It's not happening tomorrow!

 Something I should reiterate - husband is not going to stop driving tomorrow, or anytime soon - it'll be a year or so, most likely.  So we've got plenty of time to sort things out.  I have literally only just begun to think about this - yes the thought is terrifying initially, after 44 years of having a car, but I am quite sure I'll get my head around it before it actually happens.  Another thing to mention - taking Betty on a coach or bus, train or in a taxi is just not going to happen, it's a complete No-no - I'm not going into the whys and wherefores.  And I am sure there are local dial-a-ride services or volunteer drivers to take people to hospital or appointments - I just haven't started looking yet.  I am allowed to be apprehensive about how things are going to work out!!  How many of you have actually got no transport of your own (or your partner's or another live at home relative or friend), and how many of you have family and friends with transport nearby, who are happy and willing to take you places?  We have no-one.  

We've decided that we will start testing out things like getting buses to places, getting food shopping delivered (that's not new to me, I used to do my food shop online quite often when we lived in the last house) and so on, to see how we get on and get us used to it.  To that end, husband had decided that he was getting the bus to his gym session this morning - well that wasn't a good start, he's just come back after waiting over half an hour for the bus, which just didn't turn up - I told you they were unreliable here!  He's now gone off in the car.  

I'm glad today is the last of the really hot and muggy weather, Betty and I are both suffering in the heat.

It's scaring me to death

 Whilst it's been so hot - and muggy over the past few days - Betty's only getting one walk a day, the early morning one....the rest of the time she goes out in the garden.  She's pretty sensible about the heat, she doesn't like getting too hot (takes after me) so comes indoors after just a few minutes.  In the hot weather she doesn't like walking much anyway, she drags her feet and sometimes just doesn't want to go for a walk at all.  It's cloudy but humid this morning, and a very hot day forecast for tomorrow, but cools down a fair bit after that, thank goodness.

Husband has decided to start going by bus to his gym sessions once or twice a week, starting tomorrow, to get himself used to the idea of not driving next year.  He's got a bus pass, had it for a few years actually, although has hardly used it up till now.  I haven't got one yet, obviously, as you can't get one until you reach state pension age.  I'm going to be making a list of everywhere we normally go by car, just to see when and where we use the car, so I can start planning how to do things without it.  The thing that's worrying me the most is the lack of spontaneity - whereas now we can think oh it's a nice day, we'll pop out to our favourite tea room in Allerford, or take a picnic and go for a drive up on the moors, or nip to Blue Anchor for a walk along the prom and a coffee in the Bay cafe.....once we're without a car we can't really do anything like that.  Well, not on a completely spontaneous whim anyway.  Anywhere we need to go, like shopping or appointments, will have to be planned in advance.  I can't see how we'll be able to pop out anywhere on the spur of the moment.  I'm really not looking forward to it, it all scares me to death if I'm honest.  And there's just so much to think about, I'm feeling really overwhelmed by it all right now.

I did comment to husband that he's taking the thought of giving up driving remarkably calmly, very surprising as he was a professional driver (first buses and coaches, then HGVs) practically all his working life.  He said he'd rather take the decision himself to stop driving, than be forcibly told by a doctor or even the police that he's got to give up driving as he's a danger to himself and the public.  He did say he knows it's not going to be easy and dreads thinking about it.  We rely on our car so much, I'm really worrying about how we'll manage without one.  I'm scared about feeling trapped at home.

Working towards being carless

 Christina, Sue is the name I'm usually known by, by most people.  However, I chose Sooze for my blogging name as my lovely Granddad and a couple of my favourite workmates all called me Sooze, I like it better than Sue and it has lovely memories for me.

We popped out to the garden centre yesterday to see what veggie plants they had - some of our veggies are finished now (the beetroots, radishes and peas) so we have some gaps to fill in the veg beds.  They didn't have loads, which I expected anyway, but we did get a couple of orange pepper plants, a strip of rainbow carrots and a single aubergine plant.  We've had only limited success when growing aubergines in the past, hence why we only bought one.  They're all strong healthy plants so hopefully will grow well, husband planted them all yesterday afternoon.

We did what Sue suggested and added up the monthly costs of running our car, it comes to around £150 p.m. including fuel, so it would be a saving of around £1800 per year once we get rid of it, plus whatever we get for selling it.  Which won't be a lot as it's pretty old, about 13 or 14 years I think.  Fortunately, it's been very reliable and we've hardly had to spend anything on it.  Husband's just had his car insurance renewal quote in, it's actually £20 cheaper than last year....he's decided to go with that rather than bothering with getting other quotes, hardly seems worth it when this renewal quote is cheaper than last year's (which was a surprise).  He also checked his driving licence - it's due for renewal in Jan 2027.  So we've agreed that next year will be his last year of driving....unless something happens to cause him to give up earlier (I hope not).  So we've got at least a year of getting our heads around not having a car anymore.  I might even think about us having a holiday later on this year whilst we still can, hiring a cottage not too far away so he doesn't have far to drive - up to an hour's drive would be just right, not too taxing for him.

I'm still not feeling like myself, life is undeniably hard for me nowadays - for husband too, of course, with his health conditions.....fortunately for him, mentally he's generally blissfully unaware of the chaos he sometimes causes.  And when he asks me a question, he's nearly always oblivious of the fact that he's almost certainly asked me the same question (and received an answer) probably half a dozen times already that day.  Whereas I sigh internally and think "Really?  Again?".  It's very hard sometimes not to roll my eyes and snap "I've already told you" - I do try not to, it's not his fault he can't remember things.

Shoppers bus and granny trollies

 As I mentioned in a previous post, coach holidays are definitely not an option whilst we have Betty, but thank you for the suggestions regarding them, and for all the other helpful suggestions and comments.

Jane, you've really hit the nail on the head (again!) with your comment about the 'let's jump in the car and drive somewhere' era coming to an end.  And yes it is crap.  Having a car represents freedom and spur of the moment things....having to be without one is going to require a lot of adjustment.  I know you're in a similar situation to us, Jane, and sometimes your comments echo so exactly what I'm thinking and feeling that it almost feels like you're inside my head!

