A crap year

 What a crap year this has been, for most of us.  I got sent flowers from my friend on Christmas eve, very unexpectedly, I had to throw them away yesterday as they were all wilting and dying.  They didn't even last a week, oddly for florist flowers....somehow it just seemed to sum up how crappy things have been.

Last night, having woken up in the early hours, I couldn't get back to sleep (as usual), so put the light on to read.  I sat on the edge of the bed and accidentally knocked my book off the bedside cabinet, it bounced off my foot and shot under the bed....I just burst into tears, in a strange way it kind of felt like the last straw.

Some of my plans are unravelling - I had planned on going away for a week after my recovery from the operation (assuming it does go ahead).  However, the new covid restrictions have put paid to that...well, postponed it indefinitely, I have no idea when I'll be able to get away.  I'm not going to dwell on it though, I'll keep myself busy by starting another declutter, a major one this time, starting with my kitchen equipment cupboards.  Anything I haven't used for months, or isn't in the best condition, is going....either to the tip or to be sold cheaply on the local selling pages.  It'll all have to be stored in the garage for the time being, until restrictions are lifted.

Confined to barracks, more or less

 We went out to the supermarket early this morning to get a few fresh bits and some dog chews, it wasn't busy, thank goodness, and there didn't seem to be any shortages - well, not on the things we needed anyway.  That's the last time I'll be going shopping for several weeks, I'm under orders from the hospital to observe strict social distancing and safety measures from today, and self isolation (house arrest) from Sunday 10th until my op on the 13th.  I have to go for a Covid test on the morning of the 10th.  I've also been advised to do the strict social distancing for 14 days after my op.  I do hope it goes ahead, I'm really banking on having this op, my life is on hold until it's done.

I had to go to the surgery for a blood test yesterday.  When I got there, it turned out to be a different nurse from the one I usually have, the one I saw yesterday admitted she doesn't usually do blood tests and my heart sank.  My blood is very reluctant to come out, I always make sure i drink at least a couple of glasses of water beforehand to plump up my veins.  As I've had 100s of blood tests over the years, I know exactly where the best place is to get it from and my usual nurse doesn't have too much trouble.  This one, however, didn't seem to have a clue...I've ended up with half a dozen punctures and bruising (I bruise easily) in both arms, it's a good job I'm not remotely squeamish about it.  And she still didn't manage to get any blood at all, not a drop (3 tubes for different tests required).  So I have to go back next week to see my usual nurse, which I'm not very happy about, bloody nuisance.

I've spent the last couple of days batch cooking meals and freezing them....chilli, chicken casserole, savoury mince, meatloaf and fish pie.  So after my op when I'm recuperating, I won't have to keep getting out of bed to prep and cook meals, husband can just get one out of the freezer and do some veg to go with it, I'm sure he can manage that.  We've got pizzas, sausages, burgers, cod in batter, chips etc in the freezer too, but those kind of things I only eat once in a while, I certainly don't want them every day.

Isn't it great news about the Oxford vaccine being approved?  Hopefully it'll speed things up and we'll be getting the vaccine sooner.  Can't have it soon enough as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you again for all your support, I'm very touched.  xx

EDIT  As we're now in Tier 4, we won't be going anywhere in any case.  Good job we don't need anything.

On my own

 If there's one thing I've learnt over the past couple of weeks, it's that I'm on my own, I have to sort things out by myself, FOR myself.

Having said that, I want to thank you all for the lovely supportive comments, and messages offering me support - coming from people I've never even met.  They made me cry, you're so kind.

With the covid situation escalating, it's looking increasingly likely that my operation may be cancelled....well, postponed, whatever - I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not having it anytime soon.  Nothing I can do about that, I'll just have to carry on coping with the problems, unfortunately they've been getting worse lately.

