A new way of living

 Looking back at some of my posts, I can see that this bout of depression started around December/January, although I wasn't really aware of it actually being depression for some weeks.  I suffer from reactive depression, meaning that it comes on as a reaction to something, usually some stressful event or period of time.  I think this time around it was mainly caused by the problems we had with the car husband bought in late November, and which began exhibiting problems very soon after we got it.  I'm not going into all the whys and wherefores of it, that's ancient history, and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Suffice it to say that we are still having problems with it, the friendly mobile mechanic has done all he can with the car, changing several parts, none of which have cured the root problem.  He says there's little point in changing any more parts, and it unfortunately looks like the root problem (which he and husband have established is something to do with the clutch) is going to persist.  Whilst the car is driveable and the problem doesn't actually impact the use of the car, it will be an MOT failure.  The MOT is due in November, so we need to get rid of the car and get another before then.  Husband has dithered about, bored the pants off me with his constant online searching for and telling me about cars (I'm not remotely interested in them), we've been to see a few likely-looking cars, and for whatever reasons (some of which seem downright plain stupid to me), he's discounted all of them.  Well I've told him he needs to get his finger out, stop being so bloody picky and unrealistic in his expectations, and actually get on with the business of finding a suitable car, before he runs out of time.  And that's my last word on the subject, it's up to him to get on with it.  He knows he's got to, I've left him in no doubt about my feelings on the matter.

Having had that chat with him, rearranged our budget and implemented a few changes to it, done the full freezers and larder inventory, worked out a month's menu plan and made the decision to shop monthly from now on, and got to grips with a few other things, I now feel totally back in control for the first time in months.  I've changed myself too - in that I've changed how I deal with things that I find stressful or anxiety-inducing.  That applies to family and friends too - I don't suffer fools gladly, I'm choosing not to do things that I don't want to do, I'm not getting involved in things that others do if I don't want to.  I've changed the way I deal with the problem relative - if they genuinely need assistance then I'll help where I can.  If they're just being overly dramatic for no good reason, I just don't engage with them at all until it blows over.  And I'm certainly not going to put up with the rudeness and spitefulness, that's a complete No-No.

I guess I'm now standing up for myself and doing what I want (or don't want), after a lifetime spent looking after other people since the age of 13, doing what others want, and not being taken notice of.  At the age of 62, I think it's about time!

Getting myself back

 Went shopping yesterday as planned and pretty much stuck to my list, there were only a handful of things that weren't available but I managed to get substitutes.  I was actually pleasantly surprised at the cost of the shop, it was about £30 or £40 less than I was expecting, seeing as it was a month's worth.....I had 2 vouchers totalling £9 off though so that helped.  I also bought a few supermarket own brand things instead of the premium branded versions I would normally have got - not that I'm a brand snob, I'm certainly not, but we do have certain branded things we prefer over others.  E.g. we like the Branston baked beans, but the supermarket own brand ones are so much cheaper, and I can easily jazz them up with spices or Worcester sauce, for example.

Whatever money is left in my shopping account at the end of the month, I will then move over to one of my savings accounts, boosting the savings a bit more.

We had a letter yesterday from our electricity company saying we'll be without power from 08.00 to 18.00 one day next week, due to essential works.  No bother, we'll go to the caravan for the day.  I don't want to be without my favourite frothy coffees....frothy coffee doesn't stay frothy in a flask!  And husband would be lost without all his favourite daytime TV rubbish 😒😜.  I do have to give him credit though, he is getting better at turning the TV off after he's watched something (with a bit of encouragement from me).  It's so nice to have the van near enough for a day trip.

Got to pop into town first thing this morning, we have several things to do there.  Once home I'll be making a bacon, tomato and halloumi puff pastry tart, half to have for tea with salad, the other half to freeze.  I'll also make a couple of cakes to fill up the oven whilst it's on for the tart, they'll most likely be frozen too.  And I'll also do some garlic bread - a large baguette sliced up and spread with homemade garlic butter with cheese, then open frozen on a big tray before being bagged up.

I really do feel like my old self is on the way back, there have been many times recently when I've not even wanted to get out of bed as I didn't want to face the day.  I'm glad of the fact that I've not had to resort to antidepressants this time around, although there were a few times when I thought I'd have to, whether I wanted it or not.

