Last big purchase, garden plans, and a cute memory

 Thank you for all the comments on my last couple of posts.  The computer-generated letter mentioned by the nice case manager lady arrived this morning, once again it's a bamboozlement of figures which don't seem to make any sense....but as she said to ignore it, I will!  I'm not dealing with anything admin or finance related this weekend, it's a weekend off.  

I decided yesterday to get another armchair, to replace my current recliner in the lounge - I've had it several years and it's become very uncomfortable, the padding or springs or whatever it's made of on the seat part are breaking down.  There's a charity furniture shop in town that we've bought a few items from already, I noticed on their website that they had a lovely, new-looking chair in just the right colour, so we went and had a look....and I bought it.

It's what's called a fireside chair I think, although I think of it as a granny chair....it brings to mind the chairs all around the lounges in an old people's care home - the same style of chairs which are in our residents' lounge here on our little sheltered housing estate, in fact!  I guess it's appropriate - although I'm not a granny, having no children/grandchildren myself, I am an old person! (well, ish 😉).  Anyway, I like it, it's in excellent hardly-used condition and is very comfortable.  It's not a recliner, of course, but we do have a nice leather footstool I'm happy to use. 

That's the last major purchase I'm making out of the legacy money I received, the rest is staying firmly in my savings account.  I'm also going to add to it regularly, this year is going to be all about putting money into savings.

And finally it's the last day of the month....January has felt like it's had about 8 weeks, exacerbated by the miserable, grey, windy and rainy weather meaning we've not been out much, I'm definitely feeling stir crazy.  Today's weather is a mix of short (very short) sunny spells with a bit of blue sky, interspersed with more cloud and rain.  It's hard not to feel depressed when the weather is so dull and dreary.  At least February has only 28 days (unless it's a leap year this year?  No idea, better have a check....no it isn't).

I think I've now made the final decisions about what to do in the garden this year, having changed my mind a few times.  Nothing drastic, just a few changes to future-proof the garden and make it easier to manage, as I doubt husband will be doing anything much (except dozing) in the garden from now on.  There's a half-dead yucca type tree to cut down, cut into smaller pieces and take to the tip - husband's got an electric saw and we'll do it together, it's not a very big tree.  We have another recently-bought small tree - well, more of a large shrub - to plant in the border between us and the neighbour (more privacy-gaining measures), not been able to plant it out yet because of the bad weather, it's fine in a large pot in the car port at the moment.  Betty's small 6ft square lawn, which she never laid on and only ever wees on, making unsightly dead brown patches, to rip up and turn into a rockery - she has several gravel covered areas to wee on, and does, instead.  As I mentioned before, we'll be growing less, and less variety of, veg from now on - my decision, towards the end of last summer husband just wasn't interested in it anymore, so it became another job for me.  I want to buy perhaps another half dozen perennial shrubs, flowering ones, I won't be buying or planting any annuals from now on.  I may scatter a few annual flower seeds in the beds though, I do like flowers and colour in the garden.

This photo came up on my feed this morning, I took it on 31 January 2017 when Betty was 3 months old, we'd had her a month then.  She was such a character when she was a baby.  And so tiny!

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

 I finally had the phone call this morning from the case manager, she was extremely apologetic.  She explained that they'd had a complete new computer and software installation late last year, which was very different to their previous set up.  The new software systems apparently operate in a different way, they have different algorithms (whatever that means) and layouts, meaning confusion all round.  It sounded to me like the staff haven't had sufficient training on the new systems.  She was quoting some figures to me, which were completely different to the figures in the last letter I'd been sent, the one from November that I was disputing.  It transpired that the figures she had on her screen were updated figures from early December, correcting errors in the November letter.....I should have been sent this letter but she eventually found that unfortunately it hadn't been sent out, an error she blamed on the software changeover and again apologised for.  She said, in view of the figures I was disputing, she would go through things thoroughly and get another, hopefully correct, letter sent to me next week.  And she also promised it would be in simplified form, with no jargon!  She ended by saying don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of things and get the correct refund sorted.  She gave me her direct line phone number and said don't hesitate to ring her if I'm not happy with the letter she sends next week.

About half an hour later she rang again, very apologetic once again, to say that 'the system' had generated another letter, with figures dating back to 2023 (why that date I don't know, nor did she).  This letter is already on its way to me, apparently - she said to please disregard it, as it did contain some outdated figures, as far as she could tell.  We ended up joking about having plenty of waste paper for writing shopping lists or shredding for hamster bedding, although she did say on a serious note that all this paperwork currently being generated by the new system is a shocking waste of paper and trees.  She said she's not the only one who's having problems with the new computer systems and disgruntled customers getting in touch, and the staff are all putting in complaints and recommendations (like get the old system back!!).  I'm happy - for now - that I'm being listened to by an efficient and helpful senior staff member who has promised she will sort it all out.  Fingers crossed.

I was busy in the kitchen this morning, making a cake and bread dough and chopping a load of veggies for a root veg and Heck sausage traybake for tonight's dinner.  We both like sausages but after watching Prof Tim Spector's What Not to Eat programmes on UPFs, I've decided that from now on we'll only have sausages once or twice a month, and I will only buy the Heck 97% meat ones - leaving little room for any nasty stuff.  Husband was flat out in his recliner chair again, so I suggested he clear out the airing cupboard, which needed a good clear out.  It's a large, deep cupboard and had a couple of boxes right at the back, full of - well, I didn't really know what - stuff we'd brought from the old house when we moved, and hadn't got around to unpacking in 2 years.  I know, shameful right?!?!  There was also quite a bit of old bedding we no longer use, including a couple of pillows and duvets and some fleece blankets that were from the caravan - smaller beds in the caravan so the bedding wasn't any good for our beds here at home.  I suggested husband put all the bedding etc into black bin bags, to be taken to a charity shop the next time we're in town.  I also said he could pull out the boxes of 'stuff' and go through it to get rid of anything we didn't want or need.....after more than 2 years in the cupboard we presumably didn't 'need' most of it!  I thought it was a fairly easy job to keep husband occupied whilst I was busy in the kitchen - better for him than lounging in his recliner chair all day, dozing in front of the TV.

Well, every couple of minutes he kept calling me to ask if we wanted or needed this or that - rather than bringing whatever it was to me, he just called out every time and expected me to go to him 😒.  Eventually, I told him firmly that we don't need ANY of the bedding, and if there were things in the boxes that he wasn't sure about, to put them in a pile and I'd have a look through them later.  He got the message and eventually the cupboard was more or less emptied, the remaining few things to keep are now confined in one box and one bag at the back of the cupboard, leaving plenty of space to put freshly washed clothes and bedding for airing.  So we've both had a productive day.

Why don't people listen?

