Unusual but not cancer!

 First thing to say is that all the staff (all female) in the breast clinic were wonderful, I wasn't kept waiting for more than a couple of minutes at each stage (didn't even have time to get out the book I'd taken), lots of smiles, solicitous care and reassurance.  

I saw a specialist breast nurse first, she explained that there was a small area of 'unusualness' (her word) in the tissue of my right breast, which needed further exploration.  Then I had another mammogram, which they said was specifically to compare to the previous one taken about 3 weeks ago, to see if there was anything different between the two (there wasn't).  After a few minutes of waiting, I was then taken to another room for an ultrasound scan, which was conducted by the consultant radiologist, she then physically examined my boobs.

She said the area of 'unusual' tissue was quite small and nothing sinister - she said it appeared to be overlapping breast tissue.  Not cancerous and not really of any significance, as far as she was concerned.  Unless I have any worries or notice anything different, I'll get a normal recall for another mammogram in 3 years.  Phew!  She did say if I had any concerns at all, to speak to my GP who would arrange another urgent referral.  Weight off my mind.  Thank you for all the good wishes 🤗

Husband has just left to go to his dentist, after chivvying up from me as he was sitting in his dressing gown watching TV, showing no signs of getting dressed.  He has no sense of urgency or time and does everything at a snail's pace.  At least he won't be doing much talking for a few hours after having his tooth out 😉.

I must process a load of apples today, even if just lightly cooking and freezing them.

What next?

 Husband has had toothache for a couple of days, it's one of his lower front teeth and is very loose, he's got a routine dental appointment in 3 weeks so said he'd wait for that.  However, yesterday I caught him trying to pull the tooth out himself, using a pair of kitchen scissors!  I suppose I should be thankful he wasn't using a pair of his dirty rusty pliers - he never cleans his tools.  I knew he was up to something when I realised he'd gone in his bedroom and shut the door, without saying anything - when he's doing something dodgy or downright foolish or something he knows I wouldn't approve of, he sneaks off and does it behind my back.  (And yes, he's like a child in that respect).  So I knocked on his door and asked what he was doing - when he didn't answer immediately I opened the door and caught him out.  The man is on blood thinners for goodness sake, he bleeds like a stuck pig!  Not to mention the complete idiocy of using a pair of scissors in his mouth.  I stopped him from doing it, which meant he got angry and spiteful - which has no effect on me anymore, it's water off a duck's back.

I told him if it was causing him that much pain, the most sensible thing was to ring 111, which we did, a dental nurse rang back about 15 mins later, I spoke to her.  However, she had a very strong foreign accent and communication was a bit difficult, although she was very nice and didn't mind repeating things that I couldn't understand at first.  She said that unfortunately there was nothing she could do to get him an emergency appointment yesterday (it being Sunday), just gave advice about eating on the other side of his mouth (bit difficult when the tooth is right at the front), taking painkillers at recommended intervals, and rinsing his mouth with warm salty water.  She also said to ring his own dentist as soon as they open this morning, to try and get an emergency appointment.

This is what I'm up against all the time - he is completely unpredictable and does ridiculous things without ever consulting me.  I need eyes in the back of my head and feel like I'm on constant watch.  It's so bloody exhausting.  I just cannot trust him, which is an awful thing to say about your husband.

He's asked if I want him to stay with me for the appointment this afternoon - No, definitely not thanks.  I'd rather face it on my own.

Respite is not an option

 Some of you have asked about caring or respite for husband, to allow me to have a break.  Husband is not unwell enough for either outside carers or respite, and we couldn't afford private.  Physically he's not incapable - he can wash and dress himself, although his clothes choice is a bit unconventional sometimes, but that's more to do with the fact that he's never been interested in clothes, he simply doesn't care whether colours/styles go together.  He can do very basic cooking and is certainly able to get himself simple meals....although if making himself a sandwich, e.g., he will open the fridge numerous times to get out all the fixings, one item at a time, he's incapable of remembering them all at once.  He can also walk the dog, albeit short distances, but as she's getting old she doesn't want or need longer walks anyway.  He can do basic housework, e.g. washing up (he never does it all in one go though as he never looks around the kitchen to check if there's anything else, he only does what's right beside the sink), hoovering (although limited to the middle of the room!), sweeping the kitchen floor and emptying the bins - if I remind him.  It's the cognitive stuff he needs help with, mainly because of his terrible memory - he cannot remember how to use the Ninja or washing machine, forgets appointments (doesn't think to check the calendar), doesn't remember how to read texts on his phone, forgets what day of the week it is, never mind the date.  Needs reminding to take his meds.  Forgets which cupboard food and crockery is in and has to either ask me or open every cupboard until he finds what he wants.  Gets confused easily and has difficulty following instructions.  He's also very clumsy and drops/knocks things over literally every day, is unsteady on his feet and stumbles all the time.  So a break on my own isn't an option, other than a few hours going on the free shoppers bus.  But it is what it is, I can't change things so I just get on with it.

Obviously the breast appointment tomorrow is on my mind, so I'm keeping busy today, lots of small jobs to do along with some cooking, so plenty to keep me occupied.

Brother and SiL are coming here on Friday for the day, they want to take us out to lunch, looking forward to seeing them, it's been a long time since we saw them last, they lead very busy lives.  They've just come back from their 4-week tour of Scotland, which they absolutely loved, so I guess we'll be seeing lots of photos.

My phone is showing increasing signs of wearing out, so I'll have to save for a new one - it's already had a couple of new batteries as I've had it a few years.  For years and years I've always had Motorola phones, they're not expensive, have all the features I want and need and I know how to work them!

