Good news

 Well, the GP wanted to see me because he wanted to examine my hip and leg, and to give me some surprising news about the xray.  I don't have arthritis, he said there's no sign of it at all on the xray.  He went on to say that having no arthritis in my hips at my age (always makes me feel ancient when they say that!) is quite amazing, especially since close family members have/had it...many people will have at least some signs of hip or knee arthritis by the age of 60, apparently.

What I do have is Greater Trochanteric Pain Syndrome, formerly called Trochanteric Bursitis....I knew that anyway, the previous doctor I saw last year said I had it, although she also said she thought I had osteo arthritis too.  It's good news as far as I'm concerned, as it means I don't need a hip replacement, and the condition is treatable.  The GP (a new doctor to our practice, a very nice Scottish man aged about 50) said the pain I'm currently experiencing has very likely been exacerbated by all the dog walking I've been doing, he said resting my leg would be preferable!  Not going to be happening though, until husband has his plaster off....I've done the twice daily dog walks for the past month or more, another 10 days or so won't kill me.

He's sending me for an ultrasound scan, followed by an injection - corticosteroid I think.  No idea when that might be though.  In the meantime, he said cold packs would help...oh and he also said I'm not taking enough codeine, just 1 per night is not enough to get on top of the pain, he said if I didn't want to take the 4 doses per day he'd originally prescribed, then I should at least consider taking 2.  I'll see....I don't really want to take any more if I can avoid it.

I did take 2 yesterday evening....after he'd been throwing my leg around and poking it about, I was in agony.  It's still very sore today, I think I'd rather take more CBD oil than codeine though.

On the whole, I'm pleased at the outcome - I don't have to have an op and the pain should be reduced, if not disappear, in due course.

We've started receiving Christmas cards....I have hardly even made a start on making mine yet, let alone thought about writing and sending them.  I did play around with some design bits the other day, I guess I'd better get a move on.  I don't feel in the mood at all really though, that's the problem.  No idea what we're doing at Christmas with the 3-household covid restrictions in place....staying home just the 2 of us, probably.  I'm still feeling ambivalent about Christmas anyway, seeing as this will be the first anniversary of Mum's death on Christmas eve.  

Fog lifting

 Two things happened yesterday which lifted my spirits.

Firstly, an unexpected dog walk with my best friend, who I don't see nearly enough of due to Covid and just general life stuff.  It was chilly and fairly short, but really nice.  We went to the Marshes nature reserve, which I haven't been able to get to since before husband's operation.  Betty enjoyed running up and down the long paths and rolling around in the long grass verges, and I enjoyed the brief catch up with my friend.

Then in the evening we had a family quiz, organised by my sister, on WhatsApp video, I'd forgotten all about it and had to be reminded.  It was so good for us siblings (my 2 brothers and my sister) and spouses to be able to get together, albeit on computer, for an hour and a half, we haven't all been together since just after mum's funeral.  The quiz part turned out to be hilarious, we were in stitches half the time.  Then we just sat and chatted for a while.  We've agreed to make it a regular thing, taking it in turns to be quizmaster.

This afternoon I'm going to the GP, for the results of my hip x-ray.  I am a bit concerned about it....I don't know why he wants to see me, in view of the covid restrictions meaning that most consultations are done by phone.  If it was just to say that the x-ray shows I definitely have arthritis, then he could tell me that on the phone, but he specifically asked to see me in surgery.  Still, I'll find out soon enough, I might be worrying about nothing.

Thank you so much for all the supportive comments, they really moved me.  The depression is beginning to lift, although the Tier 2 thing is getting me down - it's just lockdown by another name, we still can't visit people or have hugs.  I am cheered by the thought of the vaccine though, husband and I will certainly have it as soon as we can.

Taking a break

 Due to the worst depression I've had all year, just finding everything so very hard.

Take care of yourselves.

 X

Cold then warm

 It was freezing when I took the dog out at 07.15 this morning - same as yesterday, but at least it was dry.  My face was so frozen I could barely speak, and my fingers were numb.  And that's just a couple of degrees below freezing, goodness only knows how people in really cold countries cope....we're a nation of softies here.  I don't wear gloves because I've only got woollen ones and don't feel I have a secure enough grip on the dog lead whilst wearing them, I need to get some leather ones I think.  Will have a look on the internet in a bit.

