There's not a day goes by without me thinking about my mum, and it's nearly always in the present tense - e.g. the other day when I saw a Jay in our front garden for the first time, I thought 'must remember to tell Mum that later'. Picked up a pretty bone china mug with blue tits on it in a shop last week and thought I'll get that for Mum, she'll love it. And then a second or 2 later I realise she's gone.
We like the TV programme Cold Feet, watched it years ago when it was first on and have enjoyed watching it again now they've updated and revived it. But last night's episode was about the character Jen's mum dying, and I had to leave the room in floods of tears, it was just too close to home, especially when her sister arrived at the hospital just too late to say goodbye, which is what happened to me and my sister (who's also called Jen).
I know it's very early days yet, it's just 6 weeks today since Mum died, it's still very new and fresh. I expect it will get less painful with time.
The pedicure was lovely (another thing that reminded me of Mum, she had a chiropodist come to the house regularly). The nurse appointment not so much....not because of Nurse Rose, she's very nice as it happens, it's just that I have to have yet more medication, more blood tests in a month, have to continue with BP checks at home (that in itself puts my BP up, having to check it all the time), and another appointment following the next tests to check on how I'm doing. And a long discussion about my high cholesterol, with gentle pressure applied (which I resisted) to go on statins. It's more stress that I could do without.
Sunny with bits of blue sky in amongst the clouds, but it's very windy. I'd like to go for a beach walk but really don't like walking in strong winds, I'm very much a fair weather walker. I don't mind if it's just cold, walking warms you up anyway, but I don't do wind or rain walking.
Even though we walk weekly in all weathers, must admit to not liking heavy rain, sleet or snow. Just makes you feel colder somehow. Time will eventually make things feel better but it takes a long time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeleteVery windy here too. The cholesterol lowering drinks worked for me. I use them like milk on muesli - not cheap though but better than statins
ReplyDeleteI totally understand. Dad and I were just too late as well and it still hurts.
ReplyDeleteDad and I spent the weekend basically talking about Mum - not deliberately, but she was there in everything we talked about. It felt warm and inclusive, rather that sad and bitter. I hope and pray that this will come to you soon too. It's very comforting, I find.
In the meanwhile - sending more love and hugs in your direction.
xx
As you say, it's early days. It will get better, and you'll be able to be reminded of your Mum with a smile (most times) rather than a tear. Sending hugs. xx
ReplyDeleteI had to look up what a Jay is. I thought some kind of flower. But it is our Vlaamse Gaai.
ReplyDeleteI am also using the cholesterol lowering products like the drinks and the butter. It is called ProActiv in our country. I am sure I have seen it in Tesco under a different name.
It is almost 17 years ago that my mother died. I don't think of her everyday now, but that does not mean to say that I don't miss her. I think the feeling stays with me all my entire life. After all she was my mother!
It's been 12 weeks and 4 days since my Mom died Nov 7th, just 14 months and 2 weeks from when my Dad died. I did not make it in time to either one (I lived 6 1/2 hours from my parents when Dad passed, and later my Mom moved with my sister 4 hours away) - both times hospice thought I had plenty of time to arrive for the final goodbyes and both times I missed their passing. Though I had seen both just a short time prior and we said 'goodbyes' I missed that final goodbye. I think of them every day, often, and so many little things bring memories to me. Right after my mom passed, there was a male cardinal and female cardinal walking around for almost an hour on my back patio - 1st thing I thought of was 'hi mom and dad!!! ' They knew how much I loved cardinals and I love the thought that if you see a cardinal it is a loved one ...
ReplyDeleteHugs, sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected.
ReplyDeleteWe all have something to deal with, glad you are able to do the dealing. If you don't want to take statins, it is your choice, be strong and stick to it.
I think you are strong.
I understand...doc had to almost beg me to do the Cholesterol meds...finally gave in as I started having strokes in my 20's...
ReplyDeleteit was almost five years after Mother died that I could breathe again; part of it was that many other things happened during that time also.
As I have said, she was 60. The first few months after, I returned to college to become a teacher. Often, I would leave class when something reminded me of her. When she was dying, she said to me, "Go do your dream and teach." I did...our mothers are such a huge part of our lives that it takes a long time to get through the grief...we don't get over it...but we get through it. You will too. You are a strong woman and caring.
Just read your blog and can sympathize with you. I still want to call my mum and tell her things that I have seen and heard, but she's not there, and although I'm not dead yet my daughter does the same calling me when she must tell me something. As Brenda has said we don't get over it.... but we get through it.
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