Saturday, 18 January 2020

To explain a few things

I feel the need to explain a few things.  Firstly, let me say from the outset that it's not my intention to upset anyone, and am sorry if it does - I just need to explain how I feel, as some people don't understand.

There seems to be a perception amongst some people (and I'm not talking solely about my blog readers) that now the funeral is over, and husband's prostate test showed it's not as large as was feared, everything's ok now.  Well it isn't.

Re Mum's death....the sympathy cards I received are still on the mantlepiece.  Husband asked yesterday if I want them taken down - no I don't, not yet, I'm not ready to let go yet.  Grieving is a long process which goes through many stages, as I'm sure you know.  Mum died just 26 days ago, it still seems like yesterday and still is raw.  She's not suffering anymore, for which I'm glad (and she really did suffer towards the end), but that doesn't take away the fact that my mother is dead and I'll never see her again.

There are things going on, which will be ongoing for the foreseeable future, to do with the aftermath of Mum's death and which are a huge problem and worry.  Just in case anybody thinks it's to do with Mum's will and what she left - it isn't.  She didn't leave a will, for 2 very good reasons - she didn't have much of monetary worth to leave, and she knew none of us would squabble amongst ourselves over what she left, but would sort it out amicably between us.  Which is exactly what is happening.  I can't say what the problems are and have no intention of doing so - literally anybody in the world could read this blog and I'm not likely to tell the world everything about my life.

Re husband's prostate.....yes it's shrunk to only just over normal size, but that doesn't mean the problems stop here.  As the doctor himself told me, when I spoke to him on the phone a couple of days ago - the actual size of the prostate is not really important, other than deciding what type of operation husband can have (if one is necessary) and where it can be done.  It's what's happening inside his prostate that is important, and that's not for him to speculate on - he only does the tests, he doesn't interpret the results or make any decisions, that's a job for the consultant.  So it is still possible that husband may have to have an op.  There are 3 types of op - only one of them can be done at our local hospital, the other 2 (regardless of size) can't, he would have to travel to a distant hospital for those.  Whichever type of op he has, if one is necessary, is something to be discussed with the consultant in due course.  If husband were to stop taking the meds he's on - to shrink the prostate and to keep infections at bay - the problems would return.  He's not 'fixed', the problems are still there, just being held at bay at the moment.

We have another, very big, problem too, and again it's not something I will ever be talking about on here.  It's nobody else's business and no one can help us with it (unless they'd been through it themselves).  Suffice it to say it's very worrying and is contributing to my lack of sleep.  It will get sorted in due course.

Talking of sleep, if I say I had a good(ish) night, all that means is that I managed to get more than about 2 or 3 hours sleep, and possibly didn't have to get out of bed and go downstairs for a couple of hours, rather than lying there completely unable to sleep, tossing and turning and disturbing husband.  There are many reasons for my insomnia, worrying about various stressful problems and pain being some of them.  I NEVER sleep all through the night, it just doesn't happen.  I may, very occasionally, have a night where I don't get out of bed, but it's rare.  I get up every morning feeling like I could sleep for a week (if only!) and am shattered every single day, there is never a time when I don't feel tired.  That's my reality.  

There is a lady, who lost her husband last year, who regularly rings me and simply asks "How are you?".  Those 3 words mean so much to me, she is totally empathetic, she understands the distinction between 'how are you?' and 'feeling better now?'.  The latter isn't even a question really, it's more of a statement and assumption that I must be feeling 'better', or back to 'normal' even, now that things are over or that I had a reasonable night's sleep (how is one night, where I slept perhaps 4 hours, going to make up for years and years of not sleeping much at all?).

Our problems are our problems, I don't expect others to solve them.  Nor do I expect people to walk on eggshells around us.  I don't want suggestions for what I can do either, unless I ask for them.  We're all different, we all react to things and cope with things in different ways, so what one person would do, or what works for one person, may not be the right thing for someone else.  I like to think that if someone I knew was suffering or struggling, I would keep in touch with them in a respectful way, asking how they were or if there was something I could do, or encourage them to talk and listen, REALLY listen, to what they had to say.  Or just give them a hug!  What I wouldn't do is get irritated if they snapped at me, but hold my tongue, as it would clearly be a sign that they aren't coping at that time.  Nor would I back away and ignore them....unless they wanted me to.

Just to be a friend and keep in touch and let the person suffering know that you're thinking of them and are ready and willing to help if and when they want/need it....that's the best thing you can do.


  1. Thank you Sooze, for speaking from your heart. Yes, it's early days and grief has no time limit. I remember when I couldn't sleep because my Dad was very ill, and my boss said, "I don't have any trouble sleeping." Not at all helpful or empathetic! I hope your problems sort themselves out. Hold on to those glimmers of hope. I wish I could give you a hug, but a virtual one will have to suffice. xx

  2. I detest platitudes and have felt like telling people in the past. Well said.

  3. Bravo Sooze, for making it clear. I've done the same in the past, and some people don't like it. I see that as their problem. There are people who read and hear what THEY want to, and there are others who want to know every last detail of what's going on in your life; that's never going to happen with me either. Heck, there are family members who don't know what's going on in my life, let alone strangers. Have a virtual hug from me (( )). Take care xx

  4. Very well said my darling! Hugs! xxx

  5. Bless you Sooze. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Even when I don't have time to leave a comment

  6. Sending you a big hug, Sooze xx

  7. Sending a hug or six your way , across the miles, seas and mountains.
    You are in my thoughts a lot,hoping for you, a way to deal with everything that is wrong.
    Take care of you as best you know how.

  8. stopping by and sending a hug. x


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