I'm not putting up with it

 Husband had been wittering on about the Disney+ TV channel, his daughter and SiL had set it up for him on our TV the last time they were here, as a User on their account I think, I don't really know - all I know is he didn't have to pay for it.  Well, for some reason or other, the channel disappeared off our TV, I don't know why, and husband has been going on about it ever since.  So yesterday I set up an account on Disney+ for him, he said he was happy to pay for it out of his bank account.  As with anything tech-related, it wasn't easy - the passcode number displayed on our TV screen wouldn't activate the account, I kept getting a message on my phone saying the number wasn't recognised - why not?  It was the TV that generated the number!  And then husband asked why I wasn't getting a new number but instead trying to input the number belonging to his daughter and SiL!!  Erm, I had no idea it was their number (why would I even know that?  It just came up on the TV), and it was a pity he hadn't said that before I'd spent several minutes tearing my hair out wondering what on earth I was doing wrong 😠.  Anyway, it's done now and husband immediately - within 2 minutes of the account being set up - started watching some stupid superhero film 😒.  I would say at least it kept him quiet, but it doesn't as he commentates and talks all the way through anything on TV.  He also nodded off a few times 😒😒, I don't know why he bothers watching anything, he never sees all of any programme.

This morning I was outside early (by 8 am) putting washing on the line, it's forecast to start raining by 10 or 11 am.  It's already clouding over, so I asked husband to get the concertina airer out of the carport, check it for cobwebs and set it up in the hallway - it's very windy so might blow over if I left it in the carport.  He brought it in - covered in cobwebs and with a dead 8-legged thing hanging off it.  I've been a serious arachnophobe almost my entire life, I can trace it back to an occurrence in my childhood - even dead ones unnerve me, and husband knows this, of course.  I protested, but husband was completely scathing, making fun of my fear and even deliberately holding the airer right beside me.  He's become downright blinking nasty lately, for no good reason (would there ever be a good reason for deliberate nastiness?).  I told him off in no uncertain terms, reminding him how I'd set up the blasted Disney channel for him the day before and told him not to bother asking me for any similar favours in future.

Daily life with him is becoming ever more challenging.  As I've said many times, I know he can't help it - I do make allowances for that but I'm not putting up with nastiness, unwarranted criticisms and temper outbursts aimed at me for no reason.  I'm not a punching bag.

Weird things - in Blogland and in husband's mind!

 Something weird is going on in Blogland.  My last 2 posts have had huge amounts of page views - I don't normally check my stats, hardly ever in fact, but noticed just now that the page views for the last 2 posts were quite staggering - more than twice as many, almost triple in fact, than the norm.  I've noticed that a couple of other bloggers have said the same thing, so it's not just my blog.  What is going on?  Why would somebody (or something?!) suddenly start showing such a vast amount of interest in pretty unremarkable and mundane (well, mine is anyway) blogs?  How very odd....and slightly sinister, actually.  

Things have quietened down here over the last couple of days....until the next time, I expect.  Husband has been ok, not as sarcastic as usual, just his normal talkative and clumsy self.  He woke me up last night, shouting out "Sorry!  I hit the wall" - ironically, I hadn't heard him thumping the wall, only him shouting afterwards 😒  Once again it took me ages to get back to sleep, I hate being woken up in the night.

He's going through a phase of coming up with strange, madcap ideas - things he wants to buy, or things he wants to do or change in the garden or house.  Most of these ideas are for things that aren't necessary, or will involve too much work for very limited benefit, and when I ask him about them, he can't really explain why he wants to buy it or do it.  E.g. I noticed the other day he was looking at trolley jacks on his computer.....I asked why, he said he wanted to buy one (he had one before, it was one of the things he left behind in his shed at the last house).  "Why do you think you need one?" I asked - in case he needs to do some work underneath the car he replied.  Erm, we have RAC full cover so if any work is needed on the car, they will see to it, or take it to a garage who will do it.  And in any case, as I pointed out to him, with his age and health conditions he shouldn't be jacking up the car and getting underneath it for any reason.

He also bought a pressure washer off the internet (something else he had and left behind when we moved😠) - I asked why he needed it and he said to wash the car - he almost never washes the car, he maybe does it once a year!  "So now I'll do it twice a year!" was his reply.  He buys these things out of his own money in his own bank account, and I guess it's up to him what he spends his money on - I just think it's a waste of money.

He's talking about moving all our strawberries from one bed to another, and moving one of the raised beds to another place.....which will be a hell of a job, and for no good reason, it's perfectly fine where it is.  The only saving grace is that he'll most likely have forgotten about these things soon, so I don't think I've got any need to worry.  But he does have a tendency to do things behind my back, so there's a chance he might do something whilst I'm out for a few hours on the shopping bus trip.

The weather has definitely become autumnal - the temperature has dropped several degrees virtually overnight, we've had a bit of rain but not enough to make any significant difference to the garden as yet.  However, heavy showers are forecast for later today, and lighter showers pretty much every day for the next week, so the garden should be pleased.  It'll be a case of checking the local weather forecast and quickly doing some washing to get out between showers this week, I think.