At least christmas is over

 I spent most of Christmas eve and Christmas day in tears, I found it a lot harder this year than when Mum died last year.  Probably because it was just husband and I on our own at home.  My siblings, all of whom live a long way away, had their (adult) children with them in their own 3 household bubbles.  We couldn't see the friends we usually see at Christmas.  We didn't see any of them on screen.

This year of lockdowns, and all the problems we've had, has revealed cracks in our marriage that I've been papering over for years.  I have no idea what the future holds for us right now, I can't even begin to think about it.  I'm not going to be talking about it on here, what happens happens.  All I'm focusing on now is my bladder operation on 13 January...unless covid postpones it.  

I have to stop taking my CBD oil for 2 weeks prior to the op (orders of the pre op nurse), I actually stopped it 3 days ago just to see how I feel.  I've also stopped taking the codeine - I didn't like taking it anyway, I'm not one for taking painkillers on a regular basis as I think your body just gets used to them.  And the constipation side effects meant I was having to take other medication to combat that, which I didn't like doing either.  So I'm in pain and not sleeping very well at all.  Well, it's only pain, and at least the pain helps take my mind off other things.

Wouldn't it be nice to just close my eyes and wake up in March next year.  I hate winter.

Temporary shut down

 I'm closing the blog until after Christmas, possibly until new year, will see how I feel.

This is a bad time of year for me, as you know....well, even worse this year with the covid situation meaning we can't go anywhere or see our loved ones, of course it's the same for everyone.

My siblings and I have decided we'll try and post only funny memories of mum (there are loads, especially unintentionally funny ones, mum was a bit of a character) on our family WhatsApp group today and tomorrow.  

The rumours of another national lockdown, possibly starting on Boxing day, are depressing me....I know it's probably necessary to try and contain this new variant.  But on a personal level, I'm just worried it'll postpone my operation yet again.

Thank you to everyone for reading, commenting and supporting me over the past year.  I hope you all have the best Christmas you can under the circumstances, and here's to a better new year for all of us, with an effective vaccine for those who want it - I do.  Love and best wishes to you all xxx

Funny time for a diet

 With my recent depression, and knowing my bladder op had been put off for 6 months, I'd more or less given up with my diet.  Now that it's been set for 13 January, I need to get losing weight again....I knew I'd put some back on, I thought probably about half a stone.  So it was with some trepidation I got on the scales this morning....4lbs on, so not as bad as I thought.  So now I'm back on the diet properly....Will be a test of my willpower as I'd bought crisps, nuts and chocolates for Christmas, and made loads of mince pies and sausage rolls.  The crisps etc are all put away out of sight in the utility room, the sausage rolls and mince pies I'd frozen when I made them...I'm not really a fan of mince pies anyway, I'd made them for husband and visitors (who we won't be seeing now in any case), but I do like sausage rolls.

I'll relax the diet a bit for Christmas day, I may even have a couple of G & Ts, but will be straight back on it on boxing day.  This operation is important to me and I need to lose whatever weight I can.  I've lost the 10% of body weight (slightly more than that actually) that my consultant suggested, but whatever extra I can lose will be good.

So give me a kick up the backside on boxing day to get me going again please...in case my motivation has buggered off!  (M, that means you, help me out 😉).

Well here's a turn up for the books

 Some good news, for a change, and entirely unexpected.

As I've said before, I have a bladder problem caused by diabetic damage to nerve endings in my bladder (who knew such a thing was even a 'thing'?  I didn't).  I was supposed to have an operation to fix it in early November, but had to postpone it until mid December because of husband's foot operation - I wouldn't have been able to look after him and walk the dog, as my consultant said I will be incapacitated myself for a week or 2 afterwards.  Then a couple of weeks later, I had a letter from the hospital saying they were having to postpone all non-urgent operations, including mine, for around 6 months due to the covid situation.