Lovely weather today and forecast for pretty much all week.  Good washing and getting the garden winter ready weather.

It was unrealistic

 With regard to the holiday, I needed a break but, frankly, the only way I'd get one is if I went by myself.  It was unrealistic to expect things to be any different to what they are here at home - the only difference was the location.

Anyway, I'm glad to be home.  I want to focus on healthy eating full of veggies - something to keep my mind occupied prior to my breast clinic appointment on Monday.  Husband picked 3 massive aubergines and 2 huge orange peppers from the garden yesterday, with loads more to come.  He also brought in the last of the tomatoes.  We have plenty of home grown shallots and leeks, and tubs full of roasted courgettes, carrots and tomatoes in the freezer, so plenty of scope there.  So we can have stuffed peppers - I like them filled with a mixture of rice, chopped mushrooms, shallots and cheese.  With the aubergines I'll make parmigiana and Baba ganoush.  Ratatouille as well.  As the weather has turned quite chilly (my washing didn't even dry properly on the line yesterday), I'll be making vegetable soups for lunches, with homemade wholemeal seeded bread.  I've found my cooking mojo again.

Lots of apples to process too, for breakfast or dessert simply stewed with greek yogurt, or made into crumble for husband to have with custard.

No more

 The holiday wasn't a great success, after a hopeful start things rapidly went downhill, it was basically the same old, same old stuff, just in a different location.  I'm tired, run down and glad to be home (we actually came home this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning).  I doubt very much we'll be going on any kind of holiday again, it's too stressful and too much like hard work, before, during and after.

At least the lodge and park were lovely (despite husband's complaints), as was the weather, and we had a couple of drives out.

One thing that did surprise us was how much the cost of car parking has shot up since we last holidayed in that area, extortionate in some seafront car parks.  And everywhere was far busier than we were expecting, even the holiday park was almost full.

Relaxing

 The lodge is gorgeous, we could happily live in it, complete with all the furniture.  It's certainly spacious, bigger than our bungalow, and situated in a quiet position at the back of the park.  Husband however has a list of things he's complaining about (all things which are irrelevant or so minor as to be insignificant), I'm steadfastly ignoring him, I'm not having my mood dragged down this week.

Betty had trouble settling yesterday, she clearly didn't understand why we're in a strange place.  She did settle eventually and seemed to sleep well in my room on her new bed, which we had to go out and buy as we forgot to bring hers from home.  Which husband blamed me for, until I put him right by pointing out that I had dozens of things to organise and do to prepare for the holiday, whereas all he did was put fuel in the car 🙄.  

No firm plans for today, we're just going for a meander around Braunton and most likely a walk on the beach.  It's lovely and sunny.

No more boob talk

 Right, we'll have no more breast talk this week!  I'm not taking my laptop on hols, so I'm not tempted to Google....I can of course use my phone for that, but tend not to do any in-depth googling on it.  I'll probably be posting whilst away, providing there's a good signal, although maybe not every day.

Thank you again for comments, they're such a help.  To the Anon commenter yesterday - thanks for the info re carers, that's good to know.  Incidentally, I understand why you wish to remain anonymous but you don't have to give your real name on a comment - any name of your choice will do, as long as you're consistent with it so I know you're a regular reader.

I'm mostly packed, except for fresh food and medications, and need to check husband's bits and bobs.  Good job I checked the clothes he'd got out to take before I packed them - some additions and substitutions were needed 🙄.  

Husband has now announced he doesn't want to give up driving next summer, having previously been on board with it.  Whether he'll change his mind again remains to be seen, I might have a chat to him about it whilst we're away.  It does hinge on how he is next year - if his heart or cognitive function has deteriorated further then he may not have a choice in the matter.

A bit vulnerable

 I think I've got a cold sore coming - I rarely get cold sores and when I do nowadays they're nothing like as bad as they perhaps were in the past.  I guess it's a reflection of my current state of mind - cold sores for me were always a manifestation of stress, and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now as well as stressed.

Years ago, a family friend died of breast cancer, but that was around 40 years ago - cancer treatments have come on in leaps and bounds since then and breast cancer is no longer an automatic death sentence, although some women do still die from it of course.  Many more survive though - I can think of several famous women who have had breast cancer in the recent past and are looking fit and well - Kylie Minogue, Julia Bradbury, Anastacia, Amy Dowden and Jessie J immediately spring to mind.

The thought of possibly having breast cancer (and I know I'm really jumping the gun here, it may yet turn out to be nothing) in itself doesn't terrify me, nor even maybe having to have a mastectomy.  That might seem odd to not worry about that, but as far as I'm concerned having big boobs has always been a pain in the neck - quite literally, and shoulders and back, not to mention the difficulty of finding a comfortable bra that doesn't look like you're trussed up in a kind of straitjacket.  And then there's the sweaty soreness underneath the boobs in hot weather.  I was I think the first girl in my class at school to start wearing a bra, and over the years since then I've had plenty of unwanted attention, leers and some downright obnoxious comments from rude men.  So losing my boobs would be something of a relief in my book!

What concerns me more is that, if the worst happens and it does turn out to be breast cancer, I'm worried about how I'll cope with everything I currently do, being my husband's carer, whilst probably feeling very unwell myself if I have to have an operation followed by chemo or radiotherapy.  We don't have any family or friends nearby who would step in and help.  And, shallow as this may sound, I'm also worried about losing my hair - our hair as women is a major part of who we are.  My hair is already thinning due to age, medications and genetics - my Mum's hair went very thin in old age.

Oh well, enough of that.  I've got plenty to do today to keep me occupied.  The church bells are ringing as they do every Sunday morning, I love listening to them.  And tomorrow we're going on holiday!