Control starting to slip

 Thank you all once again for your support, it does help.  And yes YS, I absolutely do agree that he is aware of his cognitive decline, and I'm sure it does worry him.  Whilst that may be a reason for his behaviour towards me (and his general behaviour), it's not an excuse to be so scathing, critical and unappreciative - I'm his wife and carer, not his enemy.  Up till now he's generally been careful not to be snappy or downright rude towards me in public or when we have visitors, but I have noticed recently that his control is beginning to slip.  So I think it's only a matter of time before others around us have their eyes opened as to how he really is and what I have to cope with.....thus far, people we know, even family and friends, are quite sceptical when/if I tell them, as he seems quite 'normal' on the surface.  And I'm sure they think I'm putting it on or exaggerating.....for sympathy or attention, I guess!  It's a lonely life when you're living with something like this and you're not believed or understood, I know that only too well.

We had a relatively quiet day yesterday, with just the usual amount of minor dramas.  I did washing, housework and some meal prep, husband did some weeding and deadheading in the garden - unasked, for a change.  The washing got wet in a quick sharp shower, but soon dried out once the shower had moved away and the sun came back out - it was windy too, which helped dry it.  We had our first home grown aubergine with dinner - I cut it in half lengthways and roasted it, having brushed it with oil and a dusting of paprika, then topped it with grated cheese to melt.  Lovely with king prawns and veggies.

Husband says his back is sufficiently recovered for him to go to the gym this morning, so I get an hour by myself.  I need to meal plan and do a bit of banking, don't need any shopping this week, we're well stocked up.

Tomorrow it's husband's turn to go on the shoppers bus to Bridgy, he's arranged to meet his mate there.  So Betty and I will have around 4 1/2 hours of blissful peace.

Heavy showers forecast this morning, although it's blue skies with some fluffy white clouds and sunshine right now.  Showers for the next few days as well, hopefully enough to benefit the garden.  It's been a brilliant summer weather wise this year hasn't it, if a bit too hot for Betty and I at times.

Reduced to this

 Husband was positively horrible yesterday, I'm not going into details but he reduced me to tears.  Shortly after, he suddenly announced he was going into town and immediately left.  It was only half an hour later when I realised he hadn't taken the car, meaning he was going on the bus (and being Bank Holiday, I assume there were less buses running, not that he would realise that), he also hadn't taken his angina spray or his phone.  Silly man.  I assumed he'd come back with a bunch of flowers, his usual way of saying sorry without actually saying the word, but he didn't - in fact he had nothing in his hands on his return a couple of hours later, so I don't know whether he bought anything.  He was however red in the face and sweating profusely - it was a hot day and he'd probably had to wait a while for buses each way, I made him sit in his recliner chair with the fan on and gave him a cold drink, he was lucky he hadn't collapsed or had a heart attack.

When he left so abruptly all I could think was "Good!", it gave me a break.  I sat there in tears, wondering how our previously good life has been reduced to this.  I'm not asking for sympathy, it's just the reality of how life is nowadays, and I just have to get on with it. 

He seems to be in a better mood - so far! - this morning.  I've got things to do so I'm just going to get on with them, keep my head down and keep out of his way.

All those air miles!

 I had a further email to say that husband's milk frother will be delivered on or about 24 September (good thing we don't need it urgently - or at all! - then 😂😒).  I guess my point is he's bought something (quite unnecessarily and can't even explain why he thought we needed one) that will be taking a vast amount of air (or sea) miles to get here from China, when he could have bought one in our local high street.  If we needed one.  Which we don't.  Things like this are happening more and more frequently, and the problem with his cognitive impairment is that he doesn't learn from mistakes, he just repeats them.  Enough said.

I was woken up about 02.30 am last night by a loud thump coming from husband's bedroom, I leapt out of bed and ran to his room, expecting to find him on the floor again.  Nope, he was in bed, facing the wall, fast asleep.....I think he'd simply turned over and thumped the wall between our rooms, as he flings his arms about during his sleep.  I couldn't get back to sleep for over an hour after that, whereas he sleeps like a baby, although he always maintains he's hardly slept a wink (the snores I hear from his room say he does sleep pretty well).  And then when I finally did get back to sleep, Betty heard some noise outside and was dashing round the house woofing, waking me up again.....no idea what she heard, I didn't hear anything, and the outside security lights weren't on so no prowlers.  It's not like I can wear earplugs, as I need to be able to hear if husband does need me in the night.

I've put a chicken, veg and rice casserole in the slow cooker, sliced and roasted a big trayful of courgettes (getting a bit sick of the sight of them now), and made an apple crumble.  I'm about to change my bed linen and get a washload ready for tomorrow morning, then I'll sit and read.  Husband is dozing in the garden (he must have had a rough night 😉😁).

Going to our local village boot sale in the morning, there's another one in the afternoon that we may go to as well.  It's got very warm again, although the forecast is for lower temperatures and some rain from midweek.

Freezer stuffed full of garden veg....and why do we want a milk frother?

 I tried the sandwich souffle for my lunch yesterday......it was nice but I felt it lacked a bit of flavour.  I think using Emmental cheese in the sandwich was a bit of a mistake - I like Emmental but it was too mild, a mature Cheddar would have been better.  I also think a spread of chilli jam or some other strong flavoured type of chutney, or even mustard, in the sandwich would improve the dish hugely.  A sprinkle of smoked paprika stirred into the whisked egg and milk would be good too.  I'll try those ideas next time.

