Just tired

This is going to come across as very self indulgent and whiny, I know that.  So feel free to not read!

As most of you know, we've had one problem after another for the past year, starting in February last year with husband's angina diagnosis, followed rapidly by numerous other health-related issues.  Mostly his, culminating in his heart failure revelation, but also my mother's, sister's and my own health stuff.  And we had quite serious financial issues too, the fallout from which is ongoing and, frankly, is getting me down.  

Well, now husband has what is hopefully the urine infection....I say hopefully, because our GP didn't think it was showing up as a typical infection and is concerned it might be something else, possibly to do with his kidneys.  I'm not even allowing myself to think about that, although I am worried, of course.  As is he.  We have just got to wait for the results of the urine test, and then any other tests he may have to go to hospital for, according to the GP.  

I know he's not well - he started off this morning feeling much better, but is back to feeling unwell this evening.  But oh boy is he bad tempered, he's really been taking it out on both me and the dog, which especially annoys me as she's not done anything wrong, other than being a normal exuberant young dog, and won't learn anything when he persists in shouting at her and doing the opposite of what I do with her.

Family members have been so wrapped up with their own problems lately that we're largely being ignored.  I know they've got problems too, I do make a point of checking with them regularly that they're doing ok.  But we don't get the same in return - well, they do quite often ask how husband is, but not me.  In fact one of them actually laughed at me a month or so ago when I mentioned about my lack of sleep and painful back/hip, the attitude was 'Is that all?!'.  Husband's family almost never get in touch - he comes from a big family, 9 siblings (8 still alive) and only ever hears, and that's sporadically, from 2 of them.  

Our neighbours are mostly lovely - but they always ask how husband is, never me.  

I've had insomnia my entire life - literally, my mum took me to the doctor when I was about 7 or 8 because she was worried about me not sleeping much, he said I just had an overactive mind and would grow out of it.  I'm still waiting for that!  People seem to think that just because I've always suffered with it, that it's ok and doesn't bother me.  Crap!  I need sleep just as much as anyone else and just lately it's affecting me more than ever before.  What with all our problems and my painful back and hip, I'm sleeping less than ever and am permanently exhausted.  I've got bags under my eyes, dull dry skin, limp hair (which is shedding like mad) and look and feel about 75.  Our holiday seems like a distant memory.  I feel like I could do with an entire fortnight in bed, doing absolutely nothing.  Either that or running away.  But I can't, of course - I have a poorly husband and a dog to feed and take care of, washing to do, the house to keep tidy and reasonably clean (although most of the housework has gone out the window, I just can't be bothered and haven't got the energy).  Husband can and does cook occasionally - if I ask him to - but he would be content to live on beans or egg on toast or sandwiches.  We're supposed to be eating healthily, on medical advice, but it's me who has to plan for that, check what we have in, meal plan and do shopping lists etc, as well as the cooking, husband wouldn't know where to start.

Several times recently I've said things to various people, but have been ignored or had very little reaction.  I ask people to do things and am met with rolling eyes or sighs of exasperation.  I increasingly feel like I'm invisible and mute....or I may as well be.  I'm just so tired of everything, and tired of the fact that I have to shout and scream to make myself heard.