Sleeplessness

 Do you ever get so bone-wearingly tired that you literally cannot do anything, not even cry, even though you really feel like crying, because it would just take too much effort?  Well, last night was one of those nights. 

I've suffered with insomnia my entire life - my mother took me to the doctor when I was about 7 or 8 because she was worried about me lying awake half the night, she said I didn't even sleep for very long as a baby.  I don't recall if the doctor did any tests or anything, but I do remember him saying that I had an overactive imagination and I'd grow out of it!  Well, here I am well over 50 years later, and still waiting to grow out of it.  I don't get so wound up about not sleeping like I used to years ago when I was working - having to drag myself out of bed early each morning after a wakeful night knowing I had to go to work caused me so much stress.  Nowadays, I don't go out to work, of course, and whatever I have to do each day can usually be done at my own pace or put off to another day, except for appointments obviously.

But our bodies and minds still need a decent amount of sleep, and we do suffer if we don't get sufficient and good quality sleep.  I sometimes get to the point where my brain just feels at the point of shutdown, I cannot think straight at all.  I'm also extremely irritable when I'm really tired.  A few years back my GP referred me to an online sleep clinic, there were rules and tasks to follow and a sleep diary to fill out each day.  It basically involved making me go to bed and get up at a set time every day - around 2 hours later than I normally went, and getting up an hour or 2 earlier than usual.  I was told not to doze off in an armchair in the evening, or have a nap during the day, regardless of how tired I was.  Nor could I put the alarm on snooze and have a few extra minutes in the morning - I had to get up as soon as the alarm went off.  It was supposed to reset my sleep patterns.  I also had to fill out numerous questionnaires and time sheets, every day, giving full details of what times I woke up/went back to sleep in the night (which meant I had to note it down in the middle of the night, which just made me even more awake), what I did whilst awake, how I felt, how many times I got up for a wee, what tablets I'd taken, the times I ate meals and what I'd had to drink, especially in the evenings.  I lasted on the course for about a month before giving up - frankly, the short amount of hours I was actually in bed under their regime (which was only about 5 hours to begin with) was brutal, and I just didn't have the time (or the inclination) to fill out all those forms and details every single day.

Now I just basically put up with the lack of sleep, in the knowledge that sooner or later I will have one or two fairly decent nights when I sleep through sheer exhaustion.  If I could be granted one wish by a fairy godmother, other than wishing for humankind to stop all the absolutely awful mindless brutality that's currently going on in Israel etc, then I would wish for just one night a week where I slept soundly literally all night long.  That would be absolute bliss.

I think I've tried everything imaginable to try and sleep.  Now I just accept it - it is what it is.