Thank you all for the lovely comments recently.  Oh, and a quick reminder that I do not publish anonymous comments - be they rude or nice.  If you don't have a Blogger account or come up as Anonymous for some technical reason, please put a name at the end of your comment.  Thank you.

Occupying my mind with other things

 Surprisingly, considering the boob letter yesterday, I actually slept pretty well last night, although the boob thing was literally the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning, and has been ever since.  I know several of you have said just try to put it out of your mind and enjoy the holiday - yes I know that's the sensible thing to do.  However, I'm a worrier by nature, always have been, and it's impossible for me to try not to worry about something.  Husband has put it out of his mind already, but that's him all over, he breezes through life without a care in the world, even more so now with his cognitive problems.  He's doing my head in this morning, chattering away about anything and everything, I wish his mouth had a zip!  Also, problem relative has chosen now to be a pain, after weeks of relative calm - he's been sending numerous messages wittering on about a broken fence panel in his garden.  A repair or replacement is in hand and will be dealt with very soon, but that's not good enough for him, he seems to think it perfectly reasonable to expect someone to come and do it today or tomorrow - it's the weekend for goodness sake, it's not likely!  I had suggested a temporary solution to him yesterday, putting a couple of large pots, of which he's got several in his garden, in front of the broken panel to prevent next door's dog from getting into his garden.  Nope, apparently that's beyond him, he's too worried to go in his garden (he has agoraphobia).  But he's also worried about the dog coming into his garden - well putting a couple of pots in front of the panel would solve that and be a less than 5 minute job.  I'm disengaging from him now for the rest of the day.

There's no history of breast cancer in my family, but there are other types of cancer - e.g. both my Mum and my sister had kidney cancer, I've had scans and been told there are small cysts in both my kidneys but they're not of any significance at the moment.  Well, they weren't when I had the scans, a couple of years back.  I'm sure most, if not all, of us have some sort of cancer histories in our families.

The weather next week for North Devon looks wonderful, sunny with little or no chance of rain, light winds and temperatures of 17 or 18 - just right.  I'm looking forward to spending time on the beach - beaches in that area are huge and sandy, plenty of space and no crowds at this time of year.

I think I'll pack the clothes now, that'll keep me occupied for a while.  Husband is indulging in his favourite occupation, flicking through the TV channels and providing a running commentary on everything (business as usual then!).

Well that's a (potential) worry

 Having said in the earlier post that I'm not worrying about anything other than the usual worries, the postman has been and delivered a letter recalling me for further tests following my mammogram.  The tests will be at the breast care centre in the big general hospital, and the appointment given was for next Thursday, whilst we're away.  Well, I'm not coming back from our first holiday in years (other than our old caravan) just for some more tests, so I've changed the appointment to the Monday after we come back.  I know it may well turn out to be nothing anyway, the letter says that 4 in 100 women are recalled, and out of those most won't have cancer.  If it is cancer, well a few extra days before more tests isn't going to make that much difference.

I'm not going to spoil my holiday by spending the week worrying about it......(she says optimistically 😂).  What will be, will be.

Yuck coffee but a solution to the problem

 After my great sleep Wednesday night, I had a terrible night last night - lamp on and reading for over an hour after midnight when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  Having eventually dropped off, I then woke up again just after 4 am, couldn't drop off again so got up.  At least I had a couple of quiet hours sitting in my armchair reading the papers on my laptop and drinking coffee, before husband got up.  I'm not worried or stressed about anything right now - well, no more than usual! - so I've no idea why I'm having several bad nights.  Just one of those things, obviously just a bad sleep cycle, it'll blow over soon I'm sure.

On the subject of coffee, you may remember I said that Aldi have changed the formula of their frothy coffees that up till now have been my favourite.  I tried one of the new formula ones yesterday - well, all I can say is YUCK!  It's now got less coffee in it, so much so that there's practically no coffee taste at all.  Less powdered milk so it doesn't get as frothy, and very sweet - both sugar and sweeteners added, probably to disguise the lack of coffee!  It's also got a nasty chemically sort of aftertaste.  Unfortunately, I bought about 6 boxes of them - however, I've still also got 6 or 7 boxes of the original formula nice ones.  So I've torn open several packets of each formula and mixed them in a plastic lidded box - I've also added several teaspoons of ordinary freeze dried coffee that husband drinks - I'm determined not to waste them, disgusting though they are.  I've just had a cup of the mixed coffee and it's much nicer than the new version on its own, although there's still a slight chemical taste.  How blimmin annoying.  I think once I've used up the last of the original formula ones, I might go back to the Nescafe ones - I've tried pretty much all of the instant frothy lattes and cappuccinos from all the supermarkets and the Nescafe ones in my opinion are closest in taste to the original Aldi ones.  The only fly in the ointment is that they're about twice the price - although various supermarkets do have them on special offer occasionally, so I'll just have to keep an eye out and buy them when they're on offer.  The website Trolley.co.uk is a good tool for comparing prices.

A parcel arrived yesterday from my sister, honey & oat biscuits in a lovely tin (which I'll keep - the tin I mean, we'll eat the biscuits!), and a pack of 10 individual portions of mixed salted nuts:-

She said they're for us to take on holiday as an extra little treat.  How lovely of her, she's the best sister ever 😍

I baked the loaf, which will also be taken with us, yesterday - it was meant to be a wholemeal seeded loaf.....unfortunately I forgot to put the seeds in!  😒  Never mind, it'll still taste good I'm sure.  The kitchen smelt wonderful yesterday, I think the aroma of bread baking must be top of my list of lovely smells.  Actually, I've got time today, I might make another bread dough - with the seeds in this time - and leave it in the fridge overnight for a long slow prove, gives the bread a much better taste than a quick prove.  I might make some apple scones too, we've got plenty of, admittedly small, apples off the tree in the front garden and there's an open pot of Greek yogurt which needs using up.  I always use yogurt instead of milk in my scones, seems to make them lighter.

