A nice start to the weekend

 A few nice things to start the day off.  Firstly, I got a good night's sleep, yesterday I popped into town and bought a sleep mask and some CBD oil.  I used to use that a few years ago, it really helped me to relax and sleep, I'd stopped buying it because I was needing to use a bit more as my body got used to it, and it's quite expensive.  Well, it was worth it for the best sleep I've had in a week.  

The builder isn't here today, he does sometimes come to work next door on Saturday mornings but not today, thank goodness.  And neighbour and his brother seemingly aren't doing any work next door either, so it's a peaceful day by the looks of things, how lovely, I shall relish it.  I thought I might do a bit more in the garden, or even sit in it, however, having just been outside it's still pretty hot - not as scorching as a few days ago, but still too hot for me to be out there for more than a few minutes.

I can't remember if I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, but my wedding ring needed a small repair.  It's actually a replacement ring, not my original one - I have quite short, chubby fingers so wearing wedding, engagement and eternity rings together was uncomfortable.  Having thought about it, I decided I'd like one ring that did the job of all three, if you see what I mean.  So around a dozen years ago - actually more like 15 I think - husband got me a kind of eternity ring, it's wider at the top than underneath so is more comfortable when I bend my fingers.  It's white gold, plated with rhodium (so is very shiny), bevelled along the top half to form a sort of channel, it's set with a line of 5 tanzanites (gorgeous mauve colour) along the middle, with a row of tiny diamonds each side of the tanzanites.  I absolutely love it, it's the best thing husband has ever bought me.  I chose it, incidentally, although he likes to tell people he did 😉.  I went and collected it from the jewellers this morning, the repair has been done to a very high standard (can't even see it) and they very kindly replated the rhodium so it's exceptionally shiny again and looks brand new.  I'm so pleased, it did feel very strange not having it on my finger the past couple of weeks.

The children are back to school next week, so there'll be less tourists around.  It'll be a fair bit cooler (how lucky have families been this past week?) with some showers, but hopefully enough sunny periods to enable us to go for some beach promenade walks and cream teas in nice tea gardens, which we don't do during school holidays.

Thank you for the lovely comments, as usual, I do appreciate them.

Where's a desert island when you need one?

 I had another restless and uncomfortable night, although it was a bit cooler it still wasn't cool enough to sleep comfortably, and my shoulder was really painful, I just couldn't get comfy no matter which way I lay.  The lack of sleep this past week is really beginning to affect me.

This photo was taken from my kitchen window this morning:-

The builder in his digger working just the other side of our fence, he's digging trenches, you can see just how close it is to us.  The neighbour and his brother are also out there, shovelling earth into wheelbarrows and tipping it onto the huge pile at the entrance of the garden, they're all shouting to each other to be heard above the din.  It's just so bloody irritating, we cannot sit or work in the garden with all that racket going on.

I know I'm finding it all the more irritating because I'm sleep-deprived, but noise has always been my biggest bugbear and it's been relentless these past few days.  I'm in danger of it really beginning to affect my mental health, so I've shut all the windows at the back of the house, closed my bedroom curtains and sprayed my room with a calming lavender and chamomile spray.  I'd get husband to take us all out somewhere but I know it'll be busy (Fridays always are, being one of the Butlins changeover days) and he'll moan anyway, he never really wants to go out anywhere, unless it's something he wants to do.

That desert island is looking very tempting today......

I've got my first (and probably only, if previous experience of physio round here is anything to go by) physio appointment on Monday, then Hayley my cleaner is coming later.  Tuesday my new fridge is arriving, one of our neighbours said she'd like my old one (there's nothing wrong with it, it's just too small) as hers is on the way out so I'll need to empty the contents into my big cool box and give the fridge a good clean.  That'll all keep me occupied for the first couple of days.  If the noise next door continues later in the week, then I will encourage husband to take us all out....if he really doesn't want to (and he can be downright stubborn and obstinate nowadays) then I'll go on the bus by myself.  Thank goodness the builder won't be here all weekend, so we'll hopefully get a bit of respite.

Hot and sticky weather causing aggro here

 I know some areas had rain and thunderstorms during the night (my sister did in the Midlands), but we certainly didn't here, it was another hot and sticky night.  When I got up just after 5 am (couldn't sleep as it was so humid) the house was so muggy and hot, I opened all the windows and the back door straight away - we do have a couple of small windows open during hot nights, but not the big ones, due to security issues living in a bungalow - although I'm sure Betty would alert us to anyone breaking in.  I let Betty out in the garden for a wee, it did feel much fresher out there.....it's got hotter again this afternoon.  We're promised cooler weather from tomorrow, I do hope so.

I've just noticed that one of the roses, a very tall one with gorgeous dark red flowers, is absolutely smothered in black spot, literally every leaf I think.  I confess I did notice a few leaves with it on a couple of weeks ago but didn't get round to cutting them off - and now look!  That'll teach me for not dealing with it promptly.  I know it's more prevalent in hot humid conditions (hello May!) and when the leaves are wet.  Husband waters the garden almost every day, he says he likes doing it, he uses the hosepipe....however, I've noticed when I'm at the kitchen sink washing up that he's very indiscriminate and casual with the hosepipe - he basically just liberally sprays the entire garden with the hose nozzle at waist height, he doesn't bend down to spot water anything at the roots.  And he won't be told - it's not worth the verbal aggro I get if I suggest he does anything different.  So now I think the best thing to do with that rose is to cut it right back to the ground and put all the pieces in the garden compost bag, along with all the fallen leaves - which will of course be taken to the tip, not put in our compost bins.  At the moment, the black spot doesn't appear to have spread to any of the other roses, but I expect it would only be a matter of time if I left that rose here.  A pity to have to cut it right down but I'm sure it'll grow again next year - I drastically cut back all the roses when we first moved here, as they were all wildly overgrown and neglected, and they all grew beautifully.

