Waiting

 Life feels like it's on hold here, nothing is happening, we're hardly seeing anyone other than to wave to when out with the dog.  Neighbours who normally have outside decorations up aren't bothering this year by the looks of things, or only in a very subdued way.  I've not really bothered either...not that we do a lot in terms of decorations anyway, I have even less enthusiasm for it this year.  Christmas is going to be a non event, I doubt we'll be going anywhere or seeing anyone.  I just can't wait for this year - and winter - to be over and done with.  At least it's very nearly the shortest day, we'll start to get a few minutes more daylight soon, and there are spring bulb shoots appearing in the garden.

Husband goes back to the hospital today (I still can't go with him) to have his plaster off, foot xrayed and examined by the consultant.  He's hoping it will be the last time....I'm not so confident, as his foot is still swollen.  If he comes back with yet another plaster or dressing on and news that he still can't drive for another few weeks, I think I'll just sit and cry.  It just feels like it's gone on forever.

Doing our own thing

 Lockdown hasn't been good for lots of us, and with our current Tier 2 restrictions it's not much different really, it's just lockdown by another name, we still can't visit friends or family or have them come to us.  Ok, so shops are open, but I don't much like going in them and have only been a couple of times in the past few weeks.  Lockdown has been even longer for us personally, due to us having to self isolate for 2 weeks prior to husband's operation...well, only he had to self isolate but obviously it more or less meant I had to also.  Since his op, his incapacity has meant we've been thrown together 24/7.  As we normally spend a fair bit of time apart, when he's out gardening or doing jobs for people, it's been difficult for both of us to adjust.

I think some time apart will do us both good - just short periods, I don't mean a trial separation, that's not on the cards at all.  So in the new year, when restrictions are lifted, I intend to go and stay with my brother and sister in law in Cornwall for a few days (they are aware, I'm not just going to turn up on their doorstep!).  I shall be making it a regular thing, every couple of months or so, having a few days away on my own whilst husband stays home with Betty.  In between my trips, husband can have a few trips of his own, going up to stay with his daughter in the Midlands, leaving me and the dog at home...although I have a very good relationship with his daughter, she'll be delighted to have her Dad to herself for a few days.  I think this will work well for both of us, giving us space and time to see relatives and do our own thing.

Small changes and some plans

 I've done a fair bit of baking the last couple of days....3 dozen sausage rolls, 2 dozen mince pies, most of which have gone in the freezer.  Also a couple of cheese, onion and tomato pasties using leftover pastry (we had those for lunch yesterday), and a cake.  I used to make cakes twice a week when husband worked, for him and a workmate...since he retired 3 years ago I don't make them so often.  I don't often eat cake at home, partly because of my diabetes, partly due to making cakes that husband likes, but I'm not very fond of.  He likes bread pudding and fruit cakes, any kind really, so long as they don't have nuts in.  I'm not keen on fruit cake and certainly not bread pudding, and I do like nuts in cakes!  The cake I've made is a chocolate orange cake....yummy!  Husband isn't so enamoured of it though.  I'm not going to be regularly making cakes I like but he doesn't - coffee & walnut, lemon & blueberry, Bakewell tart, chocolate hazelnut brownies - because it won't suit my diet.  But I will occasionally make one that I like, for a change, rather than just what he likes.

Once husband retired, I'd looked forward to us spending more time together, having days out, long walks in woods or countryside with the dog, picnics on the beach, exploring little towns and villages here in Somerset (it's a big county and we've not seen all of it), or further afield in neighbouring counties.  Or just browsing round a garden centre and having a drink in their coffee shops, and going to lots of local car boot sales.  I was hoping for trips out 2 or 3 times a week.  Well, that's not really happened, we've had trips out certainly, but nothing like as many as I'd hoped, once every 2 or 3 weeks if I've been lucky.  Car boot visits have been a rarity, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times we've been to one in the last couple of years....obviously this year has been a washout for that.

Since husband retired, he's taken to doing gardening and odd jobs for friends and neighbours...during spring, summer and autumn he's out several times a week, sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes most of the day, although he does usually come home for lunch.  Which means I'm stuck home alone with the dog, apart from walking her in the field.  To be fair, car maintenance has been a bit of a problem sometimes, necessitating expensive repairs a few times, and husband's prostate and bladder problems did stop us from going out sometimes last year, until his doctors finally got it under control.  Well, I've decided that I'm not going to continue in the same vein, being confined to barracks twiddling my thumbs more or less, whilst husband's out doing what he wants.  I wouldn't stop him doing what he likes doing, but I'm going to start doing things I like too....things like going to the Walled Gardens in the village (lovely gardens open to visitors, not very large but pretty, with glasshouses and a nice little cafe).  Or the Marshes nature reserve, miles of walks there - no cafe but I've bought myself a little backpack big enough to hold my small flask, sandwich and a book.  Or the town - not huge and not my favourite place, but it'll be nice to have a browse round the shops on my own, something I rarely - well, never - get to do.  All these are things for next year, of course, husband can drop me off, go off and do his jobs, then pick me up later.

I'm also going to investigate what courses are available at the local college....I quite fancy doing something arty or crafty, like pottery or jewellery making or papercraft.  I might see if there are any local groups who go on coach trips to cathedrals, gardens or manor houses...none of which husband is that keen on, but I am.

So there are a few of my plans.  I'd still like days out with husband, but if he's going to continue to be too busy next year, I shall do my own thing.

