Birthday food and UPFs

 Seeing as husband wasn't forthcoming with what he wanted for birthday food, I made the decision for him, choosing a day's worth of food I know he really likes.  So we're having toasted cheese crumpets for breakfast, then fried egg and beans on toast for lunch - simple stuff but things he loves.  For dinner I'm doing him chicken pieces marinaded in barbecue sauce, with fried rice cooked with lots of added veggies - I won't have the chicken but will have bbq sauce and grated cheese on my rice.  I bought apple turnovers with fresh cream for afters, and a pack of Guinness zero alcohol as a treat.  I'm sure he'll be pleased with it all.

We watched the first of a new series of What Not to Eat a couple of nights ago, it's presented by Professor Tim Spector and a GP, it's all about ultra processed foods and what they do to our bodies.  It was quite horrifying actually, and a bit of a wake up call as quite a few UPFs have been finding their way back into my kitchen recently - mostly for convenience because of me falling out of love with cooking as I get older.  There was a family featured on the programme, a couple and their 4 young children, both parents were overweight, the wife more so than the husband.  They lived almost entirely on UPFs - white sliced toast or sugary cereals for breakfast, the wife had chocolate brownies for lunches, the husband had pot noodles, white bread cheese sandwiches, crisps and chocolate for lunch - every day.  The whole family had takeaways or fast food 5 times a week, they said they tried to cook proper meals twice a week but admitted that didn't always happen.  And the husband and wife each had two large bars of chocolate as a snack - 2 bars each - every single night.  Each of the children had a basket full of sweets, chocolate biscuits and crisps they could snack on when they got home from school each day.  I was absolutely gobsmacked at the sheer amount of total crap 'food' the whole family ate all the time - and it was completely normal for them.  Of course the two doctors got them onto healthy eating, cooking real food and getting the children to eat fruit instead of crap, and monitored them for 6 weeks, resulting in both parents losing nearly a stone in weight and lowering all their bad things like gut inflammation.  It was quite an eye opener and has spurred me on to stop buying UPF foods - we'll eat up what we've got but will try not to buy any more - well, within reason.  Even the Professor said that some processed foods are relatively ok - like tinned beans, e.g.  I do tend to rely on bought sauces - jars and packets, mayo and bbq sauce - which is daft really, as it's so easy (and cheaper) to make them and no nasties go in them.  So that's going to change.

Nope, it's not gonna be one of those days!

 First argument of the day was just a few minutes after I'd got up - husband was already up, for a change.  I happened to innocently mention something that he'd done yesterday - nothing bad, it was actually good, he'd made our last hot drink of the day.  Well, he immediately flatly denied it, insisting he didn't and it was me who'd made it, and continued to insist even though I didn't argue.  I just said "Ok I did" and walked away thinking for Pete's sake (who was Pete?), can't I even have my first coffee before the arguments start?!  And over something so trivial, and what does it matter anyway?!  😒Honestly, that man could start an argument in an empty room.

Thankfully, he's now gone to the gym so I have peace for an hour.  I've got things to do today, including organising a couple of small jobs for husband to do, so I'm determined not to have one of  'those' days.  Betty wouldn't eat her breakfast, just stood staring at it then looking up at her treats shelf - there's nothing wrong with her, she just wanted treats instead of her nutritious breakfast.  So I stood firm and told her to get on with her breakfast and she wasn't getting any treats.....she did eat it.  I then told both her and husband that I wasn't putting up with any nonsense from either of them today, I think they both got the message 😂😂

It's husband's 75th birthday tomorrow, I asked him last week what he wants as a gift, he said he doesn't want anything.....in the past couple of days he's bought himself 2 or 3 things off ebay, so he says that's his presents to himself.  Ok by me.  I also asked him about birthday food - he insisted he doesn't want to go out for a meal, nor does he want anything special cooked - he normally asks for steak or a huge pork chop.  We have to go to the supermarket for a very small top up shop of fresh food later, so I'll see if he changes his mind then.  I think he's just being obstinate, just because that's his default setting nowadays.

