Emotional blackmail - when to say No

 Our Problem Relative, who I shall hereafter call PR for simplicity, had been very quiet for a few weeks....ominously so.  Whilst we are all grateful for the respite, we all know that it is generally the calm before the storm.  Well, the storm started breaking a couple of days ago, culminating in full-on hurricane/tsunami yesterday.

The PR has been a massive problem for literally years and years, partly due to being coddled and babied for his early life and had everything done for him.  He is epileptic, although rarely has fits nowadays, but suffers with no end of other physical and a lot of mental problems.  He did undergo some psychiatric tests years ago, but soon flatly refused to do any more, or see the psychiatrist again.  Consequently, the psychiatrist couldn't make a definite diagnosis, he said the PR definitely had OCD, agoraphobia and chronic depression, probably a social phobia, likely some kind of personality disorder and some signs of schizophrenia - that was as much as he could say without further investigations and tests, although he did prescribe some medications.  We (my relatives and I) have arranged numerous kinds of assistance for him - a mental health worker and a social worker to help him with day to day living and tasks, a friend who worked in the care system who was willing to visit him weekly on a friend basis, loads of health appointments, etc etc - to no avail.  He did allow the mental health worker to visit a couple of times, then was extremely rude to (swearing at) her, ordered her out and insisted she not come again and remove him from their books.  He did the same to the social worker a couple of weeks later.  The friend he wouldn't even allow in the house.

He's had an inpatient psychiatric stay - he discharged himself after just a couple of days.  A couple of years ago he fell down the stairs at home, banging his head and splitting it open, he went to hospital by ambulance accompanied by a relative.  His head wound turned out to be superficial, the A&E doctor did a few tests and told the relative that PR appeared to have some kind of cardiac problem, but they would need to keep him in and do more tests.  The PR flatly refused and discharged himself, the A&E doc said there was nothing further they could do as he was an adult and appeared to be lucid (they were overwhelmingly busy, rushed off their feet).  The doc wrote on the discharge notes that the PR was leaving against medical advice and there was a risk of sudden death due to his undiagnosed heart problems.  PR's response to this was to become even more of a hermit and point blank refuse any further medical help.

The PR has caused all of us so many problems over the years - with police, the health service, his neighbours, his bank, tradesmen and delivery drivers, workmen who have gone to do jobs in his home, sex workers on chatlines who are just out to get his money.  He frequently rings the Samaritans (who apparently are always kind) and calls 999 to ask for an ambulance regularly....generally he rings back a short while later and cancels it, sometimes an ambulance comes and he either won't let them in, or refuses to be taken to hospital.  They always ring one of us for a chat about him.  We are concerned that he is making such a nuisance of himself that they will blacklist him - they are already overstretched, as we all know.

He flies off the handle over stupid and trivial things - this time it's because his TV has broken down - he lives alone and has 2 TVs, plus a laptop he can watch programmes on, so it's not a disaster.  He has Amazon Prime (and a healthy bank balance) so could simply order a new one!  He worked himself up into a frenzy yesterday and then started with the threats to do himself in.  At which point I blocked him.  Before anyone starts thinking I'm a right hard-hearted bitch - he's threatened suicide literally dozens and dozens of times over the years and to date has never so much as taken ONE extra paracetamol, and during his relatively 'normal' times (normal for him that is) has frequently said he hasn't got the guts to do anything to himself.  It's pure emotional blackmail when he's not getting his own way.

My relatives and I are virtually immune to it all now, it's been going on for so long and always follows a pattern - he'll throw his weight about and make a downright nuisance of himself, getting very abusive in the process, until he finally burns himself out and goes quiet for a day or two, before spending the next week or so deleting all the foul messages he put in texts and on FB, slagging us all off, and bending over backwards issuing ridiculously OTT apologies and saying how much he loves us all.  It's exhausting.  He has no quality of life and regularly disrupts our lives.  It's not going to end well, we all know that.  Frankly, it will be a relief all round when it does.

I've turned off comments, this is just to get things off my chest.