The last couple of weeks I've been processing and freezing lots of veggies from the garden.  We now have several tubs of tomato, courgette and onion pasta sauce, roasted courgettes with herbs for soup, tomatoes roasted with oil and balsamic vinegar, whole roasted shallots, and carrots roasted with dill and parsley.  Husband dug up the 2 remaining potato plants - all the others were grown in bags, these 2 were planted directly into the ground and have produced bigger yields.  So today I'm going to roast all the small spuds whole and freeze them, some of the bigger ones I'll boil and mash and freeze too.  That'll be it for freezing stuff - well, until we eat some of it, as there's hardly any room left in the freezer.  It's been a very good year for growing veggies.  We still have yellow and green courgettes growing (they seem neverending), along with green peppers waiting to turn red, aubergines (only small at present) and lots of leeks.  Oh, and butternut squashes, I forgot about those.  I'll pick some of the apples off the tree in the front garden and make a crumble tomorrow - our neighbours said they thought the tree was a cooking apple but I don't know about that, the apples are quite small, they're certainly not Bramleys.

Husband has just bought a milk frother on ebay (I get the email notifications) - I know not why, he hardly ever drinks coffee, he's a tea man, and I have those frothy coffee sachets so it's not something I need either!  So we don't need a milk frother.....still, it's his money, if he wants to waste it on unnecessary crap that's up to him I guess 😒 **

There's a big car boot sale (well, the poster says it's big, that remains to be seen) on the village playing field on Monday, we'll probably have a walk over there.  Just another week of school holidays left, this summer seems to have flown by.  It'll be good to be able to walk through town without the hordes of tourists, and along the prom without tripping over kids running around, or loud drink-fuelled hen and stag parties....I think the women are louder and more obnoxious than the men a lot of the time.  I can't be too judgemental though....I can remember a few things I did that I'm not proud of, when I was young and stupid! 

** I've just read the email - the milk frother is coming from China and will take a month to get here!  At least he's only wasted £4.80, what possessed him to order it I don't know 😕

Exactly what I told him, and veggie student recipes

 The bus trip to the retail park on my own yesterday was wonderful, I really enjoyed it.  A 1 1/4 hour each way scenic ride where I was able to enjoy the views without someone rabbiting away in my ear all the time.  And then an hour and a half of peaceful shopping....I got everything I needed, including a new pair of shoes.  Not Skechers, the shop didn't have the particular ones I wanted, but instead I bought a lovely very soft white leather pair of trainers which are really nice and so comfortable (I've been wearing them this morning to test them out).  I gave a pile of books I'd finished back to the charity shop, and bought another 6, they'll keep me going until the next time I go, which will be in a fortnight I expect - it's husband's turn to go next week, he's arranging to meet up with his mate in the McD's there.

Husband insisted he wanted to go to the gym this morning.....he only went once last week (normally goes 3 times) and didn't go Mon or Weds this week, because of his bad back.  I said he ought to speak to one of the trainers there before he actually did anything - he did and she advised him not to use any of the machines until his back is better.  She told him to go to his GP (he's already done that), do some gentle stretching exercises at home, keep active (not just sitting for long periods) and drink more water to lubricate his joints.  He rang his daughter, who's a regular gym goer, and she told him the same things.  Exactly what I've been telling him to do for the last couple of weeks - not that he's taken any notice of me.  But now 2 others have told him what to do, he's full of it and was relaying it all to me in great detail.  So when others advise him to do something, he takes notice.  Funny that! 😒😒

I got 2 Student Grub type paperback cook books for 50p each in the charity shop, the reason being they've got lots of vegetarian recipes (being cheaper for students) and tend to be quick and easy using minimal ingredients and equipment.  I've had a quick glance through and a few recipes caught my eye, one of them I'm trying out tonight.  It's a vegetarian cottage pie using chopped mushrooms, onion and aubergine with passata and herbs as the base, covered with cheesy mash, sounds yummy, right up my street.  Another one I liked the sound of was called a Sandwich Souffle - you make a cheese sandwich then put it in an oven-proof dish with some milk and an egg whisked together, with herbs, spices or seasonings of your choice (turn the sandwich to ensure it's coated with the egg mixture), topped with grated cheese and put in the oven until browned and puffed up.  Serve with green veggies or a salad.  I'll definitely give that a go.

Husband has gone from one extreme to the other - not using his phone at all for 6 months (and losing his credit) to ringing virtually everyone he knows.....in the last few days he's made 6 or 7 phone calls, and that's just the ones I know about - I know he was on his phone yesterday as I rang him a couple of times whilst I was out and the phone was engaged both times.  At this rate he'll have used up all his credit before the month ends 😂

I do, actually!

 Husband is suffering with backache, and boy don't I know about it, he's constantly moaning and groaning.  He's pulled a muscle or something, after hefting something heavy in the garden on his own - he will not ask for help, stubborn old fool.  When I didn't show the required amount of sympathy yesterday afternoon, after listening to his groans for the past few days, he muttered "You don't know how it feels".  Well, I had my first slipped disc during an energetic game of tennis when I was 19, followed by 6 weeks of intensive 3x weekly physiotherapy at the hospital, and have had many prolapsed discs in the 45+ years since then.  Along with numerous sessions of physio, osteo and chiropractic, most of which appointments husband has driven me to.  I've lived with back pain on a near-daily basis for all my adult life, with the trochanteric bursitis in both hips, OA in my left knee and rotator cuff shoulder pain for the last few years as well.  So actually I do know how it feels.  He's seen the GP and has been given an anti-inflammatory pain relief gel (heart failure patients aren't supposed to have anti-inflammatories but the GP said a short course of the gel would be ok), he's also got a back support belt and we have one of those heat pad things that are heated up in the microwave.  The GP said to take co-codamol tabs, the 8/500 ones, up to 4x daily as well.  So he's got plenty of things to help, he's just not a good patient (no patience, for a start - he expects things to work immediately).  He's just been laying half-reclined in his chair, dozing in front of the TV - I've tried encouraging him to get up and walk around every hour, telling him that simply lying around all day every day will not help his back - I know this from experience.  He's currently in bed, having a nap.  At least it's quiet!

