When it's bad, it's quite bad

 Most of the time husband is quite lucid - well, to me anyway because I understand him after all these years, although he does sometimes attract puzzled looks from others who are bemused by something he's said.  Occasionally though there's a day when he's not - yesterday was one of them.  He was chattering away most of the day, as he always does (he's almost never quiet), but several times I had to say "What?  Say that again, in a different way".  Or I just looked at him and thought "what on earth is he talking about?".  It was one of those days when it was almost as if he was talking a foreign language.  I know he was tired, as was I, more so than usual - a reaction from our flu jabs I think - so perhaps that's why he was much more confusing than normal.  Whatever the reason, it was certainly a difficult day.  

It wasn't just his speech either.  I was crippled with back pain yesterday, it was really bad, much worse than usual.  Once the dinner was cooked, I asked husband if he'd mind serving it up, he readily agreed.  10 minutes later, I got up and went into the kitchen to see how he was getting on - all he'd done was make the gravy (just gravy granules, so simply a matter of pouring boiling water on them).  He was just moving dishes around without any clear idea of what to put on the plates first, it was as if he couldn't work out what to do next.  So I took over.  A bit worrying, actually.  He seems alright this morning though....so far - well, other than the fact that he came downstairs in just his boxers and a t-shirt (his sleeping attire) and complained that he was cold.  "Well, put your dressing gown on" I told him...."Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that!". 😒

The temperature has certainly dropped quite dramatically, both overnight and during the day, we'll be putting the heating on very soon I expect, although we don't feel in need of it right now (husband's put his dressing gown on and now says he feels fine).

My fortnightly shopping, instead of going when we've run out of something, is now working out very well.  I'm making sure I get enough supplies to last us at least a fortnight, so it's rare for me to run out of anything, and if it happens, I can just make do until we go again.  It's definitely saving us money, which means more can go into the savings accounts.

The back is still painful, I sat down a lot yesterday as it was just too painful to move really, but today I'm going to try being on my feet and moving about as much as possible, along with some gentle stretches.  It'll get better soon, it always does.

More on sleep, aching arm and pinging tablets

 Thank you for all the comments and suggestions about sleeplessness, it all made very interesting reading.  However, I'm not sure I agree with the theories about the '2 sleeps', or about not using modern technology (mobile phones, internet, blue screen etc) to help with sleep.  

Re the '2 sleeps' of the Middle Ages - I don't have just one period of wakefulness between two distinct periods of sleep.....I have several waking periods, almost every night, always have.  As for not using phones or internet in the period before sleep - all I can say to that is that I've suffered with insomnia my entire life, and obviously there was no internet or mobile phones etc years ago, so it's not my use of them now that keeps me from falling asleep - I didn't have them years ago, but still didn't sleep.  And my Mum made sure we had a sensible wind-down routine each evening - bath, quiet reading, small cup of warm milk with honey.  Nope, still didn't work.  I think that family doctor of years ago was probably right - overactive imagination.  Although he clearly wasn't right about the 'growing out of it' part.

I've tried meditation apps on my phone - they're soothing yes, and I do drop off to sleep fairly quickly.  But then I usually do anyway....although there are nights when it takes me ages to get off to sleep.  My main problem has always been waking up several times during the night, and often being unable to get back to sleep quickly, if at all.  But the meditation apps don't seem to work as well during the night for getting me back off to sleep, for whatever reason.  My mind is always on the go, that's for sure, so it seems likely that's the root of the problem.  I know some people say, well put the light on and write down your worries, or list of things you need to do the next day.  Yep, tried that too.....as I said before, I've tried pretty much everything.  After all these years, I think it's just a case now of accepting the wakefulness, not worrying about it, quietly reading or going downstairs to make myself a cup of hot milk, and knowing I will eventually, even if it's a few nights later, get a half decent night's sleep.  I also know to be kind to myself and not expect to do too much (especially any computer work or banking) on the day following a very bad night.

We had our flu jabs first thing this morning.....last week following the Covid jabs, neither of us had any reaction to speak of, a mildly sore arm and that was it.  Today though, nearly 3 hours after the flu jab, my arm is beginning to feel quite achy, as if I'd been punched.  Hopefully it'll wear off soon, and if that's the extent of the side effects, then I don't mind at all.  

Once home, we had a coffee then sat at the table and did husband's tablet sorting into his daily medication box.  Not fun, but it has to be done, it saves the uncertainty of him missing out some dosages - and of him pinging the tablets all over the place, as he often did! (I'm the one who now gets them out of the packets).  It always worried me when he dropped the tablets - he wasn't very good at finding them and was prone to giving up.  The worry being not only that it was a med he might not then take, but because of the possibility of Betty finding them on the floor and her eating them.  Now that could be very dangerous.

