Exercises

 The musculoskeletal specialist was the same lady I saw around 18 months ago, back then she diagnosed a rotator cuff injury to my left shoulder.  This time it's the right shoulder, she says it's also a rotator cuff injury with subacromial (spelling?) pain, whatever that is, I haven't googled it.  She said it may also be a frozen shoulder.  She did a lot of manipulations to my arm and shoulder and said it's significantly weaker than the left one.  She doesn't think it's arthritis or osteoporosis though, which I was concerned about, so that's good.  She's referred me to physio but said the referral will take months to come through, as they're very short staffed and have a huge backlog.  In the meantime, she's given me a sheet of exercises to do daily, to build up the muscle strength.  If things haven't improved in 8 weeks, I'm to go back to her and she'll arrange for a steroid injection and x-ray.  

After all the manipulations she did, my shoulder currently hurts like hell and is keeping me awake, hence why I'm writing this at 03.50 am.  I've already had painkillers and am now sitting in my recliner chair with my hot wheat bag on the shoulder, although even the weight of the bag hurts...the warmth is nice though.

Husband wants us to go and buy some meat for him for Christmas, he wants a gammon and a pork joint.  I've not really thought about what I might have, Christmas isn't really on my horizon yet.  I do like salmon though, so perhaps that.  

The neighbour who died was 90, so a long life, and was apparently reclusive and solitary by choice.  I wonder what she did all day? She had no pets and clearly wasn't a gardener.

Mortality

 It was a bit of an unsettling day yesterday, one of the residents of our little cul de sac died.  When we first moved here, we were given a quick rundown of who lived where, so we could identify our new neighbours.  The lady in question, we were told, was an elderly lady on her own who was housebound and a recluse, she apparently didn't appreciate visitors.  In all the time we've lived here (2 years next month, where did that go?) I have never seen her....husband saw her very briefly once back in the summer when he went and knocked on her door, having noticed a parcel on her doorstep for 2 or 3 days.  He said she took a while to open the door, then simply took the parcel, said a very quick thank you and shut the door without any conversation.  Of course, living in a sheltered housing community of elderly and disabled people, deaths are bound to happen on a fairly regular basis, we know of 3 others this year on the far side of the complex.  It makes us aware of our own mortality as we're getting older ourselves.

Winter is my least favourite time of year, I really don't like the cold and often rainy/windy weather, I seem to feel the cold much more nowadays.  December is a sad month for me, particularly around Christmas time, which is why I'm quite ambivalent about it.  My mother died on Christmas Eve, my beloved Nanna on Boxing day, and a very good friend of mine on the 13th December.  My lovely aunt, Mum's youngest sister who was just 12 years older than me and more like my big sister, had her birthday on 4th December, although she actually died in July.  So the sooner December ends, the better as far as I'm concerned.  It's the winter solstice on 21st December, after which the days start gradually getting longer - that's only 30 days away and the time will go quickly, so I look forward to that.

It's a hard frost and very cold this morning, although it's bright sunshine.  I have washing to go out, but am waiting for the sun to get rid of the frost first (hopefully!) before I brave the cold to put the washing on the line.

I have my diagnostic appointment with the musculo-skeletal specialist this afternoon, hopefully I'll get some answers and a treatment plan.  This constant and very debilitating shoulder pain is really getting me down, the strong painkillers do take the edge off the pain but I'm reluctant to take the full 4 doses per day - well I just don't, I only take 1 or 2, they make me terribly constipated (for which I have another med to relieve that) and a bit woozy and spaced out.  I'm not a fan of taking especially painkilling meds anyway - if you take the full doses on a regular basis then your body gets used to them and they're no longer so effective.  And then there's the problem of having to take a further med to counteract the side effects, which I really don't like having to do.  But needs must at the moment.

The lovely sunshine does appear to be burning off the frost, so I think it's probably warm enough to go and put my washing out now - with a fleece jacket and fingerless gloves on!  We've no snow forecast down here - have you got snow where you are?

A way round it, and a day out

 Thank you for all the suggestions, I had to laugh at the couple of longer ones, they did make me smile!