 I had an appointment with the senior nurse at our surgery yesterday for an annual review....only, when I arrived, she said she couldn't do the review as a couple of tests I should have had when I went for a blood test last month, weren't done then.  Apparently the nurse who took the blood was an agency nurse filling in for staff sickness and she didn't know she had to do these other tests....why, was it not on her screen?  Obviously not.  We've had other instances of things being done wrongly or in a haphazard way with this surgery, they're certainly not as efficient as our last surgery.  The nurse, who apparently couldn't do these tests herself (why not?  Time I suppose, she was running 20 mins late), said she could quickly discuss a couple of things with me, so that my appointment wasn't completely a waste of time(!!).  She then said she could see from my screen notes that I wasn't on a statin and asked why not - I said I didn't want one, and pointed out that I've declined them every time they've asked, for years and years.  She tried to tell me that as my cholesterol was a bit high (it's not high, just slightly higher than they advise for diabetics) I should really be taking one!  I said that's my decision and I'm sticking to it, and as it's already on my notes that I decline statins, they shouldn't have to keep asking me!  She also said my BMI was too high and tried to give me a lecture on what not to eat - carbs which are potatoes, bread, pasta and rice, and saturated fats - as if I didn't know at my age!  Her manner was quite patronising actually, considering she was half my age, and she talked over me a couple of times.  Basically, she just didn't listen to me.  So now I have two further appointments because of this mix up, the 2 other tests first, then on another day (different week as well), the review I should have had yesterday.

This seems to be the way of things nowadays in my experience - people just don't listen.  Or is it that I'm not explaining things clearly enough?  I've had instances of friends not listening to or understanding me when I've tried to tell them things, family as well.  It's all the more frustrating when I live with someone who almost never listens to me and I have this to contend with every single day.  It's getting to the stage where I feel like I'm invisible.

We had loads of rain during the night which kept waking me up, so far today it's been rain, wind and short sunny spells.  More rain forecast every day for the next week, which means more washing hanging about on airers for days and days.  Relentless grey rainy days are so depressing, although I'm pleased to see a few Spring bulbs are starting to flower.  I keep looking out of the window at my garden and making or changing my tentative plans for it - can't do anything though until the weather improves.

I think I ought to hibernate every winter, it really doesn't suit me.

Oh, and the senior case manager woman hasn't yet rung.

I knew I was right!

 I didn't really get the rest and recuperation I needed, the past few days have been quite problematical.  Husband has been really testing my patience - enough said about that.  Problem relative has been a pain in the backside as well.  And there have been other stresses....

For the past 6 months or so we've (well, I've, it's me who deals with finances) been in dispute with a service provider.  Quite out of the blue, several months back they informed me that we owed them a few hundred pounds.  I immediately disputed it, as I was quite sure we didn't.  2 or 3 weeks later, I had an email from them saying it was a mistake on their part and we didn't owe them anything.  Good, I thought, that's the end of that.  A month or 2 went by and then I had another letter (from a different person) saying we did in fact owe them money....yet again I disputed it.  After another 3 or 4 weeks, yet another letter (snail mail) from them - a covering letter plus 4 pages of figures and abbreviations which made absolutely no sense to me at all.  I wrote back (this was at the beginning of November) saying that this last letter from them was not clear in any way, shape or form, it appeared to be just a cynical attempt to bamboozle me with inexplicable figures, meaningless abbreviations and garbled nonsense.  No reply to my letter addressing any of my concerns, they just sent an invoice.  By this time, and due to other things going on which had drained my brain and emotions, I lost the will to live - well, to continue fighting them - and simply paid up, although reiterating that I didn't believe we owed the money but was too exhausted to carry on trying to get them to see when they clearly weren't listening to me.  Last Friday late in the afternoon, however, I had an email from a senior case manager, apologising for the delay in responding to my early November letter and asking for my phone number, so she could discuss the concerns expressed in my letter.

I got out the offending letter from them (good job I'd kept it) and went through all the figures with a fine tooth comb, to refresh my memory and see if I could make any sense of it, before she rings me.  And I spotted a huge glaring error in their calculations - I can't believe I missed it the first time around.  Well, I guess it was because I was just so worn down with the constant back and forth, we owe them money, no we don't, yes we do thing (and other things affecting me at the time) and more or less just skimmed through the figures and unexplained abbreviations as my eyes glazed over.  Well, now I know that we didn't owe them money - as I actually knew all along - and they in fact owe us £412, quite a substantial sum.  And the proof of that is in black and white in their own letter to me, it's a definite indisputable mistake on their part.  So when she rings me, if this isn't the reason why she's ringing, I shall hit her with it, along with a promise to escalate the matter to an ombudsman if they don't put it right and refund our money.

Honestly, everything's a battle these days, it's no wonder I'm so run down.

I've focused on good, clean, healthy home-cooked food these past few days and am pleased to say I've lost 4lbs, no longer feel bloated and my guts and joints are feeling so much better.  This persistent rain and wind isn't doing my mood any good though, hurry up Spring! 

Recuperating

 I'm having a couple of days off blogging - well, off everything really.  Things have been difficult the past few days, I'm feeling very drained physically and mentally.  I'm ok, just running on empty, so just need to curl up in the chair in my room and read a good book for a few days.  Back soon x

In the doldrums

 It's another wet, windy and grey day, so depressing.  For tomorrow, although still showery, it is forecast to be a little bit brighter, thank goodness.

I really don't like going out in bad weather nowadays, I can't stand being outside when it's raining and the wind is lashing the rain into my face, so going for a walk, standing at a bus stop (buses were running about 40 mins late yesterday, with one journey being cut out altogether, according to locals on FB) or even going out in the garden to do a bit of tidying up is out of the question for me right now.  But....I'm so fed up with being stuck indoors with a grumpy husband who spends most days flat out in his recliner chair dozing, the TV playing to itself with all kinds of daytime rubbish on, the remote control clutched to his chest or fallen down the side of his chair so I can't even turn the damn thing off!  I suppose I could pull the plug out....If he's not got the TV on then he's sitting at his computer watching noisy reels of car crashes or drunk/drugged people arguing with police officers.  Even Betty has been moping around the past few days - I don't think she's unwell, she's just bored.  I do try to play with her a couple of times a day, to alleviate her boredom and give her a bit of stimulation.  

This morning I've done a washload and put it on the airer in the hallway - it's not even been drying in the car port lately, the weather's just been so grey and dismal and damp.  I've chopped a load of veg and put them in the slow cooker with a handful of pearl barley, with a can of mushroom soup and a packet of garlic mushroom sauce - still using up our stocks of UPF foods.  I mixed up a packet of white sourdough bread mix (yes more UPF) yesterday, adding some wholemeal flour and mixed seeds to it.  Left it overnight in the fridge to prove, this morning it was well risen and bubbly.  Once it got back to room temperature, I turned it out of the bowl, gave it a quick fold and shape, left for another half hour to rise again then baked it, just taken it out of the Ninja oven (which bakes bread beautifully) and it looks and smells lovely.  We'll have a couple of thick slices to dip into the veg stew tonight.

Husband took Betty out, both of them wearing their raincoats, for a short 10 min walk, then got back in his chair.  I've just asked him to hoover the lounge. ** He didn't go to the gym again this morning, citing his backache....I've told him yet again that lazing flat out in his recliner chair for hours is doing his back no good, he needs to get up and move, which is the medical advice nowadays.  

I've decided that tomorrow I'll pack some food (some of that bread, cheese and some salad bits) and a flask of tea and we - including Betty - can go out for a picnic up on the moors.  We'll most likely have to eat in the car, but at least we'll be outside.....a change of scenery will do all 3 of us good, we're all down in the doldrums.

** He hoovered the large rug in the middle of the lounge floor and that was it 😒

Just to clarify....

