New ways and daily life

 Thank you lovely readers for all the comments, much appreciated as always.

I'm feeling so much better now, the relief from the hospital appointment no doubt, along with having a very productive day yesterday and now feeling back in control.

I redid our budget, I do it every 3 months to ensure that everything is up to date, so that's all ok now until the end of the year.  Finished off the freezer and larder inventories and menu planned for next week.  I've decided we're going shopping twice a month from now on, at the beginning and mid month.  Every fortnight we'll also go to the farmers market on a Saturday morning to get cheeses and some fresh veg and possibly meat for husband.  I've marked off on the calendar when we'll be doing the shopping (Sainsburys and Aldi) and the farmers market on the Saturdays in between the 2 shopping dates.  It's not set in stone, there'll probably be days when we have something else to do (or life happens!) and we need to bring it forward or postpone it by a day or two, but I'll try to stick to it as much as possible.  I like having structure and focus, it keeps me on an even keel.

Husband cut the front hedge and lawn and weeded a flower bed, so he did good as well.  I made a king prawn korma curry for dinner yesterday, at his request, it was really nice.  Today he's having lambs liver, which he's offered to cook himself (good, as since stopping eating meat I really don't like the look or smell of offal).  He wants mashed potato with it, so I'll make myself some kind of veggie cottage pie with just a little mash (still low carbing).  For Sunday he and the dog are having roast chicken, I'll have a plateful of lovely roast and green veggies with cauli cheese.

On Monday we're going to Clarks Village, an outlet shopping centre, we like it there, especially the M&S, Cotton Traders, Next and Clarks outlet shops, we've had some good bargains in the past.  I need a new showerproof jacket, I like the padded/quilted ones with a hood, husband's going to pay for it as my birthday present.  I could do with some new winter boots too, my last year's ones are now leaking (as I discovered the other day at the caravan in the rain).

Sue, you made me laugh when you said men need to be reminded, feels like (but probably less than) 20 times a day.  Believe me, with husband's cognitive impairment, I'm constantly reminding him of things about 100x a day (well, it certainly feels like it!!).  Every. Single. Day.  Example - yesterday we took Betty to the groomers and then nipped into town for a small top up shop....husband also needed a new battery for his watch.  I reminded him, 3 or 4 times during the morning, to put his watch on.  He didn't.  Two minutes before we were leaving home, I reminded him again to take his watch or put it on.  Arriving in the shop, he said "oh bugger, I forgot my watch!!". 😂😒  On the way back from town, he also forgot we had to collect Betty, despite me reminding him on the way home, and drove past where we needed to go.  This is daily life.

Relief and improvements

 The letter from the hospital said I would be seeing the consultant or one of his associates - I saw the consultant, a short, jolly Asian man, after first having another ECG - my 7th in the past fortnight - and BP check.  After lots of discussion, him checking all my notes, ECGs, x-rays and bloods, taking my pulse and listening to my chest, he said he was confident that there's nothing much wrong with my heart, other than the slow heart rate/pulse.  He said that wasn't of particular concern, it's not excessively slow, although advised me to regularly check my BP and heart rate (I have a home monitor) and contact my GP if it gets significantly slower, or I get very breathless again.  And he said definitely ring 999 if I have chest pain, don't wait to call the GP in the morning.  He was of the opinion that my symptoms were caused by severe anxiety and stress - he said that prolonged stress/anxiety can, in his words, "do nasty things to our bodies as well as our minds".  He recommended I take my anti-anxiety med regularly - twice a day - for the time being, rather than just when I feel I need it.  When I feel the anxiety/stress are under control (i.e. when the situations that are causing me the anxiety calm down....erm, not much chance of that) and I want to come off the anti-anxiety med, I must do it gradually.  I feel reassured and relieved.

I've had another chat with husband, he's decided he definitely doesn't want to take antidepressants.  Fair enough, he's a grown man, I can't force him.  He does, however, agree that he needs to help me more, and help himself by being more active and not just sitting dozing in front of the TV all day.  I've told him it's a choice between that or taking antidepressants, carrying on the way he has been is just not fair on himself or me.  He agreed.

I'm involving him more in meal choosing and prep.....normally I just do it all, deciding what we'll eat (we often have different meals as I don't eat meat and he does) and preparing it.  He's not a fussy eater and will basically eat whatever I give him, but recently I've been asking him what he wants when I'm doing the menu planning, and when he comes into the supermarket with me I get him to choose what meats he wants.  So far it's working out well, he's showing more interest, has offered to cook a few times and even come up with suggestions for meals.  He's also starting to get into the habit of watching a programme on TV and then switching it off, rather than keeping it on and aimlessly flicking through channels.  So some progress is being made.  He now knows we have to work together to help each other, I can't continue struggling on to cope with everything by myself.