Got it! And ouch

 I think I've got the hang of tree painting now.....well, my watercolour efforts need more practise, definitely, but the acrylic attempts have come on in leaps and bounds.  I've learnt a lot - brush handling, size and type of brushes to use, don't load the brush with too much paint, use a bit of scrap paper for the first few strokes to take off excess paint.  Don't rest your hand on what you've just painted! 😂 I'm enjoying the process a lot, it's fun.  I'll put some pictures on when I'm ready for my efforts to be seen in public! 😁

There's a municipal park in Minehead town centre....well, just off the town centre, although I was aware of it we've never actually been there before, despite living here nearly a year now and having been frequent visitors to the town for years.  So I decided we'd go for a look and walk around yesterday - I thought it best not to take Betty on our initial visit as, although dogs are allowed, we didn't know what it was like.  Just as well we didn't - there were loads of squirrels there, a dozen or so....Betty hates squirrels with a passion, so she'd have been barking her head off constantly.  It's about 3 acres in size, paths everywhere around loads of well-maintained flower beds, lots of trees of all shapes and sizes - almost an arboretum, there are that many trees.  Loads of flowering shrubs and plants still in flower, beds full of newly planted winter pansies.  There's a bandstand, lots and lots of bench seating, a playground for children, some sporting facilities.  And a cafe!  So in we went for a coffee and cake - my suggestion, of course.  The cake was nice - I had raspberry and cream sponge, husband had a large date and ginger cookie.  The coffee though was only so-so, I've had better.  But now we know it's there, it'll be a nice place to pop to for a stroll when in town.  It's very well maintained by the local Council, and some of the flower beds are sponsored and taken care of by volunteers and local businesses, it's a credit to them all.  So I did get my coffee and cake, albeit a day late!

K, I did laugh at your surprise present of a marrow from your husband!  Did he cook it - now that would have made it worthwhile 😂😂  My husband did once ask me, years ago, if I wanted a new ironing board for my birthday....he didn't make that mistake again after seeing the expression on my face.

Yesterday afternoon the problem disc in my lower back popped out again whilst I was putting some stuff in the airing cupboard....normally I can pop it back in with a bit of wiggling around, but not this time.  It was blimmin agony for a few hours, I could neither sit nor stand comfortably, I settled for some painkillers (codeine, so now I'll be constipated for a day or 2 😠) and a hot wheat bag behind my back in my armchair.  Had a bit of an uncomfortable night (didn't need my wheat bag, Betty pressed up against my back was warmth enough.....although she does fidget a lot!), but it's easier this morning, I think the disc has gone back in.  Just a rather sore ache now.

Birthday

 My birthday was yesterday.  I did the shopping first thing whilst husband was at the gym.  Back home, after unpacking and putting the shopping away, I prepped lunch and dinner - my choice of food.  I did savoury filled croissants for our lunch - ham and Swiss cheese for husband, the cheese and sliced mushrooms in mine, I heated them up in my sandwich maker to melt the cheese.  We were having a (bought) salmon wellington for dinner, I did sliced new potatoes and leeks in a cheese sauce to go with it, along with peas.  Yummy.  A bought lemon & clementine mousse thing for dessert.

I suggested we go out for a drive after lunch, and a stop off somewhere for coffee and cake.  Husband suggested Dunster beach - not much of a drive, it's only about 10 minutes away!  And I'm not sure if the cafe on the holiday camp there is still open now, it may well be seasonal as the chalets aren't open all year round.  So I suggested somewhere further afield and where we hadn't been before, such as a drive up into the hills and across Exmoor, ending up at Lynton/Lynmouth and then taking the coast road home.  So that's what we did.  We saw lots of scenery, sheep, cows and wild Exmoor ponies - well, glimpses of them as we rushed past at the speed of light 😒😂.  Going out in the car for husband means A to B, it's all about the destination not the journey, he never thinks to stop (or even slow down!) to take in the views.  We didn't stop for coffee either, despite passing 3 tea rooms along the way.....which husband didn't even notice as he has tunnel vision when driving.  I'm not blaming him, he doesn't do it deliberately - he was a professional HGV driver most of his working life so he's always been used to getting to where he was going, unloading and then getting back to the depot asap, he doesn't know any different really and doesn't do driving for fun - it's a means to an end.  I do understand that.  He also drives too fast - I'm not saying he speeds (although he has been done for speeding twice in the past - not in his lorry I might add!), but he always drives at (or just above if he thinks I'm not watching) the speed limit.