 ...apparently, our next door neighbours did inform our Housing Association of the problems and private neighbour's intentions a couple of months ago, to no avail.  They've since got our Housing Officer to chase up the relevant department a couple of times, but it appears they still haven't done anything about it, despite the H/O taking photos of the missing wire fence boundary and submitting them.  I'm still not getting involved.

Learning to say No

 Thank you for comments....yes it did give me a giggle HH, and June about the only thing I miss from leaving the Midlands and moving down here is being close to my sister, we used to do a lot together.  And thanks for the good wishes for sister - she was discharged yesterday with no antibiotics to take home with her, unlike the previous week, so will be speaking to her GP today.  The hospital doc said they would be sending a report to her GP yesterday or today.  Hopefully she'll get some answers.

Yesterday my next door neighbour, who I get along with very well albeit I generally keep them at arms length as she and her husband have some very strange views and a bit of a history of falling out with other neighbours, tried to get me involved with the rear boundary neighbour dispute regarding the fence.  To put things in a nutshell, between ours and our fellow tenants gardens and the (private house, not a fellow tenant) rear garden, there is a 3ft wire fence belonging to our landlords, which marks the boundary line.  Previous tenants here arranged for a wooden 3ft fence to be erected in front of the wire fence, for some privacy, likewise our fellow neighbour tenants had a 4ft wooden fence erected in their garden.  The private garden on the other side of our boundary contains a dilapidated barn, which they have planning permission to convert to a 2-storey holiday home (it's currently single storey), the rest of the 'garden' is used for parking - the owners have 3 vehicles plus a motorbike.  Their large house and own rear garden are across the road from this barn and parking area, it's not adjacent to their house.  As I've previously mentioned, there used to be trees and tall shrubs along his side of the fence, which provided a good deal of privacy for us, but last year he removed them all, completely taking away our privacy.  He says he's going to erect a wooden fence which he claims will be 5ft high, but as his garden is lower than ours, it will only amount to 4ft on our side, if that.  

To cut a long story short, last year he removed the wire fence behind our fellow tenant neighbours' garden, which he shouldn't have done as it didn't belong to him and he didn't get permission to do.  He's starting to erect the wooden fence on his side, but much closer to our neighbour's fence - in other words, he's 'land-grabbed' 4 or 5 inches or so to make his area bigger.  Our fellow neighbours have put in a complaint to the Parish Council and it's due to be discussed at the next parish meeting.  The private neighbour, who is a very jolly, loud, lord of the manor type (he isn't lord of the manor!) who thinks he can do whatever he wants, hasn't as yet removed our wire fence, but I expect it's only a matter of time.  Anyway, our fellow neighbour wants me to get involved, get in touch with the Planning dept and go to the parish council meeting along with them and add my voice to the complaint.  However, I respectfully but firmly refused.....I've found it quite difficult in the past to actually say no to things I really didn't want to do.

I know it's wrong, both morally and legally, for the private neighbour to remove fences that don't belong to him and 'land-grab' but I don't really care about that - unless he removes our wooden fence!  Him taking a couple of inches behind our wooden fence doesn't really have any impact on our garden, so I'm not really bothered.  I'm not happy about our now lack of privacy (our garden and the back of our house are now very overlooked both by surrounding houses and the road), but we're quietly addressing that by buying and planting some tall shrubs along our boundary fence - in fact we bought another one yesterday, it's just been delivered, it's over 5ft tall so wouldn't fit in our car.  We now have 4 tallish flowering shrubs along that fence.  

With all the stresses and problems I have on a daily basis with husband's deteriorating health, I can't be doing with adding more.  I have to choose my battles, as it were, for my own sanity.  I don't like what the private neighbour is doing, but I am, fairly successfully I think, putting it to the back of my mind and just quietly doing what benefits us on our own side of the fence. 

Not again!

 My sister was again taken to hospital by ambulance yesterday morning, with chest pains and breathing difficulties.  For the first 3 hours she was seen by doctors in the ambulance outside the hospital, as A&E was full up 😒.  They initially thought she might have a blood clot in her chest...fortunately that turned out not to be the case, after several xrays, chest and lung scans and 3 lots of bloods, they said it was yet another bad chest infection.  She had anticoagulants (her blood was clotting too quickly), painkillers and 2 lots of intravenous hefty antibiotics throughout the night, has now been discharged and has just arrived home.  She's exhausted but is feeling a little better this morning.  Poor sis, she's had a real rough time lately.  Fortunately, she has good friends who have been round several times the past week, doing her housework, changing the bed, doing washing and bringing meals round for her husband, who is housebound and immobile.

Talking of husbands, mine was having one of his insisting black is white days yesterday, he was very argumentative, confrontational and downright obnoxious all day, it was one of those days where I really felt like walking out of the door and never coming back.  I didn't, obviously, just stayed in my bedroom most of the day.  Sometimes I just want to scream.

I was trying to - calmly - discuss garden plans with him.....he disagreed with almost everything I suggested.  I said it would be best for us to start cutting back on the amount of edibles we grow - nope, he wants to grow even more. WHY?! he grows far too much for our own use as it is.  And halfway through last year he got bored with the garden and did next to nothing to look after the veg - I had to ask him to tie up growing shoots to the canes, as the tomatoes, cucumbers and peas were falling over and getting in a right mess as he was neglecting them.  For the record, I deal with the flowering plants, he does the veg - when he can be bothered.  He neglected the strawberries and didn't cover them properly, meaning lots got eaten by birds and slugs.  Although he did spend a lot of time in the garden during last year's hot weather, it was mostly sitting in the garden chairs with his feet up, sleeping in the sun. 

A few hours later he had one of his crazy ideas....he said about building some kind of structure/tunnel to grow the cucumbers, courgettes and tomatoes up, so they would hang down.  And he was going to do it in the middle of the garden, obstructing my view of my flower beds.  He's a bodger, he never plans anything properly, just makes things up as he goes along, then loses interest when the thing doesn't work as it should so just gives up with it.  I don't want another half-finished jerry-built unsightly construction stuck in the middle of the garden.  Like that blasted shed he insisted on building last year, it's not watertight so there's often a puddle of water inside and the tools/equipment he wanted to store in there still get wet anyway.  The door doesn't fit properly, there's a big gap at the top and the door or frame is warped, so he has to use a hammer to bang the bolt to get it open.  He can't be bothered, or doesn't know how, to fix it.  Words fail me sometimes.  I didn't say anything about his latest crazy idea, hopefully he'll forget about it soon.

He hasn't gone to the gym today as he says he's got backache again, so I just hope he'll be in a less argumentative frame of mind today.  I'm going to find and print out the bus timetable in a bit and stick it on the wall beside the calendar, so I can start going on the bus into town once or twice a week - I need the break!

Garden plans for the future

 June mentioned me saying that the previous tenant was unable to maintain the garden due to illness - thank you for your kind words, June - and for everyone's comments.  According to our neighbours, the previous tenant had been a keen gardener, until she was diagnosed with Alzheimers and went downhill quite severely for the last 2 or 3 years of her life.  When we first moved here, it was clear to see that someone had loved the garden in previous years, there were (still are) a lot of roses, both shrub and climbers, mature shrubs, a couple of clematis, hedging and lots of Spring bulbs.  However, everything had clearly been neglected for a few years and was very overgrown.  The garden had been divided up into raised flower and veg beds, with concrete or slab paths in between, no grass.  Virtually all of the beds had been covered over with gravel though, with some roses and shrubs struggling for life in a few of the beds.  Apparently, the tenant's partner, a man with health problems of his own, had arranged for the beds to be gravelled a few years back when the tenant became unable to do the garden, as the partner was in no way, shape or form a gardener.  When we moved here, we found 2 wheelie bins literally full of empty wine and spirits bottles, beer cans, cigarette packets and tobacco pouches - I guess the partner's way of coping with the tenant's dementia (I neither drink nor smoke, escaping to my bedroom or the garden in summer is my way of coping....not that husband has dementia as yet, but the likelihood of that is getting closer).