Bright eyed and bushy tailed

 All 3 of us slept pretty well last night, including Betty - she's a very restless sleeper and moves about a lot whilst asleep, which wakes me up if she's on my bed, she also has lots of woofy dreams where her legs are moving as if she's chasing a rabbit in her sleep.  She also jumps on and off my bed to get in her own bed in my room, or in her other bed in the lounge (lucky her, having 3 beds to choose from) frequently during the night.  Well, as far as I'm aware, she stayed sleeping in her own bed in my bedroom all of last night.  So we're all bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning.

I've not got much left to do now, I'm pretty much up to date with housework, I've washed all the dog blankets and towels which will be going out on the line in a minute, there's one more wash of our dark clothes to do tomorrow morning.  I'll pack our clothes, Betty's things (treats, toys, food bowls and towels/blankets) and the dry food on Sunday, the fresh and frozen food will be packed Monday morning and the car loaded.  That's it really, apart from cleaning the bathroom on Saturday.  I'll get husband to harvest any remaining veggies (well, ones which are ready) over the weekend, and he'll probably need to do a tip run.  I've got a loaf of seeded wholemeal bread to shape and bake, it's had an overnight prove in the fridge so is now on the worktop coming to room temperature before baking.

Mustn't forget to pack books (as if!) and some crochet!  I might write husband a check list of things he needs to take, like his wallet, phone, glasses etc, so he can tick them off.  If I don't, he will forget them, and giving him a check list means I don't have to remind him on the day.

Space needed

 Yesterday afternoon, following the car debacle, husband was 100% fixated on it, talking at me all the time - the garage had quoted him a price for supplying and fitting the coil spring and then re-MOTing the car, husband, after much googling, was convinced he could get it done cheaper.  I pointed out that it was too short notice and he should just stick with the local garage, who have a very good reputation and even husband admits he likes them.  By evening, I was totally emotionally shattered and needed quiet time - even though I told husband I was going into my bedroom to wind down and read, he still came in several times to tell me things related to the car.  There's just no stopping him when he's like that.

As I said, we were originally going to have this break in a static caravan, but the thought of being in a small confined space with husband if he was in full-on obsessive talking mode was, frankly, intolerable.  Hence why I changed my mind and went for the (more expensive) lodge.  The reviews from people who have stayed in one of the lodges are all 5*, everyone comments on the spaciousness, as well as the cleanliness and quality of the equipment and furnishings.  According to the size dimensions and photos, I would say it's probably bigger than our bungalow, so plenty of scope for personal space and quiet privacy.  Although it's a relatively small park, there are footpaths through fields around the park, so I could always go out for a walk too.

Mrs LH, yes I agree, Barnstaple is lovely, we like the pannier market and the walks along the river.  We've been on holiday to the North Devon and Cornwall areas many, many times over the years so are quite familiar with the area and have previously stayed in Saunton, Braunton, Woolacombe, Westward Ho! and Croyde Bay.

Husband has just had a phone call from the garage to say the car is now finished and ready for collection, so he's just gone off to get it (they gave him a courtesy car, another reason to stick with them rather than trying to find another garage at very short notice).

Very windy again today and through last night, things blowing around in the garden (couple of pots, some canes and garden kneeler) kept waking me up.  Consequently, I won't be doing much today, other than going to do a small top up shop and writing a little list of things I must remember for next week.  Oh, it's next week we're going, by the way.

Booked

 The car is costing a bit more than we were expecting to repair, but the garage can do it tomorrow morning.  Having shuffled our finances around a bit, I've worked out that we can afford the holiday -  although we won't have a lot of spending money.....not that that matters, it's being away that counts.  So I've now booked and paid for it.  At least I've already cooked and frozen most of the food to take with us.

We're going to a small and quiet (no clubhouse or swimming pool) holiday park near Barnstaple.  Originally, we were going to have a static caravan but, seeing as this will probably be one of the last (if not the last) holiday we'll have before getting rid of the car next year, I decided to upgrade to a luxury lodge.  Yes more expensive, but from the photos it looks gorgeous, very spacious and well equipped, with dishwasher and coffee machine, basic kitchen supplies (oil, seasonings, coffee pods, washing up liquid and dishwasher tablets etc), toiletries in both bathrooms, and even towels, bathrobes and slippers....all things I don't have to pack and take with us.  Plus a 49" tv in the lounge and one in the master bedroom, so that'll keep husband happy.

I really need this break - well, we both do.

Husband has now said that he thought there might be a problem with the coil spring on one side - not that he said anything to me, and having previously told me just a couple of days ago that there was nothing wrong with the car and he didn't have any concerns about it.  Which has p****d me off a bit, but no point in saying anything to him, what's done is done.  Just another example of him not telling me things.  But if he'd told me of his concerns, at least I'd have been forewarned.  Actually, if he'd told me some weeks ago when he first had the thought, I'd have suggested he take the car to get checked out and fixed if necessary, before it failed the MOT!!  Honestly, it's no wonder I'm permanently stressed.

*/$$*%£££***

 Husband's just rung me from the garage to say the car has failed the MOT 😭😭 - a broken coil spring (whatever that is).  So the holiday is now in doubt - depends how much the work is going to cost, and when they can do it.  Bugger it.  I just had a feeling this was going to happen.