Putting stickers on my foods that I didn't want husband to eat wouldn't really work - he would very quickly forget what they were for (and might even think they meant the foods were for him!), and after a few days he probably wouldn't even notice them, especially as he rarely looks at labels anyway.  The suggestions about putting my foods into plastic boxes with a big label on the top saying "Do not eat" might work.  For the time being, though, I have now pushed all 'my' foods right to the back of the fridge and cupboards, as husband mainly just grabs whatever is right in front of his nose and rarely searches for things.  As an example, a couple of days ago he declared we'd got no peanut butter left - I knew we most certainly had, as I'd bought 3 jars recently.....we like the Whole Earth brand which is quite expensive, so when it's on special offer I buy 2 or 3 jars at a time.  The open jar was in the cupboard, 'hiding' behind a new jar of jam so husband couldn't see it as it wasn't literally directly in front of his eyes.  So I'll give it a week or so now I've put all my stuff at the back of the shelves and see if he finds them!  

Our freezer is a tall upright one with (I think) 7 drawers, all organised into types of foods, and husband has a drawer to himself full of his meat products, I have one with all my veggie and fish things - it's been that way forever so it's not like he doesn't know about it.  So he went into my drawer to get out one of my Linda McC mozzarella veggie burgers the other day (I'd had one and put the other into a plastic bag back in the freezer, discarding the box), probably because he couldn't find his own beef burgers in his drawer....again because they were underneath something so not immediately visible 😒.  I'm not sure whether it didn't occur to him that it wasn't an actual beef burger, or he just didn't care as he just wanted a burger, regardless of what it was.

Incidentally, he nipped to town yesterday to fill the car up before fuel goes up in the Budget, and came back with 3 jars of my favourite salmon spread, so he obviously felt guilty, bless him!

It's a bright sunny day, albeit very cold.  We're going out for lunch to Doniford Farm Park, they have a nice cafe which does a few veggie options, and then we'll have a look at all the animals, we'll be wrapped up well so shouldn't get too cold.  There's a nice deli food counter and lots of gifts in the shop, although they're a bit pricy so might not actually buy anything.  There are lovely views over the Bristol channel right at the end of the park.  It's free entry and parking as well, which is a rarity nowadays.

It's all so frustrating

 I've mentioned before that husband has a big appetite, he likes 3 good meals a day, plus snacks in between, he's a committed carnivore and will eat almost anything.  By comparison, I have a quite limited diet - my own choice, I prefer simple mostly veggie meals with some fish.  I will occasionally (about once or twice a month) eat a little bit of chicken or a couple of chipolatas.  I don't always eat breakfast...for lunches, unless I've made something specific like a roast veg quiche or a veg frittata, we generally get our own lunches.  I have something like cheese and crackers with some fruit, or a bowl of soup and slice of sourdough toast.....husband prefers something more substantial like eggs and beans on toast with fried tomatoes, or bowl of soup with a couple of sandwiches.  He always eats breakfast, 2 or 3 slices of toast with cheese or banana, or cereal with sliced banana followed by toast.  I do a cooked meal in the evening, generally some sort of stew or mince for husband (or pork loin chops or steak, which he cooks himself whilst I do the accompanying veg).  I have something lighter and smaller, like a jacket spud with beans & cheese plus a side salad, or garlic & herb mushrooms on sourdough toast.

Bearing in mind that I have a much more limited diet than husband, I usually buy things for me that I really like - such as soups for when I'm not in the mood for making my own, fish pastes to have on crackers, cheeses that I really like (I like all cheese actually), nuts that I like - cashews and almonds.  I do also buy the equivalent things that husband prefers, such as meaty soups, meat pastes, walnuts and brazils which I don't like.

This morning I fancied breakfast, a slice of toast with salmon paste (there was an open jar in the fridge which needed using up)....only to find that husband had eaten my salmon paste, leaving his own ham and beef one in the fridge, he claimed he hadn't noticed!  This isn't an isolated incident, him eating my stuff happens regularly - over the past couple of weeks he's had both my Broccoli & Stilton and Tomato & Basil soups, the last of my cashew nuts, the blue Dolcelatte cheese (which he claims he doesn't like!) which I was planning to have melted into mushrooms for my tea tonight.  Plus one of my Linda McCartney mozzarella veggie burgers, rather than his own beef ones (again he claimed he didn't notice, which I find hard to believe).  