I am concerned about our future ability to carry on gardening and growing produce, to this end I've been gradually introducing more perennial shrubs to the flower beds, ones that won't get too big or need lots of care.  There is one area of the garden still needing to be changed, it's my intention to get that done this year, then it'll just be a question of light maintenance, hopefully, after that.  I'm sure we won't be growing loads of edible produce in the future, I'll maybe keep 2 of our current raised veg beds for that and the others I'll plant up with flowering shrubs.  Betty's small lawn which we made for her the first year we were here I'm going to transform into a rockery - we turfed it for her to lie on in the summer, but she's only ever laid on it a couple of times, she prefers to lie on the paving slabs.....she only wees on the lawn now, so it's covered in brown patches anyway.  It's just a small grassed area but still needs mowing, so that's another job we can do without as we get older....a rockery with small alpine plants will be much more manageable.  Husband has already lost a lot of interest in gardening, so I need to make sure the garden is easy for me to manage alone in the future.

Flexitarian!

 Thank you for comments, I have some lovely readers who I much appreciate.  Happy Introvert said that Professor Tim Spector has an Instagram account - I don't, and am not very keen to open one, I don't really want another excuse to possibly spend hours scrolling!  Thank you though, I might get one of his books.  Ruta said she refers to herself as a flexitarian - I'd never heard of that term, but having seen that it refers to someone who is mostly vegetarian but occasionally eats some meat and fish, I'm happy to now join you and refer to myself as a fellow flexi!  I do mostly eat mainly vegetarian, but have fish usually twice a week.  I don't eat beef, pork or lamb, or any offal - the smell of offal cooking (husband eats it and so does Betty) now makes me heave, so he has to cook it with the kitchen door closed and the windows open to get rid of the smell (and then I have to clean up the kitchen afterwards, to get rid of all the bloody and greasy splashes he says he's wiped up!).  When I buy a gammon joint for husband, about once a month, I may perhaps eat 1 small slice of it with the usual veggies for Sunday dinner, I sometimes chop up a slice to go in an omelette or quiche.  I eat a chicken thigh for a Sunday dinner maybe once or twice a month, and again occasionally use a small amount chopped up in a pasta bake or rice dish.  I did occasionally eat a couple of sausages or a bacon sandwich but not anymore, as I'm determined to cut down drastically on UPF foods.  Burgers - no thanks, I really like the Linda McCartney mozzarella burgers, they don't have that (to me now) awful smell and horrible greasy mouth feel of beef burgers.  Yes I know they're probably UPF, but it's not like I eat them all the time - perhaps twice a month.

Yesterday we had battered cod, oven chips and mushy peas, all from the freezer, for dinner.  Quite nice at the time but far too many carbs for me, my guts and sluggish joints are certainly not thanking me this morning.  I think in future when we have battered fish we'll have it with salad and homemade coleslaw, and I'll only eat half the batter.  Today it's an egg and tuna salad for lunch, jacket spud with cheese and a spoonful of baked beans with a side salad for dinner.

Nice sunny morning, I've put washing on the line.  I was having a look around the garden and changed my mind again about where to put a large hebe shrub I want to move from its present location.  The bed it's in I have plans for so the shrub has to come out....I'd considered a couple of other locations for it but have now decided it'll go in front of the fence between us and next door.  It's quite a large shrub, it was here already when we moved in and had been neglected, along with everything else in the garden, for a few years, the previous occupant having become too unwell to do any gardening.  So it was very tall, straggly, overgrown and untidy - having pruned and shaped it for the past 2 years, it's now a pleasing (and tidy) round/oval shape.  I don't mind it getting a little taller once it's in the new position, it'll help towards screening and privacy (you'll remember the neighbour got rid of all his trees and large shrubs along the boundary fence, leaving a 3ft high fence - which belongs to us, well, our landlords - and removed all our privacy).  

Week coming up doesn't look very nice weatherwise, overcast and drizzly.  Not cold though, so that's something.

Judgemental

 I joined a non-UPF group on FB a couple of days ago, it's a private group and one can only see posts if you join up.  After a brief browse through the most recent posts, I quickly resigned from the group - wow, some people on there were SO judgemental, if someone mentioned buying something that was even minimally processed, they were jumped on quite rudely and told in no uncertain terms that the food/drink wasn't a non-UPF.  We all have to learn when we start something, we also have to work out what's best for us, our health needs and our own circumstances, it can't be an 'all or nothing' approach for everyone.  I noticed a similar mindset with some people when I first made the decision to go (mostly) vegetarian/pescatarian 2 or 3 years ago - I do what suits me, for my own reasons, but some individuals were very quick to have a go if I mentioned (or they saw me eating) something meat-related.  A few people still do, actually, but I no longer feel any need to justify my choices.  Each to their own.

Off to Aldi today to do a store cupboard stock up, which will take longer than normal as I'll be studying ingredients lists on everything and probably making other choices.  Husband will be moaning like mad, if he gets too grumpy I might suggest he goes to have a browse in the big Proper Job diy-type store nearby.  Much more his thing.  Actually, he could drop me off at Aldi and go straight on to Proper Job, picking me up later when I've done the shop, no need for him to come in with me at all.  Sorted! 

Back to heavy rain today, but at least it's warmer.

My sis and stepdaughter are both improving now, thankfully, they've both been so poorly.

UPFs

 The What Not to Eat programme on Ch 4 last night was again an eye opener.  The biggest for me was showing how prepacked sliced ham was made, it made me want to gag.  The ingredients used (poor sub standard fatty pork, including cartilage and bits you definitely wouldn't cook up and put on your plate to eat, as well as the other powdered stuff that you wouldn't have in your own kitchen) and the method - basically mincing everything then squishing it all together tightly in a press, steam cooked in a can and then sliced when cold to put into plastic packets, was the stuff of nightmares.  How anyone would want to eat prepacked sliced 'ham' after watching that I don't know.  I almost never eat it now anyway, except maybe chopping a couple of leftover slices and putting it in a quiche, although husband often does.  But even he said he wouldn't want to after seeing that, so we've agreed we're not buying it anymore.

Husband then said "But we don't really eat many UPF foods anyway do we?" - he's clueless about that sort of thing, he basically thinks UPF refers to McD's burgers, doughnuts and cans of fizzy pop and not much else.  I went through our fridge and read out the ingredients list to him of some of the things in it, he was very surprised.  I have to say I was also quite shocked - at least half of the current items in our fridge can be classed as UPFs.  Shocked and ashamed, quite honestly, I've really let things slide over the past few months.

