Anonymous comments

I'm starting to get a lot of anonymous comments now, some of which are clearly spam, some which just say things like 'I love your blog!!!!!', which I'm not inclined to believe are genuine - too many exclamation marks for a start.
If people don't have a Blogger account but still wish to comment, then please add your name at the end of your comment, it only has to be a first name or whatever you wish to be known as, just so I know you are a genuine reader.  It's only polite, after all.  Otherwise, I'm afraid I won't be publishing them.

Reflections, and Valentine's Day

Thank you very much for all the supportive comments.  The loss of my friend is weighing heavily on my mind, but if they're not willing or able to support me emotionally and have some understanding or tolerance of why I react badly sometimes, then that's not being much of a friend.  It seems they only want to be friends when all is well with me and I'm happy and upbeat, otherwise they don't want to know.  I miss them so much though, we used to be so close, we went on holidays together, stayed at their house for weekends sometimes, went out for meals, told each other everything.  I'm so sad it's ended.  I'm not even going to try to contact them to see if we can work things out, I know there's no point as they're so rigid and blinkered in their outlook.  It might sound as if I'm painting them in a bad light, but that's only a tiny part of them, on the whole in the past they've been wonderful, best friend I ever had.  But if they choose to bugger off and cut ties with me, well there's not a lot I can do.

Spoke to Mum over the weekend, she's ok physically, no current sickness or diarrhoea (although that can change on a daily basis), no more falls, only normal arthritis pain and soreness from her bruised knees and hands where she fell.  But she is feeling very depressed, it's partly the weather, partly still having to wait for further test results and diagnoses, partly being so very restricted in what she can do.  Her sight is still deteriorating, with little the doctors can do, she's almost totally blind in one eye and has limited vision in the other.  As she loved reading and bird watching in particular, it's a big blow that she can no longer do either.  She does have her radio and audio books, but she says it's just not the same.  She is on antidepressants.  She used to love sitting by her window and watching the birds in her garden - she has lots of bird feeders and gets lots of birds - she just can't see them now.  Her hearing isn't good either, even with her (expensive) hearing aids in, so it's not even as if she gets much pleasure from listening to the bird song, as she can't hear that properly either.  She just feels like her life as she knew it is being slowly eroded daily.  I really feel for her.

We hardly ever go out for meals, can't often afford it and, having had very mediocre food the last 2 or 3 times we did, I often feel I could cook far better meals myself at home.  The last time we went out for dinner was in October last year and we didn't pay for it, we were treated by husband's daughter and son in law, very kindly.  We did go to my ex-best friend's house for dinner on New Year's Eve, that being the last time we saw them, lovely meal and beautifully cooked, but I'm talking about meals out that you pay for in a restaurant or pub.  Well, we're actually going out for dinner on Valentine's Day - we've been married 35 years and this is only about the 4th or 5th time we'll have done that, previously we haven't wanted to pay the vastly inflated prices charged for a Valentine's meal.  However, a local pub is doing a very reasonably priced 4-course meal (one of the courses is a gin & tonic sorbet - oh yum!), we paid half a couple of weeks ago as a deposit, so not loads to pay on the night, which makes it much more affordable.  We're going with our friendly neighbours and are looking forward to it very much.  The food choices do sound delicious, I hope it lives up to expectations, else I think that'll probably be the last time we pay to eat out! 

Friendship

Hello all, thanks for the comments on my previous post.  TA, Mum won't hear of her rugs being removed, she loves them.  Having now fallen twice in the past week (once in her bedroom tripping over the edge of a rug, once in the kitchen simply by losing her balance), she does now realise she has to use a zimmer or one of her many sticks ALL the time.  She's so stubborn, that's half the trouble (must be where sister and I get it from!).  Mum's now had a CT scan and has to wait for an appointment to see the consultant to get the results.  

Chris, I remember reading about your fracture and the numerous and ongoing problems you've had since, and I can empathise with your disappointment at friends not getting in touch.  Goldensunflower, you're right, the friend I alluded to in my last post can't cope with my depression, they run a mile.  Fair enough, not everyone can or knows how to cope with depression.  Not that it's rocket science or involves anything complicated - a listening ear and a hug works wonders and is all I ever want.  

But it's not just that.  When I'm very depressed or stressed, I have a tendency (not a pleasant one) to lash out at people - verbally, not physically! - who have the misfortune to be close to me at the time.  I do it to everyone, not just that particular friend (husband obviously gets the brunt of it, as he's usually closest.  He's a treasure and I love him dearly).  But the friend takes it personally and seems to think I single them out for it, which is simply not the case.  Everyone else close to me is understanding and tolerant of my outbursts, but not that friend - they take umbrage and lash right back at me, which reduces me to tears every time.   Well, they've taken themselves off now, indicating our friendship is over.  Some friend.  In some ways I don't blame them, but I sincerely hope I'd be a lot more tolerant, understanding and forgiving if they ever suffered from clinical depression.  Which I sincerely hope they don't, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I guess what hurts the most is that i've known that friend for about 12 years and we were so close in the past.

Having had a break from blogging here, although posting regularly on my new food blog, I shall be writing the occasional post here.  Thanks for bearing with me.

Thank you

Thank you everyone for the lovely comments, mum is ok (well, as ok as she can be) and hasn't suffered any lasting ill effects from the colonoscopy or the fall.  She has some bruising and stiffness, of course, but that's all.  She tripped on the edge of a rug, apparently, she's so unsteady on her feet that she could step on a pin and fall over.  We've told her she should make sure she uses her Zimmer frame (she has 2, one up and one downstairs) or stick, of which she has one in every room, when moving around.