Whenever husband has had a significant birthday, all throughout our married life, I've arranged something special for him as a surprise - a short break, day out, family get together, meals out.  He's never done that for me - not at all.  He rarely buys me anything either, he'll generally tell me to buy something I want and he'll pay for it.  At least that means I always get what I want!!  It's not that he doesn't love me - I know he does.  He's just got zero imagination and doesn't think at all.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for myself - after 41 years of marriage I'm totally used to it.  But it would just have been nice to have a surprise gift or special day out, even once.  It's not going to happen now, not after all this time and with his future declining cognitive state.  I guess the writing was on the wall when we were first courting, and our first Valentines day came up, we'd been going out just under a year then.  I got him a card....he didn't get me one.  When I expressed my disappointment, he gave me 50p out of his pocket and suggested I buy myself one if it meant that much to me!  (he's never been a fan of what he calls 'pointless celebration' days).

Back home, I had a go at some watercolour painting of simple Christmas type pine trees.....the first couple weren't even recognisable as trees!  By the 6th, 7th and 8th attempts though, there was a distinct improvement.  All the artists I've watched on videos make it look so easy - well I dare say it gets easier with time and lots of practise.  I'll carry on having a go with both watercolours and acrylics, at this early stage though I think I prefer acrylics - watercolour paint is very unpredictable, the water makes the paint go everywhere! 😂 (which I guess is kind of the point!).

Dismal

 I've just been outside to hang washing on the line and it's dismal out there....misty with that dampness in the air and very cold, my fingers were freezing.  Just put the heating on...the room thermostat says 18 deg but it feels much colder, husband said he's feeling the cold as well.  I doubt very much that the washing will dry, it'll have to go on the airer in front of the hall radiator when I get it in later.  No rain forecast for today, but supposed to be misty all day.  Very similar weather forecast all week, not a bit of sunshine to be seen on the weather app.  How dreary.

I didn't get any painting done yesterday - having been a dull morning, by lunchtime it had changed to very dismal with fine misty rain and so dark we had to switch lights on.  This sort of weather I find so depressing.  Sigh.  Never mind, it'll soon be Spring! (I have to keep telling myself that).

Husband has just had a phone call from the GP (he actually remembered to put the phone on loudspeaker so I could hear the conversation), he'd rung to tell husband the results of the nerve conduction tests he had on his feet a couple of weeks ago.  The tests showed he has diabetic neuropathy in both his lower legs and feet, to accompany the background retinopathy in his eyes.  This is all very strange really, as husband is only borderline diabetic (on no medication for it, diet controlled only), diagnosed 4 or 5 years ago.  Whereas I've been diabetic for about 12 years and am on meds, mine is well controlled and I always get praised by the diabetes nurse at my annual check up for having such good control.  I have no diabetes related problems - no retinopathy or neuropathy, so I asked the GP why husband has.  He said basically I'm lucky and husband isn't! (said with a laugh).  He said there's no rhyme or reason to it, some people are just unluckier than others, everybody is different.  Unfortunately, there's no treatment for the neuropathy, other than pain relief which husband says he doesn't need as it's not particularly painful.  The GP said it may get worse with time, or it may not.  It does explain why husband is unsteady on his feet and is always stumbling.  The GP said he must take good care of his feet and especially not walk around barefooted, as with having less sensation in his feet, he could possibly tread on something and hurt his feet and wouldn't necessarily feel it.  When he goes to the loo in the night he rarely puts his slippers on, so I've told him he must.  No doubt he'll forget, so that's something else I'll have to keep reminding him about.