He can - and does - eat anything, whilst I won't eat most of what he eats.  It's so frustrating, he always claims he didn't realise it was mine or that I wouldn't mind - he never asks first, just assumes.  I know that he sometimes probably genuinely gets things (like the salmon paste and his ham & beef one) mixed up because he doesn't read the labels, but that doesn't excuse him eating my cashew nuts simply because he's finished his own walnuts, or my Dolcelatte cheese which he professes not to like.  Again, it's only a relatively small thing, but it sometimes feels like I'm not allowed anything of my own.

Getting on with jobs, and a new craft

 Yesterday was a lovely bright sunny one.  Our treasure of a cleaning lady Hayley came so, once Betty had said hello to her, we went outside to get out of her way.  We planted the rest of the new Spring bulbs, plus the ones I'd pulled up and saved in a big tub from last year, some went in pots, some in the garden.  I also did some weeding, cutting back of dead stuff and light pruning of roses.  I was pleased to have done it all, the garden looks tidy and ready for winter now and the newly planted bulb pots have all been put in place where we can see them from the windows.  This morning, however, my bad shoulder along with my hips, knees and lower back are screaming with pain, I've sprayed my shoulder with the freeze spray and taken painkillers, so hopefully the pain will settle soon.  So today I'm not doing anything strenuous and will be sitting doing some stuff on the computer.  Husband said as I'll be working on the computer, so will he on his computer(!!).....the difference being I'm actually working, whereas he'll be watching daft video reels of cars crashing, playing games and scouring ebay for things to buy that we don't need! 😒  I've suggested that he puts things on his 'watch' list rather than buying them immediately, so he can show me later and I'll be able to, hopefully, stop him buying any unnecessary rubbish.

Once I've done the few necessary admin things on the computer, I need to do a freezer inventory and then a menu plan and shopping list.  Then this afternoon I shall look for and watch a few tutorial videos on how to do punch needling - I saw some kits advertised on FB and thought that looks like fun, so ordered 3 kits....2 easy beginner type ones and one a bit more advanced.  They've all arrived, each kit comes with everything needed.  However, as I've never done this sort of craft before, I thought watching a few tutorials will be a good idea first.  It's a new craft for me to do during the winter, in between reading and possibly making a few Christmas cards.  Have any of you done punch needling?

Thank you all again for the warm comments, I do appreciate you all.

Mixed sunshine and showers today and quite cold - day-long sunshine forecast for the next 3 days but even colder, the winter duvets are on the beds and the heating on most of the day.  How lucky we are to have a lovely warm home.

A regular day

 Have you noticed how much we're being bombarded on the TV with charity adverts begging for money this year?  It seems like there are so many more than in previous years, I guess every charity is feeling the pinch as presumably their costs are higher at the same time as people are giving less, as finances are tighter for everyone.  Every one of these ads is designed to pull at our heart strings - I know all these bad things happen, but I'm not being guilt-tripped into giving to all - we have a couple of charities close to our family's hearts which we donate to, we regularly donate things to charity shops and buy good quality second hand things from them too.  That's all we can do, and will continue to do.  I am grateful for our lovely warm home and everything we have.

I'm also grateful for your comments, including from those of you who haven't commented before, thank you.

Here's a little snippet of things I have to deal with on a daily basis.  I've said before how husband doesn't listen to me, and actively disregards any suggestions I may make when he's sounding off about one of his latest madcap ideas.  I suggest things because they might be a better, safer, more logical or cheaper way of doing whatever it is he's planning now, not because I want to stop him from doing things - he is just as entitled to have ideas as I am.  Over the past few weeks, as well as dismissing what I have to say, he's now taken to rolling his eyes and heaving a big sigh practically every time I say something.  Which is quite irritating, but I just let it go - there's no point in making a big issue over what is essentially a minor thing, even though it's disrespectful and sometimes downright rude.  I'm not a doormat though, if he's really out of order I do let him know about it.

He's now come up with 2 suggestions (for that read crazy ideas, his latest fixations) for things to do with our finances.....just when I'd spent a few days sorting them out - and involving him too, I don't just make financial decisions without his input, if only in a limited way.  One of his ideas is possibly workable, to a degree, although it would involve some complicated setting up by me....the other has no merit and makes no sense whatsoever.  He can't see that though, despite my explaining why.  I've just told him I'll give it some thought, but I know he'll be going on and on about it for the next however many days or weeks it'll be until he forgets about it and is taken over by the next fixation.