Still worrying

 I've got the appointment at the rapid access chest clinic this afternoon, the letter says to get there 15 mins before the appointment time so I can have some tests first.  From memory of husband's visits there, that'll be (yet another) ECG, BP check and (yet more) bloods, I think.  Husband will be taking me, obviously - he asked if I wanted him to come in with me (I accompany him to all his medical appointments).  I've said no, he'll only be rabbiting away, distracting both me and the doctor, and I'll not have to worry about what inappropriate thing he'll say next....that happens a lot nowadays, he's got no filter.  I don't mind going in on my own, I prefer it actually.  Husband will drop me off and then go and have a mooch around a nearby store which has a cafe, I'll ring him when I'm ready to be picked up.  Car parking charges at the hospital are astronomical.

I am a bit worried about going, even though I'm fairly sure my recent health problems are down to stress and anxiety.  I suppose I'm a bit concerned that I won't be taken seriously, that I'll just be dismissed as yet another neurotic old woman (although I'm not that old!) with hypochondria.  But then I'm also worried that it may yet turn out to be something serious....even though it's unlikely.  I'm just a mass of worries at the moment, my head doesn't know whether it's coming or going.

I've got plenty to do to keep me occupied this morning - I want to do a full freezer and larder inventory, I want October to be a low spend month using up our food stores before shopping for more.  This month was supposed to be like that, only life got in the way and things went haywire.  I've got banking and some admin stuff to do as well.  Husband says he's going to cut the lawns front and back.  The Storm Agnes didn't really have much of an impact here - yes we had quite strong winds and a short burst of heavyish rain, but it all passed over quite quickly, with no damage.  Did it affect any of you much?

Betty kept me awake (well, her and my brain ticking over) a lot last night, she was snoring quite heavily and having a lot of woofy dreams - in fact I considered waking her up and making her go downstairs but couldn't face it.  I rather like her sleeping on my bed (she sleeps on a blanket on top of the duvet, not actually in it with me), generally down the bottom of the bed, with her head resting on my feet usually.  Keeps my feet warm, although I eventually have to move her off when I want to get some feeling back into them!

I said in a previous blog that you certainly find out who your friends are when you have a crisis - a couple of our friends and neighbours, and oddly enough ones who I would have thought would have been more helpful and concerned, weren't particularly.  And since then they've been conspicuous by their absence, it's like they're avoiding us.  I was worrying about that too, but now it's a case of 🤷.

Some progress

 Thank you for comments, I think my very low mood yesterday was exacerbated by a really bad night and hardly any sleep.  Slept better last night so I feel a lot better today.  I had a very helpful phone consultation with my GP yesterday afternoon, he came up with a couple of good suggestions to help husband with some of his most severe memory problems, which in turn should help me to cope better.  It came to light a few days ago that husband had completely missed taking one of his meds - for up to a month, he can't remember exactly, he thinks it happened because he finished up one box of the med (one of his prostate tabs, he takes 2 different ones) and simply forgot to open the new box the next day.  I always make a point every day of checking with him that he's taken his meds....mostly he has, but does forget on occasion, hence why I remind him.  However, it didn't occur to me to check on each individual tablet.  The GP reassured me that of all the meds husband takes, the particular one he'd omitted to take was probably the 'best' one to forget - or rather the least problematical if he didn't take it.  So that was a relief.  He did say it would probably be of great benefit for husband to use a dosset (tablet) box - he did have one that I got for him some time last year, but he quickly got fed up with filling it up and just gave up on it - and now he can't find it, he's put it somewhere but has no idea where.  So I shall buy him another one tomorrow, and we will both sit down once a week and fill it up together, hopefully avoiding any tablet mishaps in future.

The GP also said it would be beneficial if I could persuade husband (or get husband to go see the GP with me and GP and I would tackle him together) to either have antidepressants or some kind of CBT.  Well, he's previously said he doesn't want tablets as he takes enough of them as it is, and flatly refused to consider any kind of talking therapy.  However, the GP said an antidepressant could possibly help with husband's memory problems, so that's a good bargaining chip.  The GP also said that it would be best to encourage husband to do more, both physically and mentally, which should help his mood and in turn his memory.  I know that and constantly try to get him more involved and doing things, but so far it's been a (very steep) uphill struggle.  I won't give up though.  One thing I am going to do is to say he can't have the TV on and doze in front of it all day - he can watch one or 2 afternoon programmes he particularly likes, but he's not having it on all the time for just any old rubbish.  And he certainly doesn't need to watch the news (which is all doom and gloom anyway) 3 or 4 times a day!