She didn't have the CT scan on Saturday after all, she's got that to come in a week or two.  

Things are fairly stable at the moment, thankfully (perhaps I shouldn't say that!).  Anyway, thanks so much, I'll post again if and when there's anything to say.  I just don't feel I want to post much on here, it was getting to the stage where I felt life and this blog was dominated by mum's and our problems, I wanted my focus to be elsewhere, on other more positive things.  And I also feel quite strongly that if real life friends are really interested, then they should get in touch and show genuine personal interest, and not simply read my blog and call that interest.  It's not, it's a cop out.

Update on mum

I've had several messages and emails from readers asking about my mother....thank you so much, it's heartwarming to know you all care (which is more than can be said for some people, but that's another story).

So I thought I'd give an update here.  Mum finally had her colonoscopy and CT scan yesterday (on a Saturday, her local hospital is so inundated and behind they have to do weekend and evening appointments to try and catch up), she was in there for over 2 hours, sister who had to wait outside was getting worried.  They got the results straight away, no cancer but she does have diverticular disease and some other relatively minor problems.  The doctor said the diverticular disease would be the cause of mum's stomach pain and diarrhoea, and possibly some occasional sickness, but it can be managed with medication and diet.  She also said that the prolonged and severe sickness and diarrhoea mum had for several weeks was most likely due to a particularly nasty bug, and probably lingered because mum is so weak and run down.

We're relieved it's not cancer, as is mum, but she feels it's just another thing to add to the long list of problems/ailments she already has.  None of them are that serious per se, but combined they all make her feel very unwell indeed and really drag her down and add to her feeling that life isn't worth living anymore.

Unfortunately, a couple of hours after getting home, mum had another nasty fall in her bedroom and couldn't get up, it took my brother, sister and BiL to get her up and onto her bed.  She's got grazed knees (her skin is paper thin and grazes easily), bumps and bruises and was very shaken up, but didn't need or want paramedics this time.  Sister checked her over, gave her some painkillers and sat with her until she went to sleep.  

There's always something to worry about.

Apologies

I've decided I won't be writing any more blog posts for the time being, for how long I don't know.  Apologies to my regular readers, I know it's annoying when someone stops writing, and please be assured I am very grateful for all the lovely comments and support you've all given me.  Blogland is wonderful, an online community of like-minded, supportive friendly people - often more so than in real life - and it's no reflection on any of you that I'm making this decision.  For various reasons, I just don't want to anymore.  

I shall still be reading your blogs, they're a daily highlight for me.  If any of you want to email me, feel free, although I can't promise to always reply.  

Thank you.

Love and hugs

Sooze x

Using up leftovers. And still no words

I had a few odds and ends of foods that weren't being eaten for one reason or another, so needed to get on and use them up, before they went off or we got fed up with them hanging around and were tempted to bin them - something I really don't want to do anymore.

We had most of a large bag of roasted salted peanuts left from Christmas, the reason being they were excessively salty, too salty to eat.  I did try rinsing a few off, but they didn't taste very nice.  Didn't want to throw them out, though, so decided to make a nut roast - husband won't eat it but I love them.  I rinsed all the peanuts then dried them off on kitchen paper.  I didn't follow a recipe, just winged it - chopped up the nuts, some carrots, couple of leeks and 2 thick end slices of homemade wholemeal bread in my processor, then put it all in a bowl.  Mixed in some grated strong Cheddar, mixed herbs, big squidge of tomato puree, couple of beaten eggs and some melted butter.  It filled 2 loaf tins:-

And after cooking:-

I've sliced and frozen most of it, I'm having it for lunches with a blob of mayo and bit of salad.  It's delicious, even husband quite likes it.

There were some mini Cumberland sausages, also left over from Christmas, in the freezer - I'd used half the pack to make sausage rolls and froze the rest.  So for dinner last night I did a traybake of roasted winter veggies - couple of carrots and parsnips from last week that were going wrinkly, a leek, some mushrooms, a small homegrown butternut squash (only a couple left now) and the sausages.  Made a sauce using bacon stock (from the gammon we had at Christmas), bit of milk, a leek and grated Cheddar to serve with it.

The Council assessor finally turned up at mum's yesterday, having failed to appear for the appointment on Wednesday.  The things mum needs most - a downstairs loo and a stair lift - she can't have.....not enough room, problematical installation or siting given as the reasons, although I suspect cost comes into it too, as her local Council are broke.  There could be a solution to the loo problem, which was suggested, but the assessor said no - they have a strict set of guidelines to adhere to and won't consider any other option.  The woman suggested mum stay upstairs for longer periods until she doesn't feel the need to keep going to the loo....really?!  To be honest, she's upstairs most of the time anyway, but they're more or less confining her to her bedroom. They have agreed to supply another zimmer frame, raised toilet seat and a better shower chair.  The woman said it would probably be better if mum moved to a ground floor flat or bungalow - mum won't hear of it though as she wants to stay close to my sister - understandably, as sis is her main carer and there are no suitable properties for mum nearby.

As for the colonoscopy - still no appointment available.  She is on the urgent 2-week waiting list, they just have no appointments!  They said they will ring with an update before the end of the fortnight....to put her on the next rolling 2-week waiting list, presumably.  I know they're extremely busy and lacking in funds/staff etc, and I do think our NHS are wonderful.  But how is mum supposed to be treated if she can't get an appointment for tests to find out what's wrong with her?

It's like we're banging our heads against a brick wall all the time.  The stress, worry and lack of sleep is doing me in, so goodness knows what it's doing to mum.