I explained to husband that UPFs are foods that have a long list of ingredients, including things that aren't strictly necessary like sugars (in all forms), salt, flavourings, colours, fats - all things to improve the taste and appearance to make us like them more so we buy and eat more of them.  And then there are all the ingredients we've never heard of and wouldn't use ourselves when making something.  I also pointed out to him that it's not only the ingredients, it's also the manufacturing process - basically, if it's made in a factory and by huge machines, then the chances are it's a UPF.  He won't remember, of course, but that doesn't really matter - as long as I'm more careful from now on, read labels assiduously and endeavour not to buy things like that, then we'll be alright and he doesn't really need to know.

It is spurring me on to buy and eat better foods, another proactive thing to do towards improving both my and husband's health.

Poor girls, changing coffee and UPF pastry!

 Sister has the RSV virus and also a bacterial infection which the hospital doctor said could easily become pneumonia without quick and effective intervention.  She was given a couple of doses of strong antibiotics via cannula in hospital, then sent home after a few hours with more strong antibiotics.  Husband's daughter had a burst cyst in her bile duct, causing a lot of pain and sickness.  Also given antibiotics and painkillers, allowed home but has to have further tests.  Poor ladies, hopefully on the mend soon, they're both still feeling like crap although glad to be home and in their own beds.

I've fallen out of love with my cappuccino and latte coffee sachets that I've been having for years, they just seem to taste very chemically and artificial now, they even seem to have a slightly odd smell.  Perhaps my taste buds have changed....after I lost my sense of smell and taste following the covid or flu thing I had back in October, it's only recently started coming back - or maybe it's my tastes changing as I get older.  Anyhow, I've decided to go back to ground coffee in a cafetiere - which is a good thing, as I won't be buying the UPF cappuccino sachets anymore.  Husband doesn't like ground coffee, but then he hardly ever drinks any kind of coffee, he's a tea man.

Still working my way through the current stock of UPF foods - yesterday I made a potato, cheese & onion pie using readymade frozen pastry and half a jar of bought lasagne white sauce, I added mustard, sage and thyme to the sauce to make it more palatable and interesting, as on tasting a spoonful out of the jar the sauce was very bland.  The other half of the sauce we'll have with filled tortelloni today, I'll add some (bought) pesto to the sauce to perk it up.  Frozen veg on the side.  Upon reading the ingredients list on the pastry pack yesterday, which I'd never actually done before, I was quite shocked to see it contained quite a long list of suspect ingredients, such as palm oil, emulsifiers, sugar (it wasn't even sweet pastry, just ordinary shortcrust, so why does it need sugar?), flavourings (again why?) and colour - erm, why?  It's just pastry!  I think I'll go back to making my own.

I guess I'm realising that all of these UPF things I've got into the bad habit of buying over the past few months are just for the sake of convenience - and laziness, if I'm honest.  It's not like I don't really have the time to make things like pastry and sauces from scratch - I just need to organise my time better. 

Still planning, and some anxieties this weekend

 Thank you for the comments.  Regarding taxis.....I know that will be an option for some trips once we've got rid of the car, however, two things:-

I've discovered that some taxi firms and charity minibuses won't take dogs, except if they're in a pet carrier.  We gave away Betty's carrier some time back when she outgrew it, and she's too heavy for us to carry now anyway, even the vet examines her on the floor as she's too heavy to lift onto the table.  She's only medium height, but is a very chunky, muscular, heavyset dog, a right heffalump.  So that's something I'll have to investigate further.

Re the 'spur of the moment' trips - some transport firms require booking in advance, and even if we found one that will take us straight away to wherever we fancy going, like a picnic on a sunny day, e.g., we'd still have to arrange for transport back home again, so that again takes away the spontaneity of it (how do we know how long we'll be out?  Or maybe the weather changes...).  Do you see?

I expect I'll work things out sooner or later, I do like to think about all eventualities, I'm a planner!

Both my sister and husband's daughter had sudden emergency ambulance trips to A&E this weekend, so that was a bit worrying.  They're both home now after being treated, given meds and discharged (which took several hours for both of them), but was quite worrying at the time.  Neither of them are out of the woods yet, but are relieved to be home, hospital A&E departments are not nice places to spend hours in nowadays.

My lovely cleaner Hayley is back today after her Christmas/NY break.  I'll be happy to see her, having to change the bed linen, do a full house hoover, etc I found very tiring - and painful with my bad shoulder and back.  I'm still ploughing my way through the Christmas cheese mountain - not that it hasn't been a pleasure 😂, I do love cheese but probably eat far too much of it.  We're nearly back to normal levels though.  Also still using up UPF foods, doing quite well with that.  I'm looking forward to eating clean, healthy whole foods and making my own bread and pasta sauces, etc, again.  So things are gradually getting back to normal now.

The weather is distinctly warmer today, and most of the week.....rain showers forecast though.  Can't have everything!

Overwhelmed last year, feeling anxious this year

 This is going to be a hard one to write, so please be gentle with me!

But first, I'd like to reply to some of your comments.  Annabeth, you mentioned free NHS hearing aids - which sound brilliant, by the way - from Specsavers.  I've googled it and apparently it's only by referral from your GP and not all areas participate in the scheme.....and of course ours doesn't 😒.  But I will be ringing my GP this week and asking for a referral back to audiology, there's apparently an audiology clinic at our local community hospital so I won't have to travel to either of the big hospitals.  Happy Introvert, husband's most often repeated question, several times a day, is "What's for dinner?" - he's very food focused.  He also asks me nearly every day what we're having for breakfast, despite the fact that I rarely eat breakfast and tell him that every time he asks and just suggest he has whatever he wants for breakfast.  The suggestion for not telling him about appointments until the actual day is a good one though.  Ruta, husband's cardiologist and consultant psychologist both said that his CI is caused by his heart condition (his poorly heart not pumping sufficient oxygenated blood around his body and to his brain, and the small blood vessels (too small to have stents fitted) being blocked).  So not caused by his meds, but thank you.

As I've said, I've been making all sorts of plans and doing a lot of thinking these past couple of weeks.  Over the weekend, I had a good hard think about last year, and I realised with the benefit of hindsight that it had been an especially hard year, meaning I felt completely overwhelmed.  When husband was first diagnosed with CI 4 or 5 years ago and was immediately discharged from the service, we weren't really given much information about exactly what it meant and how it would possibly progress - they just sent us a handful of leaflets a week or 2 later.  So we didn't really know what to expect.  Back then, although his short term memory was already failing, he didn't really have many more pronounced symptoms, these all started to come on quite gradually at first.  Last year, however, they were definitely getting a fair bit worse, all his symptoms - memory, concentration, difficulty with understanding instructions, confusion, failing to recognise photos of relatives, major personality changes - all seemed to escalate over the year, often leaving me with feelings of despair.  The fact that some friends and family don't understand and don't see him as being much different I find hugely frustrating as well - they just don't seem to get the fact that they only see or talk to him for a short period of time, just an hour or 2, which does not show the clear picture.  One close relative doesn't really understand at all, although her husband, whose mother has Alzheimers, understands very well.  Other relatives and friends think I'm exaggerating or worrying about nothing, as husband's problems are more mental than physical and, on the surface and for brief periods, he seems ok to them.    But, as has been said many times both by me and those of you in a similar position, they don't live here!!  They don't see him all the time!  So they think I'm just being a drama queen.  Last summer, in an effort to cut down on the amount of pressure and sheer volume of stressful stuff I was having to cope with, I made the decision not to buy birthday, anniversary and Christmas gifts anymore, I just found it so stressful to think up, source, buy, wrap and send gifts and felt it was pressure I could do without.  I did it across the board and told everyone my decision, most people understood (or said they did), a couple were quite sniffy about it and even said they didn't see why I couldn't do it anymore.  Ce la vie.