The builders next door have been quieter today, although neighbour and his brother (the labourers) have both been at work today, they arrived home at 3 o'clock and seem to have started working next door straight away.  It's a pity that the old barn is so close to us, it's only about 10 or 12 feet from our garden so we're able to hear pretty much every sound (unfortunately).  I expect we'll get used to it.  It's not only the builders themselves though, they're constantly having lorries with building supplies deliveries (the same builder is also simultaneously doing some more building work directly across the road, which has been ongoing for several weeks now).  Plus other lorries with a grabber thing on the back to pick up all the vast amounts of rubble that have been dug out both from across the road and the old barn next door, so it's Noise Central here and from 7.30-8.00 in the morning (7.00 am on one occasion, although complaints were made about that so they haven't repeated it).

It is getting on my nerves a bit right now, but I think that's down to the heat and lack of sleep bothering me.  Husband keeps bellowing at the dog too, again I think he's feeling the heat - as is Betty.  

Noise

 Work on converting the single storey old barn next door to a 2 storey holiday home has started in earnest now, there are 3 blokes working out there - the builder, our neighbour and his brother, both of whom seem to be supplying the labour.  There's a digger in operation and some kind of machinery inside the barn, sounds like a cement mixer maybe (what do I know?  I can't see it so am just guessing, I'm not familiar with building tools).  The 3 blokes are all shouting to be heard above the noise.  The neighbour's son, a lad of around 6, is also out there, his mother has gone to work so I guess the father has no option but to have the kid with him, which doesn't seem very sensible (or safe) on a building site - not my business though.  The child, who's pleasant enough, is one of those kids who is constantly talking, he's calling out "Dad, dad, DAAAAD" all the time, asking multiple questions and then when he finally gets an anwer, it's "Why?  Dad, why?  WHYYYY?".  I'm trying to keep occupied indoors and stay calm, but on a hot day with all our windows and door open, it's impossible to not notice all the noise and upheaval.  At least they haven't got a ghetto blaster blaring out! (yet).

I don't particularly want us to go out - too hot and school hols - I wouldn't want to leave Betty home alone with all that noise going on and she's not really happy in the car nowadays, she whines and seems uncomfortable.  It's also too hot for a dog in the car.  As with most annoying things, I'm sure we'll get used to the noise sooner or later.

Husband got me a really nice anniversary card.  He's nearly always found lovely cards over the years, apart from a couple of errors like birthday cards on our anniversary, or vice versa, and one saying "On your anniversary" rather than "our".  He did once years ago give me a so-called humorous card which was actually quite offensive, he never made that mistake again.  His gift giving has been somewhat erratic over the years, it was usually a case of me buying what I want and him giving me the money for it.  Nowadays, by mutual agreement, we've stopped getting each other presents, it's too much pressure for him (and me, come to that) and quite honestly after all this time there's not much we actually want or need.  A nice meal out, or bought in, is just fine.

The last 2 nights have been just too hot, sticky humid heat meaning none of us have had much sleep.  One more night of similar and then from tomorrow onwards it's forecast to be much cooler, thank goodness.

Keeping cool, anniversary food and litter dumpers

 I'm in my bedroom (my room and the bathroom are the coolest rooms in the house) with Betty, we have the table top oscillating fan on, it's just right and we're comfortable.  Husband is in his usual place in the lounge in front of the TV, with some violent film on, there's a bigger floor fan in there.  It's definitely too hot for any of us to sit in the garden.  Betty only got an early morning walk yesterday and today, the pavements as well as the air are too hot for her later on in the day, it's still too hot late in the evening.  We let her go in the garden for a quick wee, she sometimes lies in the sun for a couple of minutes but then we get her in, if she hasn't already decided to come in.  She has 2 bowls of water which we refresh during the day, she's coping well enough at present.  We do have a cool mat for her but she refuses to lie on it!

This morning I was at the library for when it opened at 9 am, returned my books but didn't get any more as I have some I bought from a charity shop last week.  Went shopping for another top up of veggies and fruit, we're certainly getting through a lot at the moment, mainly because of the hot weather meaning I'm not doing much cooking.  Tomorrow is our anniversary, we don't want to go out (did that last week) with it being school hols.  I don't really want to spend ages cooking either, so we decided to get one of those Dine in for Two offers, a main course, a side, dessert and drink.  Obviously husband and I don't eat the same things, with him being a carnivore and me pescatarian (or what was it one of you lovely readers called me, oh yes a flexitarian, which I like).  So choosing something we'd both eat was a bit of a challenge but we got there in the end, with a bit of compromise - something he likes, something I like, and something we both like.  We'll have some green veg on the side.  As for the drink bit - well, neither of us generally drinks alcohol, the soft drinks in the offer weren't anything either of us would drink, husband would have had zero alcohol beer but they didn't have the 2 that were included in the offer 😒.  So he got a bottle of red wine, he'll drink it over several days.  I'm happy with half-and-half water and fruit juice, it's what I usually drink anyway, other than my 2 or 3 cups of coffee per day.

43 years is a very long time to be married, certainly nowadays when young people, if they get married at all, seem to treat it as something disposable and easy to just walk away from at the first sign of trouble.  It's so sad that things aren't working out the way we'd have hoped, but that's life, we're both still here albeit not as we were before.  Nobody can know what the future's going to hold, we just have to get on with things the best way we can.

On Thursday husband has the dentist again, for his denture fitting, so that means I get to do a bit of shopping/browsing on my own, which is always nice.  And by then the weather will have cooled down to a more manageable temperature, although it's not till Friday that there's a significant drop.  I'm not complaining, but hot sun doesn't really suit me, I much prefer the temperature to be around the early 20s mark.

Locals on our social media pages have been complaining (and showing photos) of the amount of rubbish dumped along the promenade, and even on the beach.  To be fair, most of the rubbish on the promenade is around the litter bins, which by the end of the day are all full to overflowing.  The rubbish is mostly takeaway food containers and leftover food, which obviously gets attacked and spread around even further by all the gulls.  However, people have been putting on photos of abandoned beach shelters, broken folding chairs, inflatable boats and even a paddling pool.  For goodness sake!!  You can tell it's school holiday time and I guess (although this is of course a generalisation, not everyone is like it, before I get jumped on) the sort of people who come on holiday to a huge noisy holiday camp are often the type of people who just toss rubbish away for someone else to deal with.  And it's not their home town, so they don't really care.  One of the downsides of living in a tourist area, I'm glad we live outside the town.  It's such a shame, this is a beautiful part of Somerset, there's the beach and plenty to do for families, and the gorgeous natural beauty of Exmoor just minutes away.  