Bright sunshine again this morning, temp is supposed to be 6 or 7 deg, but I went in the garden with Betty and it was blimmin freezing cold, it's that bitter wind again.  Readers from overseas must think what is she on about, we have 6ft snow drifts and -20 temperatures, now that's cold!!  I'm just a wimp nowadays, a southern softy who hates feeling cold.  I'm so glad we don't have snow or really cold temperatures and that we live in a lovely warm home, my sympathies for those of you who have snow and ice at the moment.  Keep safe!

Lovely sleep

 I got a text early yesterday to say the mattress would be coming between 10 and 12, much better than having to wait all day.  It actually arrived at 09.50, even better.  One slight problem....it's much deeper than my previous mattress and my fitted sheets weren't big enough, so we had to nip into town to buy a deeper one.  Not much choice of colours (only white or grey actually), but it was cheap enough and it's only a temporary measure, I've ordered a couple more in my preferred purple colour off the internet (how did we all manage before the internet?!).

Well, both Betty and I slept well last night, the mattress is lovely, medium firm was the description and it feels both - nice soft and comfy top layer with firm supportive springs underneath, then another soft layer at the bottom.  The mattress is flippable, my last one wasn't.  I didn't wake up until 7.10, which is late for me, I almost didn't want to get out of bed it was so comfy and warm.

And another good thing - my bus pass arrived yesterday, which was amazingly quick.  Whilst the photo on it looks awful (I hate having my photo taken, which is reflected in my facial expression) and having a concessionary free bus pass is another reminder that I'm getting old - it does now mean that I can have free bus travel whenever and wherever I want (within reason).  I won't be taking advantage of it just yet though - it's far too cold for me to be standing around at bus stops waiting for a notoriously unreliable bus that might well be late, too full to allow any more passengers on, or not turn up at all.  Anyway, the prospect of sitting in close proximity in an enclosed space with people who might be coughing and sneezing, filling the bus up with germs, doesn't much appeal right now.  😱  I'll wait till it gets a bit warmer and the colds/flu viruses start easing up, thanks.  Apparently, the bus pass also entitles me to half fare on a couple of the dial-a-ride door-to-door minibus services that operate locally, which is good news - it means we'll be able to get to GP or other appointments which aren't served by normal bus services.

Very cold again today (no snow here though), I'll be putting bed linen on the line but I'm sure it won't fully dry out there.

Oh, husband must have argued himself out on Sunday, he was ok yesterday, just a normal level of contrariness which is easier to deal with.

Sigh. And planning for tomorrow and future meals

 Thank you once again for comments, it's a relief to know that some of you do understand.

Husband has been in one of his super-argumentative moods today, several times I've had to say "Ok dear, whatever you say" and just walk away into the bathroom or my bedroom with the door firmly shut, as it's the only way to stop his constant arguing, he could and would argue until the cows come home.  Or until I give in and agree he's right.  Even when he isn't.  It's exhausting.  Hopefully he'll have calmed down tomorrow.

My new mattress is arriving tomorrow, it's one of those 07.00am to 6.00 pm deliveries.....not very helpful but that's life, we're not going out anywhere so it doesn't really matter.  I'll have to be up early though - well, I'm always up early anyhow - in order to strip my bed off, the delivery firm are bringing a big bag to put the old mattress in and take it away, thankfully.  It would be preferable if they come in the morning - I don't really want to be getting the bed made up in the evening, I've got no energy left by then.  I've got all my new bedding and pillows out ready to go on the bed.

I chopped a load of veg up this morning to go in the slow cooker, making husband a lamb stew, he'll be having it today and tomorrow, with leftovers being frozen (if there are any, he serves himself up bigger portions than I do, so I'll have to make sure I do it!).  I also did a trayful of potatoes and parsnips and roasted them in the Ninja, I'll have some with my nut roast today, the rest to freeze.

