I was disappointed to receive an email at 4.55 pm yesterday afternoon, stating that unfortunately I wouldn't be receiving the planned 9 am counselling call today. The counsellor apologised and said that as she'd been off work, she'd only just seen the booking, which I'd made online via the website. She said that the carers charity work with local councils who support their work (the counselling calls) and sadly Somerset council is not one of the support councils on their list. Huh. However, she was very helpful in the long and detailed email, I suspect the length and content of it were actually outside her remit but she clearly wanted to help. She gave me some links to a few Somerset carer groups, and also suggested some coping strategies for my personal situation, with links to guides and stories written by carers themselves, some of which I read yesterday evening.
One of these really resonated with me....actually, it was like a bolt from the blue when I read it. The article suggested that some of us who care for partners may actually be grieving - both for the partner and for the life we used to have/should still be having if the partner didn't have the health problems. I appreciate that this may be upsetting to some of you who have lost their partners - and I know some of my readers have - after all, my husband is still here! I'm sorry if this upsets you, I have no wish to cause any of my readers pain. But it hit me that this is just how I feel, even though it took reading the article to realise it - although we've been married 42 years, the person I live with now bears little resemblance to the man I married all those years ago. That man disappeared a few years ago and has been replaced with someone who often appears to be a total stranger, and not a very likeable one at that. And I've been suffering a huge amount of guilt about those feelings....the article said those feelings are actually surprisingly common, and nothing to be ashamed of.
I've got to think about that for a while, it's a lot to take in.
June said in her comment "you have to live it to know what it's like". Exactly. People just don't understand at all - they may say they do, but unless they are in the same situation they actually have very little idea. Thank you June. I have one friend who I have tried to explain things to on numerous occasions, to absolutely no avail. They just cannot/will not understand or see my point of view. I'm just wasting my breath with them, so I've given up and cut contact.
Sooze I’m so sorry to hear your call was cancelled. However the lady who e mailed you certainly sounds a person who is very caring and wants to do her job above and beyond. I absolutely agree, we are now married to a total different person and it’s so sad. The word grief certainly resonated with me so thank you. I thought your blog was very thoughtful re: people whose husbands/partners have died, you are a kind soul. Wishing you some peace and calm in your life. June x
ReplyDeleteOh, what a shame the counselling call was cancelled, but it sounds like the lady has given you some useful links.
ReplyDeleteYes, grief doesn't necessarily begin when someone dies. When things change, usually not for the better, there is uncertainty, anger, fear and, yes, grief. For the life that you had, the person you sometimes no longer recognise and the hopes and dreams you had, that have been whisked away.
Sending love and hugs, dear friend. xx
What a pity that the call had to be cancelled, hopefully you find another organisation that can help. Maybe Age Concern/Age UK would have some contacts?
ReplyDeleteOh yes, yes, to the grieving process, it's a long and sad goodbye, which gets harder and harder. I must admit that I'm shoving it out of my mind to stop myself from tearing up. xx
What a disappointment for you, but I'm glad you were able to take something of value from the material you were sent. Loss and bereavement come in a myriad of different forms, each one intensely personal and all completely valid in their own right. It's only natural to miss (and, yes, mourn) the man your husband used to be and the marriage you had. It's not for nothing that dementia is often called "the long goodbye", as I can attest from my own experience. I know your husband's diagnosis is a different one, but there are some similarities from what you've described. I think that understanding why we feel as we do, and accepting that it's very common and completely human, can often help a bit when things are hard. Sending hugs 🤗
ReplyDeleteExactly this, Sooze. You know that I have been down the road you are on. Don't know that it is of benefit to you for me to tell you that, except that I hear you loud and clear. I cried so much during those last years that when he physically left I had few tears left. I felt so totally alone for so long. I so missed being able to discuss things with him! You describe perfectly what it was like. Change the 42 years to 58, and this could have been me talking!
ReplyDeleteMy experience was different from most, though. My "Old Man" never ceased to be loving and kind. For that I am thankful. He just lost any ability to reason. Did stupid things. And sometimes I was NOT kind to him. Alas.
Hugs to you from those of us who DO understand. Hope you do get some help. And hopefully you feel just a tiny bit better knowing you are being heard with love.
I am pleased that you have found something that resonates. Both my parents have been through the same thing with their partners with dementia. It is okay to grieve for the one you have lost whilst caring. You have to remember that caring for someone is exhausting and has long term effects on your health physically and emotionally and that mustn’t be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and reach out at any time (I have emailed you before can now comment here 😀)
So sorry that the call did not take place, but how lovely that the other carer gave you so much information and so many links to help. I will say this, of course you will grieve as you have lost the person you married. They might still be here physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually are not.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
I have an incling of what your going through and understand how you feel. My husband of 50 years is a farmer who works all day but in a world of three Internet I have to do all the paperwork including insurance, car taxing, records etc. I am being to get weary of having to sort his phone out ,do his text, his medical everything and explain everything repeatedly. It's tiring I just wish someone would take care of me! But like you it ain't gonna happen so we plod on. Thinking of you everyday. Su
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