I have literally just found out that a local coach company run a shoppers bus to a big retail park in Bridgwater once a week....and, amazingly, it's free.  It picks up and drops off at our local bus stop, the journey to/from Bridgwater takes around 1.5 hours (longer than by car, due to all the pick ups) and you get 1 hour 45 mins for shopping in town.  So the actual time from start to finish is just under 5 hours, which is the limit for the time we're happy to leave Betty home alone.  The retail park has several shops we don't have here in Minehead - Sainsburys, M&S food store, Next, 2 large pet stores, and a big charity shop that has the best and cheapest range of 2nd hand paperback books, I got loads of books there when we lived in our last house.  There's also a big shoe shop, couple of cafes, a McDonalds and a Home Bargains, so lots to look in.  We're going to give it a try next week.  I'm so pleased about this, it'll be great on several fronts - a chance to shop in places we know and love and don't have nearby, and a guaranteed trip out weekly if we want it.  I doubt we'll be getting food shopping from the supermarket, we don't want to be carrying lots of bags on the bus journey home.  When the time comes for us to give up the car, I'll be doing my food shop online and having it delivered - I've done it frequently in the past anyhow.  I suppose I could always buy one of those 'granny trollies' - tongue in cheek, I've always thought of them as being for grannies!  I'm not a granny, although am certainly old enough to be one!  I can see that it would be useful, so I'll think seriously about getting one.

ADDED 

I've just found this on Amazon, how pretty is that?  Think I'll get one.

What worries me

 Thanks so much for all your supportive comments and emails (special thanks to Cherie, very kind of you).  I deleted 3 or 4 comments that were judgy, patronising or showed little understanding of what it actually means to be suffering with depression - they were all anonymous, of course.  I am aware that I could see my GP with a view to getting antidepressant meds - no thanks, been there, done that and don't want to do it again - the last time it took a year to be weaned off them once I was feeling better.  Talking therapies - yep, tried that too, didn't find it particularly helpful.

I think what triggered this latest bout of depression was the realisation that we won't be having any holidays from now on, it's just too problematical for so many reasons.  And the fact that I'm sure husband will have to stop driving within the next year - even he agrees it's very likely to happen sooner rather than later.  I know 1000s of people don't have cars and cope perfectly well, but the fact is that it frightens me - in all our 44 years (42 married) together, we've never been without a car.  Lack of confidence the older I get is also a problem.  Prior to us moving down here to Somerset, we always lived in, or on the edge of, big towns with plentiful public transport, so even though I didn't drive, I had no problem getting anywhere on buses.  The bus service here though is pretty awful, it's notoriously unreliable, people on our local FB page complain literally every day about the bus being cancelled, at short or even no notice, and having to wait up to 2 hours to be able to get into town or home from town - when subsequent buses do turn up, because of the previous cancellations they're full and the drivers don't let anyone else on.  The local MP is apparently now going to be taking it up with the bus company - the excuses they give for the cancellations are drivers going sick or buses breaking down.  Let's hope that she achieves a good result from her meeting with the bus company, but I won't hold my breath.

I know people who have never had cars and they say it's fine - but if it's something one has always been used to, then it's never really been a problem, it's the norm for them.  I'm struggling to get my head round it all, even more difficult when everything is on my shoulders.  And it's not easy with no relatives or friends anywhere near us.

I'll work things out eventually, I always do, case of having to.

Depression

 I've been very depressed lately, it's probably noticeable in my posts.  I'm finding life hard, stressful and lonely, with no prospect of improvement.

Doing bugger all

 The last couple of days I've been practically crippled with back and hip pain, it's agony.  But when there are jobs needing doing, I just grit my teeth and get on with them.  I'm not being a martyr - if something needs doing, I do it, I cannot live in a mess with stuff piling up around me needing to be dealt with, that's just not the way I am.  Meanwhile, husband has gone back to his default setting of doing bugger all unless I specifically ask him (several times) to do a job.  The veg garden is supposed to be his domain, although I planned what we were going to grow and helped him with the sowing and planting.  But he doesn't even harvest anything - and there's lots to harvest now - without me asking him to.  I did say I wanted beetroots pulled when they were golf ball size - the last few he's brought in have been Jaffa orange size.  The courgettes are turning into marrows, the radishes I said yesterday he may as well throw away as they were like gherkin sized torpedoes, munched by creepy crawlies and all woody.  The lettuces were all bolting.  He takes his eye off the ball and unless I make a point of saying he needs to harvest, he just doesn't.

The side effects from the 2 new meds he was given a couple of weeks ago have now worn off, and both meds are clearly beginning to do their jobs - the new nerve tab for his painful feet has already reduced the pain substantially, and the diuretic for his heart failure related oedema has got rid of the swollen ankles.  So he's better off already.  Husband, despite his heart failure and localised arthritis, is not physically incapable of doing things - he doesn't have the same stamina or strength he used to have, obviously, but provided he's sensible and does things at a slower pace and takes regular breaks, he can still do plenty of things.  He just doesn't seem to want to, he'd rather sit and watch (doze in front of) the TV all day.  And then, having dozed most of the morning away, he frequently goes and has a lie down on his bed for an hour or 2.  I don't know who sleeps more, him or Betty!  The dozing off is also caused by some of his many meds, but he doesn't have to give in to it all the time, he could get up and do something.

And to think just a few years ago he was so busy and worked so many hours/days (6 days a week quite often) doing gardening and odd jobs for people - and this was after he retired from his full-time lorry driving job - I hardly saw him.  How times have changed, he's gone from one extreme to the other.

And before anyone suggests it, he's not depressed - he did suffer with a period of depression several years ago but is definitely not depressed now.

Hot, in pain, tired (all 3 of us). But at least we're alive!