Talking of forgetting, husband has been doing that a lot lately.  This morning he insisted I told him we were going shopping today - we're not, I'd already told him - twice - yesterday that when he goes to the gym tomorrow, Wednesday, he'll be dropping me off at the supermarket and I'll do the shopping then (by myself!  Without him rushing me around and putting stuff in the trolley that either I don't want or need, or that I've already put in myself 😒.  So it'll be bliss to do it by myself).  He also forgot to ring his daughter at the weekend, despite me reminding him several times, and then rang her yesterday during the day.....forgetting that she was working and isn't supposed to take personal calls at work.  Some days he's more forgetful than others, I expect he'll get back to 'normal' - his normal - in due course.

I had a lie-in this morning - not intentionally, I had a bad night and didn't get to sleep until well after 02.00 am - no particular reason, I'm not worrying about anything (well, unless it's subconsciously), it was just one of those nights I think.  I normally get up around 06.30 - I've always been an early riser - but this morning it was 07.20.....nearly an hour later than normal.  Even husband was up before me.

You don't know until you try

 I think part of the reason for my current down in the dumps feeling is that we're at home a lot - apart from shopping, and short daily dog walks (even Betty's not keen on long walks now she's getting older) we don't really go out much.  Husband has gone off to the gym again this morning, he's quite enthusiastic about it at the moment (well, as enthusiastic as he gets about anything).  How long that will last I don't know, he does get fed up of things quite quickly, but I'll certainly encourage him to keep going.  The fact that he's paying a monthly direct debit for it may keep him going there, he won't like the thought of wasting money if he doesn't go.  So one day a week I will make a point of getting him to drop me in town on a gym day, and tell him I want at least 1.5 hours to mooch around - if he chooses to finish the gym early like he did last week, then he will have to go in one of the cafes (there are lots in town) and wait for me there.  And one day a week we will go out for a drive, taking Betty with us - there are lots of places around here we've not yet been to, so it'll be good to do more exploring.  Being at home a lot doesn't bother me overly, as such - I can always find plenty to do - but I do get a bit stir-crazy sometimes.  As I've said before, husband has no indoor hobbies whatsoever, apart from the odd game of chess or sudoku on his computer.  If he's not playing those, then he's watching (or rather, falling asleep in front of) the TV, he'd happily watch it all day long.

I've made dog biscuits this morning - banana, peanut butter and oat flour.  I only buy 100% pure peanut butter, absolutely no additives, so nothing nasty like xylitol (which is toxic to dogs) or palm oil.  Betty's just had one to taste test and clearly approved, as she ate it straight away.  Well, she gave it a good licking before crunching it up 😁.

Husband has bought me 2 pairs of pyjamas and a pair of leggings for my birthday.....well, I got them and he paid, which means I get exactly what I want.  It's forecast to be overcast but dry and not very windy all week, so I think we'll go for a drive on Wednesday, my birthday - we'll probably take a packed lunch, including for Betty, and maybe get a coffee out somewhere.

I've watched loads of videos now for watercolour tree and flower painting.....I think it's time I just went for it and did it, so that's what I'll do this afternoon.  For some reason, I feel less confident about watercolour painting than I did about acrylics...not sure why!  What could go wrong - it's just trying out a bit of painting, just for myself - it's not a commission or a masterpiece! 😂 Anyway, I won't know if I can paint well enough for Christmas cards unless I actually get on and do it....

Introspective

 I'm 65 next week - how on earth did I get to be so old?! 😲 I don't feel 65 at all......although my joints will probably disagree!  Although I don't like the thought of getting older (who does?), I'm not complaining - it's a privilege to reach this age, many people don't.  I'm thankful I wake up every morning, and am relatively healthy.

Having said all that, I'm feeling quite introspective at the moment, a bit down in the dumps if truth be told.  This time of year has never been my favourite, especially December - several death anniversaries of close family and friends, a couple of birthdays of deceased loved ones, it's a rollover of sad events, although I do try to remember the good times and not the bad/sad ones.