Back in control

 I had an admin day yesterday.  I spent the morning doing a full freezer, fridge and larder inventory and after a quick read through and calculation, was pleased to find I have the makings of around 25 meals, including half a dozen home cooked ready meals.  I then wrote menu plans for lunches and dinners for the rest of this month, using up what we've got in freezer and larder, followed by a shopping list.  I'm going to try only going shopping once this month (today), but with possibly a top up shop for eggs and fresh veggies in a couple of weeks......going shopping less often certainly means spending less.

I then did a revised budget, which I try to do every 3 months, checking the bank accounts and listing every outgoing and all our incomings (husband's State pension and 3 smallish private pensions, and my one slightly bigger private pension).  Husband's private pensions in his own account all go towards car expenses, his State pension and my private pension are for housekeeping and general expenses in our main bank account.  I have one main savings account for our van site fees, with a standing order set up from our main account to go monthly into that savings account, another account for shopping, which I transfer a monthly amount into, and a 3rd account which is my 'rainy day' savings account.  This account I transfer random amounts into, using the 'rounding down' method - as an example, if I had, say, £289.75 in my main account, I would round it down to £280.00 and move the remaining £9.75 to the rainy day account.  I try to do this a couple of times a week, so there's usually something like £10 or £15 going into that account every week.  It soon adds up.

So now I've got a monthly menu plan in place, and our finances are all up to date and ticking over quite nicely, that's eased my mind.

Shopping today and, as mentioned the other day, I'm intending to do a shop for the whole of this month - luckily I have plenty of space in the freezer, having eaten mostly homemade frozen ready meals whilst we were in the caravan, and eaten out of the freezer since we've been home.  So I'll be able to freeze a month's worth of milk, etc, and have a batch cooking day to make and freeze lots more ready meals.  We're going to start making bread again rather than buying it, I have plenty of flour and yeast, having stocked up on that a couple of weeks ago.

Everything feels pretty much under control right now, and that's a feeling I haven't had for a few months.

There's going to be some changes....

 Sue from A Smaller Life made a comment yesterday about how it was a shame our caravan site isn't a residential one, as if it were we could live there so much more cheaply than at home.  Well yes, there's no doubt we could.....but even if it were a fully residential site, there's one very big disadvantage about it - the small size of the van.  Well, in comparison to our house.  The van is 31' x 10', with a fenced in garden that's about 30' long by about 8' wide.  There's nowhere for any of the three of us (including Betty) to go to have some peace and quiet - yes we do have 2 bedrooms, but as the van interior walls are made more or less of cardboard (well, not actually cardboard but they may as well be) there's no getting away from noises made by the other members of our family!  So if I'm in my bedroom, which is very small, even with the door shut I can clearly hear the TV, or husband talking, or Betty whining outside my door wanting to be let in.  I love my caravan (as you all know by now!), but it's tiny and doesn't really have peaceful private spaces where I can take myself off to in order to wind down and relax.  It's a good size for a holiday place, but I really don't think it's suitable for 2 people and a dog to live in permanently in comfort.  And the kitchen (a galley kitchen) and bathroom are very small.  Our house isn't huge, but a 2-storey house with lounge, kitchen/diner, utility room and 3 bedrooms, plus a reasonable sized garden front and rear, garage and 3 sheds (don't ask!) is massive in comparison to the caravan.  

Even though we've been together for 41 years (39 married) and wouldn't still be together if we didn't love each other, I think we'd murder each other if we had to live permanently together in a tiny space!

It feels good to be home, 10 days away in the van has done me a power of good.  I'm feeling a lot better, although am aware now that my mental state is quite fragile and my equilibrium can be derailed by even small things (like the bathroom incident).  The thing is, I suppose, to try not to let the small things become big things, and to tell myself I can bounce back from them.  Betty was clearly also pleased to be home, she ran all round the house, checking there were no intruders and that everything was still in its place, and then ran upstairs, jumped straight on my bed and settled down for a long and sprawled out snooze.  She was clearly happy to be able to stretch out on a big bed again, rather than sharing my small single bed in the van.

I've done a lot of thinking at the van, and over the last few weeks during this period of depression, and have come to a few conclusions.  I don't suffer fools gladly - if I don't like something that someone has done or said, then I will tell them, I'm not just keeping my mouth shut and seething inside, I've done that too often over the years.  