 3 days since I posted last - nothing wrong, well, no more than usual - just nothing much to say.  It's been so hot we haven't been out anywhere, certainly too hot for Betty and I.  Luckily, it's quite cool inside the bungalow, much cooler than outside.  

I haven't done any more walking since Tuesday, partly because of the heat but mostly because my prolapsed disc is being particularly painful and slow to settle down this time.  Walking, sitting, standing - all are painful so I don't really know what to do with myself right now.  My big toe is numb yet again, so the disc is clearly pressing on the nerve.  Walking jolts my back, which in turn hurts my hip and knee, so every movement is punctuated with groans and gasps.  I feel a proper old lady.  Oh well, it'll all get back to the usual low-level everyday pain shortly, I expect.

Betty's more or less slept the past few days away, a combination of the hot weather and her clearly getting older.  I've increased her glucosamine tablets to help keep her comfortable.  She's still eating and drinking normally, although her periods of play have lessened and she only rarely has the zoomies now.  

Husband hasn't been himself this week either, he's only been to the gym twice instead of three times and only just managed half an hour or so each time, he said it felt like too much effort.  I think the hot weather is getting to him too, plus the side effects of his two new meds.  The nausea has worn off, but he's dropping off to sleep during the day even more (if that's even possible!).

The past few days I've been coming to terms with the realisation that we'll probably never have a holiday again, the thought of which is quite depressing, holidays have always been a big part of our lives.  This is almost certainly the last year that husband will be driving - I know we could go on coach holidays but that's never really appealed to either of us, and we wouldn't be able to take Betty anyhow and there's no way I would put her in kennels or even with a dog sitter.  Even if we hired a cottage not too far away and got a coach (if dogs were allowed) or perhaps a taxi (expensive) to the accommodation, without our own transport we'd be very limited in where we could go once there.  It's a case of learning to adjust to what will be our new normal I suppose.  Somebody said to me the other day that we're pretty much permanently on holiday here, which I thought was downright insensitive - my life does not feel in any way like any kind of holiday!

We've got 2 more landlord arranged inspections coming up, we seem to be having one for something or other every couple of weeks.  One is to check the amount of insulation in the loft, the other to check the smoke alarms - the alarms are tested at the start of every month by our housing officer, so I'm not quite sure what this 'annual' check is all about, batteries maybe.  Well, at least our housing association well and truly looks after us.

Nostalgia

 I did go for another short walk yesterday evening after all, just 10 mins around our estate.  I got a deep pain inside my left buttock (I've had it before, many times) which exacerbated the sciatica down the back of my left leg, I was well and truly limping by the time I got home.  Honestly, there's always something.  Still, it's nothing I haven't had to put up with all of my adult life, since my first slipped disc when I was 19, so it's not like I'm not used to it and I'm not letting it get me down.

I was lying in bed last night (another uncomfortable night due to the back and hip pain), wondering what to have for dinner today - I hadn't got around to doing a menu plan for this week, must do that today.  I suddenly thought I really fancy egg, chips and beans (husband can have a small gammon steak with his), it's one of the meals we had regularly as children.  And that brought up a load of memories about what we ate at home during our childhood - I still love some of the meals we had back then.

I don't think my Mum really liked cooking, she did what she had to in order to feed us (and did it very well I might add, we never went hungry and Mum was brilliant at making meals out of nothing).  She certainly wasn't an adventurous cook, and we had pretty much the same meals every week.  We nearly always had a roast on Sundays, although sometimes (I guess on weeks when she didn't have much money) it was toad in the hole - which we all loved regardless of the reason she made it.  Mondays it was usually leftover cold roast meat with veg, or bubble and squeak.  Fridays it was something from the chip shop, dad stopped off there to get it on his way home from work - he had rock salmon (is that even still available nowadays?), us kids and Mum had either fishcakes or sausages, with plenty of chips and 'scraps' - bits of fried batter.  We always had white sliced bread and butter too - although I'm not sure looking back whether it was butter or margarine.  I don't remember the actual days we had them, but other days we always had liver & bacon casserole, sausages with mash, peas and onion sauce, Shepherds pie (Mum always called it Shepherds pie regardless of what meat she made it with, I suspect it would have been whatever minced meat was cheapest that week).  Heinz tomato soup with a toasted cheese sandwich was generally a Saturday meal, I think - Mum had probably had enough of cooking by then.  Or the egg, chips and beans on Saturdays - homemade chips cooked in a deep pan of oil of course.  After dad buggered off when I was 13, we didn't often have chip shop meals on Fridays - Mum didn't have the money for that....sometimes she made chips and we'd have chip butties and mushy peas, which still felt like a treat to us.

I still like most of the meals we had back then, Shepherds pie (well, cottage pie really) is still a favourite, although I make it with chicken mince nowadays.  I don't eat liver & bacon anymore, but do occasionally eat sausages, maybe once or twice a month.  And I love fishcakes, but the fresh gourmet type ones that come in packs of 2, not the tasteless frozen ones.  Heinz tomato soup - or my own homemade tomato soup - and a cheese toastie are still yummy, although nowadays that's generally a lunch for us rather than a main evening meal.

Well, that was a bit of nostalgia and passed away a pleasant hour during the night when my hip was giving me hell.  What did you eat as kids, and do you still have it nowadays?

Watch and wait

 We did a 45-minute walk yesterday up and down the little access side lane a couple of miles away, lovely and peaceful, just 2 nice gardens to look at (fields other than those 2 houses), only saw one other person, a jogger.  Betty enjoyed all the smells in the hedges.  By the time we got back to the car though, my hip was protesting quite a lot, and kept me awake a fair bit through the night.  It'll get better with regular walks though.  I shan't be going out for a walk today, I'll leave it for a day for my hip to settle down and go out tomorrow.