Rent-a-mobs, so tempted and films

 I've done washing this morning but not put it out on the line - we've already had a couple of showers and more are forecast all day, although it's sunshine at the moment.  I don't want to spend all day running out to get the washing in when it clouds over, only to put it back out 10 minutes later.  So it's on the airer in the sunny hallway.  

We just nipped into town to get a couple of things I'd missed off my top-up shopping list the other day - there are Union and St. George's flags flying on lampposts along the main road which were put up yesterday evening, apparently there were lots of small flags stuck in the ground of the roundabout, but these have been removed overnight or early this morning.  Apparently, according to local social media, there's going to be a 'peaceful' demonstration in the town at noon, people demonstrating about immigrants.   These so-called peaceful demos quite often seem to turn out to be anything but - especially since this one is being held right outside one of the big pubs, so some of the protesters will no doubt be alcohol fuelled.  I'm not going to turn all political here, I consider myself to be patriotic and a royalist and love this, my home country, but it just seems to me like people are being fired up by the racist 'rent a mob' groups and following along like sheep.  I agree that something firmer needs to be done about all these people coming over in small boats (and charged loads of money by unscrupulous gang leaders who really don't care whether these immigrants live or die) - we are only a small island after all and there are so many of our own people here who don't have adequate housing or enough food.  But these demos seem to be promoted by racists who just want to stir up hatred and have a go at the police.  I'm not getting involved.  End of sermon!

Over the last few days I've been quite tempted to just go ahead and book this holiday, but I've held off because, daft as it may sound, I don't want to tempt fate with the car.  Husband assures me he's got no worries about the car, it's running fine and doesn't appear to have anything wrong with it, but what do we know, we're not mechanics.  If it does fail and needs a lot of work doing, then obviously that has to be paid for and the garage need to have slots available to fit the car in to do the work.  So I'm waiting until after the MOT - it's first thing Tues morning so not long to wait.  I've done all I need to do to prepare for the holiday - other than packing, I won't do that until it's actually booked.  If we can't go - actually no I'm not going to say that, I'm not thinking negative thoughts!

I didn't sleep very well again last night, things obviously preying on my mind subconsciously, so I'm having a relaxing day and might even have a snooze this afternoon.  I see there's nothing of much interest on TV again tonight (roll on Strictly!  Although they're really scraping the barrel now with the so-called celebrities, half of whom I've not heard of)....I'm not a fan of silly game shows, ideally I like to watch a good film on a Saturday night.  The films on are mostly ones that have been on umpteen times before.....also, the trouble is that husband and I have very different tastes in films.  He likes ridiculous superhero or very violent action movies with loads of noise and people being blown up or torn to pieces by an alien, whereas I like a drama with a good strong storyline.  Or a musical!  So we'll probably have to trawl through all the iplayer or film channels, with either him or me saying No to everything that the other suggests 😂😒

A fine line

 Thank you all for comments on the last post.  Husband doesn't have full-on dementia (yet!), but his cognitive impairment has certainly got worse over the past few months.  I walk a very fine line between curbing his worst excesses, and emasculating him completely.  He is still fairly self aware and does know what's happening to him, but chooses not to dwell on it - in fact he hardly mentions it, other than ruefully admitting his memory is terrible.

It's difficult, very difficult sometimes, to try and get him to do something, and especially to stop him doing something, without treating him like a child - which he understandably gets annoyed about.  Trying to reason with him to get him to do, or stop doing, things is very problematical at times, he flies off the handle very quickly nowadays (something he never did before) and can be extremely stubborn, I'm walking on tenterhooks sometimes.

Having said all that, he hasn't actually spent any money for over a week now, so I think his recent obsession with ebay has come to an end for the moment, no doubt it'll start back up at some point.  His current fixation is fiddling with the shower - again - every time I get in it he's altered the controls and I have to put them back to where they were.  I've not said anything, it's only a minor irritation and he'll soon get over it.

Today I'm making a chicken and mushroom pie and a couple of cheese & onion pasties, both to be frozen to take with us if we do manage to have the holiday.  And that'll be all the food prepped and frozen.  All I'll need to do next week in the way of cooking for the hol is to make some dog food to also be frozen.  Betty's favourite homemade food is minced beef, carrot and sweet potato, I add in a couple of crumbled weetabix, an egg and a spoonful of low salt yeast extract melted in a little hot water, she wolfs it down.

Getting washing out will be a bit hit and miss for the next few days, showers are forecast pretty much every day, so the washing will probably have to go on the airer in the car port.  At the moment it's bright sunshine but is also raining, so I expect there's a rainbow nearby.

Another serious talk needed

 I'm itching to book this holiday, a Mon-Fri short break, but it would be foolish to do it right now before the car is MOT'd, in case it does fail and requires work.  The car's sailed through 2 previous MOTs with not even an advisory since we've had it, it's running fine and doesn't seem to have any problems and we've only done 4000 miles in the last year, so there's no reason really why it shouldn't pass again.  But....it's a year older and is a fairly old car anyway, so it's not guaranteed to pass.