I made a veggie & cheese tart yesterday, using a grated butternut squash, finely sliced shallots, a whole pack of crumbled Feta, a handful of grated Emmental, lots of sage, all bound together with 3 eggs beaten with some single cream, in a shortcrust pastry base.  Cut into 8 portions, we'll have 2 for lunch today and tomorrow and the other 4 slices I've frozen.  For dinner tonight husband's having bbq ribs and spicy rice, I'm having scampi, we'll have salad on the side.  Dinner tomorrow is roast chicken again for husband (his choice) and the usual roast and green veggies for me.

Sleeplessness

 Do you ever get so bone-wearingly tired that you literally cannot do anything, not even cry, even though you really feel like crying, because it would just take too much effort?  Well, last night was one of those nights. 

I've suffered with insomnia my entire life - my mother took me to the doctor when I was about 7 or 8 because she was worried about me lying awake half the night, she said I didn't even sleep for very long as a baby.  I don't recall if the doctor did any tests or anything, but I do remember him saying that I had an overactive imagination and I'd grow out of it!  Well, here I am well over 50 years later, and still waiting to grow out of it.  I don't get so wound up about not sleeping like I used to years ago when I was working - having to drag myself out of bed early each morning after a wakeful night knowing I had to go to work caused me so much stress.  Nowadays, I don't go out to work, of course, and whatever I have to do each day can usually be done at my own pace or put off to another day, except for appointments obviously.

But our bodies and minds still need a decent amount of sleep, and we do suffer if we don't get sufficient and good quality sleep.  I sometimes get to the point where my brain just feels at the point of shutdown, I cannot think straight at all.  I'm also extremely irritable when I'm really tired.  A few years back my GP referred me to an online sleep clinic, there were rules and tasks to follow and a sleep diary to fill out each day.  It basically involved making me go to bed and get up at a set time every day - around 2 hours later than I normally went, and getting up an hour or 2 earlier than usual.  I was told not to doze off in an armchair in the evening, or have a nap during the day, regardless of how tired I was.  Nor could I put the alarm on snooze and have a few extra minutes in the morning - I had to get up as soon as the alarm went off.  It was supposed to reset my sleep patterns.  I also had to fill out numerous questionnaires and time sheets, every day, giving full details of what times I woke up/went back to sleep in the night (which meant I had to note it down in the middle of the night, which just made me even more awake), what I did whilst awake, how I felt, how many times I got up for a wee, what tablets I'd taken, the times I ate meals and what I'd had to drink, especially in the evenings.  I lasted on the course for about a month before giving up - frankly, the short amount of hours I was actually in bed under their regime (which was only about 5 hours to begin with) was brutal, and I just didn't have the time (or the inclination) to fill out all those forms and details every single day.

Now I just basically put up with the lack of sleep, in the knowledge that sooner or later I will have one or two fairly decent nights when I sleep through sheer exhaustion.  If I could be granted one wish by a fairy godmother, other than wishing for humankind to stop all the absolutely awful mindless brutality that's currently going on in Israel etc, then I would wish for just one night a week where I slept soundly literally all night long.  That would be absolute bliss.

I think I've tried everything imaginable to try and sleep.  Now I just accept it - it is what it is.

A good day

 Yesterday was a pretty good day - now that's something you don't often read on my blog!  We spent the morning in Minehead - somewhere we don't go during school holidays, as there's a big holiday camp there and it's overrun with tourists during holiday season.  We just browsed in the shops, stopping to have a coffee halfway through.  I did buy 2 very nice jumpers though.  Husband was clearly having a good day, he was fairly on the ball and I didn't have to keep repeating things, which was nice.  He did have a bit of a lapse when we got home though - we'd popped into the Co-op to get kitchen roll, as we'd run out, and husband saw a pack of 2 cooked chicken thighs that had been reduced.  He said he'd have those with a couple of wholemeal rolls for his lunch (I had cheese, some cucumber slices and an apple).  However, when we got home he put the chicken away in the fridge and promptly got out an unopened pack of ham and some sliced bread to make himself a ham sandwich.  "Erm, I thought you were having chicken rolls?" I asked him.  "Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that"!! - despite having literally just put the chicken away.  Sometimes he cannot keep a thought in his head for even seconds.

There were 2 nice bungalows on the housing list this week, either of which we'd be happy to have as they are both in areas we'd be happy to live.  I've put in bids for both, but so have loads of other people so I doubt we'll get them.  Still, we live in hope.