The landlord's building surveyor has been and gone, he arrived just before 9 am.  Nothing needs doing in the house, I mentioned the bees under the eaves, which he said he could hear clearly and saw some going in and out.  He was a bit wary about going up in the loft, in case it was full of bees - fortunately not, he shone his torch all around and said there were no bees at all up there, so they seem to be just nesting between the roof tiles and the membrane underneath.  We've decided on a 'watch and wait' approach - we were both in agreement that since honeybees are an endangered species, we don't really want to disturb them and possibly kill some of them off.  The surveyor made a note on his iPad about the bees and said that if they become a problem, which they're not at the moment, to get in touch with the landlords and they'll send someone out to deal with them.  I'm happy with that, whilst they're not bothering us we can certainly live with them.

No sunshine this morning, it's dry and warm though, sunny intervals forecast for this afternoon.  A good weather week coming up, lots of sunshine and getting hotter as the week goes on, we'll have to get the garden parasol set up.  We'll get out in the garden this afternoon and do some more weeding and tidying, I want to pull up some of the poppies, certainly all the ones that have finished flowering - we have dozens of them now and, whilst I do love them, it's rather too many and I don't really want them throwing seeds everywhere.  K, I've got some seedheads of the big double flowered deep maroon and black ones collected, once they've turned black I'll bag them up and post them to you.

We've not had a trip out since our anniversary lunch back in May, so I think we'll go to Watchet on Wednesday, they have a street market on then so plenty of stalls by local producers and crafters to look at, there's generally a plant stall as well.  I'll pack a picnic and we'll eat it on the harbour, or maybe stop off at Blue Anchor afterwards, we do like it there.

Eat less, move more

 Husband's getting used to the side effects of his new tabs now, the nausea is wearing off.  Thank goodness.

Whilst sitting here in my bedroom with the window open typing this, I can hear the bees buzzing going in and out of the eaves, just a couple of feet away from my open window.  It'll be first on my list to mention to the housing surveyor when he comes tomorrow.  Actually, it's the only thing on my list, there's nothing else that really needs doing - unless of course the surveyor notices something.

We're going out shortly, before it gets too hot, taking Betty for a walk along a quiet side access lane not far away, it's bounded by trees and hedges and will have plenty of interesting smells for her, sniffing is definitely the best part of a walk for my Betty.  We're not just going for her benefit though, but for mine too.  For the past 2 or 3 weeks my hips and back have been really painful, more so than usual (they're almost always painful), and very stiff.  Whilst I'm fairly active at home, doing housework jobs and weeding, pruning and dead heading in the garden, I don't actually do a lot of walking, and I think that's adding to the pain and stiffness.  I used to love going for long country walks, but walking is a bit of a problem for me now, I can't walk far or fast.  I also can only really walk on level ground - the beach or fields in the countryside are pretty much out now, the unevenness really affects the bursitis in my hips.  On the rare occasions when we do go for a walk in countryside, I have to use my walking stick.

Husband suggested I go to the GP but I don't really see the point - he'll just say lose weight and move more, or try to give me more codeine tablets.  Or suggest I self refer to physio - the last time I did that, for the rotator cuff injury in my shoulder, it took so long to hear back from them (months) that my shoulder pain had more or less resolved itself by then.  In any case, gone are the days (long ago) when I used to have weekly or even twice weekly visits to the physio department at the hospital for actual treatment for my bad back - now we're just emailed exercises to do.  I'm not one for going to the doctor anyway, I've only been once (for the rotator cuff injury) in the 18 months since we've lived here.

I'll try to go out for a walk - even if just around the little village and our estate - several times a week now.  It'll mean an hour on my own too, which is always nice.  

Nausea, bees and veg

 Husband's new tablet is giving him nausea - it's one of the listed very common side effects.  I've explained that to him and said it's only temporary, it'll soon wear off, but he's moaning like mad about it.  I've given him an antihistamine tab (the pollen count is currently high, and both of us are feeling the effects of that) and said that will help to reduce the nausea, as will a couple of the ginger biscuits he's got in the cupboard.  Husband has a real aversion to feeling sick, he really hates it - a legacy from when he and his older brother 'acquired' a large bottle of strong cider when they were barely teenagers (in fact husband was only about 10 or 11), drank it between them in a field and were both very sick afterwards.  He's never touched a drop of cider since and cannot abide feeling sick.  He's taken himself back off to bed.

Sunny and warm, humid actually, this morning, with heavy rain showers and thunder forecast this afternoon and through the night, it's predicted to be a very sticky and warm night.  Hopefully Betty won't be sleeping on my bed, making me even hotter - she prefers sleeping on the floor when it's hot.  We have got a cool mat for her but she rarely lays on it - she might rest her head on it occasionally for a few minutes.  

Do you remember a couple of weeks back I mentioned we'd had a swarm of bees on our roof?  They didn't stay long, they went into a tree in a neighbouring garden and that was the last we saw of them.  Well, so we thought.  A couple of days ago, when out in the garden, husband noticed bees going in and out of the eaves on the corner of our roof, just above my bedroom.  I've since had a look a couple of times and it seems they're nesting there, around a couple of dozen bees at a time continually in and out just underneath the roof tiles.  I googled and apparently if they're bumble bees (they're not) nesting somewhere you don't really want them, it doesn't really matter because they will naturally die out at summer's end.  However, if they're honey bees, which is what I think they are, they could hibernate there and reawaken next Spring, building an even bigger nest.  It's a bit of a conundrum actually, whilst they're not causing any nuisance at the moment, I wouldn't really want a bigger nest and even more bees just outside my bedroom window (and Betty has a tendency to chase bees if they buzz around near her).  But they're honey bees, and are becoming an endangered species.  Removal of a nest (by a professional) can cause some of the bees to die, I don't really want that.  Anyway, we have a building surveyor from our Housing Association coming on Monday to do a routine check of the building, I'll mention it to him and see what he says....presumably it'll be up to him/the Housing Association to decide what, if anything, to do about them.

I've got loads more home grown veg to wash and deal with this morning - peas (I do love fresh home grown peas straight out of the pod, some of them may even make it into the saucepan!), courgettes, beetroot, carrots and radishes.  The new potatoes in bags are all now ready to harvest, we've already had one bagful.  The strawberries are now coming to an end, it's been a good harvest of them.  Our neighbours gave us a tubful of tiny but very sweet alpine strawberries, I made them into a sauce to have with ice cream for husband, Greek yogurt for me, delicious.  We gave the neighbours a bowlful of beetroot in exchange.

