Disgusting chocolates

 A week or so ago husband said he fancied some Quality Street chocolates, now we've not had those for a few years, so we got a pack.  I do like chocolate now and again but am certainly not a chocoholic (just as well, being diabetic) - I much prefer savoury things.  And on the rare occasions I do fancy a bit of chocolate, I like dark choc, the darker the better, Lindt being my favourite.  So anyway....well, the Quality Street chocs now are a whole heap of difference from what they used to be, both in size and taste.  I used to like the Big Purple One the most, as they had a whole hazelnut in them.....the current version of it is literally half the size, there's no discernible caramel around the (small) nut, and the chocolate itself was horrible, artificial tasting and just foul, frankly.  The 2 others I tried - green triangle and orange chocolate crunch - were equally disgusting and tasted nothing like I remembered a few years back.  The chocolate shell itself is just awful, never mind the insides.  And the small size of each individual chocolate was an eye opener too.  I suspect we'll end up throwing the rest away, husband didn't like them much either.

Whilst we were in the supermarket buying the chocs and a few other things, I saw a large piece of salmon in the reduced cabinet, knocked down to half price, so I got it and froze it when I got home.  I've decided that's going to be my Christmas lunch - salmon en croute with a chopped broccoli (in place of spinach, which I'm not keen on) and cream cheese filling.  I'll use bought puff pastry - I got that too and froze it.  Husband said it sounds really nice so would have it with me....unless he changes his mind (quite likely) and goes for a big slab of meat instead.

We've got torrential rain and very strong winds (45 mph) forecast for this afternoon - the wind is already quite strong now, so it'll be a case of putting the heating on and staying indoors.  I hope you're all safe, warm and dry where you are.  The garden should be alright, although my rose obelisk is already being battered, it might end up on the ground.  Oh well, the climbing rose on it needs cutting back anyway, and the obelisk itself was only a cheap one, so it's no big deal if it does get blown over.  

We had a visit yesterday from my best friend, which was very nice, not seen them for months and months.  My sister was supposed to be coming down for a long weekend this month, her best friend was going to bring her, but sis hasn't managed to pin her mate down for a date, which unfortunately is typical of her friend - very lovely woman but notoriously scatterbrained and disorganised.  Let's hope it happens next month!

We've got our flu jabs booked for next week, along with husband's nerve conduction tests on his feet and my diabetic retinopathy screening.  Covid jabs booked for the week after.  I know we can have the flu & covid jabs at the same time, but didn't fancy it, just in case we get a reaction from them.  Haven't really had much of a reaction to either jab in the past, but I'm not willing to risk it.

What you see is what you get....except it isn't now

 Firstly, I want to say thank you for all the wonderful support I've had from you lovely readers - you know who you are.

What you see is what you get with me, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my blog has always been 'warts and all' - if I have trouble and strife going on, then I write about it.  It helps me enormously to get things off my chest, and I've never really been a fan of those cutesy, flowery, 'isn't life wonderful' types of blogs - real life just isn't like that!  Well, mine isn't anyway, and I doubt anyone else can say, with total honesty, that theirs is always wonderful....I just wouldn't believe them.  Would you?

No-one has the right to tell me what to do - especially if they don't know me.....which 95% of you don't.  Nor does anyone who doesn't know me have the right to 'offer' me unsolicited and unwanted so-called 'advice' - which is almost never genuine advice anyway, it's merely what someone else MIGHT do in the same circumstances.  And, with respect, none of us actually knows what we would do in any given circumstance, until and unless it actually happens to us.  We might think we know what we'd do in that circumstance, but actually that is what we HOPE we would do - when the circumstance is thrust upon us, then it might well be a different matter.  And quite often the 'advice' is merely a way of saying something quite nasty, under the guise of supposedly being helpful, or 'I hope you'll take this in the spirit in which it's given', for which read 'do this, not that, you stupid woman'.

Well, the trolls haven't won, they've actually lost - because from now on I'm not saying anything much.  My blog, when I write one that is, will simply be an account of what I've done - feelings, worries, problems will not be written about.  It'll just be one of those cutesy, flowery, life is wonderful blogs that I'm not keen on....but without the cutesy flowery stuff!  Anything personal won't be written about.  So there's nothing to interest any nasty spiteful people anymore, so just move on!

I'm not switching comments back on either, although I may do in the future.  At the first hint of any troll or unwanted comments, however, I'll turn comments off again.

I'm not putting up with crap anymore.

Switched off

 I continue to receive comments which are downright rude or offering unasked for and unwanted 'advice' - another 2 today.  Therefore, the commenting facility is now turned off, and I'm taking an extended break from blogging.

THIS!!

 Over the past few days, I've had a few downright nasty comments come in on my blog - none of which got published.  Let me be clear - to those people who made the comments - YOU DON'T GET TO BE SO DAMN RUDE, OFFENSIVE AND PERSONAL ABOUT ME - you don't even know me!  For everything I write on this - MY - blog, there's a damn sight more I don't write, so don't presume to think you know what you're talking about, what goes on here in MY house, or how I feel or cope with things.  

I know some of you say....don't take any notice of them, they're not worth your time, just bin the comments, they don't matter.  Well, no they don't matter - why should I care about nasty comments from random idiots off the internet?  Except that they could be very damaging.....when you're already suffering from depression, stress and anxiety, comments like that could send someone spiralling down even further - how would you feel if someone you'd made a nasty comment to, out of sheer spite, took an overdose, say,  because of it?  Would you congratulate yourself on a job well done?