So it was nice to spend a couple of hours in the warm kitchen doing some baking this morning.  I made cheese scones to have with home cooked ham and salad for lunch, a meat pie for dinner this evening, and a fruit sponge topped pudding for husband.

I've been making scones for years, both fruit and savoury...I prefer savoury scones myself.  Sometimes I do plain cheese, sometimes with sun dried tomato and tomato puree added.  I generally use half white/half wholemeal flour.  This morning I added smoked paprika and chopped spring onions.  A few weeks ago I saw a recipe for 3-ingredient cheese scones - just self raising flour, mature cheddar and yogurt, I was a bit sceptical but the recipe was from a well known writer and the pictures looked good, so I tried it.  Well, they're brilliant...light, fluffy, flaky and well risen, I use the same recipe all the time now.  Here's the link:  https://www.theenglishkitchen.co/2019/03/three-ingredient-cheese-scones.html?fbclid=IwAR0iCASLUY_7p8uVuaDgoHi-g1tWSL1KKVSdylvNehVuTvZ2wTNnLa2G7-U the writer is Marie of The English Kitchen, a Canadian lady who lived in the UK for many years, she's just returned home to Canada after a marriage break up.  I love her recipes.

For the meat pie I used bought puff pastry and a tub of cooked and frozen minced steak and veggies, it'll do 2 meals for us so we'll have it again tomorrow.

The fruit pudding is our home grown apples, pears and blueberries out of the freezer, topped with a sponge mix flavoured with cinnamon.  I'm not much of a pudding eater, but husband is.

Thank you for comments on my last post, I'm still working on my Plans list.

Life up till now

 In my late teens/early 20s I had a very busy social life, Sunday evening was just about the only time I stayed at home (well, I needed to do my washing!).  Mondays to Thursdays my work colleagues and I went to the pub straight from work, had a few drinks, played pool or darts, got a takeaway on the way home.  Fridays we always went to a local disco, Saturdays we had a proper night out at a bigger disco, either in London (Hammersmith Palais was a favourite) or at Heathrow in one of the airport hotels...several of them had good nightclubs, exciting because they always had glamorous handsome airline staff in them (although they might have been baggage handlers posing as pilots to get us girls interested 😂).  Sunday lunchtimes we went out for meals or just for a drink, usually nursing a hangover.  I also managed to fit in a lot of boyfriends 😉.  Surprisingly, I was quite slim back then, amazing considering the takeaways and drinks and bacon sarnies for breakfast every morning and burgers for lunch (our office was opposite a bakery and a MaccyD).

Then I met my future husband, we moved to the Midlands and got married, I was 23, he was 32.  I had a good secretarial job with friendly young colleagues and continued to go for nights out with them, without husband, although only once or twice a week.  Eventually that fizzled out though, I just stopped going....because I felt guilty.  Husband never, and I do mean never, went out with his workmates - not because he didn't get on with them, he did.  Husband is the world's most passionate and vociferous anti-smoker (ex-smoker!), most of his workmates smoked and they nearly always went to pubs.  He's never been much of a drinker, and back then everyone smoked in pubs, so he didn't much like going in them.  So he preferred to stay home...whilst he didn't object to me going out, I felt uncomfortable doing it and leaving him at home.

Because husband drove for a living (he was a lorry driver, hence why he didn't drink much, had to protect his licence), he didn't like driving on his days off...understandable I suppose.  So we didn't go out a lot.  For holidays, he preferred cottages in or near towns, or holiday camps (my idea of hell), as a perfect holiday to him was one where he parked up on arrival and didn't have to drive at all for the rest of the week, whereas I like walking, exploring, mooching around craft shops and visiting stately homes.  He also liked spending the day on a beach soaking up the sun - I'm fair skinned, burn very easily and the sun gives me a headache, so not my idea of a nice time!  We compromised by having a couple of days out...I'd go inside a stately home whilst he had a nap in the car, or he'd drop me off in a nearby town for some shop browsing whilst he went on the beach.  The rest of the time he'd be relaxing watching tv and I did A LOT of reading.

