Time to get healthy

 Christmas has been packed away, I've done it over the past couple of days, I can't stand it all hanging around after the day is over.  All that's left is the bare tree, waiting to be folded up and put back in its box in the cupboard - I've just asked husband to do that, as he's lounging in his recliner armchair doing nothing again.  I've also gently prodded him again and said he really needs to get some interests and start doing things to be more active - he's just idling his life away.  His gym is closed for a fortnight so he's not even got that to do.  There are various small jobs that need doing in the garden which I've asked husband to do over the past couple of weeks - he's done none of them.  I know it's winter and is cold, but if he wraps up well there's nothing stopping him going out there and doing the odd little job, each thing would only take him 10 mins or so.  He's just got into this lazy, can't be bothered rut - he's not depressed, he just gets like this sometimes, needs prodding (which causes him to moan like hell) every so often to break the habit.

I've emailed the village hall contact and also put a post on our local FB page, asking for information re the Tai Chi classes - no replies as yet, I'm assuming people are away or not checking their emails/socials.  All I know is that the class takes place on a Wednesday morning, I doubt it will be on tomorrow, hopefully it might start up again next week.  If I've not heard anything by then, I'll have a walk to the hall on Wednesday morning and see if anyone's there.  I did go yesterday to look at the notice board outside the village hall - however, there was almost nothing on it, most notices had been taken down.

I'd just dozed off last night, still had the bedside lamp on but my book had fallen out of my hands onto the bed.  Husband then came in, woke me up and started a conversation about the taste of our latest toothpaste, followed by something about the Titanic he'd just been watching on TV.  Once again I reminded him that my time after I've gone to bed is just that, my time, for reading, relaxing and winding down enough to go to sleep, I don't want to be getting into conversations at that time of night unless he's got a problem he needs to tell me about.  I didn't raise my voice or snap at him, it was just a calm reminder, however he went into a childish strop and stomped out to his bedroom, slamming the door loudly.  Honestly, it's like living with a teenager, he's definitely regressing back to teenage years.

I'm starting on a healthy weight loss regime tomorrow (not today, we've just had the last of the homemade sausage rolls and last few chocolates for lunch!).  I must pick up my shoulder exercises again, I've got out of the habit of doing them recently and my shoulder pain isn't getting any better.  I need to be more active too, perhaps going for a walk a few times a week - by myself, husband and Betty amble along at a snail's pace....I'm certainly no power walker but I do manage to walk a bit faster than they do.

I've ordered a new mattress for my bed, it's coming next Monday, they're taking away the old mattress which I'm grateful for.  It's about time I had a new mattress, my present one must be 7 or 8 years old and has a pronounced dip where I lay.  We're going to Dunelm tomorrow, I'll get some new pillows for both of us and have a look at their homewares sale.

Thank you all once again for the kind and helpful comments, I do appreciate them.  May I please take this opportunity to remind people that anonymous comments won't be published - if you don't have a Blogger account or your computer settings won't allow you to sign in, just a first name (or nickname!) posted at the end of your comment will do just fine, I'm not asking for your full name or contact details, I'm not a stalker 😉😂.  It's just nice to know who's commenting.

Oh, and I've just applied for my bus pass, so I can get out and about more.  Been meaning to do it for weeks, just haven't got round to it until now.

Lacking in self confidence

 Thank you all so much for the kind and helpful suggestions.....well, mostly helpful, other than the one who baldly and forthrightly stated "You need to get a life" - well, yes, thanks for that! 😐

I know I'm isolated, very isolated.  This is partly my own fault, but not all.  Where we lived before in the very rural tiny hamlet, everyone knew everyone and I had a couple of good friends who I saw a lot of, for coffee and chats.  Here I have no-one I'm close to - whilst I do know most residents in our little cul de sac of just 11 homes, and the nearest residents in the private houses, most are considerably older than me and very disabled or even housebound.  There are 2 women who are around my age, but I'm not really close to either of them for various reasons.  Also, if I strike up a conversation with anyone nearby, husband almost immediately appears and butts in, taking over the conversation - he's not being controlling, per say, he just can't help himself, he's always been the life and soul of the party and a big talker.  We are polar opposites - husband always the centre of attention, loud and talkative, he could talk the hind legs off a donkey, whereas I've always been the one in the background, observing more than joining in. 

Also, as I've often said before and some of you referenced in your comments, I can't drive and whilst there is a bus service (albeit not entirely reliable) nearby, not everywhere is accessible by bus.  I've been googling for carers groups, there are a few in Minehead and surrounds, I've not yet investigated all of them in depth.  One of them I don't apparently fit the criteria for, a couple of others I couldn't get to unless husband took me.....which kind of defeats the object of me having time on my own without him.  He could, of course, simply drop me off there and pick me up again later, but he'd probably moan about that.  I still have a couple more to check out though.  