The garage checked over the car and said there's nothing wrong with it.....I wasn't aware of there being any kind of problem anyway, but husband was being his usual nitpicking obsessive self.  The trouble is, he really wants a 'perfect' car, which with the type of older second-hand cars we buy, he's never going to get.  So long as it works alright, doesn't give us trouble or cost us loads of money, I don't really care.  The mechanic did tell husband he'll need to get 2 new front tyres before the next MOT is due, which isn't until next summer anyway, so that's nothing to worry about.

We found out yesterday that my uncle, who'd been in hospital more or less at death's door for the past few weeks, has rallied round and recovered sufficiently to be sent home - miracle!  He's already survived a massive heart attack a few years ago and has Parkinsons, but he's continuing to surprise everyone.  He's clearly not ready to go yet!

Although I've lost the 3 or 4 lbs I'd put back on a few weeks ago, my weight loss has, annoyingly, stalled since then and I've not lost any more.  I put it down to the fact that I've been eating more carbs recently - potatoes twice this week, pasta yesterday and bread a few times.  So I'm going very low carb again to kickstart the weight loss back up....losing a stone so far is very nice, but I'm not done losing weight yet.  Another 2 stones would be my aim.

Thank you for the lovely and very supportive comments, I appreciate them so much.  Sometimes I just really miss having my sister and my best friend to talk to, face to face.

Sorry

 I know my blog isn't to everyone's taste....it's not all dreamy country living in a cottage with roses round the door (even though we do have roses round the door!), baking bread, sewing (I loathe sewing of any kind) and crocheting, sitting outside shelling peas and listening to the birds sing.  My life - as with most people's lives if truth be told - isn't all lovely, it's bloody hard, extremely stressful and anxiety inducing a lot of the time.  And yes I do post a lot of negative stuff and it can come across as complaining a lot of the time.  

We can't all be upbeat, happy, shrugging off the negative stuff all the time - for those who are, well, good for you.  Unfortunately, I'm not like that.  I have a friend who's always positive and turns everything into a joke, he can find humour in absolutely any situation, whereas my sense of humour deserts me entirely in stressful situations.  But that friend comes across as ruthless and uncaring.

All of our family, both mine and husband's, live far away from here, so we only rarely see them.  Especially now that husband is unable to drive long distances.  We do keep in contact by phone (our internet here is so slow and weak that video calls are pretty much out of the question), but it's not the same as actually seeing and talking to people face to face - you can't hug someone over the phone.  Several people I was close to have died in the past 2 or 3 years - mostly before they had a chance to get old.  Some of our friends have quietly withdrawn from us over the past few months, it seems the more problems we've had, the less they've been in contact.  That's fair enough, I know not everybody can cope with difficult situations or, especially, depression and anxiety.  As a matter of fact, I sometimes feel that I can't cope - but I don't have the option of withdrawing from the situation, I HAVE to cope whether I want to or not.

So since I no longer have a close confidante anymore - husband or nearby friend - I post the negative stuff or whatever's worrying me on here, my blog.  (Well, most of it....there are things I don't post and never will, it's a public blog after all and I'm not airing all of my dirty linen in public.)  It gets it all off my chest and out of my head - if I didn't let it out, I'd go stark raving mad.

So I'm sorry if my seemingly constant whingeing annoys people - I didn't choose to have problems, especially ongoing ones, and we all cope with things in different ways, we're not all clones of my above-mentioned friend with his lovely life and laughing outlook on everything.

Husband's latest obsession

 Another week gone by, it'll soon be time for the clocks to go back.  At least that means another hour in bed, although I hate the darker even earlier evenings.  However, it then doesn't seem long until the Winter Solstice on 21 December, when the days start getting a bit longer, albeit only by a couple of minutes a day.  As for Christmas, I'm not even thinking about it.  Whether or not I'll make (or even send) Christmas cards this year I really don't know, at the moment I don't feel much like doing it.  I've hardly made any cards this year actually - I have made the odd few, just one at a time when I need one for a family or friend occasion, but haven't had any sessions where I've sat and made several.  I did fill a bag with excess craft supplies back in the summer and gave it to the 12 y.o. girl next door, she made me a thank you card in return, using what I'd given her.

Tip run today, getting rid of some old clothes and shoes that wouldn't be any good for passing on to a charity shop.  A couple of old dog mattresses too, and some other rubbish (of husband's) that has accumulated in the utility room, he always seems to dump stuff in there....until I get fed up with tripping over it or moving his junk away from my food boxes or laundry supplies.  We'll be going to the cancer charity shop too, to offload another bagful of clothes and a load of books, and I'll choose another pile of books.  Yes Heather (I didn't realise you lived this way) their books are a bargain, 2 books for £1 is absolutely dirt cheap and since I give the books back to them to re-sell once I've finished them, I support them twice.  My neighbour who I generally exchange books with (she also buys them 2nd hand) isn't doing much reading lately, she's doing a lot of painting instead (she's an extremely talented artist who paints pet pictures and has a lot of commissions, she's done a couple for us).