Now, I know my problem is neither life threatening nor urgent - but it does have a significant daily detrimental effect on my life, physically and emotionally.  The news that I would have to put up with the problems for another 6 months or so I found very hard to cope with.  Well, on Saturday when we came back from dog walking, there was a message on the answerphone for me to ring the hospital admissions office today.  I did and the upshot is I'm going in for my op on 13 January...covid permitting, of course.  I have to observe strict social distancing, hand washing etc (I always do anyway) from the 30 December, have a covid test on 10 January and self isolate from then until I go in for the op.  To say I'm pleased is an understatement.

And I've just had a 25 minute phone assessment with the orthopaedic team re my hip, during which I had to answer a lot of questions and do a lot of precise movements, reporting back to the therapist on the range of movement and pain.  It's very weird doing exercises by yourself in a phone call in your dining room!  She confirmed the greater trochanteric pain syndrome diagnosis and is referring me for physiotherapy, which could take several weeks to get the first appointment.  More waiting....oh well, I've had the hip pain for 2 years and put up with it, another few weeks won't make much difference.  At least possible relief is on the cards in due course.  If the physio doesn't work sufficiently, then they'll give me a steroid injection.  Although she said it carries a risk of compromising my immune system (which is somewhat compromised anyway due to my diabetes and liver problems), so is something to think about.  If the physio doesn't work then I will have the injection, 2 years of pain is more than enough.

Keeping busy to stay sane

 Once again I'm very grateful for all your comments, they really do help, thank you.

I've kept myself occupied the last few days...reorganising the big freezer (how it gets so muddled up I don't know - well, I do, and it's not me!).  I did a week's menu plan using up things in the freezer to free up space for all the extra milk etc I bought in this week's shop - I got enough shopping, along with what we've got already, to see us through well into January.  We do have a big organic veg box delivery due on Christmas eve, that should last us 2 weeks.  I've organised the food cupboards in the kitchen and the extra stores cupboards in the utility room.  

I've spent time every day in my craft room, making and writing Christmas cards and some gift tags, along with thank you cards for the friends and neighbours who helped us out, and a couple of birthday cards.  Betty comes in to lie on the spare bed watching me, it's nice to have her company.  I've enjoyed crafting, it's been stimulating and calming at the same time and kept me occupied.

I realised I'd completely run out of books to read, so asked a neighbour who's an avid reader and buyer of books if she could lend me some.  She sorted out a large carrier bag full and left them on her doorstep for me to collect, that should keep me going for a while.  One of them is the supervet Noel Fitzpatrick's autobiography, should be interesting.

I'm still wishing for this year to be over, and for us to have the covid vaccination as soon as possible.  I think only then will I start to feel like the anxiety and stress might ease up.

Closing the shutters

 Somebody on a blog yesterday (I think it may have been Mrs Tiggywinkle, apologies if not) said they'd shut down emotionally in order to cope with things.  I thought how coincidental, that's exactly what I've done.  Everything's got on top of me and I'm dealing with it by closing myself off, basically.

Husband's hospital appointment went well yesterday, no replacement plaster or bandage, he's free at last.  He has to go back in 8 weeks for the surgeon to have another look once the swelling has hopefully gone down a bit more, she'll then decide whether he's to have physio.  Seems he's had 6 metal pins put in his foot, he didn't know before...well I'm sure he would have been told, he just didn't take it in.

So she said he can now resume normal life (whatever 'normal' is in this Covid world) and drive again.  We had to go to a shoe shop yesterday to get him some new footwear...most of his current shoes he can't get on as his foot is still so swollen.  The retail park was so busy, even on a Monday, it was horrible and I couldn't wait to get home again away from all the crowds.  I have to do some shopping, I'm fast running out of things like toiletries and some store cupboard and freezer staples, so I'm planning to be at the store at 8 am when it opens this morning (it's 3 am now, I can't sleep as usual), to get it over with hopefully before the crowds appear.  And then I won't be going near a shop again until the new year.  I'm having a big organic veg box delivery and a meat order next week, I shall get plenty of milk, cheese and butter in the shop this morning, so we should then be stocked up for weeks.