Now I'm trying to make plans and work things out, I'm feeling slightly less overwhelmed - it's a lot of work and not easy to find out/do some things, but I'll get there eventually.  The thought of what lies ahead, though, I do find quite scary.  Especially having no car - husband has now accepted that he has to give up driving this coming summer when his current insurance, tax and MOT run out.  As I've said before, things like food shopping (we're starting to have it delivered), getting into town and back, finding out about local charity or volunteer schemes to take us to GP appointments and the like, are all relatively doable.  It's the lack of spontaneity, e.g. when it's a nice day thinking 'let's pop out for a coffee or picnic, dog walk on the beach or car boot sale' that worries me the most.  Not having the freedom to do spur of the moment things, without planning in advance - which of course takes away the spontaneity.

And having to cope with everything if husband does get some form of dementia - I wasn't really cut out to be a nurse, I haven't got the temperament or patience.  But it's amazing what we can and will cope with when we have no other choice!  It's bloody scary, all the same.

How to deal with frustrations

 I'm still focusing on using up as many of our present stocks of UPF foods as I can, so we then endeavour not to buy any more, except for minimally processed 'good' foods like baked beans.  I've decided I'll start making my own bread again, as bought breads, even the sourdoughs that I like, still have ingredients that we wouldn't find in our own kitchens.  

I've also been working out strategies for coping better with husband's....foibles, shall we say.  I KNOW he can't help it, he doesn't do things deliberately to annoy me (although it does feel like it sometimes!), it's down to both his worsening cognitive condition and some of the medications he takes for his heart failure, and he's largely oblivious to what he's doing/saying and how irritating or frustrating it can be.  As you've probably gathered by now, husband talks ALL the time, except for when he's asleep (thankfully!), he talks at me constantly, he commentates on all TV programmes or those little reel videos he watches on his computer, he gets quite irate at a lot of things on the news and voices his opinions loudly.  He still insists on watching the TV news 3 times a day though, even knowing it's going to annoy him.

Now, I'm partially deaf, diagnosed probably over 10 years ago, and husband of course knows this....but he forgets constantly.  I cannot hear him if he's talking at me from another room, or if there's some other noise going on in the same room, e.g. the ever-present TV or radio, or an appliance in use in the kitchen, so I generally call out "I can't hear you" - I'm aware that he's saying something but can't hear the words clearly.  This happens numerous times a day, which I find more and more frustrating as the day goes on.  When he's coming in from outside, as soon as he opens the back door he's talking at me, regardless of the fact that he can't see me and therefore doesn't know where I am, I may well be in my bedroom or the bathroom.  So now I've decided that instead of constantly telling him I can't hear him, I'll just say nothing, simply ignore him, until he realises that I can't hear him and comes to find me.  Before anyone asks, yes I do have hearing aids, NHS ones, which are clearly the cheapest and most basic type (they're not adjustable) and find them totally useless for enabling me to hear better - all they seem to do is to magnify the background noise which I was previously unaware of.  The batteries don't last 5 minutes either, I seemed to be constantly having to change them, and they're obviously small and fiddly.  So I don't wear them.  I've no idea if NHS hearing aids have improved since then, I suppose I ought to ask my GP for a new referral back to audiology.

The other thing I find most frustrating is husband's terrible short term memory - when you've answered his same question 5 times in one morning it does get very wearing.  So I've decided to try and answer him calmly, then quickly go to the bathroom or bedroom, shut the door and roll my eyes, thump a pillow and mutter under my breath until the frustration is out of my system.  Again, I know it's not his fault, but it doesn't half get annoying when it happens literally all the time, every single day.

There are other things about his behaviour that irritate me but I'll focus on just these two things for the moment....once I've mastered those (which may take some time 😂😜), I'll move on to the next couple of things.  Wish me luck!  

Bright sunshine today but still very cold, we had a hard frost last night.  However, from tomorrow the temperature is forecast to rise quite significantly, and last all week.  Bliss!

Determined

 I think husband enjoyed all his birthday food, he even said thank you, which is a rarity these days.  This is the card he got from his daughter:-

Made us both laugh, so apt, every time she and son in law (who's an IT technician) come to visit, they have to sort out problems husband has been having with the TV, his phone or computer, I'm not much help 😂

I've been thinking more about UPFs, especially in the light of wanting to take better care of myself this year, and being more proactive - my word for the year.  I do really want to cut down drastically on the amount of UPFs we buy, for the sake of our health for both of us, with what's known now about the effects of nasty chemicals etc in our food there's really no justification for buying them.

Things like cheese sauce, soups and pasta sauce which I'd got into the bad habit of buying the past few months - they are really so simple to make, I know what's in them and they probably cost much less to make.  The only benefit to buying readymade ones really is that they are exactly that - readymade - so no effort and time saving.  But these things can easily be made in bulk, portioned out and frozen, so after the initial job of making them, pulling a frozen one out is no effort at all.  Some of you might remember a while back that I bought a load of frozen and chilled ready meals for husband, so I didn't have to cook separate meals for us both, in view of me being veggie/pescatarian and him being a carnivore.  Well, most of them he wasn't really that keen on, based on the weird taste (his words), insufficient meat or small size, not enough to satisfy his big appetite.  So that experiment wasn't a success.  I intend to get back in the habit of batch cooking curries, minced beef dishes, pasta bakes containing beef, gammon or chicken, etc, for him, so he's always got a few homemade ready meals in the freezer.

We'll use up whatever UPFs we've got, then I'll try not to buy them again.  Each time we have one of our remaining processed foods, I'll have a think about whether I can make it from scratch myself in future - I'm pretty sure I can with most things.

So that's a proactive project for my new year and goes towards my goal of looking after myself more, I'm determined to do it.

Well, the storm wasn't that bad here, quite strong gusty winds and rain for an hour or two in the middle of the night, but no damage or anything blown over, no sleet or snow either.  Other areas not so fortunate looking at the news, I hope all my lovely readers are safe.

Birthday food and UPFs

 Seeing as husband wasn't forthcoming with what he wanted for birthday food, I made the decision for him, choosing a day's worth of food I know he really likes.  So we're having toasted cheese crumpets for breakfast, then fried egg and beans on toast for lunch - simple stuff but things he loves.  For dinner I'm doing him chicken pieces marinaded in barbecue sauce, with fried rice cooked with lots of added veggies - I won't have the chicken but will have bbq sauce and grated cheese on my rice.  I bought apple turnovers with fresh cream for afters, and a pack of Guinness zero alcohol as a treat.  I'm sure he'll be pleased with it all.