Husband pays for all things car related out of his own bank account, into which goes his Attendance Allowance and 3 small private pensions.  However, just recently he has ordered and paid for several bits and pieces, not car related, he just loves ebay 😒.  If the car does fail and needs work, depending on what it is he may not have enough money to pay for the repairs, meaning I'll have to help him out.  Most of the stuff he's bought recently (all without my knowledge or input) is, frankly, unnecessary and a waste of money.  He only ever buys cheap stuff (he's such a cheapskate), but all these purchases add up.  I have been telling him for a few weeks that he needs to make sure he keeps enough money in his account to pay for any unexpected car repairs, but so far it's been in one ear and out the other.  It's one of his fixations - he scours ebay, sees something and thinks right I'll have that, and I only know about it when I get the email after he's ordered whatever it is - the ebay account is in my name hence why I get the emails.  He almost never discusses things with me, his mindset is that he's an adult and allowed to do things by himself.  Which of course he is, but if he discussed it with me first I could possibly save him wasting his money on unnecessary crap.  I think I'm going to have to have another serious talk with him, he can't keep doing this.   The alternative would be to close the ebay account - I never order anything off there - but I don't really want to do that unless it became absolutely necessary.  I could threaten him with it though, if he refuses to listen to me!

Meanwhile, I've batch cooked several things to take with us, if we do manage to get away.  I shall plan for us to have fish and chips one day, but other than that, we won't need to buy any food as I've prepped and frozen it all in advance.  Of course, we'll hopefully have coffee and cake out a couple of times - can't go on holiday without a few treats!

We've got rain - well, showers - wind and colder temperatures forecast for the next week, which is a bit depressing but I'm not complaining after such a glorious summer.  I've actually got a fleece jumper on today, for the first time in months and months.  

Tentative plans

 All quiet here the last couple of days - well, reasonably.  That's not to say husband hasn't been as talkative, clumsy and noisy as ever - he has, but I think I'm getting better at ignoring it all and walking away.  I've laid down a couple of ground rules too - e.g. I go to bed earlier than him, simply because by evening I need some quiet downtime, so I relax in bed reading, until I doze off and drop the book, waking me up enough to switch the lamp off and settle down.  Husband has been in the habit of coming into my room after I've gone to bed, chattering away - I've now said that unless it's something urgent he really needs to tell me, I'm not to be disturbed.  He's agreed, but I'm sure I'll have to remind him sometimes, as he's bound to forget.  I've also said there's no need for him to get up the same time as me in the mornings - I'm usually up by 6.30, simply because that's the time I've nearly always got up, my entire adult life - I don't set the alarm, I just naturally wake up then.  I like a bit of peace and quiet in the mornings, to have a slow start, drink my coffee, check the weather and news apps on my phone and think about what I've got to do that day.  When husband gets up, the TV goes on straight away and he's in full on talking mode immediately.  So I've suggested he has a lie in a few times a week, he says that's fine - he agrees he doesn't need an early start except on his gym days, 3x a week.

We did think about having a holiday a while back, but it got put on hold for one reason or another.  Well, now I've decided I would really like one, so would husband.  I've found a couple of places in Devon only just over an hour's drive away, so not too taxing for husband.  They both have late availability, but I'm not going to book either one just yet - it really depends on whether the car passes the MOT early next week.  If it does, all well and good, I'll go ahead and book.....if not and work is needed on the car, then that takes priority.  So fingers crossed!

With the hope that everything goes to plan and we can get away for a few days, I'm going to do some batch cooking this week, to freeze a few meals to take with us.  I also have more garden produce to prep and freeze too, butternut squashes and apples mostly.  I know the squashes store quite well, but we have had the odd one or two go off in previous years, so I'll part roast and freeze some of them.  The apples off the tree in the front garden, having tasted them over the weekend, I can definitely now say are cookers, they're a bit on the sour side - nice though cooked with brown sugar and cinnamon or ginger. 

Learning to say No, and improving my gut health

 Page views have shot up again the past couple of days, I wonder why?  

We had a very brief thunderstorm this morning - a surprisingly heavy shower which lasted about 15 minutes, one flash of lightning and 3 or 4 thunder claps, and that was it.  It's now just spitting, forecast for most of the day.

Husband's obsessions are getting more and more frequent, and I've been finding it harder to cope with.  When he's in the grip of whatever his current fixation is, he goes on and on and ON about it, for however many days or weeks it lasts.  It's so wearing.  Well, he's not going to get any better (only worse), so I'm having to change the way I deal with things, in order to save my sanity.  Now, husband knows I'm partially deaf and that I cannot hear what he's saying (he talks ALL the time) if I'm in another room, or standing beside the radio, or a kitchen appliance that's on, like the kettle, microwave or Ninja e.g.  Up till recently I'd been saying "I can't hear you!" - I must have said it literally 100s of times.  Well now I simply say nothing - just ignoring him really.  He then fairly quickly realises I can't hear him and comes closer to repeat what he said - or he just gives up.

With his obsessions (as I said in the last post, his current one is yet another paid-for TV channel), when he's going on about it yet again I now just say "I can't listen at the moment, I'm busy".  Or else I just ignore him.....he does eventually then shut up about it - for a while at least.

I'm also now being firmer and putting my foot down when he's going on and on about getting something we really don't need.  E.g. the greenhouse (his fixation from a couple of weeks ago) - we really don't need one, certainly not when he'll just fill it up with more of his junk rather than plants, so I said quite firmly no we're not having one.  It'll be the same with the TV channel - he really doesn't need another excuse to watch any more telly!  And I'm certainly not interested in it, I watch TV less and less these days.

It might seem like I'm being too unreasonable or putting a damper on his plans/obsessions - but the fact is they ARE merely obsessions, the current whatever it is won't last for long, he'll move onto something else....and then something else again.  And seeing as I'm the one who has to deal with everything, plan both of our lives and organise everything, along with doing most of the jobs, I do need to make sure I'm coping well, whatever it takes to do that.  I need to prioritise my own health and wellbeing occasionally - the fact is husband simply couldn't cope without me, so I've got to be well enough.