Too many!

 I did another hour in the garden yesterday morning before it got too hot, there's still loads of clearing and weeding to do.  Those blimmin aquilegias - much as I love the colours, they're absolutely everywhere.  Last year we had I think about 2 dozen plants (none of which I'd put in), this year they've just gone berserk, there must be a 100 or more, they've completely swamped the beds.  I don't want that many or even more next year so have been pulling up loads before they set seed.  Whilst I love the flowers, I'm not so keen on their leaves - they're so big and untidy and cover up everything else.  Having pulled out a lot already, I can now see some of the perennials I put in last year which hopefully can now grow unimpeded by all the aquilegia leaves.  There's still loads of clearing to do, I'll be doing an hour every morning until it's done.  All that rain we had in....February, was it?....followed by lots of odd days of bright warm sunshine - and now a whole week's worth of hot sun to come - has made all the plants absolutely shoot up and spread out everywhere, it's almost jungle-like.  There's also a lot of the dreaded thuggy bindweed, luckily it is easy to pull out, I've been chucking big handfuls of it into the garden green bag (which is going to the tip, we're not composting it!).  Obviously I can't get all the bindweed roots out so more of it will grow, I'll just have to keep pulling bits out every time I go out there.

I've realised that it will be difficult to put up the trellis panels right now, as the flower beds in front of the fence are so crammed with plants - we'd either have to pull loads out or tread on them to get to the fence.  So now I have to decide whether to pull some of the plants up or cut them back to ground level, sacrificing them for this year, or put off doing the trellis panels until later in the year when plants are dying back.  But that means we sacrifice our privacy in the meantime.  I guess it depends on how loud and intrusive the building work next door will be....there's only been 1 or 2 blokes at a time doing some minor prep work inside the old barn thus far, work hasn't properly started yet, so it's not been much of a problem.  Decisions, decisions.  

I've temporarily given up with the navy cardigan, I'll finish it later.  I decided I want a short-sleeved white and lemon one for summer, so I've started on that.  Did 3 rows of the back yesterday and realised I'd miscounted the foundation chain, it's about 2" too short so the cardi won't be wide enough....frogging back here I come.  At least I realised quickly so not much to redo.  It's going to be an even hotter day today so once I've done my hour of garden work, I shall spend the rest of the day indoors, probably crocheting or reading, the heat saps my strength.  It's fairly cool in our bungalow, thank goodness.

School hols and hot weather make trouble

 Scarlet, I hope your mouth healing is going well and you're soon able to start eating some of the things that you like.  June, you're so right - it is the good days that keep us going.  Husband has been fairly stable, less argumentative and more upbeat the past few days which is nice, although I doubt it will continue.  HH, did you get your patio and steps power washed without melting in the heat?!

We both did a couple of hours of garden work yesterday before calling it a day, both of us had protesting backs and the heat was becoming too much for me, so I came inside with Betty to cool off whilst husband sat on the patio chair basking in the sunshine.  He loves the sun, I don't, I'm fair-skinned and burn easily and too much sun gives me a headache and makes me feel nauseous.  I've really caught the sun on the back of my neck and have a couple of itchy insect bites already.  There's more to do in the garden but we're going to be doing it in the mornings before the sun gets too hot.

Can tell it's school holidays - we had kids playing knock down ginger yesterday evening, happens pretty much every school hols.  There's a new family moved in nearby, they have 4 young teenagers or younger kids (and several cats) - I'm not saying it's them, not spoken to or seen them close up so have no idea what they look like.  They've been put in the old warden's flat on our estate (we've not had a resident warden since before we moved in, cutbacks I expect), which seems a bit odd, putting a young family into the middle of a sheltered housing over 55s and disabled estate.  Our housing officer said that a couple of the kids have special needs, they've already had complaints about the kids running riot, making a lot of noise, racing through the estate on bikes (no cycling allowed here, which they're clearly taking no notice of), and the cats crapping in people's gardens, so maybe they won't be here long.

As for the kids knocking and running away.....husband leapt up to answer the door, which I've expressly asked him not to do - I have pointed out before that if someone knocks mid or late evening it's unlikely to be anyone we know, especially at the front door, which we rarely use.  And we have a peep hole anyway!  He said there was nobody there but could hear giggles nearby - they hide behind the trees and hedges around the edge of our lawn.  I've asked (again) that he ignores it from now on - I'll remind him again if/when it happens next time - as if we don't react by opening the door, then they'll get bored and go somewhere else.  It's the reaction from us they want.  Little twerps - but I'm sure we all (or most of us) did it when we were kids, I know I did.

Problem relative is being a pain in the bum again, must be the hot weather winding him up.  He was texting last night and this morning about something so trivial it's not even worth mentioning, but he's making a mountain out of a molehill, as usual.  I've told him he's over-thinking and overreacting (which probably means I'll get a right barrage of abusive messages later on) and have temporarily blocked him.

I made a big veggie and cheese crustless quiche yesterday and cut it into 8 slices, that'll do us for lunches with some salad.  Husband asked if we're having a roast dinner today, I said no, it's far too warm for that.  We'll have something out of the freezer microwaved, with salad.

Lovely anniversary meal

 Lunch out yesterday was lovely, it was sunny and warm without being too hot, albeit a bit on the humid side.  We ate in the tea room garden, there were only a handful of other customers so it was very quiet.  My favourite lunch there is the toasted crumpets, topped with grilled cheese and either pesto, marmite, chilli jam or red onion marmalade - on this occasion I had the chilli jam.  It comes with a huge salad, coleslaw and root veg crisps:-

By the time I remembered to take a photo, I'd already eaten some of the salad and coleslaw, although it may not look like it - the plate was piled high almost to overflowing.  Husband had a Ploughman's with both wedges of mature Cheddar and thick cut ham, plenty of salad and pickles and granary bread - he'd eaten half of his so I didn't take a photo.  The little pot on my plate was balsamic glaze, which was delicious, thick and syrupy with a sweet and tart taste.  I couldn't finish everything, as is normal for me, but husband ate what I left.  We wanted a slice of one of their delicious homemade cakes but were too full to have it then, they are happy to provide it to go in recyclable cardboard boxes:-

Banana, pecan and salted caramel sponge - massive slices (just one between us would have done), we ate them after a very light tea of scrambled egg later on.  The cake was delicious but too sweet really for my taste (and diabetes).....still, we only have an anniversary once a year! (just as well!).