What's normal? This is

 Firstly, thank you all so much for the comments, it's good to know many of you understand.  I'd like to answer some of the points raised individually:-

LincolnshireExile, you mentioned me having to make allowances - yes I do, all the time.  As I've said many times, I do know that he can't help a lot of his behaviour (although he's not the same when he's talking to others, or we have guests - he makes a big effort then, he makes no effort when it's just us here).  But knowing he can't help it doesn't really change the outcome - it still hurts me, I still get frustrated, stressed, annoyed and upset, I just have to try not to show it.  And I have to choose my battles, as it were - there's no point in me getting upset over silly little things.

Bunw, you suggested asking if anyone wants a yucca plant and to come and dig it up themselves - it's not a plant, it's a tree, 15 or so feet high, with roots that most likely go underneath the patio.  We will be arranging for a professional to come and give us a quote for removing it.

Catriona said it's often quicker to do something myself - yes, quicker and easier, I do this constantly, every day pretty much.  It's often the only way to get things done, properly and when they need doing.  As for the Carers Allowance being stopped once I start getting State Pension - yes, I was pretty shocked when I was first told this by an Age UK financial advisor.  I asked what would happen if I then refused to do the caring role (I wouldn't, obviously - he is my husband after all).  She replied, perfectly seriously, that it really needs everyone who is in the same position to collectively ALL refuse to do any further caring duties - and then the Government would HAVE to do something, having more or less cynically taken advantage of family carers for decades.  

To those of you who said about living in separate, but nearby, accommodation to our spouses (and Sue who's already done it) - wouldn't that be just the perfect solution.  

Yesterday morning, husband didn't even ask me if I was feeling better, let alone make any apology.  But he did volunteer to do a couple of little jobs during the day, that's his way of saying sorry.  When he knows he's upset me, he will make an effort to help out for a couple of days - it is just a couple of days though, and then he forgets and things go back to normal.  We went to his GP appointment in the afternoon, I did remind him just before we went in that he was not to waffle on about minor stuff and just stick to the 2 main problems, one of them being the new heart failure symptom.  I did get my chance to explain it to the GP, who agreed it is a heart failure thing, and prescribed a further medication for it.  So that's now 15 meds husband has to take daily, although a couple of those are simply to counteract the side effects of some of the others.  By contrast, I take 4 daily meds, plus painkillers and a pill for nerve pain when necessary.  We spend about half an hour on Sunday mornings sorting his pills for the coming week and putting them into his dosset box - he does it and I supervise, and retrieve the ones he drops on the floor so the dog doesn't eat them!

I'm back to normal today - normal these days being just getting on with things regardless.

Demoralised

 As I said, I didn't feel at all well yesterday, back and shoulders were killing me, all other joints ached and I was totally devoid of energy.  I'd told husband this in the morning, and said I intended to rest all day.  On the rare occasions when I feel like this, husband takes it as an excuse for him to also do bugger all, for the entire day.  He does not help me at all.  Yesterday he sat in front of his computer for hours, playing chess, looking at cars and watching some of the many rubbish daytime TV shows he likes.  He got in some beetroot from the garden, after I asked him for the 3rd or 4th time in as many days - if he doesn't do something immediately I ask him, he forgets instantly and I have to ask him again later....and again, and again.  I put the beets in a saucepan to boil and simmer, and asked him to keep an eye on them, test them with a knife and drain them when cooked.  He didn't, just as well I did before the water boiled dry.  

I went outside early afternoon to get the washed dog blankets in - he was sitting in his armchair dozing in front of one of his supposedly favourite antiques programmes.  I noticed Betty frantically digging in the corner of the garden behind the patio table and chairs - she took no notice when I told her to stop and because of the table and chairs being too heavy for me to move, I couldn't get to her to shoo her off (it turned out to be a big ants nest).  So I had to go inside and ask husband for his help, which he grumbled about.  Because I haven't been able to get out in the garden for a few days, for various reasons (lack of energy being one of them), it had begun to look very untidy out there - more of the dreaded bindweed trying to strangle the plants, some of the plants (veg as well as my flowers) needed tying to supports, more peas and courgettes needed picking, and the patio and furniture were covered with loads - 3 or 4 dozen - of those dead long spiky leaves off the horrible yucca.  They don't all fall down in one go, it would have taken a few days for that many to come down, and husband had actually been sitting outside on the patio a couple of times in the past few days, clearly oblivious to them.  There were so many odd jobs that needed doing, but unless I specifically ask husband to help with jobs, he literally does nothing.  There were a couple of other jobs I'd also asked him, several times, to do, but he hadn't done them.  It's not even as if he has other things to do and therefore no time - he doesn't, he has precisely nothing else to do, except for things I ask him to.

I'm afraid I lost my temper and had a go at him, telling him that he's no help to me whatsoever, even though I'd told him I wasn't well, and wasn't he even a little bit ashamed - or aware even - that I needed help and he wasn't giving me any?  He just glared at me, muttered under his breath and stomped off outside.

He simply does not realise all that I do for him, or the fact that literally nothing gets done in our house, garden and day to day life without me planning, organising or doing it myself.  It wouldn't be so bad if he appreciated what I do, but he doesn't.  He's bought me 2 bunches of flowers recently - and there were reasons why he got them, which I haven't said about on here - and thinks that's enough.  I don't even care about the flowers, if he just said Thank you occasionally when I've done something (like setting up his blasted TV), that would be a nice thing.  Feeling so completely unappreciated and taken for granted is so demoralising.

And for those who might think "Well she's his paid carer, she's supposed to do all that" - Carers Allowance is £83.30 a week, for full time care (and that gets stopped as soon as I reach State pension age in November).  He's 74, worked hard and long hours for all his working life, and now has several health conditions.....yes he's earned the right to slow down and take things easy.  But I'm 65 with a range of health conditions myself, who cares for me?  And who will care for him if I die before him?