This afternoon I've just sat reading, I'm feeling a bit run down and tired and my shoulder and lower back are really painful again.  No snow here and none forecast either, but it is very cold - 3 deg but feeling colder, and -1 overnight.  It's been quite sunny though, and should be still for the next 3 or 4 days, but it's deceptive - makes you think it might be warmer outside when it's not.  I've been putting washing out the last few days but by the end of the day it's still not dry so has to be finished off on the airer or in the airing cupboard.....at least it has that nice fresh outdoorsy smell though from being on the line for a few hours.

Following my freezer and larder inventory the other day, I sat and wrote out 24 days worth of dinners using what we have, I could probably stretch to another few days extra with the addition of some bought in veg.  I still seem to have loads of cheese in the fridge, it barely seems to be going down at all!  I'll have to make some veggie & cheese pasties or quiches, there's pastry in the freezer and I've got plenty of eggs.

Following on from the previous post

 I think I need to make a few things clear, as I seem to be getting a lot of unsolicited advice from people who have no real knowledge or understanding of how things are.  I know you all mean well, and thank you for that, but - as has been said many times before - unless you are in my shoes, living my life and married to my husband, the likelihood is you have very little idea of how things work.

So....

1.  Husband does not have a social worker.

2.  There is no medical treatment for Cognitive Impairment (CI), unlike some forms of dementia which can be helped or slowed down at least by some medications.  There are no specific groups, courses or specialist nursing staff for CI, unlike for dementia.  After husband had his tests, he was given a written diagnosis and then it was 'Goodbye then, mind how you go' and he was promptly discharged there and then from the service.  The consultant psychologist did apologise, but said there was nothing further she could do.

3.  We did once attend a group session called the Forget-me-not club, mainly for dementia sufferers.  Husband hated it and refused to go again, I can't say as I blame him as we could both see it wasn't geared towards him and his CI at all.

4.  Yes I would like a break, but how exactly does anyone think that is going to happen?  We have no family or close friends nearby, I don't have transport, I'm not the sort of person who would be happy having a hotel or cottage break on my own or with a load of strangers.

5.  Husband is not disabled enough, physically or mentally, to go into a nursing home, he doesn't fit the criteria for a respite break either.

6.  Whatever things some people suggest, the chances are I've already tried it.  

7.  Yes I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes, and I often vent on here - but that's all it is, just venting, letting off steam!  If I can't do that on my own blog, when/where can I?  Once I've got things off my chest, I'm generally ok again.

The bottom line is, he's still my husband, regardless of his changed personality, we've been together nearly 45 years and I'm not going anywhere, I promised his daughter that I would look after him to the best of my ability and until one of us dies and I will keep that promise.  I most certainly do feel like running away sometimes, but even if I did get to that point, I'm sure it would only be for a matter of hours!  Where would I go anyway? (see Point 4 above).

Oh, and I am definitely not a martyr - I'm just a woman/wife coping with things and doing my best in the only way I know how!

Understanding husband's Cognitive Impairment (CI)

 Thank you for all the comments once again.  I think it might be helpful to give a reminder about what CI is - and the fact that husband suffers from it.  The following list of symptoms is taken from an NHS website:-

What is a Cognitive Impairment?

Cognitive Impairment is the medical term for problems with any aspect of thinking ability. 

Symptoms of a Cognitive Impairment can include:

Memory problems

Understanding

Reasoning

Organizing

Problem solving

Decision making 

Attention

Difficulty interpreting the world around (visual-spatial skills)

Speech and language

Husband has all of the above.  He was clinically diagnosed with CI around 4 or 5 years ago, following a brain scan and a series of cognitive tests conducted by a consultant psychologist, which I attended with husband having been asked to by the psychologist.  He also has a number of behavioural changes too - apathy, indifference, lack of empathy, inappropriate talk and behaviour, delusional ideas and obsessional behaviour.  The psychologist explained to me that CI can be, although not always, a precursor to various forms of dementia - whilst not everyone with CI automatically goes on to develop dementia, many do - people with CI are statistically much more likely to develop some form of dementia - there are many types although everyone generally thinks of Alzheimers first.