Husband has osteo in an hour or so, he's dropping me off at the supermarket to stock up on fresh veg and fruit.  We've eaten a few carby things lately so I want to do a very low carb week and, in view of the forecast hot weather for the whole of the coming week, we'll be eating a lot of salads with tinned or fresh fish, cottage cheese and eggs, with sausages or chicken for husband.  

We need to get out in the garden, in the mornings before it starts getting too hot for me - most of the aquilegias have now finished flowering so I want to pull all those up.  The bluebell bed is also now ready to be cleared, and some of the roses need tying in to their supports....everything is growing so well it's becoming a bit of a jungle out there.  In a week's time we should have our first yellow courgettes to harvest, which is nice.

Lunch out today

 Thank you for the lovely comments about my garden - we've both worked very hard to get it how it's looking now, we love how it's evolving.

Wow, only 10 am and it's already very warm, but it's a muggy humid heat which I'm not very keen on.  I was wearing a lightweight fleece jumper when I went out to put the washing out 30 mins ago, I've now changed into a summer cotton top, it's that warm.  And even higher temps forecast for the next week or so - amazing since it's bank hols on Monday and a school half term week.  Very nice for families and children.

We're going out for lunch today to our favourite tea room in Allerford, an early anniversary treat.  Our anniversary is actually next Wednesday but, as it's school holidays, we're not planning on going anywhere then, everywhere will be heaving with tourists.  We were supposed to be going tomorrow, but husband (predictably) forgot and booked himself another osteopath appointment.  Not that it matters.  

Having received the yarn for the summer cardigan I'm going to make, I was eager to get started on it.  But I couldn't find the 2 hooks I need, they weren't in my hook case (another one was also missing), nor in any of the boxes and bags containing yarn and a couple of unfinished projects.  For the record, I only have a fraction of the yarn supplies I used to have before we moved here, I gave away a lot before we moved.  Since we've lived here I've also given a couple of carrier bags of odd balls to charity shops, plus another bagful to my SiL when she came down last time....I suppose it's possible I may have put the hooks (in a place where I could find them!! haha) away in the bags.  So I gave in and ordered the 3 missing sizes of hooks from Wool Warehouse (what's the betting I'll find the original ones?!), they came this morning.  I do actually have spares, the ordinary metal ones I've had for years, but I can't use them anymore, holding such narrow hooks gives me cramp in my fingers and hands.  So some years ago I treated myself to a complete set of KnitPro Waves hooks with thick rubber handles - I love them, so much more comfortable and no cramping now.  I'll get started on the crochet this afternoon.....as we're out for lunch I won't have to cook dinner later, we'll just have cheese and biscuits with a bit of salad.

Betty does shed hair all year round but is currently shedding enough to make another dog, we have to hoover at least every other day.  We do brush her every couple of days but she's still shedding loads, I'm surprised she's not bald.  She's double-coated, which apparently means she sheds more anyway, she's not unwell, has a healthy diet with salmon oil added to her food several times a week so she gets plenty of omega-3, so I'm not especially worried.  She does tend to get allergies, especially in spring and summer, so maybe that's it - I've noticed my hayfever is worse and lasting longer this year, I normally only get it for 3 or 4 weeks in early spring, perhaps she's feeling the effects too.  Our vet a few years back recommended we give her an ordinary (off the shelf) antihistamine tablet, he said we could give her 1/2 or 1 a day, or every other day, which is what he did for his own dog.  I'd actually forgotten about that, I'll start giving her 1 today.

Garden stuff

 This photo was taken yesterday on my phone from my kitchen window on a rainy day, so apologies for the quality and poor light.  

But that view gives me so much pleasure - a pretty little garden stuffed full of plants, lots of which are starting to flower.  They've really filled out the space nicely and the new rockery is looking lovely.  I've bought trellis panels to go on top of that fence, once they're up and covered with plant growth it'll give us so much more privacy.

Actually getting the trellis put up is proving something of a problem - well, we've not started yet because of the cold wet weather over the past week or so.  This is the sort of job which husband would have done quite easily in the past, and on his own....now it's a different story.  I've said I'm happy to help him but the trouble is he's getting himself tied up in knots trying to work out how to do it - he over-complicates things nowadays, he insists on a 'right' way of doing things which to my mind just seems to make things unnecessarily difficult.  But he won't be told, he dismisses my ideas because I "don't know what I'm talking about", I'm not a builder apparently.  Well no I'm not, but I can think straight and see a simpler way of doing things.  He's going on and on about brackets and T-bars (??) and is confusing himself, never mind me!  I think I might have to seriously consider finding and paying someone to come and do it for us, to save the sanity of both of us.  Trouble is though, a couple of neighbours have each been trying to get someone local to do jobs in their gardens (some fence work in one case) but have had no luck, it seems handymen or gardeners are all booked up for weeks/months ahead, or just unwilling to do the work for whatever reason.  I'll work something out, I'll give it some more thought.

New goodies ordered

 Thank you for the comments, it's much appreciated.  Wouldn't it be lovely if we did all live close to one another and could meet up for coffee?

Husband was ok yesterday, mainly due to our cleaner being here, he's always chatty and cheerful when people are here.  He did start shouting at the dog again in the evening, she seems to come to life and want to play in the evenings, which is a bit unfortunate as we're tired and just want to relax by then.  I said we should try playing with her or doing things to tire her out in the afternoon, perhaps she'll be more inclined to relax come the evening then.

