been using them twice a day since Wednesday, I wouldn't say there's any great improvement yet but perhaps it's early days.  I have been told by my GP that for pain management to be effective, I should take paracetamol in recommended doses (i.e. 2 tablets 4 times a day) - just taking one dose only when I feel I can't cope with the pain simply doesn't work, as I can vouch for.  However, I'm not one for taking tablets on a regular basis, it just feels wrong to me.  But that's just me, I have a (probably irrational) fear of becoming addicted, or that the body gets used to them and they won't be very effective anymore.  But I need to get on top of this current pain so I will just have to do as the doctor says and take them regularly for a while.  I took 2 doses yesterday and still didn't sleep very well (been up since just after 04.00) because of the pain, so will take 4 doses today.  I can't take ibuprofen or naproxen as I have an adverse reaction to them, it's on my medical notes that I can't be given them.  I've got a TENS machine but don't find that helpful either.

Anyway.....moving on.  Yesterday I made us a lovely dinner, if I do say so myself.  We had turkey sausages (turkey or chicken sausages are the only ones I eat) with cauli cheese mash, peas and cauli leaves.  It was a lovely fresh cauliflower with beautiful unblemished fresh green leaves, so I used them as the greens, chopping and stirfrying them in a little butter and olive oil, delicious.  The cauli head I broke into florets and riced in my little electric chopper, then cooked it in a little veg stock.  When cooked I stirred in some cream cheese, a handful of grated cheese and some dried sage and thyme and put it in the microwave, yum.  There's plenty left to have today, with fishcakes and sweetcorn.

We've drastically cut down on carbs for the past 2 or 3 days, the surest way for me to lose weight.  It's working for me already, I'm peeing for England - I always do when I cut out bread, potatoes, pasta etc.  I bought a veg cookery magazine yesterday, it's got a nice recipe in it for a courgette and cheese frittata, I think I'll make a double size one and use a couple of grated carrots in it as well - I like the combination of carrots and cheese.

I'm going to do a big choppy salad box today (by the way, Sue of A Smaller and Simpler Life, who gave me the idea - having tried it a couple of weeks ago, I'm astounded at how well the salad lasts by your method of keeping it in a lidded plastic box, putting a piece of kitchen tissue on top of the salad and turning the box upside down), I'll have it for lunches with crumbled feta cheese or canned tuna, husband will have shredded ham - I cooked a small gammon for him yesterday.

Everything hurts

 The eye problem is nothing to worry about, thankfully, it's something called dry eye syndrome which can be treated with drops, which I was given.  However, my close up/reading sight has worsened considerably and I need new reading glasses, I'll choose them another time.  And now I have early cataracts in both eyes (it was just one the last time I went), but it'll be years before they need an op.

The bungalow I put a bid on yesterday has been withdrawn from the list, annoyingly.  This has happened a few times now.....the housing association or Council don't give a reason, it could be that a problem was found with the property that needs dealing with, the property usually gets put back on the list in a week or two.  Getting a successful house move is such a long-winded process...we were told right at the start it probably would be, but it is really frustrating all the same.  We've been waiting 8 months now and have bid on loads of properties....one must be successful at some point, it's irritating waiting though.  We're in limbo all the time, with several things not just the housing.

My back and hip are no better, which is impacting my sleep.  I'll have to try taking more paracetamol doses (just the recommended doses!) for a few days, to see if that helps.  As I'm obviously walking or standing differently, because of the pain, it's also causing problems with my knees and even my left shoulder, I feel like a decrepit old wreck at the moment, everything hurts.

Happy Hooker put on a link to a doctor talking about anticholinergic meds yesterday, I watched it and then did some further research.  Although I've heard of anticholinergics, I didn't know anything about them - well apparently they're not recommended for older people, as they can cause no end of problems, especially memory loss and confusion.  Thank you HH, it's been very enlightening.  As it happens, husband isn't on any of the meds mentioned, luckily - however, I have been taking one of them, amitriptyline, for the back pain and they do help me to sleep.  Well, I won't be taking it anymore.  I know this pain I'm currently experiencing will most likely be shortlived, I just have to find ways of dealing with it (or ignoring it) in the short term.

More waiting and patience required

 The new list of available housing is out today, I've already looked and there's just one suitable property, for which I've put in a bid.  It's a very pretty cul de sac, in a suitable area, but there's no individual parking and only 3 parking spaces to serve 6 bungalows, so that may be a problem.  It looks as though the garden is tiny too, which isn't great.  But if we're offered it, we will at least go and have a look.  Last week there were 3 suitable properties, all of which I bid for, so another wait to hear.  Husband is getting increasingly frustrated over the waiting times, he keeps asking me if there's anything we can do to speed things up....the short answer is no, nothing.  We just have to be patient.  Same goes for hearing from the psychologist.