I'm really looking forward to my free bus trip to the retail park tomorrow, it'll be a refreshing change.  I've got a small list of things I want to look for - books from the big charity shop, a new pair of shoes (from the shoe shop, not the charity shop, I want a new pair of Skechers), a new bone china mug and a recipe card index.  I've found with my advancing age 😂 I don't always remember the quantities of ingredients for things I've been making for years and years - scones or Yorkshire puds, e.g., so it'd be nice to have them written down in a recipe box or book and have it to hand in the kitchen.

We went to Aldi for our monthly stock up shop this morning, the larder box under my bed is now full, I'm pleased to say.

The sound of silence (temporarily)

 The 2nd Ocado delivery was just as satisfactory as the first - on time, friendly helpful driver and the shopping was perfect, no substitutions, missing items or damages.  I've had food shopping deliveries a number of times over the years, from all the major supermarkets - Ocado is the best, in my experience.

Husband wasn't speaking to me yesterday afternoon (long story), he thought he was punishing me by not talking to me.  He didn't seem to realise though that it was a bonus as far as I was concerned - he wasn't bending my ears for hours 😉.  Back to normal today though, he's been going on and on already about a new mattress for his bed.  I'm hardly even awake yet! 😞 

He keeps coming out with all these ideas for changes in the garden next year.  As he changes his mind every day, and will no doubt have forgotten about them by next year anyway, I'm not taking too much notice.  I do keep having to remind him though that we're not getting any younger, in fact we'll both be a year older so will want less work and an easier to manage garden.

Nice morning

 Yesterday we had a peaceful, relaxed and relatively drama-free morning, it was lovely - with all the windows open we could hear the church bells ringing, which I love but husband doesn't, he was sitting in the garden and I could hear him grumbling about it.  Each to their own!  And then it went downhill in the afternoon.  Enough said.  I think he's given up the idea of a greenhouse though, so there's that - no doubt he'll move onto another obsession soon, he usually does.

We've got something on every day this week.  Today we're having our 2nd Ocado delivery, it's been 4 weeks since the first one.  They're still giving me money off and free delivery for the first 3 months, as an introductory offer, so might as well take advantage.  Tomorrow an engineer is coming to service the heating.....will have to keep Betty in the garden, she loves workmen and will be following him around sniffing his legs and sticking her nose in his toolbag if we let her.  Wednesday we'll go and do the monthly Aldi stock up shop, I'll get a few more shelf stable things to go in the box under my bed.  Thursday I'm going on the free shoppers bus to Bridgwater retail park....on my own....and Friday we're going out for lunch.

Husband went on the shoppers bus last week by himself - I was a bit dubious about letting him go on his own, but made sure he had his angina spray, phone, bottle of water (and wallet).  At least he wasn't driving himself, he was on a bus with plenty of people, and in the retail park with loads of people around should anything happen.  It was fine, nothing happened!  We've mutually decided that we will take it in turns to go by ourselves, him one week, me the next.  It gives us both a break of just over 4 hours from each other - it'll be bliss for me and I'm sure he feels the same!  When he goes next week, he's arranged to meet up with his mate, a neighbour from our previous house, they'll go for a coffee and burger I expect, that'll be nice for him.

June, I had to smile at the idea of you taking all night to write up your list of frustrations 😂.  You said I'm brave for writing about all these things....I just don't want people to run away with the idea that life is peachy for us or that it's not as bad as I say.  When we're in the company of others, be it family, friends, neighbours or people we've just met and passed the time of day with, they all (and yes family and friends included) think husband is fine.  He's not.  They only see him for a short period of time and he's on his best behaviour - he doesn't want people to think there's something wrong with him!  So he makes a big effort to be chatty (extremely chatty), friendly, happy and engaging....which is very different to the way he is when we're home alone (apart from the chatty bit, he's ALWAYS talking.  Well, except when he's asleep).  I've actually had, on several occasions, both friends and family say to me after they've spent a bit of time with us that husband seems fine, they couldn't see anything wrong.  Well, that's just a small snapshot in time, it in no way represents the true nature of things on a daily basis.

Yesterday, he offered to cook his own dinner....he was having (at my suggestion) cooked turkey slices reheated in gravy, potatoes and green veg, I had a spinach & ricotta cannelloni ready meal with veg.  As he was cooking his, he kept coming in (I was in the bedroom reading) every couple of minutes to give me a running commentary on each step.  And he seemed to have used every pan and utensil he could find, and left them covering all the kitchen surfaces, along with splashes of gravy and the odd escaped pea and bit of broccoli.  😒😒  One for the frustrations list!

Bad ideas, and a good one

 Once again thank you for the supportive comments and emails, it does help to know that there are others who are in the same situation.....unfortunately, it's a club none of us want to belong to really.