A 90 year old

 Yesterday it was my hips and knee causing problems, today it's my shoulders and back (just for a bit of variety).  I've washed the dog bedding this morning, I'll have to get husband to help with getting it out of the machine and onto the washing lines.  

All my joints seem to ache today actually, and I'm just soooo tired - I feel like I'm 90.  No cooking again today, I haven't got the energy, I've got a chicken and tomato pasta bake out of the freezer.  It's on days like this that I'm so grateful for batch cooking and freezing meals.  There's only one of my own batch cooked meals left in the freezer, so I'll have to get on and make some more when I've got a bit of oomph back.

Husband's been wittering on about the sound and the picture on the new TV, they're not to his liking.  I said they'll be on the default factory settings, so he needs to go into settings on the menu and choose which sound/picture thingy he wants.  Obviously I'll have to help him with it (it's like the blind leading the blind), or else listen to him going on and on about it constantly.

Tomorrow afternoon he's got a routine GP appointment to discuss the results of his latest foot x-ray.  He said this morning he's got 4 or 5 other things he wants to discuss with the GP - I've said he can't do that, we only get 10 mins for an appointment (unless we ask for a double one, which we didn't as he didn't have all these complaints at the time of making it).  So I have to prioritise which of his list of ailments is the most important - he's got one which is a new symptom and I'm pretty sure is heart-failure related, which takes precedence over the others, so that will be the one to bring up tomorrow, along with the foot x-ray results.  If he wants the other things brought up (which are relatively minor), he'll have to make another appointment.  Husband's always been the talker in the family, but has definitely got more chatty over the past couple of years - he basically never stops talking.  So, as he waffles on about anything and everything, and goes off on a tangent all the time and gets even more confusing to the unfortunate listener, I will have to try and do the talking tomorrow in the surgery, interrupting him and asking him to let me speak for him if necessary (and I'm sure it will be).

I'm going to have a restful day today, I need it.  I'd say a peaceful one but with husband in the house, it won't be!

Hoping for a better day

 Well, the new TV is up on the wall and set up - and that's all I'm saying about it.  Let's hope we don't need another one for - well, ever!

We went to the new car boot sale in the afternoon (I needed a bit of light relief) at the rugby club.  It was hardly worth our while going - and paying £1 each to get in, although at least that's going towards the coffers of the youngsters' rugby club.  There weren't many sellers there at all and the ones there seemed to be mostly mums selling kids' outgrown toys and clothes, so we didn't buy anything.  The guy taking the entrance money said they're hoping to do one regularly throughout the summer, so maybe it'll get more popular (and be advertised more widely) as time goes on.

We each had a nice dinner yesterday, and I had almost no cooking to do, which was a bonus.  Husband had chosen to have rump steak, with battered onion rings, tomato, mushrooms and a fried egg, all of which he cooked himself (I just had the job of wiping clean all the surfaces that he somehow manages to liberally splash with oil every time he cooks a meal for himself).  I had something out of the freezer - roast root veggies, cauli cheese and stuffing all left over from previous Sunday roasts and frozen, so a lovely complete meal for me which I only had to reheat in the microwave.  I didn't bother making gravy for myself, I just had cranberry sauce on the side.  Yum.

Husband's dropping me off in town again this morning, I need to go to the library and then I'll have a browse in the charity shops.  I need to do more walking, although my back is better, the back pain has been replaced with hip and knee pains.  I can't walk far or fast, but gentle strolling does help to loosen things up, and the high street is all level which helps.  Everything feels worse this morning because I had a lousy night.

We have a clock radio in the kitchen, when we switch it off we have to be careful not to slide the switch onto Alarm.  Someone (clue:  it wasn't me) did exactly that yesterday, which meant the alarm went off at midnight.  Woke me up with a start and the dog was frantic, running around and whining.  I couldn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours afterwards, and poor Betty was unnerved and restless (she does seem to be getting more anxious as she gets older).  Husband slept through it all (of course he did 🤬).  It's not the first time he's done that, and no doubt it won't be the last.

Dreading it

 Husband - well, both of us - is going to put the new TV up this morning, it's going on the wall (the old one was also wall mounted).  The new TV is bigger than the previous one, although is thinner so hopefully not heavier.  Just getting it on the wall will be problematic, with husband's balance issues and my joint problems.  Then there's his cackhandedness and general clumsiness.  And all the cables to connect up - TVs and all the media things that need to be connected to them nowadays means there seem to be loads of cables.  Husband gets confused very easily (and then gets snappy), and I'm a total dunce when it comes to the technology side.  And of course some of the cables are in inaccessible places behind husband's desk.  I just hate all this kind of thing, it does my head in.

Before anyone suggests it - no we don't have any young - or even older but more tech savvy and certainly fitter - friends nearby who would willingly come and help.

Of course, it might all go off without a hitch! 😂😂🤔🙄

Produce and roses galore

 We're now eating new potatoes (a really good yield of over a kilo from just the first bag), peas, beetroot, carrots, courgettes, lettuce and strawberries from our garden.  I'm using the shallot leaves as spring onions in salads and stir fries - the shallots themselves aren't quite ready yet but soon will be, there are between 4 and 8 bulbs growing on each plant.  We're really pleased with the harvest so far this year.  And the white rose bush outside my bedroom window continues to be spectacular, loads of multi-flowered heads, it's absolutely covered in flowers and buds.  Certainly better than last year.  I must remember to keep deadheading it.  The poppies - the ones I left in - are still going strong, with several more buds to open.  In fact pretty much everything in the garden is doing really well, gives me so much pleasure.

It rained early this morning, but had stopped by the time I got up.  After being dry all morning, it's now coming over very black, could even have a thunderstorm according to the forecast.  The temperature has dropped as well, I've just put a cardi on.  The big boot sale at Blue Anchor has been cancelled for this afternoon, unsurprisingly.  There's another one on tomorrow afternoon at the rugby club, the weather looks ok for that so we'll probably go there....I expect some of the usual Blue Anchor booters will go there instead.