I did next to nothing yesterday as my back and left hip are really painful at the moment - have been since husband's memory assessment last week, sitting in a hard upright chair at a table for 2.5 hours made my back and hips really sore and they've not yet recovered.  I sorted a washload out, went and had my hair cut (hairdresser lives just 2 doors away, fortunately), did some menu plans and cooked dinner, and that was about it.  I've got to go for an eye examination this morning, I have a minor problem with my right eye - well, I hope it's minor.  At the moment I'm half blind, half deaf and partly crippled, so am feeling pretty useless.  But that's life, there are millions of people worse off.  Keeping busy will help to take my mind off the pain.....this is what I tell husband too, he needs to find things to do to occupy himself, rather than just sitting brooding.

The blimmin opticians sent me an email yesterday morning, and a text about half an hour later, and then followed that up with a phone call in the afternoon, all reminding me about the appointment this morning.  Talk about overkill.  I guess they must have had loads of no shows.

The forecast is for a mixture of sun and showers with fairly gusty winds pretty much every day for the next week, so putting washing out will be a bit hit and miss.

A tiny bit of progress

 We've had a lovely weekend away, apart from the thunderstorm - full blown lightning, thunder and torrential rain, not fun when you're inside a tin box!  Betty was quite unnerved by it, as was I - fortunately it only lasted a few minutes.  At least we know the caravan doesn't leak!

Husband is coming round to the idea that he's suffering from depression - he was initially adamant he wasn't, even when the psychologist was gently suggesting he might be.  I have no idea whether this depression may turn out to be the root cause of all his recent problems, or whether the depression is a result of those problems.....hopefully the memory assessment team will let us know what they think in due course, I'm hoping it doesn't take too long before we hear.  

I had a good long talk with our lovely caravan neighbour J - her husband C tactfully made himself scarce whilst we chatted.  J is a darling, she's 78 and very wise, calm, knowledgeable and sensible, but with a wicked but gentle sense of humour.  It felt such a relief to get a lot of worries off my chest, I haven't had much opportunity to do that lately, in fact a lot of the time recently I've felt like I was drowning in a sea of worries and problems, with no-one to help me and no lifebelt.  I still feel like I'm in the sea, but now I'm treading water and seeing a glimpse of a - well, I was going to say lifeboat on the horizon, but actually it's more of a lifebuoy.  J asked how I was holding up and how I thought I'd cope with a possible dementia diagnosis.....I said whatever it is, we'll deal with it.

Husband is definite about not wanting to take antidepressants - I knew he wouldn't want them and I can't say I blame him, I wouldn't want them either.  He says he takes more than enough meds as it is, he doesn't want any more.  He's agreed that sitting around doing nothing except moping is not doing him any good whatsoever, and is causing him to put on more weight, apart from anything else.  So he's agreed (we've had some good talks about things the past day or two) that each day he'll make an effort to do something - a job in the house or garden, or some little project.  I've just got to make sure he continues and doesn't slip back into just lounging in front of the TV.  He also says we'll try and take Betty out (to our favourite beach, probably) for longer walks at least once a week, weather and appointments permitting.

J and C noticed how withdrawn and subdued husband was this weekend, they both commented on it.  Before we came home this morning C - such a lovely bloke, very kind, relaxed and cheery - flung his arm round husband's shoulders and said 'Come on mate, give us a smile, we need you back to your cheeky self', which husband liked.  Both J and C insisted I must keep them informed, which of course I will.  We're lucky to have met them, they're a wonderful couple and our stays at the van are always made better still when they are there.

Going shopping tomorrow for lots of fresh veg & fruit, chicken and fish - husband has agreed to follow a healthy low carb diet with me.  

Joking aside....

 Husband is a joker, has been all his life....well, as long as I've known him, 42 years.  After all that time, I know when he's kidding - he does it with a straight face - but people who don't know him (or not very well) don't.  After he's said something jokingly, people often give him a strange look....trying to work out if he's serious or not.....husband loves that, he loves the fun of shocking people.  And he doesn't always tell them he's kidding, sometimes he just likes to leave them wondering, and it's left up to me to explain or reassure them.

During the memory assessment tests the other day, husband gave several jokey answers - I could see from the expression on the psychologist's face that she was unsure whether he was kidding or not.  I told her he jokes all the time and, unfortunately, sometimes what he says has to be taken with a pinch of salt.  A couple of times when he'd given particularly ridiculous jokey answers, I touched his arm and said it would be better if he just gave Clare (the psychologist) a straight answer - after all, it was a serious examination he was having.

After about an hour of questions, Clare started asking husband about his mood, and I realised she was exploring whether he was suffering from depression or anxiety (I've had the same questions put to me when I've been depressed).  She said she had to go and collect another form for husband to complete that she didn't have with her, so went off to get it.  It turned out to be the standard tick-box form to determine if one is suicidal - I recognised it immediately, having had to fill one in myself 2 or 3 times.

Now, I've suffered with clinical depression a few times, the type I have is called Reactive Depression, meaning it comes on as a result of something happening.  Husband, however, has only ever once had depression - about 20-odd years ago when he was involved in an RTA and had to have 12 weeks off work.  It was fairly short-lived, he had antidepressants for a few months and one session of counselling (he refused to go anymore after that) and was back to his usual self within about 6 or 7 months.