Ironic that now husband can drive, everywhere is far too busy for me to want to go anywhere.  The only place I'd be happy to go is my beloved Dunster beach,  but it's forecast to rain for the next week or so, and husband's foot is too tender for him to comfortably walk much right now.  So that's out as well.

Christmas?  What Christmas?  For me it's a total non event this year.  The image of my Mum 10 minutes after she died last Christmas eve is weighing heavily on my mind at the moment, as is my lovely friend's funeral - it's on the 22nd and I won't be able to go.  I'd just like to hibernate and wake up in Spring.

Thank you for all your lovely comments, I do really appreciate the support.  I sometimes feel that any emotional stuff I tell friends and family falls on deaf ears.  So I won't be saying stuff like that to them anymore.  I'm just shutting down.

Waiting

 Life feels like it's on hold here, nothing is happening, we're hardly seeing anyone other than to wave to when out with the dog.  Neighbours who normally have outside decorations up aren't bothering this year by the looks of things, or only in a very subdued way.  I've not really bothered either...not that we do a lot in terms of decorations anyway, I have even less enthusiasm for it this year.  Christmas is going to be a non event, I doubt we'll be going anywhere or seeing anyone.  I just can't wait for this year - and winter - to be over and done with.  At least it's very nearly the shortest day, we'll start to get a few minutes more daylight soon, and there are spring bulb shoots appearing in the garden.

Husband goes back to the hospital today (I still can't go with him) to have his plaster off, foot xrayed and examined by the consultant.  He's hoping it will be the last time....I'm not so confident, as his foot is still swollen.  If he comes back with yet another plaster or dressing on and news that he still can't drive for another few weeks, I think I'll just sit and cry.  It just feels like it's gone on forever.

Doing our own thing

 Lockdown hasn't been good for lots of us, and with our current Tier 2 restrictions it's not much different really, it's just lockdown by another name, we still can't visit friends or family or have them come to us.  Ok, so shops are open, but I don't much like going in them and have only been a couple of times in the past few weeks.  Lockdown has been even longer for us personally, due to us having to self isolate for 2 weeks prior to husband's operation...well, only he had to self isolate but obviously it more or less meant I had to also.  Since his op, his incapacity has meant we've been thrown together 24/7.  As we normally spend a fair bit of time apart, when he's out gardening or doing jobs for people, it's been difficult for both of us to adjust.

I think some time apart will do us both good - just short periods, I don't mean a trial separation, that's not on the cards at all.  So in the new year, when restrictions are lifted, I intend to go and stay with my brother and sister in law in Cornwall for a few days (they are aware, I'm not just going to turn up on their doorstep!).  I shall be making it a regular thing, every couple of months or so, having a few days away on my own whilst husband stays home with Betty.  In between my trips, husband can have a few trips of his own, going up to stay with his daughter in the Midlands, leaving me and the dog at home...although I have a very good relationship with his daughter, she'll be delighted to have her Dad to herself for a few days.  I think this will work well for both of us, giving us space and time to see relatives and do our own thing.

Small changes and some plans

 I've done a fair bit of baking the last couple of days....3 dozen sausage rolls, 2 dozen mince pies, most of which have gone in the freezer.  Also a couple of cheese, onion and tomato pasties using leftover pastry (we had those for lunch yesterday), and a cake.  I used to make cakes twice a week when husband worked, for him and a workmate...since he retired 3 years ago I don't make them so often.  I don't often eat cake at home, partly because of my diabetes, partly due to making cakes that husband likes, but I'm not very fond of.  He likes bread pudding and fruit cakes, any kind really, so long as they don't have nuts in.  I'm not keen on fruit cake and certainly not bread pudding, and I do like nuts in cakes!  The cake I've made is a chocolate orange cake....yummy!  Husband isn't so enamoured of it though.  I'm not going to be regularly making cakes I like but he doesn't - coffee & walnut, lemon & blueberry, Bakewell tart, chocolate hazelnut brownies - because it won't suit my diet.  But I will occasionally make one that I like, for a change, rather than just what he likes.

