Nope, it's not gonna be one of those days!

 First argument of the day was just a few minutes after I'd got up - husband was already up, for a change.  I happened to innocently mention something that he'd done yesterday - nothing bad, it was actually good, he'd made our last hot drink of the day.  Well, he immediately flatly denied it, insisting he didn't and it was me who'd made it, and continued to insist even though I didn't argue.  I just said "Ok I did" and walked away thinking for Pete's sake (who was Pete?), can't I even have my first coffee before the arguments start?!  And over something so trivial, and what does it matter anyway?!  😒Honestly, that man could start an argument in an empty room.

Thankfully, he's now gone to the gym so I have peace for an hour.  I've got things to do today, including organising a couple of small jobs for husband to do, so I'm determined not to have one of  'those' days.  Betty wouldn't eat her breakfast, just stood staring at it then looking up at her treats shelf - there's nothing wrong with her, she just wanted treats instead of her nutritious breakfast.  So I stood firm and told her to get on with her breakfast and she wasn't getting any treats.....she did eat it.  I then told both her and husband that I wasn't putting up with any nonsense from either of them today, I think they both got the message 😂😂

It's husband's 75th birthday tomorrow, I asked him last week what he wants as a gift, he said he doesn't want anything.....in the past couple of days he's bought himself 2 or 3 things off ebay, so he says that's his presents to himself.  Ok by me.  I also asked him about birthday food - he insisted he doesn't want to go out for a meal, nor does he want anything special cooked - he normally asks for steak or a huge pork chop.  We have to go to the supermarket for a very small top up shop of fresh food later, so I'll see if he changes his mind then.  I think he's just being obstinate, just because that's his default setting nowadays.

Bright sunshine again this morning, temp is supposed to be 6 or 7 deg, but I went in the garden with Betty and it was blimmin freezing cold, it's that bitter wind again.  Readers from overseas must think what is she on about, we have 6ft snow drifts and -20 temperatures, now that's cold!!  I'm just a wimp nowadays, a southern softy who hates feeling cold.  I'm so glad we don't have snow or really cold temperatures and that we live in a lovely warm home, my sympathies for those of you who have snow and ice at the moment.  Keep safe!

Lovely sleep

 I got a text early yesterday to say the mattress would be coming between 10 and 12, much better than having to wait all day.  It actually arrived at 09.50, even better.  One slight problem....it's much deeper than my previous mattress and my fitted sheets weren't big enough, so we had to nip into town to buy a deeper one.  Not much choice of colours (only white or grey actually), but it was cheap enough and it's only a temporary measure, I've ordered a couple more in my preferred purple colour off the internet (how did we all manage before the internet?!).

Well, both Betty and I slept well last night, the mattress is lovely, medium firm was the description and it feels both - nice soft and comfy top layer with firm supportive springs underneath, then another soft layer at the bottom.  The mattress is flippable, my last one wasn't.  I didn't wake up until 7.10, which is late for me, I almost didn't want to get out of bed it was so comfy and warm.

And another good thing - my bus pass arrived yesterday, which was amazingly quick.  Whilst the photo on it looks awful (I hate having my photo taken, which is reflected in my facial expression) and having a concessionary free bus pass is another reminder that I'm getting old - it does now mean that I can have free bus travel whenever and wherever I want (within reason).  I won't be taking advantage of it just yet though - it's far too cold for me to be standing around at bus stops waiting for a notoriously unreliable bus that might well be late, too full to allow any more passengers on, or not turn up at all.  Anyway, the prospect of sitting in close proximity in an enclosed space with people who might be coughing and sneezing, filling the bus up with germs, doesn't much appeal right now.  😱  I'll wait till it gets a bit warmer and the colds/flu viruses start easing up, thanks.  Apparently, the bus pass also entitles me to half fare on a couple of the dial-a-ride door-to-door minibus services that operate locally, which is good news - it means we'll be able to get to GP or other appointments which aren't served by normal bus services.

Very cold again today (no snow here though), I'll be putting bed linen on the line but I'm sure it won't fully dry out there.

Oh, husband must have argued himself out on Sunday, he was ok yesterday, just a normal level of contrariness which is easier to deal with.

Sigh. And planning for tomorrow and future meals

 Thank you once again for comments, it's a relief to know that some of you do understand.

Husband has been in one of his super-argumentative moods today, several times I've had to say "Ok dear, whatever you say" and just walk away into the bathroom or my bedroom with the door firmly shut, as it's the only way to stop his constant arguing, he could and would argue until the cows come home.  Or until I give in and agree he's right.  Even when he isn't.  It's exhausting.  Hopefully he'll have calmed down tomorrow.