I've just ordered something to make my life a bit easier - a new fridge!  I'm finding it harder to put things away and get them out of our present fridge, which is a normal under the counter height one - it's just too low and hurts my back and hips.  The one I've ordered is about a foot taller, so medium height - I need to have my Ninja multicooker on top of it so I can't have a really tall one.  And the salad drawer in the new one is up a bit higher than my present one, which is almost at ground level - very difficult to get stuff out of unless I sit on a low stool.  It's coming the week after next, which was the earliest date with free delivery.

I've also ordered some DK yarn from Wool Warehouse, to make myself a summer cardigan.  I've got lightweight cardis in white, grey and black but wanted a navy and white one.  The chunky warm purple one I'm making for winter is coming along well, I'm about halfway through the back now.  When the new yarn arrives I'll put the winter one aside (I don't need it for several months yet anyhow) and start on the summer one.  Although I've always crocheted since my early teens, I have to be in the mood for it, which I hadn't been for quite some time.  But I am now (probably to do with the wet cold weather), so hopefully I'll get the summer cardi done quite quickly.  Although, having said that, it looks like we're going to be having a mini heatwave by the end of this week!

I never wanted kids but now I've got one

 Husband is getting more and more impatient with Betty as the days go by.  Occasionally she acts up a bit, throwing her toys around, thrusting them at our feet and barking a lot - she clearly wants us to play with her and needs some attention or stimulation.  If I'm busy, I'll just quickly throw a toy for her and tell her I'll play with her in a minute, and keep repeating it until I've finished whatever job I'm doing.  Husband mainly just ignores her, or shouts at her when he's had enough of her barking.  He did that yesterday - he was lazing in his recliner watching TV, obviously couldn't be bothered to play with her and ended up threatening to hit her with the fly swatter.  I asked him not to threaten her, whereupon he snapped "as if it would hurt her!  Well she should behave herself then shouldn't she?!".  To which I replied that she's not a child, she's an animal, so doesn't understand the concept of behaving herself.  He then bit back with "Well you're always saying she does understand us" - and followed it up by saying "and if you (meaning me) don't behave yourself you'll get the same thing!" whilst shaking the fly swatter at me.  Now, whilst I know he was just kidding and wouldn't really hit me with the swatter (or anything else), I was more offended by him saying I should BEHAVE myself!  What a bloody cheek!  HE'S the one who now behaves like a brattish teenager - and I never did want kids.

This morning he's shouted at her again because she was barking trying to get his attention - he was sitting at his computer playing a game.  I was in the kitchen having just got the washing out of the machine, checking the weather app on my phone to see if it was worth putting the washing on the line - showers are forecast today - so I said to husband that Betty just wanted him to play with her.  Whereupon he snapped his usual "Can't you do it?".  Which infuriated me, I reminded him there were two of us in this house and I was busy, whereas he was simply playing games.....which led to a row.

This is my daily life now - and I do mean daily.  Every day is a battle, he is constantly answering me back, arguing with me over silly little things and constantly moaning - oh, the moaning!  It really gets me down.  All whilst he's playing on his computer or lying in his recliner chair endlessly (and aimlessly) flicking through the TV channels.  

I promised his daughter a couple of years ago that I would always look after him, and I will - but it's getting harder to do that whilst hanging onto my sanity. 

Before anyone starts offering me (unasked for) helpful advice - I'm here with him, nobody else is, I cope with things in my own way.....by going in my bedroom with Betty (she follows me everywhere anyway) and shutting the door, and relieving the stress by letting off steam here on my blog.  Tomorrow is another day, hopefully it'll be a better one.  Hayley my lovely cleaner will be here tomorrow, husband is always chatty and friendly (putting on his usual front when anyone's here) when she's here.

Wonders will never cease

 Lovely sunshine today but a freezing cold strong wind.  Putting washing out this morning I had a thick fleece jacket on, by the time I'd finished and came indoors my face was frozen and I couldn't feel my fingers.  Thank goodness it's going to warm up by the end of next week.

I had a welcome surprise earlier - a phone call giving me a physiotherapy appointment on the 1st June, for my very painful shoulder.  Wonders will never cease.  And, also very welcome news, it's at our local community hospital so just a couple of miles down the road.  It's such a pain in the backside when we have to spend an hour travelling to the big general hospital in Taunton - plus parking there costs an arm and a leg, whereas the local hospital is free parking.

My hostas and bedding dahlias are being eaten to death by, I assume, slugs or snails.  And the blasted pigeons (there are loads round here) are devouring husband's veggies so he has to keep netting them (the little veg plants, not the pigeons!).  At least we've got some little yellow courgettes growing - no sign of the green ones fruiting yet, the plants seem to be much slower growing than the yellow ones.

I'm cracking on with my crocheted cardi, about a third of the back panel done, I'll show a photo soon.  

A bit of a 'nothing to report' time

 I see blogger is still messing about, now all the usual blogs that post daily in the mornings aren't actually appearing on my blog roll until hours later, despite them being written hours earlier.  I seem to get a flurry of blogs all at once later in the day, some though don't seem to appear at all, unless I go to each individual blog and find out they actually have written one that day.  Oh well, it's not exactly a major problem.

It was frustrating when we discovered via the phone call from the nurse that there wasn't going to be a quick diagnosis of husband's cognitive state, because of the long waiting time for further tests.  But as I said, it is what it is, nothing we can do but wait.  So back to normal daily life for us - well, what is our normal nowadays.  Husband seems to have accepted that the nurse didn't say he doesn't have dementia - not that he's mentioned it as such, rather the point that he's stopped mentioning it indicates that.  He had his first osteopath session yesterday, he said it was ok and the guy seems very nice, but he was disappointed that his backache hadn't miraculously disappeared....I said it doesn't work like that, he'll probably need a few sessions, his next one he's booked for Friday next week.  Which frustratingly is the day we were supposed to be going out for lunch for our anniversary, typically he'd forgotten.  Not that it matters really, we can go the day before.

It's been dull and chilly today with some pretty heavy showers, so the garden has been getting a good watering, we've even had a bit of thunder.  Changeable for the next few days, before it apparently starts warming up with more sunshine from the middle of next week.  I've had a relaxing day, doing some reading and crocheting - I pulled back the couple of rows I'd started on the 'winging it' casual cardigan, I decided I didn't like the way it was looking, I've restarted it in granny stitch instead.  Ooh, a flash of lightning just lit up the room!  Good job Betty's asleep and missed it, she'd have jumped up and started barking.  The rain is now a proper heavy downpour, which has now woken her up.  Exciting day today as you can see 😂😂

Finally!