Husband has ordered his TV, it's being delivered this afternoon.  He showed me his shortlist of around 6 or 8, I checked the details and reviews and gave my opinion of which one I'd choose, which he was happy to accept.  So it'll be on my head if anything goes wrong! 😂😂😏.  Fingers crossed!

I see Trump and Musk have been having a peeing up the wall contest, and there's a load of hoo-hah about Meghan Markle's video of her twerking to bring on her labour with their 2nd child - along with conspiracy theories about whether she was even pregnant at all.  I neither know nor care.  

Forgetting

 Went to Aldi this morning to do the monthly shop for the few items I always get in there - just one thing on my list that was out of stock....fortunately, not my coffees!  Husband decided he didn't want to go to Properjob after all, so insisted on coming in the shop with me.  He was trying (very hard) to be super helpful and kept going off to pick up armfuls of items he thought I needed - whether I wanted them or not! (I had a list of what was needed).  

I suspect he was trying to be so helpful as we had a bit of a confrontation yesterday.  In the evenings husband always washes up after dinner, he also washes Betty's food bowl - whoever gets up first in the mornings (usually me) clears the draining board and puts everything away.  Well, when I say puts it away....I put everything away, husband tends to just move things off the draining board and leave some of them on the worktops....most likely because he can't remember where everything goes.  Yesterday, he got up first for a change and I could hear him taking things off the drainer and putting them away - he makes so much noise, he can't seem to do anything quietly, bashing pots together and often dropping things.  For once, he'd actually put away everything.  Later on in the afternoon, he asked me what I'd done with the dog bowl - nothing as it happens, I hadn't touched or seen it all day.  We both searched around and I eventually found it.....in the cupboard with all my baking tins, where husband had obviously put it without thinking that morning.  Ok, so it was a mistake, no big deal - except it was to husband, he insisted I'd put it there and was 100% flat out adamant that he didn't, he got very verbally aggressive about it, despite me saying it didn't matter, we'd found it in the end.

I know he forgets things all the time - on a daily basis - I forget quite a few things too, we all do as we get older.  I'm sure his outburst was because at the back of his mind he was probably wondering if in fact he did mistakenly put the dog bowl in that cupboard, but he hates to admit he's in the wrong and so gets loud and nasty about it.  Later on he regrets it but can't say sorry, so instead he tries being 'helpful' to make up for it.  Whereas I'd much rather he just said sorry.  As I've said many (many!) times, I know he can't help it, but it's not fun being on the receiving end of his grumpy snappy outbursts.

We've had several letters in the past few days, advising us of things happening - 2 letters (on the same day but from different departments) from the water supplier saying they're doing some pipe repairs literally just round the corner and our supply might be affected for one day.  A building surveyor from our Housing Association coming next week to check everything in the house is working ok, that we're happy with any repairs done and to identify any further necessary works (nothing needs doing as far as we're concerned).  And an engineer coming to check the smoke alarms.  We're certainly well looked after by our landlords here, far more so than in any of our previous rented houses.

Lots of rain showers today, so no garden work or washing on the line.  Yesterday, between showers we pulled up some of the poppies in both the front and back garden, there are so many of them this year and I don't really want 100s of them self seeded everywhere.  

I've been quite busy this week so am having a restful day tomorrow.  I want to look a few things up on the internet, do a menu plan and make a few plans for things I want doing in July, mainly in the garden.  Doesn't seem possible that it'll be July next month!

Monthly big shops

 Thank you for all the comments on smart TVs.  One of the main problems is that, whilst it may well be easy to set up as they pretty much set themselves up initially, any extra 'smart' features will be wasted on us.  Husband, due to his cognitive impairment and terrible short term memory issues, will never remember how to use everything, and that will only get worse.  And since most kinds of technology instantly make my brain freeze and instructions may as well be written in Swahili for all the sense they make to me, I'll not be using them either.  So a relatively easy to use TV is a must, for both of us.  Husband sees all this new modern tech stuff on the internet or TV ads and gets swept up in all the hype, but even he admits he probably won't be able to cope with ultra-smart stuff.

He dropped me off at the supermarket this morning and then went on to the gym, leaving me a blissful hour and a bit to get on with the shopping in peace.  I was pleasantly surprised at the cost of the big shop - being able to take my time and focus on what I needed to get, and the best options regarding price meant that it was a mindful shop.  When husband is with me he's chattering away at me non-stop, interrupting my thought process and focus, and is forever chucking things in the trolley, thinking he's 'helping'.  Which it isn't, it's just distracting, and annoying when it's something I don't want or need because we already have them at home.

We're going to Aldi in Taunton tomorrow for the monthly shop there, to get the things I like from there - my favourite frothy coffees, long life barista style oat milk (cheaper than the local supermarkets), toiletries and washing capsules.  Husband wants a few things in Properjob, which is near Aldi, so again I'll have time to myself to do the shop.  He'll want to come in and browse the middle aisles, of course, but hopefully I'll have finished the shopping by then.

Funny old weather today, sunshine then chucking it down briefly, then back to sunshine again.

We've not heard the noises in the loft space since the two times it happened last week, so hopefully whatever it was has left for pastures new.  Or died!  Preferably not in our loft though....

I've decided we'll definitely have someone in to cut down and take away the horrible yucca, it's just not worth the risk or hassle (or possible injuries!) to do it ourselves.  There's a local guy who does all sorts of gardening jobs, he's well known and very well respected in the area so I'll probably ask him to come and have a look and give us a quote.

We're not smart enough for a super-duper smart TV!