Husband has historically always been known for being very laid back, easygoing, very humorous (life and soul of the party), very kind and helpful, very industrious - he'd always worked hard, both at work and at home.  That man who I was married to for decades has pretty much vanished, being replaced with a virtual stranger who I no longer recognise, except for very brief flashes.  He's now obstinate, argumentative, confrontational, lazy, tells lies, with a short term memory that is completely shot to pieces.  Oh and did I mention obstinate? - that's one of his most annoying traits.

So 'normal' requests for husband to do something don't really work.  Nor does writing a list of jobs, as some of you have suggested - I've tried that and it just doesn't work.  In any case, he's also severely dyslexic so reading/writing aren't easy for him.

The past couple of days he has actually done a few little jobs I've requested, with a few reminders and some firmness on my part.  Persistence and standing firm is the key, but in a calm manner.  Adjusting my own behaviour is also necessary - I basically need to stop doing everything myself simply because it's quicker and easier and avoids the grumbles, complaints and arguments I get from him.  But then I'm left feeling resentful and frustrated, which ends up spiralling.

Life is not easy nowadays, hasn't been for a couple of years as husband's CI has progressed.  However, I'm determined to try and improve things, for both of us, this year....or the reality is I'll end up having a breakdown or walking out.

Start as I mean to go on

 So, besides being proactive this year, I've been thinking about what I want to achieve.  The little legacy I received a couple of months ago was a huge boon, it's enabled me to achieve all of my Needs and Wants list for last year.  I've spent quite a lot these last couple of weeks on the new mattress, bedding, assorted small kitchen and bathroom things, and now I don't want - or need - to spend any more.  Husband has a couple of biggish purchases in mind - that's fine, they're quite sensible things so nothing I need to try and talk him out of, and he's got the money in his own account for what he wants.  I'd like to concentrate on building up a fair amount of savings, to give me some peace of mind that I'll have sufficient savings to cover any appliance breakdowns, or major vet bills - Betty is insured but only for a relatively modest amount, things like x-rays or operations cost £100s, £1000s even and would soon exceed the insured amount.  Her insurance premium has risen by a vast amount due to her age and breeds, shar peis and bulldogs (she's a cross of both) cost more to insure because of genetic health problems, ironically none of which Betty suffers from.  The legacy has given me a headstart on this, I've a good amount of savings already but will keep on building this up.

I've done a freezer and larder inventory this morning, including the 2 larder boxes under my bed.  I've got the makings of probably 4 weeks of meals, if not more, which I'm pleased about, my shopping spend for January should be very low, needing only milk, bread for husband (I've got 2 sourdough loaves for myself in the freezer, which will last me at least a month), fresh fruit and, towards the end of the month, fresh veg.  So the money I don't spend on shopping can go into savings.

I've also decided to change the way that things get done around here.   Normally, what happens is that in the mornings I get on with the jobs I need to do, and then do a few things that husband should be doing but often doesn't.  The reason being that I get fed up of asking and being ignored and getting resentful at him just lounging around doing nothing.....so I just get on and do it myself, because these things need doing, someone's got to do them and so I do for the sake of a quiet life and because I want them done.  There's no point in me hoping that he'll realise that a) or b) needs doing and get on with it, his mind just doesn't work like that, he's pretty much oblivious.  And I guess, as one or two of you have mentioned, I'm enabling him to sit and do bugger all and expect me to do everything - because I do it!  So from now on he's going to do a few more jobs - all of which he is perfectly capable of, it's just a case of me asking him once, then possibly reminding him once, and then if necessary get the big guns out and insist he does it now!  I have also had a chat with him this morning and said he's got to do more as it's not fair to expect me to do everything.  He agreed quite amiably, but will of course need reminding from time to time.  So that's the start of me being proactive!