Whilst moving here has, for the most part, been one of the best things to have happened to us, in one way it's not so good.  And that is that I've got nobody here who I could call a friend.  Most people here are quite a bit older than me, there are only 2 ladies around my age - one is quite bonkers, to put it bluntly, and not really someone I particularly want to get close to, she's too problematic.  The other is friendly enough, but is one of those people who is always on the go, she'll talk for just a couple of minutes before saying "Must get on, got tons to do" and rushes off.  She doesn't walk anywhere I've noticed - she marches like she's in a tearing hurry and seems to be fizzing with excess energy.  'Busy busy' seems to be her motto.  Back where we used to live, I had 2 or 3 good friends who I could have coffee and a chat with regularly, and I miss that.  Someone who I was very good friends with for more than 15 years has distanced themselves, they've been conspicuous by their absence for about a year, contact has been less and less and has dwindled to more or less nothing, which I find really sad.  And they won't tell me why.  My siblings live many miles away, unfortunately.  So I do get lonely at times.

The friend mentioned above said I should try joining some local clubs - it's all very well saying that, but I am by nature quite shy and a bit of an introvert (years of staying in the background letting husband take the limelight).  So the thought of joining something where I know nobody fills me with something like horror, actually.  I've found as I've got older that my confidence has taken a battering and I do suffer with anxiety and nerves, I've even had panic attacks on a few occasions - I do have medication for this.

I'm not sitting around moping, I do keep myself busy at home and get out for walks when I can (when the weather is dry and not too cold - I don't do walking in rough weather!).  It's just that sometimes it would be good to sit and have a coffee, a laugh and a natter with someone other than husband, who spends much of his time either watching stuff on TV that I'm not remotely interested in, or is asleep.  I have such a brilliant time when my sister, or my friend who lives the other side of the country, are here, it's a pity they both live so far away and are only able to visit a couple of times a year.

Anyway.....I've been watching a few youtube videos on painting trees and flowers using acrylic and watercolour paints.  I did some practising with acrylics yesterday, getting some valuable experience with different types of brushes and mixing colours, I've got a couple of ideas for simple Christmas cards, I'll enjoy doing those.

Loads of energy and enthusiasm (it'll soon wear off!!). And can you....?

 I've woken up raring to go this morning (quite a rarity nowadays 😂).  Husband has gone to the gym and has a short list of things I need from the supermarket afterwards.  At 8 am I was showered, dressed and standing on a stool in front of one of the double wall cupboards, which had (already!) got messy, with things all higgledy-piggledy and some items shoved to the back where I couldn't reach them.  It's all sorted out now, I've used small baskets (I had a stack of them I brought home from the caravan) to put all my herbs & spices, various gravy granules and stock cubes, and pastas in.  So now everything is kept together with like for like, in baskets where I can easily see it all.  One job done.  I've also sliced a load of red onions and they're now slowly caramelising in butter and olive oil.....some for French onion soup to cook brown rice in, as I mentioned yesterday.  The rest will be to top a red pesto, cheese and onion flatbread I shall make tomorrow, to go with southern fried chicken for husband, and scampi for me, for dinner tomorrow evening, with coleslaw and salad.

I'm having a break with my second coffee, then will make a date and walnut cake - a big traybake one that I can cut into squares and freeze half of.  The freezer is now well stocked with batch cooked meals I've made this week, plus scones and cake.  I'm all cooked out now so will be eating out of the freezer next week.

There was an article in the paper this morning about how long you can balance standing on one leg - some doctor or scientist has worked out timings according to age groups.  Apparently, if you can maintain your balance on one leg for a good amount of seconds, it's very beneficial or shows how well you're ageing, or something like that!  Anyway, for my age group the time was around 30 seconds - I only managed 18 early this morning, although I've just done it again and got to 24 this time - in my defence I do have trochanteric bursitis in my hips and a regularly prolapsing disc in my lower back, both of which affect my balance and walking/standing.  Needs improvement though!  Husband has terrible balance issues, due to his health conditions and some of the medications he's on - he could only manage 3 seconds, for his age group it should be 18 or 19 apparently.  Hopefully, going to the gym regularly (he's been 3x this week, which he says he wants to do every week) should improve his fitness.  How about you, can you stand on one leg for a good length of time?  The article was in the Mail here, if anyone's interested in reading it.

I'm going to make a start on practising painting some Christmas cards this afternoon, it'll be my first attempt at painting with acrylics.  I've got loads of drawing and painting paper and card blanks, so plenty of scope for practise.  It'll just be a simple design to start with.