Husband has good days and bad days, sometimes a good day with just one or two less good bits, other times mostly bad for several days running - those days I feel like walking out and never coming back.  I don't have that option though - I've got nowhere to go for a start, certainly nowhere that I could have Betty with me, and I know that husband simply wouldn't be able to cope on his own for any length of time.  I couldn't and wouldn't do that to him.  

The last couple of days have been pretty awful.  I knew he was up to something, he kept disappearing into the garden with his tape measure, then coming back in and looking up things on his computer.  So I asked what he was doing.....it turned out he's decided he wants a greenhouse....well, a polytunnel actually.  Our garden isn't very big, in fact there's nowhere really for a greenhouse to fit - he said yes there is, one of the small (6 feet square) gravel beds where he's currently growing tomatoes in pots.  This bed is in the middle of the garden, right next to the patio where our garden table and chairs are, and the rotary washing line is on the other side - it would be in the way of the polytunnel and would have to be moved, I don't know where to!  Where he wants it is also in front of my bedroom window - so to have it there would entirely block off our view of the garden when sitting at our garden table, and I'd be faced with it outside my bedroom window, blocking my view there as well.  I asked why he wants it - to grow tomatoes and cucumbers he said.  We've grown/are growing tomatoes and cucumbers outside in the garden beds perfectly well both last year and this.....so no need for a greenhouse.  Also, it would just become a dumping ground for all the junk husband collects - he's the untidiest bloke in the world and it would simply be another place to fill with clutter.  We had quite a big polytunnel in our previous garden and it was more than half filled with his junk.  I'm just not having that again, and we don't need one anyway.  He's still going on about it though.  I wouldn't be surprised, although would be annoyed, if he ordered one off the internet anyway without telling me, he has a habit of doing things without my knowledge.

He also announced yesterday he wants wifi on his phone......the phone that's a very basic smart phone which he still doesn't know how to use properly and still has to ask me for help with reading and deleting texts (he never sends any), the same phone that he lost his (PAYG) credit on because he hadn't used the phone for 6 months!  He's said about getting internet on his phone before, each time I've explained why it's not a good idea - what would he use it for, for a start?  And why pay monthly for something he's not going to/will be unable to use?  It will just be yet another headache for me to have to deal with, and show him how to use each and every time he wants to do something on it, because he will never remember.  

And he's been so damn argumentative the last couple of days.  I don't argue back anymore, I just walk away.

To top it all off, I discovered that for the last few nights he's not had his bed guard up, he folds it down when he gets into bed.  He's not getting the thrashing about nightmares anymore since the GP advised him to stop taking the neuropathy pain med that was causing them, which means he hasn't fallen out of bed recently.  Prior to him starting to take that med though, he had previously fallen out of bed a couple of times - he's a very restless sleeper, constantly fidgeting about and turning over, one of the reasons why we have separate rooms.  He didn't voluntarily tell me he wasn't using the bed guard anymore - I found it folded down when I went to put some clean washing in his room.  I asked him if he'd still been using it.....he ummed and ahhed and looked shifty before admitting he hadn't.  He couldn't really explain why - well, no good reason anyway, he just said it'll be alright.  So I just shrugged and said if he wants to run the risk of falling out again and perhaps smashing his cheekbone on the chest of drawers next time, well that's up to him.  I can't force him to be sensible, or even to listen to me.

I've read a few more carers stories recently, one of them said about something she does which she finds helpful in getting rid of the stresses of daily life.  At the end of the day, once she's settled her husband in bed, she sits down for half an hour with a cuppa and writes a list of all the stressful or annoying things that have happened during the day.  She reads through it - and then screws it up and throws it in the bin - so she's throwing out all the frustrations of the day before she goes to bed.  What a good idea.

Disappointment and a bolt from the blue

 I was disappointed to receive an email at 4.55 pm yesterday afternoon, stating that unfortunately I wouldn't be receiving the planned 9 am counselling call today.  The counsellor apologised and said that as she'd been off work, she'd only just seen the booking, which I'd made online via the website.  She said that the carers charity work with local councils who support their work (the counselling calls) and sadly Somerset council is not one of the support councils on their list.  Huh.  However, she was very helpful in the long and detailed email, I suspect the length and content of it were actually outside her remit but she clearly wanted to help.  She gave me some links to a few Somerset carer groups, and also suggested some coping strategies for my personal situation, with links to guides and stories written by carers themselves, some of which I read yesterday evening.

One of these really resonated with me....actually, it was like a bolt from the blue when I read it.  The article suggested that some of us who care for partners may actually be grieving - both for the partner and for the life we used to have/should still be having if the partner didn't have the health problems.  I appreciate that this may be upsetting to some of you who have lost their partners - and I know some of my readers have - after all, my husband is still here!  I'm sorry if this upsets you, I have no wish to cause any of my readers pain.  But it hit me that this is just how I feel, even though it took reading the article to realise it - although we've been married 42 years, the person I live with now bears little resemblance to the man I married all those years ago.  That man disappeared a few years ago and has been replaced with someone who often appears to be a total stranger, and not a very likeable one at that.  And I've been suffering a huge amount of guilt about those feelings....the article said those feelings are actually surprisingly common, and nothing to be ashamed of.

I've got to think about that for a while, it's a lot to take in.

June said in her comment "you have to live it to know what it's like".  Exactly.  People just don't understand at all - they may say they do, but unless they are in the same situation they actually have very little idea.  Thank you June.  I have one friend who I have tried to explain things to on numerous occasions, to absolutely no avail.  They just cannot/will not understand or see my point of view.  I'm just wasting my breath with them, so I've given up and cut contact.