We watched the first of a new series of What Not to Eat a couple of nights ago, it's presented by Professor Tim Spector and a GP, it's all about ultra processed foods and what they do to our bodies.  It was quite horrifying actually, and a bit of a wake up call as quite a few UPFs have been finding their way back into my kitchen recently - mostly for convenience because of me falling out of love with cooking as I get older.  There was a family featured on the programme, a couple and their 4 young children, both parents were overweight, the wife more so than the husband.  They lived almost entirely on UPFs - white sliced toast or sugary cereals for breakfast, the wife had chocolate brownies for lunches, the husband had pot noodles, white bread cheese sandwiches, crisps and chocolate for lunch - every day.  The whole family had takeaways or fast food 5 times a week, they said they tried to cook proper meals twice a week but admitted that didn't always happen.  And the husband and wife each had two large bars of chocolate as a snack - 2 bars each - every single night.  Each of the children had a basket full of sweets, chocolate biscuits and crisps they could snack on when they got home from school each day.  I was absolutely gobsmacked at the sheer amount of total crap 'food' the whole family ate all the time - and it was completely normal for them.  Of course the two doctors got them onto healthy eating, cooking real food and getting the children to eat fruit instead of crap, and monitored them for 6 weeks, resulting in both parents losing nearly a stone in weight and lowering all their bad things like gut inflammation.  It was quite an eye opener and has spurred me on to stop buying UPF foods - we'll eat up what we've got but will try not to buy any more - well, within reason.  Even the Professor said that some processed foods are relatively ok - like tinned beans, e.g.  I do tend to rely on bought sauces - jars and packets, mayo and bbq sauce - which is daft really, as it's so easy (and cheaper) to make them and no nasties go in them.  So that's going to change.

Nope, it's not gonna be one of those days!

 First argument of the day was just a few minutes after I'd got up - husband was already up, for a change.  I happened to innocently mention something that he'd done yesterday - nothing bad, it was actually good, he'd made our last hot drink of the day.  Well, he immediately flatly denied it, insisting he didn't and it was me who'd made it, and continued to insist even though I didn't argue.  I just said "Ok I did" and walked away thinking for Pete's sake (who was Pete?), can't I even have my first coffee before the arguments start?!  And over something so trivial, and what does it matter anyway?!  😒Honestly, that man could start an argument in an empty room.

Thankfully, he's now gone to the gym so I have peace for an hour.  I've got things to do today, including organising a couple of small jobs for husband to do, so I'm determined not to have one of  'those' days.  Betty wouldn't eat her breakfast, just stood staring at it then looking up at her treats shelf - there's nothing wrong with her, she just wanted treats instead of her nutritious breakfast.  So I stood firm and told her to get on with her breakfast and she wasn't getting any treats.....she did eat it.  I then told both her and husband that I wasn't putting up with any nonsense from either of them today, I think they both got the message 😂😂

It's husband's 75th birthday tomorrow, I asked him last week what he wants as a gift, he said he doesn't want anything.....in the past couple of days he's bought himself 2 or 3 things off ebay, so he says that's his presents to himself.  Ok by me.  I also asked him about birthday food - he insisted he doesn't want to go out for a meal, nor does he want anything special cooked - he normally asks for steak or a huge pork chop.  We have to go to the supermarket for a very small top up shop of fresh food later, so I'll see if he changes his mind then.  I think he's just being obstinate, just because that's his default setting nowadays.

Bright sunshine again this morning, temp is supposed to be 6 or 7 deg, but I went in the garden with Betty and it was blimmin freezing cold, it's that bitter wind again.  Readers from overseas must think what is she on about, we have 6ft snow drifts and -20 temperatures, now that's cold!!  I'm just a wimp nowadays, a southern softy who hates feeling cold.  I'm so glad we don't have snow or really cold temperatures and that we live in a lovely warm home, my sympathies for those of you who have snow and ice at the moment.  Keep safe!

Lovely sleep

 I got a text early yesterday to say the mattress would be coming between 10 and 12, much better than having to wait all day.  It actually arrived at 09.50, even better.  One slight problem....it's much deeper than my previous mattress and my fitted sheets weren't big enough, so we had to nip into town to buy a deeper one.  Not much choice of colours (only white or grey actually), but it was cheap enough and it's only a temporary measure, I've ordered a couple more in my preferred purple colour off the internet (how did we all manage before the internet?!).

Well, both Betty and I slept well last night, the mattress is lovely, medium firm was the description and it feels both - nice soft and comfy top layer with firm supportive springs underneath, then another soft layer at the bottom.  The mattress is flippable, my last one wasn't.  I didn't wake up until 7.10, which is late for me, I almost didn't want to get out of bed it was so comfy and warm.

And another good thing - my bus pass arrived yesterday, which was amazingly quick.  Whilst the photo on it looks awful (I hate having my photo taken, which is reflected in my facial expression) and having a concessionary free bus pass is another reminder that I'm getting old - it does now mean that I can have free bus travel whenever and wherever I want (within reason).  I won't be taking advantage of it just yet though - it's far too cold for me to be standing around at bus stops waiting for a notoriously unreliable bus that might well be late, too full to allow any more passengers on, or not turn up at all.  Anyway, the prospect of sitting in close proximity in an enclosed space with people who might be coughing and sneezing, filling the bus up with germs, doesn't much appeal right now.  😱  I'll wait till it gets a bit warmer and the colds/flu viruses start easing up, thanks.  Apparently, the bus pass also entitles me to half fare on a couple of the dial-a-ride door-to-door minibus services that operate locally, which is good news - it means we'll be able to get to GP or other appointments which aren't served by normal bus services.

Very cold again today (no snow here though), I'll be putting bed linen on the line but I'm sure it won't fully dry out there.

Oh, husband must have argued himself out on Sunday, he was ok yesterday, just a normal level of contrariness which is easier to deal with.

Sigh. And planning for tomorrow and future meals

 Thank you once again for comments, it's a relief to know that some of you do understand.

Husband has been in one of his super-argumentative moods today, several times I've had to say "Ok dear, whatever you say" and just walk away into the bathroom or my bedroom with the door firmly shut, as it's the only way to stop his constant arguing, he could and would argue until the cows come home.  Or until I give in and agree he's right.  Even when he isn't.  It's exhausting.  Hopefully he'll have calmed down tomorrow.

My new mattress is arriving tomorrow, it's one of those 07.00am to 6.00 pm deliveries.....not very helpful but that's life, we're not going out anywhere so it doesn't really matter.  I'll have to be up early though - well, I'm always up early anyhow - in order to strip my bed off, the delivery firm are bringing a big bag to put the old mattress in and take it away, thankfully.  It would be preferable if they come in the morning - I don't really want to be getting the bed made up in the evening, I've got no energy left by then.  I've got all my new bedding and pillows out ready to go on the bed.

I chopped a load of veg up this morning to go in the slow cooker, making husband a lamb stew, he'll be having it today and tomorrow, with leftovers being frozen (if there are any, he serves himself up bigger portions than I do, so I'll have to make sure I do it!).  I also did a trayful of potatoes and parsnips and roasted them in the Ninja, I'll have some with my nut roast today, the rest to freeze.

This afternoon I've just sat reading, I'm feeling a bit run down and tired and my shoulder and lower back are really painful again.  No snow here and none forecast either, but it is very cold - 3 deg but feeling colder, and -1 overnight.  It's been quite sunny though, and should be still for the next 3 or 4 days, but it's deceptive - makes you think it might be warmer outside when it's not.  I've been putting washing out the last few days but by the end of the day it's still not dry so has to be finished off on the airer or in the airing cupboard.....at least it has that nice fresh outdoorsy smell though from being on the line for a few hours.