My new mattress is arriving tomorrow, it's one of those 07.00am to 6.00 pm deliveries.....not very helpful but that's life, we're not going out anywhere so it doesn't really matter.  I'll have to be up early though - well, I'm always up early anyhow - in order to strip my bed off, the delivery firm are bringing a big bag to put the old mattress in and take it away, thankfully.  It would be preferable if they come in the morning - I don't really want to be getting the bed made up in the evening, I've got no energy left by then.  I've got all my new bedding and pillows out ready to go on the bed.

I chopped a load of veg up this morning to go in the slow cooker, making husband a lamb stew, he'll be having it today and tomorrow, with leftovers being frozen (if there are any, he serves himself up bigger portions than I do, so I'll have to make sure I do it!).  I also did a trayful of potatoes and parsnips and roasted them in the Ninja, I'll have some with my nut roast today, the rest to freeze.

This afternoon I've just sat reading, I'm feeling a bit run down and tired and my shoulder and lower back are really painful again.  No snow here and none forecast either, but it is very cold - 3 deg but feeling colder, and -1 overnight.  It's been quite sunny though, and should be still for the next 3 or 4 days, but it's deceptive - makes you think it might be warmer outside when it's not.  I've been putting washing out the last few days but by the end of the day it's still not dry so has to be finished off on the airer or in the airing cupboard.....at least it has that nice fresh outdoorsy smell though from being on the line for a few hours.

Following my freezer and larder inventory the other day, I sat and wrote out 24 days worth of dinners using what we have, I could probably stretch to another few days extra with the addition of some bought in veg.  I still seem to have loads of cheese in the fridge, it barely seems to be going down at all!  I'll have to make some veggie & cheese pasties or quiches, there's pastry in the freezer and I've got plenty of eggs.

Following on from the previous post

 I think I need to make a few things clear, as I seem to be getting a lot of unsolicited advice from people who have no real knowledge or understanding of how things are.  I know you all mean well, and thank you for that, but - as has been said many times before - unless you are in my shoes, living my life and married to my husband, the likelihood is you have very little idea of how things work.

So....

1.  Husband does not have a social worker.

2.  There is no medical treatment for Cognitive Impairment (CI), unlike some forms of dementia which can be helped or slowed down at least by some medications.  There are no specific groups, courses or specialist nursing staff for CI, unlike for dementia.  After husband had his tests, he was given a written diagnosis and then it was 'Goodbye then, mind how you go' and he was promptly discharged there and then from the service.  The consultant psychologist did apologise, but said there was nothing further she could do.

3.  We did once attend a group session called the Forget-me-not club, mainly for dementia sufferers.  Husband hated it and refused to go again, I can't say as I blame him as we could both see it wasn't geared towards him and his CI at all.

4.  Yes I would like a break, but how exactly does anyone think that is going to happen?  We have no family or close friends nearby, I don't have transport, I'm not the sort of person who would be happy having a hotel or cottage break on my own or with a load of strangers.

5.  Husband is not disabled enough, physically or mentally, to go into a nursing home, he doesn't fit the criteria for a respite break either.

6.  Whatever things some people suggest, the chances are I've already tried it.  

7.  Yes I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes, and I often vent on here - but that's all it is, just venting, letting off steam!  If I can't do that on my own blog, when/where can I?  Once I've got things off my chest, I'm generally ok again.

The bottom line is, he's still my husband, regardless of his changed personality, we've been together nearly 45 years and I'm not going anywhere, I promised his daughter that I would look after him to the best of my ability and until one of us dies and I will keep that promise.  I most certainly do feel like running away sometimes, but even if I did get to that point, I'm sure it would only be for a matter of hours!  Where would I go anyway? (see Point 4 above).

Oh, and I am definitely not a martyr - I'm just a woman/wife coping with things and doing my best in the only way I know how!

Understanding husband's Cognitive Impairment (CI)

 Thank you for all the comments once again.  I think it might be helpful to give a reminder about what CI is - and the fact that husband suffers from it.  The following list of symptoms is taken from an NHS website:-

What is a Cognitive Impairment?

Cognitive Impairment is the medical term for problems with any aspect of thinking ability. 