A typical day

 Thank you for all the support, both comments and emails, I can't thank you all individually but please know that I'm very grateful.

One particular day earlier in the week ended with me sobbing my heart out, it had been the worst day in a series of seemingly neverending bad days.  This was what happened throughout the day:-

It didn't start off well, as the previous day husband had accidentally switched on the alarm on the clock radio in the kitchen, when turning the radio off so he could watch TV.  So the alarm - a loud strident buzzer - went off at midnight (whenever we have a power cut, the alarm resets to midnight), waking us all up, and I couldn't get back to sleep for hours.  This is about the 4th or 5th time he's done this, he blames the clock radio but the truth is it's just him being careless, as it happens regularly I'll have to get rid of that and buy a different one.  So we were all grumpy to start with.  After his breakfast husband went out to pick tomatoes in the garden, he hadn't taken a container out with him and so carried them in his hands, which resulted in him dropping several on the ground, which he didn't even notice.  He then trod on one, again not noticing, squashing it on the bottom of his shoe and treading it indoors.....luckily the kitchen floor is wipe clean, although the lounge carpet isn't!  A bit later I was just coming through the lounge doorway when husband literally barged past me (he needed the loo), instead of saying 'excuse me' or waiting 2 seconds for me to enter the room, he knocked me into the doorframe and trod on my foot as well.  As I wear flipflops I am essentially barefooted, he wears shoes so it hurt.  He didn't mean to shove me out of the way, he was in a hurry and it was accidental, still hurt my bad shoulder and toes anyway.  At lunchtime he got himself a salad and sprinkled it with grated cheese from a packet, one of those with the plastic press together openings.  He didn't close it up, simply folded the bag in half and shoved it back in the fridge.....with the opening underneath.  When I got the bag out of the fridge later, not realising it wasn't closed up and was upside down, it promptly showered grated cheese all over the kitchen floor (much to Betty's delight, she loves cheese).  I'd washed up the lunch things, a bit later on he emptied the dish drainer to put things away - dropping several pieces of cutlery, the dog's metal food dish and a plastic container on the floor (obviously having an especially clumsy day).  Nothing was broken but Betty and I jumped every time something crashed to the floor.  

We drove to the seafront for a walk along the prom, the ice cream van was there so husband asked if I wanted a cone, I said yes please and that I'd eat it in the car (it was hot and windy).  He was the only customer but was stood there at the van for ages, chatting to the vendor, during which time the ice creams were starting to melt.  He got back to the car, opened his door, stumbled and fell into the car and promptly dripped chocolate ice cream all over my white capri leggings.

I'd put washing out in the morning, husband carried the washing and peg basket outside for me, he dropped the peg basket scattering the pegs everywhere.....he did pick them up but I was still finding the odd stray peg or 6 in the flowerbed the next day.  In the afternoon I went in the bedroom for a nap (having had not much sleep the night before due to the radio alarm incident), I lay on the bed with Betty, we both dropped off to sleep.  Husband decided to get the washing in for me - which was kind of him, I hadn't asked him to.  My bedroom door was pushed up, he shoved it open, hard (he doesn't know his own strength) with the washing basket, causing the door to crash against the bookcase behind the door, making Betty and I jump out of our skins.  And finally, in the evening he trod on the dog's tail, making her yelp loudly and me dissolve into tears, it was the last straw, my nerves were shredded to pieces by then.

And that's just one day, a typical day - things like this happen literally every day.  As well as that, can you stop for a minute to imagine what it's like to have to repeat yourself, the same thing over and over (like reminding husband I cannot hear him when he talks to me from another room or when I'm standing next to a working appliance like the radio, kettle, electric fan or microwave e.g. - I'm partially deaf) and he forgets every single time?  So I have to say the same thing dozens of times a day?

I KNOW he's got all these medical conditions which cause him to be like this/do these things, I do know it's not his fault, he can't help it.  But it doesn't make it any easier to cope with it all!  I also know they're all relatively minor things....but when it's one thing after another, day after day after day, and having to repeat things over and over and over, my nerves are at breaking point.

I've got a phone call booked for tomorrow with an independent counsellor from a FB carers group I've belonged to for a while, I've only just found out that they provide this service, a free 30 min phone chat with a trained counsellor who is a carer themselves (you can have as many calls as you like, although each one is limited to 30 minutes).  So it'll be a chance to actually talk to someone who understands.

Breaking

 I can't do this right now - blogging I mean.  I'm at crisis point and feeling I can't cope anymore.  I know I get lots of support from all you lovely readers, but in my real life I am neither heard nor seen.  Every day is a battle for me, even if it starts out reasonably well it rapidly goes downhill.  And nobody understands, not even family or my very few remaining friends, who are conspicuous by their absence.  

Sorry Jackie!

 I'll start with an apology to my lovely Canadian reader, Jackie - I accidentally deleted your comment on my last post, really sorry about that, call it brain fog.  I had a wonderful sleep last night, I read for half an hour or so until my eyes were closing and put the light out just after 10 pm.  Next thing I knew, it was 5 to 7 this morning, which is about an hour later than I normally wake up.  I did wake up once during the night, Betty jumped up on the bed (I didn't know she'd got off actually) and accidentally trod on my hip, which was quite painful as she's such a heffalump.  I soon went back to sleep though, with her stretched out pressed up against my side.  Consequently, I feel a lot better today, although my back, knee and assorted muscles still ache like mad.