Once husband retired, I'd looked forward to us spending more time together, having days out, long walks in woods or countryside with the dog, picnics on the beach, exploring little towns and villages here in Somerset (it's a big county and we've not seen all of it), or further afield in neighbouring counties.  Or just browsing round a garden centre and having a drink in their coffee shops, and going to lots of local car boot sales.  I was hoping for trips out 2 or 3 times a week.  Well, that's not really happened, we've had trips out certainly, but nothing like as many as I'd hoped, once every 2 or 3 weeks if I've been lucky.  Car boot visits have been a rarity, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times we've been to one in the last couple of years....obviously this year has been a washout for that.

Since husband retired, he's taken to doing gardening and odd jobs for friends and neighbours...during spring, summer and autumn he's out several times a week, sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes most of the day, although he does usually come home for lunch.  Which means I'm stuck home alone with the dog, apart from walking her in the field.  To be fair, car maintenance has been a bit of a problem sometimes, necessitating expensive repairs a few times, and husband's prostate and bladder problems did stop us from going out sometimes last year, until his doctors finally got it under control.  Well, I've decided that I'm not going to continue in the same vein, being confined to barracks twiddling my thumbs more or less, whilst husband's out doing what he wants.  I wouldn't stop him doing what he likes doing, but I'm going to start doing things I like too....things like going to the Walled Gardens in the village (lovely gardens open to visitors, not very large but pretty, with glasshouses and a nice little cafe).  Or the Marshes nature reserve, miles of walks there - no cafe but I've bought myself a little backpack big enough to hold my small flask, sandwich and a book.  Or the town - not huge and not my favourite place, but it'll be nice to have a browse round the shops on my own, something I rarely - well, never - get to do.  All these are things for next year, of course, husband can drop me off, go off and do his jobs, then pick me up later.

I'm also going to investigate what courses are available at the local college....I quite fancy doing something arty or crafty, like pottery or jewellery making or papercraft.  I might see if there are any local groups who go on coach trips to cathedrals, gardens or manor houses...none of which husband is that keen on, but I am.

So there are a few of my plans.  I'd still like days out with husband, but if he's going to continue to be too busy next year, I shall do my own thing.

Changing and evolving

 Having done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, I've realised something - I've been a bit of a doormat over the years.  I've allowed things to happen - that goes back to things that happened to me in my childhood.  I've kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself, I've gone along with what others wanted, even if it wasn't what I wanted.  I've sat back and let others do the talking, because it was easier to just sit in the background and let others take centre stage.  I've done mostly what those around me wanted to do, rather than choosing things myself.  There have only been a handful of times over the years when I've asserted myself and said No, I'm not doing that, when I've felt so strongly about something that I just couldn't let it go on.

This year has had a big impact on all of us in different ways....negative for some, positive for others.  And husband's operation and subsequent incapacity has been a major factor in how things have been for me, the catalyst if you like.  I've felt for a long time that I was fading away....not my physical health, but as though I was becoming more and more invisible, like bits of my shadow were breaking off and disappearing.  I've felt taken for granted, ignored even - and not just by husband, I have to add.

Well, not anymore, things WILL be changing.  I'm 61 and have (thankfully relatively minor) health problems - I'm going to have a life, the kind of life I want, before it's too late.  I've started in a small way, making a few small changes here and there, and being more assertive.  It feels empowering.

Sad but lovely memories

 My lovely friend didn't manage another week, she died yesterday.  No pain anymore...and she always had pain, as she had scoliosis.  You'd never hear her complain, although sometimes a little frown would cross her face when she was walking or even sitting...when I asked if she was ok, she'd wave it off and say something like 'oh I'm a little stiff today darling....but how are YOU?'.  There's an example there to follow, I think.  She called me Lovely Girl, which always made me smile...I'm 61 so it's a long time since I was a girl.  She was 74, but had a very young outlook and wore some lovely stylish colourful clothes, she did love colour.  