 The nurse rang shortly before we were due to go out yesterday.  No definite diagnosis yet, they want husband to have an MRI scan and further in-depth neurological tests.  The scan should happen within the next few weeks.... however, there's a backlog with a waiting time of up to six months for the neuro tests.  Not very good but it is what it is.  In the meantime, we'll be having a phone call from a key worker every 4 weeks to check how we are.  And she reiterated that I can call the crisis team if I have any major concerns. Husband is just happy that he's not having his licence taken away from him in the immediate future, they consider that he's safe to continue driving for the time being.

Husband had his tooth out and moulds taken for his new dentures, he's going back for a fitting at the end of the month.  We went into B&M and bought some trellis panels to improve privacy between us and the neighbour who's having the work done.  I got 4 lovely t-shirts from Sainsbury's Tu range, I do like their clothes, good quality for a very reasonable price.  In the big cancer charity shop no books sadly, nothing that interested me anyway.  But I did see a lovely brand new, still with tags attached, pair of comfortable trainer-type shoes, no price on them so I asked one of the staff.  She had a look and said "£4, is that ok?".  Of course!!  I also bought a "tuff" (allegedly) purple hippo toy for Betty, I wonder how long it'll last?!

First two outings

 Well, still no phone call, I'm not worrying about it, I'm assuming there's a good reason for why the nurse hasn't rung yet.  Husband though has been going on and on about it, odd for someone who thinks the nurse told him that he doesn't have dementia.  Thank you for all the comments saying it's unlikely the nurse did tell him that, I would have thought that in the event she did actually come to that conclusion very quickly, she would have made a point of telling us both, rather than making a casual throwaway comment that only he heard.  I think it's more likely that husband misheard her say something and his disorganised brain made it into something else - he does this quite frequently and is always adamant that he's right.  We'll find out soon enough, I'm sure.

I'm having 2 outings by myself this week - well, husband is dropping me off in both instances, but it means I'll have browsing time by myself.  This afternoon he has a dental appointment (yet another tooth to be extracted) in Bridgwater, he'll drop me off at the retail park very close by.  There are a couple of shops I particularly want to look in, a big B&M (there isn't one here) and the big charity shop that does a huge range of second hand books.  If there's time I'll have a coffee in one of the coffee shops there.  

Husband has been complaining about his backache for some weeks now, he just complains without actually doing anything to help himself, except for taking painkillers 4x daily and sitting in his recliner chair saying he can't do anything as it's too painful (just sitting there for hours at a time is only adding to his backache, I've told him that the advice nowadays is to keep moving....as usual he doesn't listen to me).  I finally got fed up with him constantly moaning and told him to go and see either a physiotherapist or osteopath, I even found one for him and booked an appointment.  That's tomorrow afternoon in town, once again I'll get him to drop me off so I can have a nice wander around the shops.  I have a piece of favourite jewellery that needs a minor repair, so will go into the jewellers to get that done as well.  And there'll definitely be time for a coffee stop.

So that's a good start to my doing things independently of husband - 2 shopping, browsing and coffee trips in one week.

Husband actually mentioned our wedding anniversary this morning - it's our 43rd later this month.  He suggested we go to a local pub for dinner.....which was nice of him, if something of a surprise.  I'm not really keen on pubs though, especially in the evenings, I'd rather go for lunch to one of the many nice tea rooms we're discovering.  There's another one I've found, not far away on Exmoor in a little village that has a river running through it, very close to the tea room itself.  I've shown it to husband, it has excellent reviews, he likes the idea of their homemade pasties and cream teas with apparently very large scones, so we'll go there.

Me

 I've had another few unwelcome comments and emails - all from people who probably think they're helping, but the reality is they're just telling me what I should do.  The thing is, they're saying what they would do in the circumstances - why they think it's also what I (or anyone else for that matter) should do is beyond me, it's very presumptive and/or presumptuous.  They don't actually know me, they know only what I choose to put on my blog, plus we all have our own individual ways of doing things, we're not all clones.  Yes I do sometimes (quite often if truth be told) have a moan on my blog or even say that I'm having trouble coping with things.....why the hell shouldn't I?  It's my blog after all.  I say what I feel at that present time, it's not necessarily how I feel the next day.  I react to things in the moment, I'm not permanently in the doldrums or feeling under pressure.  Neither am I permanently happy and contented.  Is anyone?!

I've been making decisions and doing things all on my own pretty much all my life, certainly since the age of 13 when my dad buggered off and my mum went to pieces for a year.  I don't rely on anyone else - a lifetime of experience taught me to be self sufficient.  The only person you can rely on is yourself.

Husband told me yesterday that the psychiatric nurse told him before we left her office that he doesn't have dementia - I must have missed that because I didn't hear it, or else he misinterpreted whatever she said.  I find it difficult to accept she would have said that before she'd gone through his answers to all her questions and tests and scored them, and before discussing it with her superior or referring him for a brain scan.  If that's the (instant) conclusion she has actually come to, then I would be forced to ask how she would explain husband's profound decline in his cognitive abilities, or the drastic change in his personality and behaviour over the past few weeks?  And if she has indeed come to that conclusion on the basis of just one hour, a few brief tests and listening to him chattering away and joking all the time, then I would be very disappointed.  You have to live with him and see what he's like 24/7 to know how it is, or at the very least conduct more and wider ranging tests and investigations.  

I've decided I'm going to put myself first and start doing more things I want to do from now on - at the moment (well, for a long time now actually) my life revolves around doing everything in the home and for husband, it's all about what he wants or doesn't want to do.  E.g. he never wants to go anywhere - well, nowhere that I suggest, he does seem to like going off by himself to Bridgy on the free shoppers bus.....incidentally, he usually buys himself things whilst he's there, occasionally even something for Betty, he never buys anything for me.  I've had my bus pass for a few months now and never used it yet, so I'm going to start going into town - by myself - on the bus once or twice a week.  I may even start going to some coffee mornings, talks or even exercise classes, I've seen there's a new chair-based gentle exercise group starting up in town next week, I might make enquiries about that.