Husband's nightmares have now stopped, so it obviously was the neuropathic pain meds causing them.  He hasn't mentioned the pains in his feet (yet) which he was taking the meds for, so it seems that's not bothering him at the moment - he'd be complaining if it was.  His facial bruising is fading now - well, on the side of his face, the black eye is more prominent though.

The Parker Knoll solid wood framed tub chair that we've had for years - which I no longer find very supportive or comfortable for my back - we are still keeping, it's a lovely looking chair and still looks almost as good as new.  It's fine for occasional seating, just not for a long sit down, hence why I bought the recliner armchair.  Husband came in from chatting with a neighbour yesterday and informed me he'd told the neighbour she could have the chair, without saying anything to me, as he always does 😒.  I reminded him that we are keeping it, I had no intention of getting rid of it.....so now he's got to go and tell her sorry but she can't have it, he made a mistake.  Honestly, that man, he causes me stresses every day, his habit of telling or discussing things with all and sundry, or doing things, without consulting me or letting me know what he's thinking of doing beforehand is getting worse and worse.  He also told another neighbour something yesterday which is not true - he again told me afterwards what he'd said.  So he's now also got to tell that neighbour he got it wrong.  He's such a blabbermouth, I can't tell him any secrets (if I had any!) - they'd be round the neighbourhood in no time.  

We did some garden work yesterday, I pruned 2 large roses quite hard back as they were both smothered in powdery mildew, bagged up all the prunings to take to the tip, I don't want them in our compost bins.  Husband cleared one of the flowerbeds and planted 2 dahlias I'd bought.  We might go to the boot sale this afternoon and see if we can get any more dahlias - perennials, not bedding ones, I'm moving away from buying bedding plants.

Valium or vodka?

 Husband has suffered no ill effects from falling out of bed, although his face is well bruised.  I had a phone consultation with his GP on Wednesday afternoon - husband was having a snooze in his bedroom (with the door slightly ajar for safety!) so I was able to have an uninterrupted chat with the doctor.  The GP agreed that the nightmares/thrashing about husband has been experiencing are almost certainly a side effect of one of his new meds - he even knew straight away which one it would be.  It's one for the neuropathic pain in his feet - it's actually working at reducing the pain, husband hasn't complained about it for 2 or 3 weeks now, always a good sign!  The GP suggested that husband should stop taking the med for the next week or so, to see if the nightmares stopped.  He said the downside is of course that husband's foot pain will most likely come back, but that's probably the lesser of two evils.....safer than him falling out of bed, and him continually thumping the wall as he flails his arms about.  Husband does already take another med for his foot pain, the GP said he could double it if we decide he should stop taking the new med for the future.  Meanwhile, we've got and fitted the bed guard, so hopefully that'll stop him falling out of bed again.  

Oh, and the GP - very friendly and helpful guy - laughingly said that husband seems to be causing even more problems than usual lately (we've had to go for GP appointments for husband several times on several different matters in the past couple of months).....and then asked if I wanted a prescription for Valium or vodka for my stress levels!  😂😂  I said if he was offering gin instead I might take him up on it (I don't drink alcohol anymore, but when I did G & T was my tipple).

Husband, having seen my new to me recliner, decided he'd like one for himself - the charity furniture shop said they had a few (different ones) in, so yesterday we went to have a look.  Husband chose one, a very nice one, I'd go so far as to say it's even nicer than the one I got.  It was about the same price as mine, husband however didn't really want to pay extra for delivery, so we managed to get it in the back of the car - well, 2 of the male shop staff put it in for us.  Shame they didn't come home with us, as obviously then husband and I had to manhandle it out of the car and into the house, and remove the old chair out to the car port.  So yet more furniture shifting, and my back is well and truly buggered now, and my left arthritic knee is killing me as I've twisted it due to walking funny at the moment (not that there's anything funny about it!).

I had an email reply yesterday to the queries I'd sent off about the stopping of my Carers Allowance, it was very long and convoluted and at first read through seemed to be a load of waffle designed to actually say nothing and confuse me even more.  As my brain currently is just as tired and worn down as my poor aching body, it may be a case of me just not grasping it, so I shall leave it a few days until I feel more alert (if that ever happens).

The last month or so has just totally worn me out, physically and emotionally, and I've shed a few tears.  That desert island is calling to me again.  I need a break.

Never rains but.....

 I had a lovely sleep last night....until about 05.30 when husband fell out of bed, for the 2nd time in as many weeks.  He doesn't seem to have suffered any serious damage, other than bruising to the side of his face and possibly a black eye later, and was able to get up off the floor by the time I got in the room.  He says he feels ok and is perfectly coherent - well, for him anyway.  He's been having nightmares/dreams where he thrashes about in his sleep, hence why he falls out of bed.  I think it's almost certainly a side effect of one of his new meds, it's one of the things listed in the leaflet (nightmares that is).  As a side effect, hopefully it'll wear off soon.  We're going to have a phone conversation with his GP later, once the surgery opens and I book a call.  I've ordered a bed guard, which we'll get later on this afternoon, it'll give both of us peace of mind.

Meanwhile, I have to get Betty to the vet, her ear infection is back with a vengeance.  Never rains but it pours!  No wonder my nerves are often in shreds.