Husband's latest 'obsession' is with his bank account - he never really used to bother much about it before, he left all financial stuff to me.....now it's like he's turned into an accountant, and a miserly one at that.  We each have our own bank account, plus a joint one - husband's private pensions and Attendance Allowance go into his and all the car bills (road tax, insurance etc) come out of it.  My Carers Allowance goes into my account.  Husband's state pension and my private pension go into our joint account, which all our household bills and direct debits come out of.  I also have 3 savings accounts, each for a different purpose, which I transfer money into regularly.  Just lately husband has taken to questioning me about what I spend, and is fixated on who pays for what - e.g. every time we have to take Betty to the vets for her regular ear treatment, or flea and worming tablets, he wants to know whether he's paying or I am, and is quick to point out when it's 'my turn' to pay as he paid last time.  He quibbles about every payment in shops etc - especially if it's something I'm buying - do I really need it, could I have got it cheaper elsewhere?  He's also taken to going on and on about who will pay for what when we (finally) move house, and obsesses about whether we've got enough money to pay the expected one month's rent in advance, and the removal costs.  Each time he does this, I get up all our accounts online and show him what's in each account, including the savings account I have that's purely for removal costs.  It satisfies him temporarily, but then a few days later he's off on his obsessive money counting thing again.  Drives me nuts - well, it's the constant repetition because he just doesn't remember that's the annoying thing.  I just have to keep telling myself that he can't help it......

Despite his money counting, he's now decided he wants some new clothes - fine by me, he's got the money and it will make a change for him to actually buy clothes - up till recently he's never been interested in buying himself clothes, it was always me who told him he needed new stuff (and usually had to buy them for him).  The next thing will be persuading him to actually wear them, rather than sticking to his usual scruffy old things.  For years now I've been telling him, when we're going out, to please change into something more suitable as I don't want to go out with him looking like a scarecrow!

A month's worth of cheese

 The cheese and cold meats man at the farmers market was his usual cheery self, he loves banter with the customers.  I got a huge 2 1/2 kg block of mature farmhouse Cheddar for £15, plus 3 packs of wrapped cheeses from a selection, £5 for any 3, I chose Cheddar with mango & ginger, Stilton with cranberries and a large piece of Jarlsberg.  I cut the big Cheddar block into several smaller pieces, grating about half of them into 3 bags, one in the fridge and froze two.  One block for slicing went in the fridge, another 3 blocks in the freezer.  This, along with the 3 other cheeses, will keep us going for a few weeks.  I do love cheese and eat a lot of it, more so now I don't eat meat.

We also got some fruit and veg, at much cheaper prices than the supermarkets.  I have to say you do have to pick and choose carefully though (it's all laid out on trestle tables for you to pick your own) as some of it isn't the best quality.  I was more than happy with what we got, including a 5kg brown sack of locally grown potatoes for just £3.  We used to buy potatoes in 25kg sacks a few years ago, but we don't eat potatoes that often now so it's not worth buying that amount.  Fruit and veg keeps well in our unheated utility room.

We've got a few things on this coming week - husband's taking the car to the local garage for some minor problem on Tuesday (not worth taking it back to the seller garage under warranty, our local garage is nearer and husband knows them well).  It's nothing drastic or expensive, he's just a bit fussy about things.  We need to do a tip run one day, I've been doing some more sorting and have some things to get rid of.  I also need to take a load of books back to the cancer charity shop and pick up some more.  I want to do some more batch cooking and freezing....I definitely want 1 or 2 days each week where I don't have to cook and just pull something readymade out of the freezer.  I also want to do some crocheting, a few baby blankets ready for gifting, we know a few pregnant ladies.  Oh, and we've got our flu jabs at the end of the week too.  I'm pleased to say we've had next to no reaction to our covid jabs, I had a mildly sore arm when I got up yesterday, same as husband, but that was all.

I've got an upset stomach at the moment, it's been a bit of a stressful week.  Well, every week is stressful now, some more than others.  Never mind, a couple of days of very plain eating should sort it out.  Oddly enough Betty must have had a poorly tummy too in the early hours of this morning, she was sick on the landing.  I must have been well away in the land of nod, I didn't hear her....husband did and cleared it up, bless him.  She's still fast asleep (and having a woofy dream) in her cage bed right now, I'm sure she's fine.