I was tempted to say that I won't be writing my blog anymore, or that I'll only write about what I cook - or wear! or listen to on the radio each day!  But it's my blog and I'll write what I bloody well like.

But I reserve the right to turn off the commenting facility if I so choose.

When it all gets too much

 I admit I'm really struggling at the moment, there's so much stressful stuff going on, which is all on my shoulders, I'm the one who has to deal with it, husband is unable to....he breezes through life without a care in the world.  

Case in point - a few months back husband bought a second hand gas boiler from a fellow static owner on site - he paid £100 for it and didn't discuss it with me beforehand, the first I knew of it was when he appeared in the van doorway with his arms full of what looked to me like a jumble of metal parts and a big metal box.  When I asked what it was, he said he'd just bought a replacement boiler for our present old one in the caravan - which still works perfectly, I might add.  He said it was for when the boiler breaks down, with a big beaming 'look at me, aren't I clever?!' expression on his face.  "Who's going to fit it?" I asked him.  "Jack will" he replied (Jack being the contracted plumber for the site).  I told him that I would be extremely surprised if Jack agreed....husband asked why, I replied that I doubted very much that the plumber's firm would agree to fit parts that they hadn't themselves supplied.  The next time Jack was on site, husband asked him....and was told, as I suspected, that they wouldn't do it as they hadn't supplied it.  So now he's stuck with a heap of metal which is no use to us, and has now decided he's going to bring it home and sell it.  Only HE won't be able to sell it - he wouldn't know the first thing about how to advertise it online.  Which means I'll be stuck with it.  Yet another job he's thrust in my lap, and a totally unnecessary one at that.

I have enough trouble coping with our day to day lives - juggling our medical appointments (he has more than me), rearranging things when he's booked himself appointments without consulting the calendar or me and has double-booked (that's happened quite a few times).  Smoothing things over with neighbours or friends or the housing officer when he's ruffled their feathers by saying something inappropriate or just plain wrong, and doesn't even realise what he's said.  Having to repeat things dozens of times a day - you can't imagine just how wearing that gets.  Looking for things in kitchen cupboards or the car port or shed that he's moved for some unknown reason, or has put down somewhere and forgotten where.  I could go on.  I'm just so tired.

I've spoken to the GP, he said he could refer me to the Talking Therapies service, which I don't really want.  Nor do I want to go on antidepressants - been down that route a few years ago and don't want to again.  He did say I could double the dose of the anti-anxiety meds I already take, I've agreed to that.  I'm keeping busy most of the time, and writing lists of things to do etc - it helps no end to know just what I'm doing and lets me feel like I'm in control.  I'm also taking an hour or so a day to shut myself in my bedroom and read, or go for a walk on my own.  I want to buy lots of Spring bulbs and get them planted up in pots, that'll please me no end, knowing I'll have all those Spring flowers to look forward to. 

Thank you so much for your comments and support, I sometimes feel like you're the only ones who understand.  I will get through this, I know I will.  One day at a time.

Break

 My guts are absolutely churning up with stress and anxiety right now, due to lots of things.  I'll be taking a bit of time off.

So that's that, and blanket photos

 Back from our one night trip to the caravan, and it's so good to be home.  It wasn't an unqualified success at the van - except for the gas boiler being serviced and pronounced ok.  Being there this time did, however, confirm for both of us that we no longer want to carry on going to the van, so I guess that counts as a positive thing, we now know for sure.  Several reasons for this - there were even more dogs on site this time, several fellow owners don't just have one dog, they have 2 or even 3, and when one starts barking, it sets all the others off.  Barking dogs make Betty very anxious and unsettled, thus making her whine or even bark as well.  We don't want to keep telling her off or trying to pacify her.  The main road that runs past the site seems to attract motorbikes, which roar up and down the road, even at night - last night was particularly bad, it was like a racetrack.  It's just not a peaceful or relaxing retreat anymore.

And then this morning when we got up, it was absolutely freezing - a very old caravan with no central heating and single glazed windows gets very cold very quickly.  We do have an electric fire in the lounge and a few portable electric oil filled radiators so it did warm up fairly quickly with those on, but gets cold again as soon as they're switched off.  Neither husband nor I cope well with the cold nowadays.

Yesterday, husband apparently made a statement to one of our caravan neighbours that was patently untrue - I didn't hear him, I wasn't present, the neighbour came and spoke to me about it later and I had to smooth things over.  I mentioned to husband that he shouldn't have said it, whereupon he became aggressive - verbally that is, he's never been physically aggressive.  That's his reaction every time I question or pull him up on something - I know why he does it, he knows he's in the wrong and feels guilty, even though he can't or won't admit it, he's unable to accept being in the wrong.

But I am feeling like I'm almost permanently filled with anxiety, I just never know what husband is going to say or do next and it feels like I'm always having to make excuses for him or pour oil on troubled waters.  We've lost a few friends recently, as in them withdrawing from us, they haven't died.  Part of me thinks well if they can't (or don't want to) cope with our troubles, then they're only fairweather friends.  But the other part of me feels decidedly let down and abandoned.

The weather is apparently going to be good for the next week or so - great, it will give us chance to clear away all the spent veggies and flowers and put the garden to bed for the winter.  I'll have lots of empty pots to bring home from the caravan (we'll go there again one more time to drain the water systems and close it down for winter), so I might fill them with Spring bulbs.  I do love Spring flowering bulbs, Spring is my absolute favourite season.

For Donna - a couple of photos of a lap blanket and single bed size blanket I made, they're both in the caravan:-

As you can see, I like colour!  I don't do fancy patterns, I just like the easy, almost monotony of simple crocheting.