I've been keeping busy, and smiling when I think about her.  It was a privilege to know her.

A better but ultimately sad day

 I felt much better this morning, after a lovely chat with my best friend last night.  Things are what they are, there's not much I can do to improve matters right now, that can only come with time.  So I just have to grin and bear it....or be miserable for weeks.

To answer a few comments....it turned out to be a bit of a misunderstanding between myself, friend and their spouse...friend assures me there's no problem with lifts, it's all fine.  Good, that's that out of the way.

I'm well aware that it's not practical for us to stay here, and husband's current incapacity has certainly brought that into sharp focus.  We've lived here, very happily, for more than 8 years - when we first moved here we were a long way off retirement, mobile and in very good health.  Perhaps we should have thought (a long way) ahead....hindsight is a wonderful thing!  We don't regret moving here though, it's lovely, especially in summer, and we've made some wonderful friends in this little hamlet.

Finding a new place is not going to be easy....quite difficult in fact, due to our personal circumstances (which I have no intention of talking about here).  Difficult is just that though, not impossible.  I'm sure something suitable will turn up in due course, I'm a firm believer both in fate and in making things happen, if you want something enough then you go out and get it!

And then the sad thing....a very dear friend of mine, a lovely lady I've known for several years, is terminally ill with spinal cancer which has spread.  I had a phone call today to say the end won't be long now, a week at most.  She's being well cared for at home by her lovely long term partner and daughter, with support from carers and Macmillan nurses, she is now unable to speak and is on intravenous morphine, so is hopefully not in pain.  I last spoke to her on the phone about a month ago, although weak she was as cheerful as ever...she's always been like that.  I'm very sad that I won't be able to see or speak to her again, or go to her funeral, but am glad I got to talk to her one last time.  And I'll always have very happy memories of her and her lovely man.  We've had so many deaths of close family and friends in the last 2 or 3 years.

Can't be arsed (swear alert)

 It's one of those 'can't be arsed to do anything' days.  For 2 pins I'd wrap up and take myself off for a day out somewhere on my own, but that's an impossibility.  And before anyone thinks of saying just make a flask and go out for a walk....don't, it's just not feasible here, certainly not in winter.  We live in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farmers' fields, the lanes are very narrow and very muddy, with NO pavements (literally none), and the fields are so muddy and waterlogged you're up to your ankles or even calves in mud.  I can't go anywhere unless I ask someone to take me, which I really can't do - having had to ask people several times recently to take me to GP or hospital appointments, and 2 appointments for the dog, I'm fed up with having to ask, it's embarrassing enough when it's a necessary appointment.  And one friend said the other day their spouse had raised eyebrows when they said they were taking me to an appointment, so I'm clearly making a nuisance of myself.

I'm just so bloody fed up of being imprisoned indoors, other than the twice daily dog walks, which aren't exactly thrilling for either Betty or myself, given that we can only walk the narrow lanes or a quagmire of a field.  And fed up with being taken for granted.  And just plain downright sodding bored to tears - there's only so much housework or cooking I can (or am willing!) to do.  As for crafting, e.g. making Christmas cards.....I'm just not in the mood for it, Christmas can bugger right off this year as far as I'm concerned.

Husband was very rude about the dinner I cooked yesterday - he didn't like it, fair enough, I wasn't forcing him to eat it, but he could have just said 'sorry darling, it's not to my taste but thank you for the effort you made' instead of being tactless and insulting.  I'd leave him to do the cooking if it wasn't for the fact that he has no imagination and I'd have to spend so much time constantly telling him what to do (because everything I tell him just goes in one ear and straight out the other), it's just easier to do it myself.  He's dyslexic so can't follow a recipe.