I hadn't realised that husband may be suffering from depression - he doesn't actively look miserable, but all the other signs were/are there - he's not as active or outgoing as he normally is, he's just sitting watching TV far more than usual, he's argumentative and short-tempered (very!) which is out of character for him.  He's not sleeping very well (again, not like him) and is eating more than usual.  And he has no interest in anything really.  How could I have missed all that - well, the possible reason for all of that?  Well, I suppose because, other than that one time so many years ago, he's never suffered with depression before.

Incidentally, the day after the memory assessment, I gently pointed out that it may not be a good idea to be joking all the time during such an assessment, and asked why he felt the need.  After some umming and aahhing, he admitted it was to cover up the fact that he felt so anxious about some of the tests and questions.  He never tells me anything, I have to prise stuff out of him with a crowbar.

We're off to the caravan again this morning, staying for a few days.  I was supposed to have an eye examination next Monday (I have a minor problem with my right eye), but had a phone call yesterday to move the appointment to Wednesday next week, so we can stay at the van for an extra couple of days if we want to.  Changing appointments (by them, not us) seems to be the norm nowadays.

Memory tests Part 2

 The advanced memory assessment tests at the clinic yesterday took a long time, 2.5 hours, at the end of which we were both mentally and physically shattered.  Not that the tests were in any way physical (no star jumps or anything!), but the very act of sitting in a hard office type chair at a table for that length of time was difficult, it affected husband's arthritis in his neck and made my hips and back very sore.  We both had headaches and felt like our brains were overloaded, it was a lot to process and we both had to do a lot of talking.  Some of the tests were quite difficult, even for me as an observer and without any memory or cognitive problems, so obviously husband found them even harder.  And some - quite a few actually - of the relatively easy ones he couldn't do or got wrong, and that wasn't related to his dyslexia.  It was hard for me to watch him struggling, I'm so used to helping him out with things like giving him the right word when he's struggling to think of what he means, but I was told not to help him, the psychologist needed to see for herself how his mind was working.

She asked me questions about things he does and whether his behaviour has changed (it has), and I found it quite uncomfortable at times to answer honestly whilst I was sat in front of him.

We now have to wait for them to analyse all the results, including the finer details of the brain scan report, and have a case conference about it/him.  The psychologist said she will ring us in due course, and follow up with a detailed written report.  If husband is found to have a cognitive impairment, he will see her again for ways to cope with that - there's no meds that will treat it.  If, however, it is some form of dementia, he will be referred on to the specialist dementia team.  Oh, she did say it's possible he may have to go back for more tests.....I really hope not, yesterday did us both in.

One good thing, the psychologist said the same thing as the previous one he'd seen - she feels there is no immediate reason for him to stop driving, although, again, she stressed that may change in future.

A pleasant surprise when we got home - a letter for me from the probate people who have been dealing with the estate of my deceased distant relative (that I never knew existed, we subsequently found out he was a cousin of my mother's, although to my knowledge she never mentioned him), he died intestate.  Probate has been settled and all relatives have been traced and informed of their legacy.  There are apparently 25 living relatives, they were all listed in the documents, and two-thirds of them I've never heard of, I have no idea who they are.  The deceased relative wasn't a wealthy man and our legacy isn't a lot, we won't be buying a new car or caravan!  But it's a nice little amount to add to our moving fund.

We are having a quiet easy day today, although we have to go shopping at some point - this afternoon I expect whilst Betty is at the groomers.  Neither of us slept well last night, too much on our minds.

What if?

 As you may have realised, I've been really low lately.... very low indeed.  Just performing like a robot, doing what needs doing and no more.  Shutting my feelings off and building a barrier around myself.  Having been away in my beloved caravan for a few days, I've picked up a bit.  It was our park's 90th anniversary weekend so there were lots of owners there, and a big BBQ organised by the park owner.  I was in two minds whether to attend the BBQ, I really didn't feel much like socialising, but went for an hour, husband stayed longer.  It was nice just to spend time resting and reading though.  Thank you all once again for all the supportive comments and emails, it's appreciated more than you know.  I'm sorry if I haven't replied.

Our lovely next door van friends C&J arrived around lunchtime today (they couldn't come over the weekend), we waited to have a quick catch up with them and then came home.  Husband has his more advanced memory tests at the clinic tomorrow, Betty goes to the groomer on Wednesday, and I'm busy on Thursday, we'll be back to the van on Friday for a proper catch up with C&J. 

The senior psychologist who rang me to arrange husband's appointment tomorrow told me not to expect any diagnosis tomorrow, or even necessarily anytime soon.  She said they'll have to have a case conference and it'll take time to analyse the results of all the tests.  So more waiting.

The thing that worries me the most is something that Tania (Frugal in Essex) touched on in her comment last week.  If husband is diagnosed with some form of dementia or cognitive impairment - well, it's not a good outcome by any means....but it'll be a diagnosis, no cure but possibly meds to slow it up.  And possibly some help and support available for us.

But what if it isn't, what if there's no clinical reason for his problems and issues?  Except getting old and obnoxious?  What then?