I've looked at the list of activities held in our local village hall - most of them don't interest me but there is one that does - Tai Chi classes.  I've never done Tai Chi before, but it does appeal to me because of the apparently gentle movements, with no requirement for being fit as a gym bunny.  I did try yoga for 3 or 4 sessions whilst living at the last place, it didn't really suit me though as most of the movements or poses were done on the floor - whilst I can just about get down on the floor, because of my back, hip and knee problems (and now my shoulder), I have great difficulty getting up again.  I've emailed to ask for further details.  Oh and a bonus, I know husband wouldn't be remotely interested in it so it would definitely be something I could do on my own, and it's only 5 minutes walk away.

The fact of being so isolated here, despite loving living here, husband being increasingly grumpy and confrontational, and losing my friends (including my best friend of many years, that friendship ended very acrimoniously) has eroded my self confidence big time.  So, whilst I know I do need to get out more and join a few things, it's an extremely daunting, if not frightening, prospect, I'm not the most courageous of people.  And I don't want to feel bullied into doing something I'm not comfortable with.

Things have to change, although I don't know how!

 I've been reflecting on this past year, as I'm sure many of us do at this time of year, and have come to the conclusion that I have no life of my own.  That might sound melodramatic, but it's true - my everyday life consists of carrying out husband's needs and wants, organising his appointments etc, and clearing up all his messes, things that have gone awry and the general chaos he creates, often unwittingly, on a daily basis.  And of course all the housework, planning and cooking meals - husband is oblivious to all that, he clearly thinks we have a house elf (a la Harry Potter) or a housework fairy.  This morning, for example, he announced there's a mouldy cucumber in the fridge - so why didn't he take it out, rather than leaving it for the (clearly not doing her job properly) house elf to deal with?  Because it simply doesn't occur to him to do it, that's why....it's my job!

Husband's daily life consists of watching TV, eating 3 square meals a day plus snacks, playing games or watching endless stupid little car reels on his computer, and falling asleep in between times - even whilst sitting in front of his computer.  To be fair, the falling asleep he can't help, it's the combination of his meds and the heart failure not pumping enough oxygenated blood around his body.  He's been told several times by both his GP and his cardiologist that he must keep active, both physically and mentally, to ensure he stays as healthy as possible.  I do try to push him to do things, little jobs etc, go for longer walks with the dog (he takes her out for 2 10-minute brief strolls around the block), but, to be honest (I hate that expression, it kind of implies one lies the rest of the time!), the moaning, grumpiness and downright sarky comments and scowls that ensue mean it's not worth it, I give in for a quiet life.  Not that I ever get a quiet life!!  

Husband is quite predictable, there are lots of things that I know are going to happen every day - he drops things or knocks things over, he stumbles into me and knocks me into the wall or door frame, he loses things constantly, he asks things that I've already answered several times, he constantly denies that he's done something - or I have.  In other words, he's always right and I'm always wrong.  I know I'm going to have to repeat things to him a couple of dozen times a day, every day.  He does often throw a curve ball though and comes out with some new crazy idea that will become his latest obsession for a few days, couple of weeks or sometimes longer.

One of you lovely readers said something the other day (I think it was Jane in London) about the importance of setting boundaries, as the person we care for doesn't always realise we both need boundaries.  Yes I agree - but what if the loved one either doesn't remember or simply disregards those boundaries?  As an example, some of you may remember that I always go to bed around an hour before husband does, as by the end of the day I'm in desperate need of some quiet time to myself, to process the day, read and just relax for a while so I can go to sleep.  I've told husband numerous times that he shouldn't come into my room after I've gone to bed, unless it's important or he needs something.  But he does keep coming in, mainly to tell me about things he's just seen on the TV!  I would say 60-70% of the time he's just forgotten the rule, the rest of the time he just totally disregards it.  I usually try to have an hour or 2 in my room in the afternoons, after I've done all my jobs - I use the time to do banking or admin stuff on the computer, do a meal plan and shopping list, look up a couple of recipes, send a couple of emails or answer messages.  Once again husband is asked, or reminded, not to keep disturbing me with pointless, inconsequential or unimportant stuff.....does he take notice of that?  Nope, not at all.  I don't see how I can get him to stick to boundaries, when he either can't remember or just tramples all over them.  It's like the rules don't apply to him, and that I'm at his beck and call 24/7.

Well, somehow or other things have got to change, or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or end up walking out altogether.  Happy new year?  Not if it's more of the same.

So that was that

 I spent several hours in my bedroom yesterday, keeping out of husband's way.  He's obviously having a bad time lately, he's been SO argumentative, he contradicts everything I say and seems to just want to pick a fight all the time.  He disagreed with the way I was cooking his gammon, so in the end I just told him to do it himself and I would have no further involvement with it.  He's done nothing but criticise my cooking lately, which irritates me as I've been cooking for about 50 years so like to think I do actually know what I'm doing!

There were just 3 programmes on TV yesterday that I wanted to watch - The Nutcracker by the Royal Ballet, Strictly Christmas special and Call the Midwife.  The first two husband moaned about, but I insisted I was watching them and pointed out he has full control over the TV pretty much all day every day - he does have a TV in his room so could always go watch something else in there!