Symptoms of a Cognitive Impairment can include:

Memory problems

Understanding

Reasoning

Organizing

Problem solving

Decision making 

Attention

Difficulty interpreting the world around (visual-spatial skills)

Speech and language

Husband has all of the above.  He was clinically diagnosed with CI around 4 or 5 years ago, following a brain scan and a series of cognitive tests conducted by a consultant psychologist, which I attended with husband having been asked to by the psychologist.  He also has a number of behavioural changes too - apathy, indifference, lack of empathy, inappropriate talk and behaviour, delusional ideas and obsessional behaviour.  The psychologist explained to me that CI can be, although not always, a precursor to various forms of dementia - whilst not everyone with CI automatically goes on to develop dementia, many do - people with CI are statistically much more likely to develop some form of dementia - there are many types although everyone generally thinks of Alzheimers first.

Husband has historically always been known for being very laid back, easygoing, very humorous (life and soul of the party), very kind and helpful, very industrious - he'd always worked hard, both at work and at home.  That man who I was married to for decades has pretty much vanished, being replaced with a virtual stranger who I no longer recognise, except for very brief flashes.  He's now obstinate, argumentative, confrontational, lazy, tells lies, with a short term memory that is completely shot to pieces.  Oh and did I mention obstinate? - that's one of his most annoying traits.

So 'normal' requests for husband to do something don't really work.  Nor does writing a list of jobs, as some of you have suggested - I've tried that and it just doesn't work.  In any case, he's also severely dyslexic so reading/writing aren't easy for him.

The past couple of days he has actually done a few little jobs I've requested, with a few reminders and some firmness on my part.  Persistence and standing firm is the key, but in a calm manner.  Adjusting my own behaviour is also necessary - I basically need to stop doing everything myself simply because it's quicker and easier and avoids the grumbles, complaints and arguments I get from him.  But then I'm left feeling resentful and frustrated, which ends up spiralling.

Life is not easy nowadays, hasn't been for a couple of years as husband's CI has progressed.  However, I'm determined to try and improve things, for both of us, this year....or the reality is I'll end up having a breakdown or walking out.

Start as I mean to go on

 So, besides being proactive this year, I've been thinking about what I want to achieve.  The little legacy I received a couple of months ago was a huge boon, it's enabled me to achieve all of my Needs and Wants list for last year.  I've spent quite a lot these last couple of weeks on the new mattress, bedding, assorted small kitchen and bathroom things, and now I don't want - or need - to spend any more.  Husband has a couple of biggish purchases in mind - that's fine, they're quite sensible things so nothing I need to try and talk him out of, and he's got the money in his own account for what he wants.  I'd like to concentrate on building up a fair amount of savings, to give me some peace of mind that I'll have sufficient savings to cover any appliance breakdowns, or major vet bills - Betty is insured but only for a relatively modest amount, things like x-rays or operations cost £100s, £1000s even and would soon exceed the insured amount.  Her insurance premium has risen by a vast amount due to her age and breeds, shar peis and bulldogs (she's a cross of both) cost more to insure because of genetic health problems, ironically none of which Betty suffers from.  The legacy has given me a headstart on this, I've a good amount of savings already but will keep on building this up.

I've done a freezer and larder inventory this morning, including the 2 larder boxes under my bed.  I've got the makings of probably 4 weeks of meals, if not more, which I'm pleased about, my shopping spend for January should be very low, needing only milk, bread for husband (I've got 2 sourdough loaves for myself in the freezer, which will last me at least a month), fresh fruit and, towards the end of the month, fresh veg.  So the money I don't spend on shopping can go into savings.

I've also decided to change the way that things get done around here.   Normally, what happens is that in the mornings I get on with the jobs I need to do, and then do a few things that husband should be doing but often doesn't.  The reason being that I get fed up of asking and being ignored and getting resentful at him just lounging around doing nothing.....so I just get on and do it myself, because these things need doing, someone's got to do them and so I do for the sake of a quiet life and because I want them done.  There's no point in me hoping that he'll realise that a) or b) needs doing and get on with it, his mind just doesn't work like that, he's pretty much oblivious.  And I guess, as one or two of you have mentioned, I'm enabling him to sit and do bugger all and expect me to do everything - because I do it!  So from now on he's going to do a few more jobs - all of which he is perfectly capable of, it's just a case of me asking him once, then possibly reminding him once, and then if necessary get the big guns out and insist he does it now!  I have also had a chat with him this morning and said he's got to do more as it's not fair to expect me to do everything.  He agreed quite amiably, but will of course need reminding from time to time.  So that's the start of me being proactive! 

Jeremy Beadle-esque shopping, and my New Year word

 I may have said this before, but going shopping with husband is a complete nightmare!