 It was raining when I got up, then it stopped an hour or so later.  We took the opportunity to nip to the supermarket, as we're almost out of milk and eggs (bad planning on my part, it's our normal monthly shopping day tomorrow and I clearly didn't get enough of either the last time).  It wasn't raining on the way there, the sun even came out very briefly, but when we came out of the shop it was absolutely chucking it down - and I was wearing a thin summer cardi and sandals.  Oh well, getting rained on doesn't kill you.....ironically, now we're home it's stopped raining.  Husband's latest joke with the checkout girl - "Do I get a discount for cash?" (the bill came to just over £5).  Men all think they're hilarious 😒

Husband was showing me a TV on the computer yesterday, our TV is on the way out, the picture has some cloudy bits on it and the volume is very erratic.  He gets 2 lots of state pension next month, as it's paid every 4 weeks rather than calendar monthly, meaning he gets 13 payments annually - so an extra month, if you like (the same applies to his Attendance Allowance and my Carers).  We use our extra payments for whatever we like, husband's agreed to split his extra pension next month between us.  He's buying the new TV - his choice, I'm really not bothered about what type he gets.  However, the TV he was showing me is an ultra-modern one with all the bells and whistles and features I've not even heard of - nor had he, he confessed.  All well and good.....but.....I know modern TVs more or less set themselves up, but I don't really see the point of buying some super-clever thing with features we don't understand and most likely won't even use - he'll just get frustrated when he can't work out how to use things, and I'll be no help as I haven't a clue.  So I'll try and guide him to get a less-smart one, for both our sakes!

With my half of the money I'm going to buy some more things for the garden - everything needed for the new rockery - we don't need rocks, we have enough in the garden already, but will need top soil and grit or sharp sand, and plants of course.  I also need some plants to go in the now-empty bluebell bed.  I shall also be buying some new bedding for both our beds, and a new mattress for Betty's bed in the lounge.  I might also pay for someone to come and cut down/take away the horrible yucca tree, it'll be safer and easier than attempting to do it ourselves.  Husband reckons he can do it, but the very thought disturbs me - I don't want him falling off the stepladder or cutting his arm off with the saw 😱, neither of which would surprise me in the least.

We had our first young carrots and a handful of fresh peas from our garden yesterday, along with a yellow courgette - so lovely, fresh and full of flavour.  I mashed some of our strawberries to have as a sauce with half of the little plain sponge I'd made yesterday and used up the last bit of cream - it was yummy.  Our strawberries this year are so big and sweet and juicy.

New jokes required

 Marlene, great idea about freezing the poppy seeds in ice cubes so they'll germinate better and can throw the cubes in places where you want the flowers to come, I'll try that, thanks.  And Sue - I reckon your husband and mine are secret 'brothers from another mother' 😂.  My husband is definitely an embarrassment in public.....although after 42 years it's more exasperation or resignation than embarrassment, I've heard ALL of his jokes 100s of times!  Think he needs some new ones!

He's decided not to go to the gym this morning, as he wants to crack on with lots of small jobs in the garden - whilst he's enthusiastic about it I'm encouraging that.  We both want to get things done outside as it's a lovely day today, before the forecast heavy rain tomorrow morning, and then showers on and off for the rest of the week.

I've prepped the veggies for dinner later, grated a block of cheese and made a small (1 egg) sponge cake for a couple of days' puddings - I'll mash some strawberries, which are coming thick and fast now, to top the sponge with a splash of cream.

Just having my 2nd coffee now, then will get in the garden.  We didn't actually get much done yesterday, I had an absolutely banging sinus headache which hammered even more each time I bent down to pull up a weed or prune something, and husband said his back was jolting him.  Fortunately, we both feel much better today.

Rampant garden growth and causing chaos

 First official day of summer!  Sunny but still windy today, with the possibility of a few showers later.  Tomorrow is forecast to be sunny all day, but things go downhill somewhat from Tuesday onwards - quite a bit cooler with some heavy showers for the rest of the week, albeit with some sunshine in between.  Well, the gardens will enjoy the rains and it means much less watering, of course.  

This morning we're out in the garden - everything is growing so rapidly now, including the weeds, things that have finished flowering need cutting back, and veggies tied in to canes.  We have loads of poppies in the garden, back and front, we didn't put them there, they were already here - this year they're exploding everywhere, really prolific.  I don't mind, I like them - they're all double flowered ones and are really pretty - but they are getting a bit out of hand and overpowering the other flowers.  I don't want them taking over everything and especially not shooting their seeds everywhere, my neighbour thinks they're a blimmin nuisance, she regards them as weeds.  So as not to upset her, we'll cut most of them down as soon as they finish flowering, before the seed heads appear.

Isn't it beautiful?

And this rose is smothered in flowers and buds.

We got some bedding dahlias yesterday, lovely big healthy mixed colour plants with loads of buds, so they'll be put in this morning.  My hips and knee aren't too bad now but my back is still a bit sore and stiff, so I'll be using the garden kneeler/stool and working in short bursts, with husband's help.  A couple of my flowering plants need moving, they're growing too close to other things, we're cutting all the bluebells back today and even pulling some of the bulbs out, they're too crowded, there's 100s of them and some came up blind.  They're Spanish bluebells unfortunately, not our native British ones - although I do like them regardless - and were planted by the previous tenant years ago, there's just too many of them now.

In the garden centre yesterday, husband sat down on a pile of compost bags whilst I was looking at plants....when he got up he had very visible wet patches on the back of his pale grey shorts, he hadn't thought to check the bags for dampness before he sat down.  Inside the shop, he stood looking at a display stand and put his basket, containing my bedding dahlias, down on the floor behind him, oblivious to the fact that he was completely blocking the aisle and there were 2 or 3 people with trollies of plants waiting to get past him (to be fair, they could have politely asked him to move!).  I had to shout his name and wave at him to get his attention (I was several yards away).  At the till he totally confused the young Saturday checkout girl by asking, with a completely straight face, if they accepted Tesco club cards to get extra points.....he was joking of course, as he always does with any checkout staff in any shop, but she clearly didn't understand and stared at him as if he was an alien.  And when putting the plants in the car, he accidentally (clumsily) knocked them on something and decapitated a few of the buds.  Honestly, can't take him anywhere without causing chaos 😒😂