I have had a preliminary chat with husband and let him know just how difficult I'm finding things, and how it would impact heavily on him if I couldn't go on.  He did seem to take in the seriousness of it, it certainly seemed to make him think.  He even came up with a couple of suggestions of his own.

I've had 2 letters, a phone call and 2 texts reminding me about my appointment tomorrow at the rapid access chest clinic, they certainly don't want me to forget.

Buckling

 We've had to come home a day early, there was another problem whilst away which, once again, I had to deal with and smooth things over, after which I just wanted to be home.  

We've taken down the gazebo in the van garden and covered over the garden furniture, emptied out pots of summer bedding and planted some more bulbs in pots.  Garden all swept and tidied, so that's one closing-down job out of the way.  We'll be going back in a week or two to stay for the final time before putting the van to bed for the winter.

I've come home to several letters needing my attention, a couple of medical appointments (for me, not husband, for a change), some emails to deal with and phone calls to make and a thick envelope stuffed with leaflets and reading matter from the Carers Champion at the surgery.  I can't read all that yet, my brain is too full already.  I have a telephone consultation with the GP later on this afternoon.

These last couple of days, I have tried to impress upon husband that I am buckling under the weight of responsibilities and not coping very well at all - he just doesn't seem to get it though.  I told him I look after him and the dog to the best of my ability, but who looks after me?  He merely looked blank, shrugged and said well he could do some cooking.  See - he doesn't get it, cooking is the very least of my worries.

We've had a few too many carb-heavy foods over the last few days - not exactly planned, but sometimes life gets in the way of healthy eating and it's necessary just to eat something quick and easy.  So consequently my guts and joints are rebelling.  

I need to write a few 'to do' lists and change a few things to make my life easier, or I'm going to break.  At the moment I feel like I'm standing on the very edge of a precipice, and totally alone.

And I've just found out that a very dear friend has a major health problem, which has had both she and me in tears.  

Out of kilter

 I'm all out of kilter right now, we've had so much going on the past 3 or 4 weeks and it's really thrown me off balance, I feel unwell and stressed up to the eyeballs.  Good job we're at the van so I don't have too much responsibility.  The crisis I mentioned, although mostly resolved, is still having repercussions and giving me anxiety.  One thing I will say....a crisis really shows you who your friends are!  A couple have been absolutely marvellous, truly helpful and kindness personified, others not so much.

Our lovely van neighbours C&J are off home today, this was their last visit for this year.  Always sad when we have to say goodbye to them for 6 months (they don't come back until April, whereas we start up again in March).  I'll miss them a lot, although we do keep in touch via phone.

All (mostly) good

 It's been a busy morning of phone calls and texts already, and it's only just gone 9 am.  The car hire people to say they're coming to collect the car this morning, the dealer we bought the new one from arranging to deliver it later on today.  And 2 calls from the GP surgery, one to give me the appointment for my referral to the chest pain clinic at the big hospital, next Thursday, the other for the 24-hour heart monitor - 27 November (GP did tell me there's a waiting list).  My blood results are in - no heart failure and no signs of under (or over) active thyroid, so that's all good.  There's still the slow heart rate, palpitations and chest tightness, but I'm really of the opinion that - certainly the palpitations and tightness - are down to stress and anxiety.  And I don't think the slower than normal heart rate is much to be concerned about, although of course I'm not a doctor.

I actually slept fairly well last night, got off to sleep quite quickly and think I only woke up twice, and didn't lie awake for hours, I went back off fairly easily.  Woke up for a wee at about 05.15 and knew there was no chance of getting back to sleep, so just got back in bed cuddling the dog and reading the paper on my phone.

Got a few things to do today, including a couple of jobs earmarked for husband.  I'm quite looking forward to the new car getting here, it's a really nice looking and comfortable car and, being a sort of SUV/MPV thing (I don't really know what the difference is, and am not interested enough in cars to find out!) it's taller than a normal car, so easier to get in and out of with my dodgy hips and back.  It's a lovely deep teal green colour - colour is quite important in a car isn't it?! 😂😉

Edited to add:-

The crisis I mentioned a week or so ago has been resolved, to our satisfaction.  So that's another worry to cross off the list.