A few of you have mentioned that my husband gets away with a lot and I do a lot for him - yes that's true.  Because of his severe dyslexia, I've always done all the paperwork and admin stuff - as a former secretary for most of my working life, it's always been second nature to do all that anyway, I don't mind that at all.  When we lived in the Midlands and both worked full time, we shared the housework and cooking....once we moved down here and I didn't work anymore (no need, and no opportunities for a job for me anyway), I did all the home stuff.  Husband was still working full time, so it was only fair that I did everything at home.  Well, he's been retired for over 4 years now, yet I still do pretty much everything at home.  Husband does cook occasionally (very, very occasionally)....well, it's more a case of him putting things in the oven that I've already made, such as a quiche or cottage pie or something, and adding a few veggies to it.  He'd say that he often does lunch - well seeing as we normally have just a salad or a sandwich or something on toast for lunch, he doesn't really have a lot to do, and we often get our own lunches anyway, as husband likes to have his early, whereas I'm often busy doing something and like to eat a bit later.  Other than that, he has just 2 main jobs in the house which are 'his' jobs - vacuuming, which he does because he knows it hurts my back, and emptying the bins/taking the rubbish out on bin day.  Now, having a dog who sheds a lot of hair, the vacuuming really needs doing every other day - I'm lucky if husband does it once a week, and then I have to remind him it needs doing.  As for the bins.....again I have to point out that the bins need emptying - why, when he can see for himself that they are overflowing?!  When I asked him a couple of weeks ago to empty the bedroom and bathroom bins, he grumbled under his breath and said "can't you do it?".  I said yes I could.....but then it would become MY job, just another job to add to the list of 653 jobs that I already do!  So the point is, I'm not letting him get away with it anymore - he's got to take responsibility for the jobs he's supposed to do, and help me out more around the house.  

And before anyone says well he has got heart failure, poor bloke......he was discharged by his cardiologist more than 2 years ago, the consultant told him that his HF was well under control, to the point where the cardiologist didn't need to see him anymore, and he simply had to keep taking the tablets (he'll be on them for life) and only get in touch again if anything changed.  Which it hasn't.  He does have an ongoing bladder and prostate problem - but so do lots of men his age.  And I have bladder, back and joint problems myself, as well as a congenital liver condition and diabetes.  None of us is getting any younger or healthier!

Prioritising

 Monday morning and it's as quiet as the grave here now, apart from the distant hum of traffic.  Nearly everyone has gone home now, other than the lovely C & J next door, and one couple down in the long-term tourers.  I've never seen it so quiet actually, although I'm guessing the weather forecast for the coming week has a lot to do with it - showers or heavier rain spells all week.  C & J are going home today, as are we.  We've now spent a total of 34 nights here at the van since the site reopened on 1 March, how lucky are we.  

I paid the annual site fees the other day, so am happy with the knowledge that we have another full year to look forward to in the van.  It's been an absolute godsend, I really don't know what I'd have done without it, it truly is my haven.....peaceful surroundings with lovely views, a pretty garden to sit in, and the most wonderful friendly neighbours we could have asked for.  But not just C & J - all the other van owners here are so friendly, we're greeted by name with a beaming smile every time we come.  The owner is nice and very amenable, and I've developed a warm friendship with his OH, a fellow dog owner, we have lots of chats.  I feel wrapped up in a warm comforting hug just being here, the community spirit here is just amazing.

It's made me determined to keep up with the annual site fees for as long as we can.  Seeing my savings account so depleted after paying the fees is a bit eyebrow raising, so I must do whatever I can to keep adding to it to save up the fees for next year.  In common with everyone, all of our utility bills have gone up, with another potentially big increase in energy costs later in the year - I'm grateful that the (millionaire) Chancellor has seen fit to give us a bit more help.  As for food and petrol/diesel costs - they continue to rise on a weekly basis.  Husband's State pension and my small private pension have gone up too.....not by much, but every little helps.  But we are on a fixed income, we have no way of getting any more money, well, not unless husband finds some more things to sell at a car boot sale.  So I have to try and juggle things around and make even more savings on the shopping bill, little adjustments on the way we use electricity, and only using the car when necessary.

I'll give it some thought over the next few days and see what I can come up with.  Paying the caravan site fees is a priority.

Oh, and edited to say.....weren't the Platinum Party at the Palace and the Pageant yesterday brilliant?  Especially the intro with the Queen and Paddington Bear - genius, and what a bloody good sport our amazing Queen is.