And these sorts of things - the eye rolling and the crazy ideas - happen on a daily basis.  He drops things every day.  He walks into me, nearly knocking me over, or treads on Betty's paws or tail.  He spills his drinks or knocks things over.  Treads mud indoors as he forgets to wipe his feet.  Puts things down and loses them (his glasses, wallet, phone, keys, important letters) every day.  Oh and it's always my fault - I've obviously moved them somewhere!  I have to have the patience of a saint - and I'm no saint.  I could - and do - cry sometimes when I remember the lovely, kind, funny, hard working and caring man he was, and our happy, fun-filled, busy, friend and family filled life from years ago.  But it is what it is, it's nobody's fault.

It rained relentlessly all day long on Friday, roads were flooded nearby - fortunately, the flooding generally disappears quite quickly and only affects the roads, not any of our houses.  Betty would only run into the garden for a quick wee and then run straight back in again, she really doesn't like bad weather nowadays (can't say I blame her, nor do I).  Yesterday was drizzly and dismal all day, washing had to be dried indoors.  It's supposed to improve today and a whole day of sunshine forecast for tomorrow, which will be lovely, although the temperature is dropping rapidly.  I want to get the rest of my Spring bulbs planted today or tomorrow, and have 2 more loads of washing to get done, hopefully I can get it dried outside, especially the dog blankets and towels.

I was woken up at 05.20 by husband hitting the wall with his elbow, no chance of me getting back to sleep then, although he did.

This

 As some of you may have gathered, the post in blogland that stated there was a lot of negativity now in blogs both annoyed and upset me in equal measure.  Well, more upset than anything, and I must confess to feeling personally attacked, whether that was the post's intention or not.  It plunged me into a state of deep depression for a while.  For reasons which I'm not going into (as I don't write absolutely everything on my blog!), things have been very difficult here for the past few months, and there's no let up - it is what it is, it won't be getting any better, and I just have to knuckle down and deal with it all.  And that's regardless of my own health problems, which I'm really struggling with at the moment.  To top it all, I'm still getting over what I'm now sure was covid - I have a little energy in the mornings so have to do what's necessary then, as by lunchtime I'm shattered.  My sense of smell is gradually beginning to come back, and therefore my sense of taste too.  The cough still lingers, although is nowhere near as bad.  I'm also in a lot of pain (and I have quite a high pain threshold, so for me to say that means the pain is bad) and have restricted movement, which is affecting every aspect of daily living, I've been given strong painkillers and have a diagnostic appointment next Friday.  But seeing as I'm the only capable one here, I just have to grit my teeth and carry on, someone's got to do what's necessary and that someone is me.

As I've said what seems like dozens of times.....we're all different, we're not clones of each other, we don't all react to situations the same way, we don't all have the same personalities and behavioural traits.  Some people are naturally upbeat and can find the positives in most things - I applaud you, it's fabulous to be able to do that.  But not everyone can.  I know I talk about a lot of negative things - well, all I can say is none of you are in my shoes, just as I'm not in yours.  Nobody knows what my life is like on a daily basis, apart from the limited amount I choose to talk about.  For anyone who says that somebody should do this or that, or focus on the positive - that's what YOU would do, you can't possibly know what anyone else would do in the same circumstances, nor can you expect it.  If people think what I write is too negative - well, don't read it, that's fine, I'm not forcing you to.  But don't tell me what YOU think I should be doing in any given situation.

I am fully aware that my health, both physical and emotional, is probably clouding my judgement right now, making me feel very vulnerable and alone.  I'm not going down the antidepressant route, for my own good reasons, so don't even think of suggesting that.  I will get through things in my own way - I always do, one thing I'm not is a quitter.

The one thing I can be (and am) happy and positive about is the legacy payment I was given recently.  By a lot of people's standards, it's a quite miniscule amount, but it has more or less set us up for life.  We weren't in any debt or behind with any payments, we (well me actually, I'm the one who deals with all our finances) were jogging along fairly well financially.  Following receipt of this money, we've been able to buy a few things that were more wants than needs, and my savings accounts are well and truly topped up.  So I at least have no worries on that score.

I want to say thank you so much to all the readers and blog friends who have emailed me, you've helped me more than you know to not feel so alone.