Right now I'm prioritising my gut health, cooking and eating good clean healthy food - I've been a bit under the weather recently with a few gut problems, probably caused by a few upsets and stresses with husband.  When I'm stressed or depressed, healthy eating goes out the window and I eat far too many carbs, which really isn't good for me.  So today I'm making courgette soup for lunch, and I've made a cottage pie for dinner, using chicken mince and lots of our homegrown veg.

A garden day, and yet another obsession

 When I arrived for the mammogram yesterday, the lady in front of me was just being brought out and was quickly ushered into a cubicle, the mammographer called for 2 young nurses to come and assist her as she was feeling unwell.  A couple of minutes later she was suddenly, loudly and dramatically sick 😟.  No idea what that was about but I guess she was in the right place to be taken care of.  The mammographer was an older lady who couldn't have been more empathic, solicitous and kind and made my boob squashing....if not exactly a pleasant experience, a quick, efficient and relatively pain-free one.  All done and dusted, I'll get a letter in about 3 or 4 weeks - or a phone call if there's anything of concern found.

It's going to be sunny all day, we're spending the day in the garden tidying up for winter.  The courgettes, tomatoes, cucumbers and 2 of the butternut squash plants are all just about finished fruiting now, so we'll be pulling them all up.  We still have one squash plant (a different variety), 2 sweet pepper plants, an aubergine and lots of leeks growing.  There's just a few rose blooms left on some of the plants - several of the roses have been badly affected by powdery mildew this year, due to the weather I expect, so I'll be cutting them back and disposing of the prunings in a bag to be taken to the tip - I don't want the diseased bits in our compost bins.  The apple tree in the front garden is quite heavily laden, I'm still not sure whether it's an eater or a cooker - next door neighbours say they think it's a cooker, but the apples are mostly quite small (again probably due to the weather) - it's certainly not a Bramley, I know that much.  I'll pick the biggest of the apples and gather any of the windfalls that don't look too damaged, so will be cooking them up tomorrow.  Our garden produce has been mostly pretty marvellous this year, wonder what next year will be like?

The next door neighbours, as well as growing lots of edibles in their garden, also have an allotment and grow tons and tons of stuff there, far too much for their own use.  They do give quite a lot away, to us and other neighbours, but still have enough produce sitting in boxes and trays out in their car port to open up their own greengrocers shop!  They seem to be especially fond of onions and runner beans, they're always cooking and freezing them.  They just like growing things, I think.

Husband has another obsession now - having just got the Disney+ paid for channel on the TV, he now wants another one, Paramount+.  Again, it's his own money so is up to him I guess, but he watches enough TV as it is, I don't know why he thinks he needs yet another channel!  He's been wittering on about it for days, he can't set it and the payments up by himself, he needs me to do it for him.  He hasn't actually asked me to yet, but it's only a matter of time 😒

Doggy aches and pains and boob squashing for me

 The Proper Job shop had no grit, shingle or rocks and no plans to get more in right now - wrong time of year I guess.  Disappointing but never mind, I know I'll be able to get some from the garden centre - just more expensive.  Still, I got some dog treats for Betty, much cheaper in there than anywhere else.  I always thoroughly read the ingredients list on any treats, I don't buy stuff with rubbish ingredients like sugar or obvious fillers, or questionable E numbers.

Talking of Betty, I mentioned to the vet that she was increasingly restless at night, she's always getting up and moving around and it takes her a good hour or more to finally settle.  He said it's probably low grade pain or discomfort in her joints, caused by her age and more than likely arthritis.  He couldn't examine her joints as she'd already dragged husband out to the car after having her ears seen to, she hates going to the vets and tries to escape ASAP, bless her.  I said she'd been having glucosamine and chondroitin tabs for a while now which were working to begin with, he reckoned they probably now aren't working as well and she's in need of some extra help.  He said to try giving her 2 paracetamol with her evening meal and reporting back to him after a week or two.  It does seem to be working, the last couple of nights she's definitely been less restless and settled quicker.  Poor thing, it's not nice getting old - for people or pets.  She'll be 9 next month, life expectancy for her 2 breeds is 8-12 years, so she's in the early stages of old age (bit like me, although I feel well and truly ancient sometimes!).

In Aldi I was disappointed to note that they've changed the frothy coffee sachets that I like - the packaging is different which in itself doesn't matter, but when I got home and compared one of the new boxes to the old original ones, which I still have several of, the ingredients are slightly different too - less milk powder and less coffee.  I hope they still taste alright, I'll be annoyed if they don't.  They've also put the price up by 20p per box 😒.  Price rises by stealth again, and they think we don't notice!  As I buy 10 boxes at a time, that's an extra £2.00.....still, I really like those coffees so am happy to buy them.  And of course they're a lot cheaper than a latte or cappuccino in a cafe!  Although I do like going out for a frothy coffee and slice of cake, it's a nice treat I think.

I've got the dreaded boob squashing appointment this morning, oh joy.  It's painful enough having your boobs flattened between 2 heavy bookends (well that's what it feels like), but it's the manhandling of your naked upper body into awkward and painful positions, and by a complete stranger, that I find the most unpleasant thing.  Good job it only lasts a few minutes.  What with that and the indignity called a smear test, it's sometimes not very pleasant being a woman!

I put the 4.5 tog quilt on my bed yesterday - very cosy, in fact a bit too much, I had to throw it off me a couple of times during the night.

Duvet, slippers and soup - must be autumn!

 I woke up in the night feeling cold, so had to get up and put another fleece blanket on the bed.  Betty wasn't on my bed which was probably why I felt cold, she'd got off sometime earlier and went to her own bed in the lounge.  Ironically, as soon as I'd put the fleece on and got back in bed, she came in and jumped back on the bed.  So this afternoon I'll change my bed and put the 4.5 tog quilt on, it's most definitely autumnal now.