Following my freezer and larder inventory the other day, I sat and wrote out 24 days worth of dinners using what we have, I could probably stretch to another few days extra with the addition of some bought in veg.  I still seem to have loads of cheese in the fridge, it barely seems to be going down at all!  I'll have to make some veggie & cheese pasties or quiches, there's pastry in the freezer and I've got plenty of eggs.

Following on from the previous post

 I think I need to make a few things clear, as I seem to be getting a lot of unsolicited advice from people who have no real knowledge or understanding of how things are.  I know you all mean well, and thank you for that, but - as has been said many times before - unless you are in my shoes, living my life and married to my husband, the likelihood is you have very little idea of how things work.

So....

1.  Husband does not have a social worker.

2.  There is no medical treatment for Cognitive Impairment (CI), unlike some forms of dementia which can be helped or slowed down at least by some medications.  There are no specific groups, courses or specialist nursing staff for CI, unlike for dementia.  After husband had his tests, he was given a written diagnosis and then it was 'Goodbye then, mind how you go' and he was promptly discharged there and then from the service.  The consultant psychologist did apologise, but said there was nothing further she could do.

3.  We did once attend a group session called the Forget-me-not club, mainly for dementia sufferers.  Husband hated it and refused to go again, I can't say as I blame him as we could both see it wasn't geared towards him and his CI at all.

4.  Yes I would like a break, but how exactly does anyone think that is going to happen?  We have no family or close friends nearby, I don't have transport, I'm not the sort of person who would be happy having a hotel or cottage break on my own or with a load of strangers.

5.  Husband is not disabled enough, physically or mentally, to go into a nursing home, he doesn't fit the criteria for a respite break either.

6.  Whatever things some people suggest, the chances are I've already tried it.  

7.  Yes I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes, and I often vent on here - but that's all it is, just venting, letting off steam!  If I can't do that on my own blog, when/where can I?  Once I've got things off my chest, I'm generally ok again.

The bottom line is, he's still my husband, regardless of his changed personality, we've been together nearly 45 years and I'm not going anywhere, I promised his daughter that I would look after him to the best of my ability and until one of us dies and I will keep that promise.  I most certainly do feel like running away sometimes, but even if I did get to that point, I'm sure it would only be for a matter of hours!  Where would I go anyway? (see Point 4 above).

Oh, and I am definitely not a martyr - I'm just a woman/wife coping with things and doing my best in the only way I know how!

Understanding husband's Cognitive Impairment (CI)

 Thank you for all the comments once again.  I think it might be helpful to give a reminder about what CI is - and the fact that husband suffers from it.  The following list of symptoms is taken from an NHS website:-

What is a Cognitive Impairment?

Cognitive Impairment is the medical term for problems with any aspect of thinking ability. 

Symptoms of a Cognitive Impairment can include:

Memory problems

Understanding

Reasoning

Organizing

Problem solving

Decision making 

Attention

Difficulty interpreting the world around (visual-spatial skills)

Speech and language

Husband has all of the above.  He was clinically diagnosed with CI around 4 or 5 years ago, following a brain scan and a series of cognitive tests conducted by a consultant psychologist, which I attended with husband having been asked to by the psychologist.  He also has a number of behavioural changes too - apathy, indifference, lack of empathy, inappropriate talk and behaviour, delusional ideas and obsessional behaviour.  The psychologist explained to me that CI can be, although not always, a precursor to various forms of dementia - whilst not everyone with CI automatically goes on to develop dementia, many do - people with CI are statistically much more likely to develop some form of dementia - there are many types although everyone generally thinks of Alzheimers first.

Husband has historically always been known for being very laid back, easygoing, very humorous (life and soul of the party), very kind and helpful, very industrious - he'd always worked hard, both at work and at home.  That man who I was married to for decades has pretty much vanished, being replaced with a virtual stranger who I no longer recognise, except for very brief flashes.  He's now obstinate, argumentative, confrontational, lazy, tells lies, with a short term memory that is completely shot to pieces.  Oh and did I mention obstinate? - that's one of his most annoying traits.

So 'normal' requests for husband to do something don't really work.  Nor does writing a list of jobs, as some of you have suggested - I've tried that and it just doesn't work.  In any case, he's also severely dyslexic so reading/writing aren't easy for him.

The past couple of days he has actually done a few little jobs I've requested, with a few reminders and some firmness on my part.  Persistence and standing firm is the key, but in a calm manner.  Adjusting my own behaviour is also necessary - I basically need to stop doing everything myself simply because it's quicker and easier and avoids the grumbles, complaints and arguments I get from him.  But then I'm left feeling resentful and frustrated, which ends up spiralling.

Life is not easy nowadays, hasn't been for a couple of years as husband's CI has progressed.  However, I'm determined to try and improve things, for both of us, this year....or the reality is I'll end up having a breakdown or walking out.

Start as I mean to go on

 So, besides being proactive this year, I've been thinking about what I want to achieve.  The little legacy I received a couple of months ago was a huge boon, it's enabled me to achieve all of my Needs and Wants list for last year.  I've spent quite a lot these last couple of weeks on the new mattress, bedding, assorted small kitchen and bathroom things, and now I don't want - or need - to spend any more.  Husband has a couple of biggish purchases in mind - that's fine, they're quite sensible things so nothing I need to try and talk him out of, and he's got the money in his own account for what he wants.  I'd like to concentrate on building up a fair amount of savings, to give me some peace of mind that I'll have sufficient savings to cover any appliance breakdowns, or major vet bills - Betty is insured but only for a relatively modest amount, things like x-rays or operations cost £100s, £1000s even and would soon exceed the insured amount.  Her insurance premium has risen by a vast amount due to her age and breeds, shar peis and bulldogs (she's a cross of both) cost more to insure because of genetic health problems, ironically none of which Betty suffers from.  The legacy has given me a headstart on this, I've a good amount of savings already but will keep on building this up.

I've done a freezer and larder inventory this morning, including the 2 larder boxes under my bed.  I've got the makings of probably 4 weeks of meals, if not more, which I'm pleased about, my shopping spend for January should be very low, needing only milk, bread for husband (I've got 2 sourdough loaves for myself in the freezer, which will last me at least a month), fresh fruit and, towards the end of the month, fresh veg.  So the money I don't spend on shopping can go into savings.

I've also decided to change the way that things get done around here.   Normally, what happens is that in the mornings I get on with the jobs I need to do, and then do a few things that husband should be doing but often doesn't.  The reason being that I get fed up of asking and being ignored and getting resentful at him just lounging around doing nothing.....so I just get on and do it myself, because these things need doing, someone's got to do them and so I do for the sake of a quiet life and because I want them done.  There's no point in me hoping that he'll realise that a) or b) needs doing and get on with it, his mind just doesn't work like that, he's pretty much oblivious.  And I guess, as one or two of you have mentioned, I'm enabling him to sit and do bugger all and expect me to do everything - because I do it!  So from now on he's going to do a few more jobs - all of which he is perfectly capable of, it's just a case of me asking him once, then possibly reminding him once, and then if necessary get the big guns out and insist he does it now!  I have also had a chat with him this morning and said he's got to do more as it's not fair to expect me to do everything.  He agreed quite amiably, but will of course need reminding from time to time.  So that's the start of me being proactive!