Although sunny yesterday, it was bitterly cold with a very strong wind - if it hadn't been so cold I'd have gone out for a very long walk, but I just can't cope with the freezing cold and icy winds nowadays.

So I sat in my room and got a lot of reading done, with Betty in her bed beside my chair - she does like to be with me all the time.  The church bells were ringing, sunshine and blue sky through the window, it was rather nice actually.  I got a few messages from family and friends and replied, and looked at a few nurseries and plant suppliers websites, getting some ideas for next year's garden.

Husband is very irritable with Betty lately too and keeps shouting at her when she's a bit lively or being 'naughty' - he just cannot accept that she's merely reacting to him and his attitude.  She's always been a strong-minded, stubborn and lively dog, although not so much now she's older.....but I have no trouble with her at all when husband is out (or asleep), she's as good as gold with me.

Next year is for me

 I am so tired right now - not through lack of sleep, although that has been a factor this week, but more because it's been a very long and hard couple of weeks.  Husband has been downright bloody hard work lately, and it's worn me out.  Enough of that, I'm not going to sit here rehashing it and writing it all down.

Tomorrow I'll get all the frozen veggies and accompaniments, plus the gammon for husband, out of the freezer, ready for cooking (the gammon) and reheating (everything else) on Christmas Day.  I'll make the trifle tomorrow afternoon - I've just told husband what it is and he's already turned his nose up.  Well, no-one's forcing him to eat it (although I'm sure he will!), but I'm having something I like and want for a change.  Dinner tomorrow night will be an easy one, homemade sausage rolls out of the freezer, with baked beans and scrambled eggs.  Afterwards I'll sit in my room, put my Christmas CDs on and reminisce with my siblings on WhatsApp about our mother, with a glass of ginger wine to drink, it being the 6th anniversary of her passing.

I almost never make new year's resolutions - they hardly ever get stuck to so what's the point, is my view.  But I've decided that next year I am going to take more care of myself and look after my own health.  When you're a carer, inevitably your own wants and needs take a back seat, any health problems you may have get pushed to one side and largely ignored, the needs of the person you care for always take precedence.  But the bottom line is that we really do need to take care of ourselves as carers - if we're not fit and able, then who looks after the caree, who does everything needed, who runs the house and the day to day life stuff?

So I'm setting a few goals and plans for myself for next year, and will endeavour to stick to them.  Roll on January!

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes, much appreciated.  Merry Christmas to you all xx

Signing off

 Now it's Christmas week, I can feel my mood dropping.  The bottom line is I don't really like Christmas, for lots of reasons, and I can't and won't pretend I do, just for the sake of not being negative - sorry to those who think my blog is very negative but hard luck, this is life, my real life, and I'm not stating it any other way.  Husband has been a big pain in the backside for the past week or so, which makes things even harder, and I always feel very alone at this time of year.

But hey, it's the Winter Solstice today, shortest day, so things can only get better and brighter from now on!

For those who expressed an interest, this is the foot spa from Lidl I bought myself.  I'll do a review on it sometime when I get round to using it.

I may not post much for the next few days or so, if I don't then I'll take this opportunity to wish all my genuinely lovely readers the Christmas of their dreams.  Thank you all for your kindnesses.  xx

PS - to Sue of Hard up Hester blog - I hope the move goes smoothly and you and Beano have the best Christmas ever! xx

That's it

 We got to Lidl at 7.10 yesterday morning, there were only a handful of other customers - plenty of staff though filling shelves.  By the time we left around 20 mins later, lots of people were arriving, so I was glad we went so early.

I got all the cheap fresh veggies, they're now in my teatowel-lined veggie box out in the car port, where they'll stay fresh for at least a week.  I also wanted a pack of 4 salmon fishcakes Lidl were advertising on their website, sadly they didn't have any, the staff member said none had been delivered, they don't always get everything that's advertised.  Nor did they have any mince pies!!  How odd.  Never mind, I have a jar of mincemeat, and pastry in the freezer, so can always make my own.  I do have one box of Tesco luxury range all butter ones in the larder box under my bed.

One extra thing I got from their middle aisle was an electric foot spa bath, I've been wanting one for ages - it's my Christmas present to myself.  Husband wants to get a new desk chair, which he says will be his combined Christmas and birthday present to himself (his birthday is 8 January).

My blood results are already posted on my NHS account online, they're all fine (the GP's comment is 'satisfactory').  The only one that isn't is my cholesterol, which is a bit on the high side - it always is actually, it's not drastically or concerningly high though - the GP has written 'patient declines statins' 😂 - yes I do.  So there's actually no real need for me to go for my 3rd review appointment, I shall probably cancel it - why go just to be told results that I already know, and for them to once again try to browbeat me into agreeing to have a statin prescribed, as they do every time?  I might attend the 2nd appointment though, as that's for the foot check.