I'm not going on the shopping bus to Bridgwater today, I've got nothing to get there.  I will need to go next week though, I'll need more books from the charity shop by then, and a new pair of slippers from the shoe shop, it's time to put my summer flip flops away, my toes are feeling chilly.

Today we're off to Taunton to the big Proper Job there (DIY, garden and homeware shop) so I can look for grit, gravel and/or slate for my new rockery.  I'll also pop into Aldi, which is close by, for another small top up shop.

It'll soon be soup weather, which is good as I've got so much of our homegrown veg in the freezer just waiting to be turned into soup.  I might start making bread again, can't have soup without some nice wholemeal seedy bread.

Grumpy and tired

 I feel like a wet rag today.  It's either husband or the dog waking me up the last few nights.....last night it was both, so I'm fit for nothing today.  Sometimes a desert island feels incredibly appealing - today is one of those times.  Husband wandered into my room last night, waking me up, asking where Betty was - she'd jumped off my bed, having kept me awake for a while restlessly moving around, and gone off to sleep in the lounge.  He muttered something about taking her for a walk - what, in the middle of the night?!  He was still half asleep, had probably woken up in the middle of a dream, so I told him not to be daft and to go back to bed.....he did.  Once again I couldn't get back to sleep for ages, hence why I hate being woken up in the night.  He's gone off to the gym so I've got an hour's peace.

I spend my life sorting out husband and dog, it's time I did something for me.  I've decided I definitely want to go ahead with taking up Betty's small lawn, which she only ever uses for weeing on anyway, so the 'lawn' is just brown patches and looks so unsightly, with bare bits where she's been digging.  I'm going to make it into another rockery - there's already a rockery here constructed by the previous tenants, it's ok but not to my taste, so the new one will be exactly what I want.  We're going out tomorrow to look for materials - compost and grit for free draining soil for the plants, some nice gravel or slate for top dressing, and some more rocks - we have several spare ones dotted around the garden, but probably not enough.  I want a mixture of flowering alpines and some small succulents for the planting.  I've designed (in my head) a layout for the rockery, I know exactly how I want it to look.  It'll be outside the kitchen window so something nice to look at when I'm working in the kitchen.  

I think husband's given up on the idea of the blasted polytunnel - which we don't need and I certainly don't want, thank goodness.  He's still  going on about building a small tool store (beats me why he can't just buy a readymade plastic one).  I'm not really taking much notice, he may well forget about that soon as well, but even if he does decide to go ahead, it'll be in a concreted area just outside the back door which isn't really used for anything else, so won't bother me or my plans for the garden.

We've had quite a bit of rain during the night (more forecast today) so the garden is recovering nicely.

My brother, SiL and their dog have hired a motorhome and are touring around Scotland for 25 days, breaking their long journey (they live in Cornwall) with a couple of overnight stops on the way up there and back down again.  How lovely, they'll have a great time.  I can't help feeling a bit jealous though.

Blimmin dog and husband

 Thank you for comments, I know I'm very sporadic about replying to them (yes I know, more of a case of me hardly ever replying, sorry), but I do read every single one and am very appreciative.

The day hasn't started well, Betty has dug a big hole in one of my flower beds and trampled all over one of my large yellow chrysanths, breaking lots of the stems.....it's the 2nd time she's done this.  We think there's a mouse (hopefully a mouse and not a rat) living in that bed and she can obviously smell it.  I was busy frying some aubergine slices for a ratatouille so she was out in the garden on her own.  Naughty girl.

Husband was out at the gym - he came home later than usual so I knew he'd been somewhere else afterwards.  Turns out he'd been to a woodyard pricing up some wood.  I asked why he needs the wood - he wants to build himself a tool store (first I've heard of it).  Yet another of his short-lived interests - at the last house he was always building something or other out in the garden, most of his projects didn't get finished, generally because he comes up against a problem (not enough materials, some of the wood cut to wrong length, he breaks something) and then he loses interest.  Sigh.  However - the car is booked in for an MOT in a fortnight, it's always a worry as to whether it will fail when you have an older car, although it hasn't failed yet (always a first time though!).  So I've asked him to put whatever plans he's got on hold and not to spend any more money before the car is MOT'd.  "I wouldn't dream of it, I've only just this morning thought about this, hence why I'm only getting prices of the wood at the moment!".  That's a fib for a start, as I saw him looking at wood on his computer 3 or 4 days ago.  I'll have to keep even more of an eye on him for the next couple of weeks, as he does have a habit of doing things behind my back.  He pays for anything to do with the car out of his bank account, he's got more than sufficient in there right now to pay for any servicing or repairs needed, but I don't want him spending loads on anything else and then having to ask me for extra money to pay for the car.

The nastiness, scathing comments and bickering he's been displaying lately don't really bother me that much - it's unpleasant but I generally just walk away.....I do put him in his place if he's really out of order.  It's his increasing tendency to do things without telling me or discussing anything with me that's more of a problem.  I have to really be on my toes and keep a good watch on what he's doing.  After 42 years of marriage, I do usually know when he's up to something, although it might take a few days before I find out what.

The weather can't seem to decide what it wants to do - heavy showers forecast from early this morning for most of the day, but so far we've only had a spit or 2, not even enough to wet the path.  Mixture of sunshine and clouds and quite windy again.  It's colder overnight now too, I might have to think about putting my 4.5 tog duvet on the bed........up till now I've just had a sheet and a light fleece blanket in case it gets a bit chilly during the night.  How is it September now?  This year seems to have raced by.