Worst night

 I had the worst night in ages last night, was awake tossing and turning, even reclining in the new chair didn't work.  Not sure why I couldn't sleep, nothing particular on my mind - well, other than usual worries.  My back and shoulder muscles are being very slow to recover after all the furniture shifting, and all the financial stuff to do with my upcoming state pension and loss of carers allowance seems to have drained my mental capabilities.  I think I just need a holiday!  Not that I'll be getting one anytime soon - we wouldn't go away during school holidays anyway.

Consequently I feel like death warmed up today.  Only got washing to sort and a small top up shop of fresh stuff to get, any other jobs can wait till tomorrow.

I hope those of you up north survived relatively unscathed.  Weather is certainly crazy nowadays.

Scooters, veggies and changing the flower beds

 Thank you for comments, I'm fairly sure that husband will have forgotten the idea of an electric bike or mobility scooter by next year, so it's not really a serious problem, it's simply the latest idea (yes notion, Jane!) he's got in his head.  Most of his ideas, which he's initially very fixated on, are eventually forgotten about or superseded by something else.  And Jane, good point about the mobility aspect - well, losing mobility, not good for him when he's been specifically told by his GP and cardiac consultant that he must keep up his fitness levels as much as possible....I'll drop that into the conversation the next time he starts on about a scooter, thanks!

I know why he's suddenly got the idea of a mobility scooter - there are 3 old boys in our road who all have them.  One isn't that old (around my age) but he can't walk, he broke his back in an accident and has been wheelchair bound since.  The other 2 down the bottom of our road are both quite a bit older, 70s or 80s - I don't really know either of them so don't know what their health conditions are that require them to use the scooters.  We see the 2 of them (they're obviously buddies) zooming out of the road together a couple of times a week, and the 3rd younger one goes out with his wife (also my age, but very slim and fit and walks very fast) for long walks and up the hill to their allotment regularly.  So I think husband fancies the idea of kind of being in a gang of ageing bikers! (he used to ride a motorbike in his youth).  A sort of retired hell's angel if you like 😉😁

This morning husband decided he didn't like his room the way it was and wanted to change the layout.  Sigh.  He did most of the furniture shifting (my back still hasn't recovered from the beginning of the week), I just helped a bit and directed operations.  I have to admit it does look better now.

Tomorrow I must roast another panful of courgettes and tomatoes and freeze them for soup or pasta sauces, we're still inundated with them.  I might roast some of the shallots as well, we had a wheelbarrow full that husband pulled up.  I don't want to pickle them, neither of us is very fond of pickles in vinegar.  Even though all our veggies had a late start this year, due to the spring being so wet and cold, they've certainly picked up and done very well since.  My flower bed has really suffered in the heat though, it's looking very dried up.  As our summers seem likely to be hotter now due to climate change, I might have to think about getting more drought resistant plants.

He wants to do what?!

 Thank you for all the comments about public mourning.  I did actually shed a tear for Ozzy, I really liked Black Sabbath in my youth, along with Kiss, Aerosmith, T-Rex and others of that ilk.  I particularly liked Ozzy on his and Sharon's reality show, he was such a funny character.  I also cried when Princess Diana died.  I wouldn't go out and be publicly filmed along with crowds of others, though.  Each to their own though.

Husband has now presented me with another potential big problem, which I'll have to deal with at some point.  I've often said how he is with the forgetfulness, clumsiness, being completely oblivious to things, lack of comprehension, even his bluntness and rudeness at times with him having no filter.  Some of you have said your OHs are the same.  However, whilst some of husband's behaviours could be put down to normal age (and even male) related things, others are not, and even his normal behaviour (normal for him that is) is more than just age.  So just to recap.....husband had a brain scan and lots of written, oral and practical tests, on two separate occasions a fortnight apart, which led to the formal medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment.  We were told by the consultant psychologist who carried out the tests and gave us the diagnosis two things in particular that stood out - the first being that he was currently still fit to drive, she stressed though that might well (and probably would) change in the future and that I would know myself when it was time for him to stop driving.  She said if I was worried, to get back in touch with them and they would arrange for a medical fit to drive practical driving test, at which point they would have the option of stopping him driving there and then if they deemed it necessary, or else requiring him to have further driving tests every 3 or 6 months.  The second thing that gave us cause to think was that, although not everyone with cognitive impairment (CI) automatically goes on to develop some form of dementia, people with CI are much more likely to get one of the many dementia types.  And that is always at the back of my mind.

As I've said, after much discussion we both agreed that husband would give up driving next July (when his next annual car insurance is due - no point in renewing it for another full year if he's going to be stopping driving soon after).  I still think he's ok to drive presently, although I can see that some things are slowly changing, and I certainly wouldn't be happy about him driving more than a short distance by himself.  He's not very happy about giving up driving, although does agree with the reasons why.  However.....he's now announced that when he sells the car next year, he wants to buy an electric bike or mobility scooter!  It seems to have escaped his notice (or he's forgotten) that the reason he will be giving up driving is that he may well not be safe to carry on in a year's time.  He's also forgotten that his balance is pretty dreadful, so he'd more than likely fall off a bike.  And if he thinks I'd allow him to go out and about on either a bike or a scooter on his own, he's got another think coming!  I haven't said anything to him yet, I've got a year to think up a response - that's if he's still even keen on the idea then.  So another potential problem to worry about in the future.