Errands, diets, boring stuff really

 Firstly, one of you asked about me possibly having some counselling - no, that's not going to happen (my choice) but thanks anyway.  I'm fine, I was just frustrated yesterday that we never got the promised phone call, and thus have to wait a few more days before we find things out.  I appreciate there may have been a good reason why she didn't ring, but a quick text saying so would have been nice.  It didn't help that husband kept asking me every 30 mins or so, all day, if she'd rung yet.....as if I wouldn't have told him! 😒  It's all waiting around for anything NHS nowadays.

We've been out this morning for several errands - husband had his latest Covid booster, we went to the pet shop to stock up on the good quality food that Betty likes, plus some YuMove joint tablets for her, the cheap Tesco glucosamine for dogs she's been having for the past couple of years aren't having much effect now.  Since everyone raves about the YuMove tabs, I thought we'd give them a try - a lot more expensive but if they help her to be more comfortable and have less joint stiffness and pain then they're worth it.  We then went to the supermarket for a top up shop of fresh fruit and veggies, toilet rolls and some treats for the weekend - dry roasted nuts and a bit of chocolate.  I'm going to be continuing with the Portfolio/Mediterranean diet Mondays to Fridays for the foreseeable future, I'm enjoying it and it suits my way of eating.  At weekends though I'll be having a few not strictly allowed things like a little bit of chocolate, sourdough bread (I'm not having any bread Mon-Fri) and a little cheese - life without any cheese would be unthinkable!  I feel it will help me to stick with the more restricted diet M-F if I know I can relax it a bit at weekends.

Yesterday, husband was chatting to the neighbour who's having the old barn converted to a holiday home about his ongoing plans for it, he then came in and told me what the chap had said.  It was a bit convoluted and perplexing though, with a bit of going off at a tangent and changing of mind.....as is a lot of what husband says nowadays.....so I didn't really understand some of what he said.  I've just asked him to explain it to me again, and he's just told me a very different story to what he said yesterday.  Again, quite a regular thing nowadays.  So I'm still none the wiser.  It's almost like we need a translator!

Betty's a bit off colour again today, she was sick this morning - just the once though - and is being extra clingy.  I don't really think she's unwell as such, I think it's just the fact that she's getting older.  As we take her to the vet every few months for her ongoing yeasty ear infections, he always checks her over - listens to her heart, feels her body for lumps and looks in her mouth - and always pronounces her in good health, so I'm not overly worried about her - well, no more than normal.

I'll have to look on the catch-up channels for a film to watch tonight - there's never anything that interests us on TV Saturday evenings, it's all stupid game shows or reality tv rubbish.  I do like a good film, something thought-provoking and with a proper storyline.....husband though prefers anything sci-fi or violent, so it's a bit of a challenge to find something we'll both enjoy.  

Nothing!

 Well, the promised phone call from the psychiatric nurse didn't happen, so another several days before we find out anything.  This has been a tough week and I've just about had enough.

A difficult week, 6 months of not even being on the waiting list, and changing up my diet

 Things have been difficult this past week.  At the initial psychiatric nurse appointment last week, she kept asking for my input and opinions, which I duly gave her - truthfully, of course, there would be little point in lying.  Well, husband took exception to some of the things I said - as I've mentioned, he's in denial about a lot of things.....a couple of times he blatantly disagreed with me in front of the nurse.  Mostly, though, he kept his disagreement for when we were home.  For several days after the appointment, he was bad tempered, argumentative and verbally aggressive, on a couple of occasions he seemed to be determined to pick a fight.  At one point he demanded I give him a list of all the housework jobs I did, as he was of the opinion that he did just as much - if not more! - than I do.  Which is a load of baloney.  This is because the nurse asked him if he did any housework and he proceeded, very proudly, to tell her that he did all the hoovering and most of the washing up.  Rubbish!  So when she then asked me if I agreed with him, I said no and elaborated.  Incidentally, when he first said about doing all the hoovering, she looked at me with an amazed expression on her face and asked "OMG, where did you find him?!".  I really hope that was said tongue in cheek.

It's very wearing and demoralising to be constantly argued with and belittled, more than once I had to shut myself in my bedroom and shed some tears.  I find myself just agreeing with him more and more, even when I know he's wrong, just for the sake of peace, because otherwise he'll just go on and on about it forevermore.  Thankfully, by about Tuesday or Wednesday, he'd calmed down.  He's now gone on the free shopping bus to Bridgwater, so that means I get about 5 hours to myself.  He told Betty to behave herself when he went out - the thing is, she's no trouble at all when it's just me and her here, without him winding her up.

You may remember that 6 months ago I saw the musculoskeletal specialist at our surgery, due to a very painful shoulder.  She diagnosed a rotator cuff injury, although I was a bit skeptical about that as I've had that before, in the other shoulder, but this one feels quite different.  I'm not a specialist of course, I just know what my body feels like.  She referred me to physio and gave me a couple of exercises to do in the meantime, which haven't helped.  Anyhow, a few days ago I had a message from the physiotherapy department asking if I still wished to see them...I replied yes as I still have the pain and it's actually worse.  They then said that they would now put me on the waiting list!  So all this time there was me thinking I was on the waiting list when apparently I wasn't, only the referral list 🙄.  Goodness knows how long it'll be before I actually get to the top of the waiting list.  I had my 2nd shingles vax this week, so that's my medical stuff dealt with for the time being.  If only husband's was so straightforward 😕