I'll be fine tomorrow I expect....tomorrow is another day (well not another one like today I bloody hope!!)

If anyone says 'think yourself lucky ' or 'count your blessings ' though, I shall probably scream - you have been warned!

Good news

 Well, the GP wanted to see me because he wanted to examine my hip and leg, and to give me some surprising news about the xray.  I don't have arthritis, he said there's no sign of it at all on the xray.  He went on to say that having no arthritis in my hips at my age (always makes me feel ancient when they say that!) is quite amazing, especially since close family members have/had it...many people will have at least some signs of hip or knee arthritis by the age of 60, apparently.

What I do have is Greater Trochanteric Pain Syndrome, formerly called Trochanteric Bursitis....I knew that anyway, the previous doctor I saw last year said I had it, although she also said she thought I had osteo arthritis too.  It's good news as far as I'm concerned, as it means I don't need a hip replacement, and the condition is treatable.  The GP (a new doctor to our practice, a very nice Scottish man aged about 50) said the pain I'm currently experiencing has very likely been exacerbated by all the dog walking I've been doing, he said resting my leg would be preferable!  Not going to be happening though, until husband has his plaster off....I've done the twice daily dog walks for the past month or more, another 10 days or so won't kill me.

He's sending me for an ultrasound scan, followed by an injection - corticosteroid I think.  No idea when that might be though.  In the meantime, he said cold packs would help...oh and he also said I'm not taking enough codeine, just 1 per night is not enough to get on top of the pain, he said if I didn't want to take the 4 doses per day he'd originally prescribed, then I should at least consider taking 2.  I'll see....I don't really want to take any more if I can avoid it.

I did take 2 yesterday evening....after he'd been throwing my leg around and poking it about, I was in agony.  It's still very sore today, I think I'd rather take more CBD oil than codeine though.

On the whole, I'm pleased at the outcome - I don't have to have an op and the pain should be reduced, if not disappear, in due course.

We've started receiving Christmas cards....I have hardly even made a start on making mine yet, let alone thought about writing and sending them.  I did play around with some design bits the other day, I guess I'd better get a move on.  I don't feel in the mood at all really though, that's the problem.  No idea what we're doing at Christmas with the 3-household covid restrictions in place....staying home just the 2 of us, probably.  I'm still feeling ambivalent about Christmas anyway, seeing as this will be the first anniversary of Mum's death on Christmas eve.  

Fog lifting

 Two things happened yesterday which lifted my spirits.

Firstly, an unexpected dog walk with my best friend, who I don't see nearly enough of due to Covid and just general life stuff.  It was chilly and fairly short, but really nice.  We went to the Marshes nature reserve, which I haven't been able to get to since before husband's operation.  Betty enjoyed running up and down the long paths and rolling around in the long grass verges, and I enjoyed the brief catch up with my friend.

Then in the evening we had a family quiz, organised by my sister, on WhatsApp video, I'd forgotten all about it and had to be reminded.  It was so good for us siblings (my 2 brothers and my sister) and spouses to be able to get together, albeit on computer, for an hour and a half, we haven't all been together since just after mum's funeral.  The quiz part turned out to be hilarious, we were in stitches half the time.  Then we just sat and chatted for a while.  We've agreed to make it a regular thing, taking it in turns to be quizmaster.

This afternoon I'm going to the GP, for the results of my hip x-ray.  I am a bit concerned about it....I don't know why he wants to see me, in view of the covid restrictions meaning that most consultations are done by phone.  If it was just to say that the x-ray shows I definitely have arthritis, then he could tell me that on the phone, but he specifically asked to see me in surgery.  Still, I'll find out soon enough, I might be worrying about nothing.

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments, they really moved me.  The depression is beginning to lift, although the Tier 2 thing is getting me down - it's just lockdown by another name, we still can't visit people or have hugs.  I am cheered by the thought of the vaccine though, husband and I will certainly have it as soon as we can.