Since he retired, 3.5 years ago, he's been quite busy - his life is outside, doing projects in his veg plot and shed, helping friends and neighbours with their gardens and doing lots of DIY jobs for them...he's quite a handyman, fixing leaking gutters and pipes, mending sheds and fences, helping to fix cars, etc....he's always out doing something.  Well, obviously not at the moment whilst he's incapacitated, and not so much during lockdown.  Whilst he's out, I'm generally at home doing housework, cooking, weeding and pruning my flower garden, or doing my crafts.  A few times I've been invited out by neighbours to go for coffee in a garden centre, or a browse round the shops....I nearly always say no.  For no good reason really, other than being out of the habit of socialising, it's been so many years since I did it.

Well, to be blunt....it feels like my life has been on hold for years and years, lockdown and husband's incapacity following his operation have exacerbated how I feel.  Hence why I've decided that I'm going to start actually having a life....before I get too old!

I'll go into what plans I've started to make in the next post.

Feeling my way cautiously

 Thanks so much for your supportive comments on my last post.  I've been having a bit of an internal battle...whilst I am determined to change things in the new year, I do kind of feel a bit selfish.  I've run a few of my plans past husband and best friend...I get the impression they're a bit surprised.  Certainly husband seems a bit disgruntled about one or two things, although he's not tried to dissuade me.  I won't let it put me off though, I think it will benefit us both in the future if I'm happier about things.

Now that I know things are going to change in the new year, I'm feeling a bit happier and more positive.  I can't make any real changes before then....partly due to Covid restrictions, husband's incapacity, and just the time of year - some of my plans depend on decent weather.  But I can at least make plans.

Yesterday and today husband actually took Betty out, for short walks only (on my recommendation), he's much more stable on his feet now and in a lot less pain.  It's the first time he's left the house in 3 1/2 weeks, other than a hospital appointment, he managed pretty well, hopefully he'll be able to go a bit further in due course.  It'll make my life a bit easier as well, and benefit him....he's been spending too much time lying on the sofa, usually asleep, he needs to start getting his life going again.

I'm going for my hip x-ray tomorrow, I'll be interested to see exactly how bad my hip is.  If I do need a hip replacement, I can't see it being anytime soon, it's not a priority operation (unless I fall over and break it, not something I plan on doing!).  But it might open the way towards more treatment, possibly acupuncture or pain relief injections?  I'd consider anything, I'm really not happy about taking codeine every day.

Sorry I've not commented much on your blogs recently, no excuse other than not being on the internet much, had so much to do.  I will endeavour to catch up!

A new me

 Husband's foot is getting better, the swelling is going down in his toes and ankle and he's stopped taking painkillers.  I know it's not so painful because he's not complaining about it all the time.  So I'm hopeful that when he goes back to hospital for x-ray and another chat with the consultant in 3 weeks time, she'll say it's healed so well he can start driving again and walking normally.  Fingers crossed she does, I don't think I can take many more weeks of this enforced personal lockdown and life being put on hold.  It feels like we've been doing it forever.  He's asleep on the sofa as usual, with the tv playing away to itself...at least it's a David Attenborough nature show with nice relaxing music, and not some noisy boring car doer-upper show, which he watches endless repeats of.

Had a nice squelch, erm walk with betty this afternoon in the field...it hasn't rained for a couple of days so the field is slightly less boggy than usual, I even let her off the lead for a good run around.  It would take a month of no rain to dry the field out though, and that's not going to happen.  Hope my wellies last out!

For reasons that I'm not going into, my life since the age of 13 has consisted of taking care of family members, doing housework, shopping and cooking, being mum to my younger siblings, being a carer, helping husband with stuff he couldn't do himself, providing emotional and physical support to family, whilst holding down a full time job.  Doing what others wanted and needed...willingly, I might add.  Over the years I've kind of lost myself and felt that I'd become invisible and taken for granted, and lockdown has made things worse.

Having had so much time to think lately whilst I've been cooped up or walking the dog, I've decided that at the grand old age of 61, I'm going to start living my life, doing what I want for a change, rather than just what others want or expect of me.  I'll still take care of husband, home and dog, but will be doing things for myself as well.  I will also practise saying No!  Nothing much can or will change this side of Christmas, but come January it will be new year, new me.   I have lots of plans for the new me.