Somebody on a blog yesterday (I think it may have been Mrs Tiggywinkle, apologies if not) said they'd shut down emotionally in order to cope with things. I thought how coincidental, that's exactly what I've done. Everything's got on top of me and I'm dealing with it by closing myself off, basically.
Husband's hospital appointment went well yesterday, no replacement plaster or bandage, he's free at last. He has to go back in 8 weeks for the surgeon to have another look once the swelling has hopefully gone down a bit more, she'll then decide whether he's to have physio. Seems he's had 6 metal pins put in his foot, he didn't know before...well I'm sure he would have been told, he just didn't take it in.
So she said he can now resume normal life (whatever 'normal' is in this Covid world) and drive again. We had to go to a shoe shop yesterday to get him some new footwear...most of his current shoes he can't get on as his foot is still so swollen. The retail park was so busy, even on a Monday, it was horrible and I couldn't wait to get home again away from all the crowds. I have to do some shopping, I'm fast running out of things like toiletries and some store cupboard and freezer staples, so I'm planning to be at the store at 8 am when it opens this morning (it's 3 am now, I can't sleep as usual), to get it over with hopefully before the crowds appear. And then I won't be going near a shop again until the new year. I'm having a big organic veg box delivery and a meat order next week, I shall get plenty of milk, cheese and butter in the shop this morning, so we should then be stocked up for weeks.
Ironic that now husband can drive, everywhere is far too busy for me to want to go anywhere. The only place I'd be happy to go is my beloved Dunster beach, but it's forecast to rain for the next week or so, and husband's foot is too tender for him to comfortably walk much right now. So that's out as well.
Christmas? What Christmas? For me it's a total non event this year. The image of my Mum 10 minutes after she died last Christmas eve is weighing heavily on my mind at the moment, as is my lovely friend's funeral - it's on the 22nd and I won't be able to go. I'd just like to hibernate and wake up in Spring.
Thank you for all your lovely comments, I do really appreciate the support. I sometimes feel that any emotional stuff I tell friends and family falls on deaf ears. So I won't be saying stuff like that to them anymore. I'm just shutting down.
Sooze, the fact you are writing through this awful awful testing times you are having is amazing. You are keeping going come what may. I read two books to a little one yesterday and it even made me have a think - it said to invite your sadness in ( as if it's a being ) instead of trying to shut it away or run away from it, ask it what it needs from you and talk to it. The other book was called happiness and again think of it as a being - you had to go looking for it rather than it being a thing we can have when we want. Happiness hides really well so sometimes you have to search everywhere and it can make itself teeny and impossible to find but is is there in the most strange places.
ReplyDeleteI do understand what you mean by shutting down as I am a shutter
downerer too.
So pleased for you and the hubby that he can chauffeur you about like the lady what you are! I have demanded that my HG take me to Asda tonight for a few bits that I need. I may even sit in the back like Lady Penelope! ( More like driving Miss Daisy! )
Do something nice for yourself today. x
You are getting through and thats the important thing and now your husband can drive you'll be able to get to Dunster beach as soon as we get a bit of dry weather. Even if you don't get out of the car you can watch the waves roll in (unless the tide is miles out of course!)and breathe that sea air
ReplyDeleteI'm glad hubby's appointment went well. He can only continue to improve now. I think we've all got so many emotions fighting for attention at the moment, that sometimes it's too much to deal with. Could hubby drive you to Dunster beach and you could have a picnic in the car if it's too wet and windy. You might be able to snatch a quick stroll there, with Betty, while hubby stays in the car. Be gentle on yourself. Christmas will be a washout this year, but I'm sure better days for all of us are ahead. Hang on in there, girl! xx
ReplyDeleteIt's a hollow freedom, as you say everywhere is too busy to feel comfortable to be. Please share your feelings here, we can help, we all have hard times in our lives and before it was family and friends who got you through. These days with lockdowns and fear we have our blogging friends to help lift us, when contact has been taken away from us.
ReplyDeleteYou're coming on here most days and getting your thoughts out of your head briefly and down in black and white which can only be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteHH's idea of a drive to the beach, a car picnic and then your and Betty having a brief walk is a brilliant one, and you can order hubby to sit there with the window open while you are walking so that he at least gets some lovely fresh air. It could blow some cobwebs away for both of you and exercise the doggy as well.
I am so glad that hubbys appointment went so well. Hopefully you will get to your beloved Dunstar beach soon and watch the waves crashing along the shoreline. I find the beach quite soothing whatever the weather and sit in the car and watch it with a flask and a sandwich. Take care.
ReplyDeleteGlad that your husband's foot is out of plaster and now he can drive you won't feel like a prisoner at home. Yes, Dunster and it's large pebbles is probably not the best place for a walk and I bet Betty would want a run on the sand. Have you been to Great Wood at Ramscombe? Our spaniel used to love running around there. Where ever you go, take your flask and a snack and as others have said, blow the cobwebs away, even if it's only in the car.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine Christmas will have sad memories of your Mum from last year. Christmas will not be the same at all for the majority of people this year, but hopefully we can all enjoy some small pleasures. Hope the shopping was not too awful.
I went to see my Dad after he had died and have regretted it ever since, this was back in 1973. I vowed that I would never do it again and remember the person as they were.
ReplyDeleteAs for disconnecting, I think you are right Sooze.
We have been doing that all through this 'business' we don't watch the news or buy papers, I obviously get snippits of what is going on but put it all on the back burner.
Just look after yourselves first and shut off the things that bother you.
hugs
Briony
x
One foot forward...so to speak. You will feel like going , once you get out and go. Even if you sit in the car and get used to people once again.
ReplyDeleteLots of funerals can now be attended on Zoom. I hear from friends that it is very successful and they also find it gives them a way to be included in saying goodbye to the loved one and comforting.
ReplyDeleteGreat news that your husband's foot has been freed and he can drive again. Hopefully you'll get a clear day and few hours of sun soon, despite the gloomy weather forecast, and enjoy a drive out to the beach.
Hi Sooze, yes, it was me. Whenever I have heard anyone talking about clinical depression as "feeling sad" I have explained to them that depression isn't about feeling sad, it's about not feeling anything. At least, that's how it is for me. The only person I have heard talk about it like that is Ruby Wax. You have had such a lot of rubbish thrown at you over this last year that it's no wonder you are finding it hard to cope, and I'm aware that as well as the emotional difficulties, you are often in pain, and managing pain is exhausting and leaves even less energy to deal with your grief and upset. I wish I could say or do something that would help you. Please know that there are many people out here in Blogland who care about you, and give yourself whatever treats you need to get through this Christmas season. It's allowed. xx
ReplyDeleteYou have described how I'm feeling exactly, thank you so much xx
DeleteDear Sooze, I hope there's a little chink of light getting through those closed shutters. Hugs. xxx
ReplyDelete