Last week I was idly googling about how to lower cholesterol by diet, as my cholesterol is a bit high and eating a lot of cheese probably isn't helping.  I came across something called the Portfolio Diet which I'd not heard of before - it was designed by a doctor and is evidence-based, it's not a fad thing.  It's very similar to the Mediterranean diet, in that it's mostly vegetarian with a lot of veg and fruit and whole grains, so quite similar to the way I already eat.  However, it recommends actual daily amounts of 4 things - 50g plant proteins, e.g. pulses and legumes, veggie burgers, soya products.  45g nuts and seeds for healthy fats, protein and fibre.  20g of viscous or 'sticky' fibre, which is things like oats, barley, apples, oranges, aubergines.  And 2g (doesn't seem like a lot!) of plant sterols like Benecol products, cholesterol-lowering yogurt drinks.  Sounds good to me, so I've actually been following it this week, I've cut down drastically on my usual loads of cheese, substituting Cheddar and the like for small amounts of Edam and cottage cheese.  I've been eating salads for lunches with some couscous or brown rice, nuts and seeds, with a little balsamic/olive oil dressing.  Dinners have been stirfried veggies with chickpeas or butterbeans, walnuts and pumpkin seeds on a bed of cooked pearl barley or bulgur wheat.  I have an apple or orange for dessert.  I'm going to have a small amount of fish or chicken once or twice a week.  Husband is not following this at all, I wouldn't expect him to, he's eating his normal foods cooked mostly by me.  So far I'm enjoying it all.....I may change it up at weekends a bit so I don't start feeling deprived, such as having some sourdough toast or even sourdough crumpets (so much more satisfying and tasty than ordinary crumpets, in my opinion).  I'm having another blood test at the end of June, so it'll be interesting to see if my cholesterol is lower.

Temporary stop

 I'm not writing any posts for the time being.  Two reasons - I'm feeling low and stressed at the moment.  And the blogger issues are so frustrating - most of the regular blogs I read aren't showing up on the blog roll.  I presume this applies to my own blog as well, as evidenced by the lack of page views and comments recently.  I don't really see much point in writing posts that aren't going to be seen.

I'll be back in due course.

Introspection

 Firstly, about Blogger - For the past few days, I've noticed once again that blogs I read regularly, ones that post more or less every day, aren't appearing in my blog roll - yesterday and the day before, hardly any appeared and, if they did, only appeared hours and hours later than they published them.  If I go to each blog individually (Joy's, Sue in Suffolk, Chris from Always Smiling, e.g.) I can read their blogs and see that they've posted that day, but for some unknown reason, they're just not showing in the blog roll.  Is this happening to anyone else?  Any ideas?

Happy Introvert, I get where you're coming from with the comment about us retirees often being unaware of what day/date it is - happens to me sometimes.  However, on Friday when we were in the car en route to husband's appointment, we actually discussed the fact that it was a Friday, the 1st of May and a bank holiday weekend - the reason being that we hardly ever go out in the car on a Fri or Mon afternoon, as those are Butlins intake days which mean a lot more traffic.  By the time we'd got into the appointment and husband was asked the day and date just a few minutes later, he'd already forgotten.  So this was definitely a cognitive decline thing in his case, and not an 'I'm retired' thing.  He forgets things he's just been told or has discussed, almost instantly.

Husband is very good at putting on a front when in company, I think he wants to prove that he's 'normal' - he certainly did that during his nurse appointment on Friday.  He was all jolly, chatty and jokey, nothing like he is at home.  Last night I lay there thinking 'what if he pulls the wool over everyone's eyes, all the medical professionals he's seen/about to see, and they declare there's nothing wrong with him?'.  Obviously on a basic level that would be great....but it would then mean that I've made up all the problems and stresses I've had to put up with over the last few years and the ongoing deterioration in husband's cognitive state.  Or else that I'm the one going mad.  It's funny (well, it's not funny) how our minds go to a very dark place in the middle of the night.  Well, mine does.  I'm tired, so very tired, life has lost so many pleasures in the last few years.

The initial appointment

 The person husband saw yesterday was a psychiatric nurse, she was absolutely lovely.  The session followed the pattern of the previous appointments 5 years ago when husband was first diagnosed with cognitive impairment.  She first asked him a series of questions, asking for my confirmation or disagreement after each one.  There were some easy questions, such as what's the date, day of the week, year, husband's birthdate, mine, our wedding anniversary - all of which he got right, although he did struggle a bit with the date and day of the week, getting them right after 3 or 4 attempts.  She asked medical history questions, which I had to help with a few times.  Then she asked about present problems - husband was/is in denial about a lot of these and outright disagreed with me a few times.  I explained to the nurse that this is part of the problem in recent months - he's in denial and argumentative.

Husband then had to do a written test - in view of his dyslexia, the nurse read out the questions, he gave her the answers and she wrote them down for him.  These written tests were almost exactly the same as the ones he was given previously, I remembered most of them although husband didn't have much memory of them.  It was quite obvious to me that his mental abilities had declined quite a bit since the last lot 5 years ago, a few of the tests he struggled with quite a lot.

One slightly annoying thing was that husband kept cracking jokes and going off at a tangent with rambling stories which had little or no relevance to what he was being asked.  I'm fairly sure that he does this as a sort of defence mechanism, in order to disguise the fact that he's a bit nervous and isn't too sure of the answers he's supposed to give - I think the nurse realised that too.

She's now going to score all his answers and then discuss everything with her superior, the psychiatric consultant, next Thursday.  She will ring us next Friday with his recommendations and plan of action going forward - this may mean her coming here to do some further tests, or us going to their offices for  more detailed tests with the consultant.  He may also request a brain scan.  

So now it's a case of waiting for the next steps.  The nurse gave me a leaflet with details of lots of different agencies to contact for advice and help, both for acute or urgent situations or longer term help.

Husband, somewhat strangely, asked me when we got home if I'm now relieved that I don't have to put him in a care home just yet?  I replied the thought hadn't crossed my mind (although it obviously has his) as he's not at the stage of needing to be in a care home.  In any case, we're only right at the start of this journey as yet, I doubt we're yet done with all the questions, tests etc.  I do feel some relief that the ball has been set rolling, I'm being listened to and taken seriously, at last.  It's been a long time coming, quite frankly, and the last few years have been a great strain for me.  It's not easy when people think you're exaggerating, because they don't live with us and don't have any idea how things are on a daily basis!  There are some people I would very much like to say "I TOLD YOU, BUT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!" to their faces.

Looks like it's a mixed bag of weather for the next several days, with the temperature dropping a fair bit towards the end of next week.  I'm not planning on doing much for a day or two, I feel a bit wrung out, I think I was worrying about husband's appointment more than I was letting on.