I had a list of things I wanted to get in Dunelm this morning - some bedding, pillows, and several kitchen and bathroom things, I was hoping to be able to get them all in their sale.  We went early to beat any sales crowds - it's a 45 minute drive out there, so husband has to take me, no chance of me going alone, there's no direct bus route.  Plus I wouldn't be able to carry everything!  We got there around 09.30, it was almost empty then.  Husband didn't want to wait in the car as he said there were a couple of things he wanted to look at - fair enough, but he spent the first 10 mins or so trailing around after me like a spare part, talking at me and suggesting cheaper options - cheap is always what husband goes for, whereas I like to get the best quality at a price I'm happy to pay.  So I suggested he go off and look for the things he wanted, and asked him to also look for a couple of the kitchen things I wanted - simple things he couldn't get confused over, like a plastic jug, thus giving me more browsing time alone.  He was back after just 5 minutes.....although he actually walked past me twice, just 6 feet away from me, and didn't notice me as he was looking in every direction except towards me!  When he eventually found me he said he couldn't find/or they didn't have the items....funnily enough when we both went together, I found them within a minute or two with no trouble - he must have had blinkers on (or his eyes shut).

Anyhow, I got everything on my list, and all at between 30-50% off in the sales, except one thing which I was happy to pay full price for as it was only £5 anyway (a hessian potato storage bag lined with black material inside to stop spuds going green and sprouting in the light).  Got to the checkouts - 3 staff members milling around apparently doing nothing behind the checkouts - certainly not serving as they told us we had to use the self service tills!  Why is it that so many shops now are forcing people to use self service tills, even when they appear to have sufficient staff to man the tills as normal?  Grrr.  Anyway, got it all scanned and loaded back into the trolley and paid for.....and then husband sauntered off outside with his hands in his pockets, leaving me loaded up like a packhorse with the full trolley (2 big thick quilted bedspreads, 3 packs of pillowcases, assorted kitchen and bathroom bits) and a pack of two pillows under my arm, along with my shoulder bag.  When I got out of the doors the sun was blazingly bright and due to the time of year, low and dazzling me so I couldn't see.  I stopped and scrabbled about in my shoulder bag, looking for my sunglasses (dropping the pillows in the process), which meant I had to let go of the trolley, which promptly rolled down the incline outside the door towards the car park.  So of course I had to run after it and grab it before it crashed into a car or knocked somebody over (the car park was filling up by now).  I called out for husband, who was nearly at the car, completely oblivious to my plight (of course he was!! 😒).  Hence why I'd much rather shop on my own!  I'm happy to have got everything I wanted though, and at good prices, although I did kind of expect Jeremy Beadle (remember him?) to be lurking outside with a hidden camera 😂😂

Many of you have been doing end of year reviews on your blogs, which set me thinking about our year.  Frankly, it's not been a good one, what with one thing and another.  Having thought about it, I've realised that I've spent a lot of time reacting to things husband has said or done, giving in for the sake of peace quite often too.  If I want our lives - and more specifically, my life - to improve, then I've got to stop merely being reactive and start being proactive - the only person who can make my life better is me.  And that means setting boundaries and reiterating them when necessary (which will be often, but if I don't do it then husband will keep on pushing the boundaries, leaving me feeling frustrated and resentful).  I have to start being more active and doing more activities to improve my health, both physical and mental, and keep encouraging husband to do the same, reminding him that his present very sedentary lifestyle is doing him no good at all.  If I want us to go on outings, especially whilst husband has still got the car, then I've got to plan and initiate them, regardless of his complaints - hoping he'll come up with something is a waste of time, he never does.  Once I've got my bus pass I shall start going into town, or elsewhere, once I've investigated where buses go.  And when we've no longer got the car, I'll still plan for us both to have trips out together as well.  So 2026 is going to be the year of being PROACTIVE.

Problem relative has been very troublesome these past couple of weeks also - I know it's largely due to the time of year.  He's become one of the most selfish and self absorbed people going, he has zero empathy or understanding of how his behaviour affects others, he really does expect us all to do everything he wants.  I and other family members have bent over backwards to help him for so many years, including arranging for expert outside help - he nearly always flatly refuses this help, or initially accepts it and then very quickly starts being rude and obstructive to the people offering help, resulting in the services being withdrawn.  Following family discussion, we've agreed that he's got to be told that we cannot do everything he wants, when he wants, and he's got to start helping himself or accepting the outside help in a calm, polite and friendly manner - or else he'll be on his own.  Harsh but got to be done.

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy New Year, and thank you all most kindly for all the friendship, help, support and advice you've given me over the past year, I appreciate it more than you know.

Sooze xx