Changing and evolving

 Having done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, I've realised something - I've been a bit of a doormat over the years.  I've allowed things to happen - that goes back to things that happened to me in my childhood.  I've kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself, I've gone along with what others wanted, even if it wasn't what I wanted.  I've sat back and let others do the talking, because it was easier to just sit in the background and let others take centre stage.  I've done mostly what those around me wanted to do, rather than choosing things myself.  There have only been a handful of times over the years when I've asserted myself and said No, I'm not doing that, when I've felt so strongly about something that I just couldn't let it go on.

This year has had a big impact on all of us in different ways....negative for some, positive for others.  And husband's operation and subsequent incapacity has been a major factor in how things have been for me, the catalyst if you like.  I've felt for a long time that I was fading away....not my physical health, but as though I was becoming more and more invisible, like bits of my shadow were breaking off and disappearing.  I've felt taken for granted, ignored even - and not just by husband, I have to add.

Well, not anymore, things WILL be changing.  I'm 61 and have (thankfully relatively minor) health problems - I'm going to have a life, the kind of life I want, before it's too late.  I've started in a small way, making a few small changes here and there, and being more assertive.  It feels empowering.

Sad but lovely memories

 My lovely friend didn't manage another week, she died yesterday.  No pain anymore...and she always had pain, as she had scoliosis.  You'd never hear her complain, although sometimes a little frown would cross her face when she was walking or even sitting...when I asked if she was ok, she'd wave it off and say something like 'oh I'm a little stiff today darling....but how are YOU?'.  There's an example there to follow, I think.  She called me Lovely Girl, which always made me smile...I'm 61 so it's a long time since I was a girl.  She was 74, but had a very young outlook and wore some lovely stylish colourful clothes, she did love colour.  

I've been keeping busy, and smiling when I think about her.  It was a privilege to know her.

A better but ultimately sad day

 I felt much better this morning, after a lovely chat with my best friend last night.  Things are what they are, there's not much I can do to improve matters right now, that can only come with time.  So I just have to grin and bear it....or be miserable for weeks.

To answer a few comments....it turned out to be a bit of a misunderstanding between myself, friend and their spouse...friend assures me there's no problem with lifts, it's all fine.  Good, that's that out of the way.

I'm well aware that it's not practical for us to stay here, and husband's current incapacity has certainly brought that into sharp focus.  We've lived here, very happily, for more than 8 years - when we first moved here we were a long way off retirement, mobile and in very good health.  Perhaps we should have thought (a long way) ahead....hindsight is a wonderful thing!  We don't regret moving here though, it's lovely, especially in summer, and we've made some wonderful friends in this little hamlet.

Finding a new place is not going to be easy....quite difficult in fact, due to our personal circumstances (which I have no intention of talking about here).  Difficult is just that though, not impossible.  I'm sure something suitable will turn up in due course, I'm a firm believer both in fate and in making things happen, if you want something enough then you go out and get it!

And then the sad thing....a very dear friend of mine, a lovely lady I've known for several years, is terminally ill with spinal cancer which has spread.  I had a phone call today to say the end won't be long now, a week at most.  She's being well cared for at home by her lovely long term partner and daughter, with support from carers and Macmillan nurses, she is now unable to speak and is on intravenous morphine, so is hopefully not in pain.  I last spoke to her on the phone about a month ago, although weak she was as cheerful as ever...she's always been like that.  I'm very sad that I won't be able to see or speak to her again, or go to her funeral, but am glad I got to talk to her one last time.  And I'll always have very happy memories of her and her lovely man.  We've had so many deaths of close family and friends in the last 2 or 3 years.

Can't be arsed (swear alert)

 It's one of those 'can't be arsed to do anything' days.  For 2 pins I'd wrap up and take myself off for a day out somewhere on my own, but that's an impossibility.  And before anyone thinks of saying just make a flask and go out for a walk....don't, it's just not feasible here, certainly not in winter.  We live in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farmers' fields, the lanes are very narrow and very muddy, with NO pavements (literally none), and the fields are so muddy and waterlogged you're up to your ankles or even calves in mud.  I can't go anywhere unless I ask someone to take me, which I really can't do - having had to ask people several times recently to take me to GP or hospital appointments, and 2 appointments for the dog, I'm fed up with having to ask, it's embarrassing enough when it's a necessary appointment.  And one friend said the other day their spouse had raised eyebrows when they said they were taking me to an appointment, so I'm clearly making a nuisance of myself.

I'm just so bloody fed up of being imprisoned indoors, other than the twice daily dog walks, which aren't exactly thrilling for either Betty or myself, given that we can only walk the narrow lanes or a quagmire of a field.  And fed up with being taken for granted.  And just plain downright sodding bored to tears - there's only so much housework or cooking I can (or am willing!) to do.  As for crafting, e.g. making Christmas cards.....I'm just not in the mood for it, Christmas can bugger right off this year as far as I'm concerned.

Husband was very rude about the dinner I cooked yesterday - he didn't like it, fair enough, I wasn't forcing him to eat it, but he could have just said 'sorry darling, it's not to my taste but thank you for the effort you made' instead of being tactless and insulting.  I'd leave him to do the cooking if it wasn't for the fact that he has no imagination and I'd have to spend so much time constantly telling him what to do (because everything I tell him just goes in one ear and straight out the other), it's just easier to do it myself.  He's dyslexic so can't follow a recipe.

I'll be fine tomorrow I expect....tomorrow is another day (well not another one like today I bloody hope!!)

If anyone says 'think yourself lucky ' or 'count your blessings ' though, I shall probably scream - you have been warned!