Low key bunting, and a drawing

 Thanks so much for all your lovely comments again, bloggers are such a kind lot.  Gill, I hope you manage to find a good site, we looked at loads before we found this one.  I know site fees on the bigger parks are horrendously expensive, luckily the fees here are very reasonable and the owner hasn't put them up this year either - in fact, he apparently hasn't for a few years!

Jubilee celebrations have been very low key here on the park, only a few vans put up bunting.  Here's ours:-

It's very quiet here again, more of the holidaymakers went home this morning, only a couple left and a couple of long term touring vans, plus a handful of fellow static owners.  Just how I like it.

I normally like to draw flowers and trees, but thought I'd have a go at something different - an owl....I've never attempted any kind of animal or bird before, well not a realistic one.  I watched a tutorial online and then had a go, this is the result:-

I'm reasonably pleased with it for a first attempt, I can see where I need to make improvements and do things differently next time.

My mifi internet thingy is in and out like a fiddler's elbow today, it's just taken about an hour to put these photos on.  Can't be bothered with it anymore, so will be switching off now.

So kind

 Sorry for the absence, I've not had the computer on.  Not that I felt like posting anything, anyway.  

We've been lucky with the weather here at the park, lots of warm sunshine, although a bit windy now and then.  More people have arrived, holidaymakers in touring vans and tents rather than other static owners, I guess some of them aren't yet retired so only come at weekends.  Although there are more people, including young children and teenagers, here now, they're mostly down the bottom end of the park nearest the road, so it's still very quiet up here where we are.  And being a bank holiday, there's less traffic about - not that we notice the traffic much up here anyway.

We've been the recipients of some amazing kindness the past couple of days, there are some lovely people here.  We've got a couple of trough tubs for growing salad leaves and radishes, we wanted to put them up on the van garden fence to keep them away from the slugs and snails, especially since we won't always be here to keep an eye on them.  Husband mentioned to our lovely van neighbours that he was going to buy some metal brackets to put them up.....next thing we knew, Charlie had made some out of wood (he was a carpenter before retirement and says he likes to keep his hand in....he's 85!).  He said it was by way of a thank you for the fruit cake I'd given them.....I'd made a big fruit cake last week, specifically to bring and share with the neighbours.

And the park owner's other half, who I get on very well with, has this morning given us a lovely sturdy wooden dog ramp, it has a non-slip mat, is foldable and brand new.  She bought it for her gorgeous lovely-natured but elderly and infirm Labradoodle, so she can get in the car easily.....only her dog doesn't like it and flatly refuses to step on it!  Whilst Betty has no trouble getting in our car (she's very good at jumping), there will come a time when she probably won't be able to, so N offered it to us for the future and refused to take any money for it, even though it's brand new and good quality.

We've made some really lovely friends here on the park, people who are genuine and so very kind.  It's a mutual thing, everyone offers loans of tools and a helping hand if any jobs need doing, another neighbour who was going home on Monday offered husband the use of his long ladder so he could clean out our van gutters, he even brought it over and said no rush to get it done, just stick it back under his caravan when husband had finished.  Charlie next door often borrows husband's tools, husband borrows his too.  Husband helped him with a small job on his van today, after telling C what type of thing he needed to buy, as C wasn't sure.  We all water each other's plants and strim lawn edges, etc, when the owners aren't here.  It's such a lovely community to be a part of, it restores my faith in human nature, which has taken a knock lately.  It's a year today since we bought the van, truly the best investment we ever made.

I've actually started doing some drawing again today, for the first time in ages.  Whilst firmly in the grip of the depression, I'd not felt like drawing, cardmaking or indeed any craftwork.  A friend a few weeks ago suggested that my drawing had possibly been just a fad, which I have to say annoyed me a bit, especially since I'd made several cards for that friend and her husband.  The only reason I hadn't done any recently was that it just wasn't something I could focus on, too much concentration required when my mind wasn't in the right state for that.

As for the bathroom - it's ok, it wasn't as bad as I first thought.  In actual fact, the amount of water I spilt was probably only around a cupful, but because water goes everywhere, it seemed like loads.  The bath mat and my slippers were soaked, but I mopped up most of the water with a towel and husband finished the rest as I was crying too much to see.  The bathroom is directly opposite the van door, so with both doors and the windows open, it dried up in no time.  So no harm done, except to my very fragile mental state.

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments, you don't realise just how much they're appreciated and how much they help.