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Saturday, 5 November 2022

Friends

 There are a few things that are really getting me down at the moment.  

I don't have a lot of friends - plenty of aquaintances and neighbours, but few close friends.  One of my closest friends, who I've known for many years, lives on the other side of the country, around 250 miles away.  We are on the same wavelength, understand each other completely, and have similar lifestyles.  She often says she wishes we lived closer to each other, as we'd meet up more often - as things stand, we only see them 2 or 3 times a year.  We chat via the internet or text every week, but it's not the same as meeting up in person.  Her OH and mine are also good friends, having similar backgrounds and interests.  We've never had a cross word and I'm sure we never will.

I have another close friend, who I regard as my best friend, again who I've known for a very long time, they live 5 minutes drive away.  Our spouses get on well, we've been on holiday with them several times, gone out for meals etc, stayed overnight at their house, have spent Christmas day with them a lot of times.  However, we do have a very volatile relationship - we both have strong opinions and do argue a lot (unlike with my other friend), although it generally blows over fairly quickly.  This is the friend who let me down badly 3 weeks ago, they know they've hurt me a lot, but for whatever reason are choosing to ignore it - they brushed it off at the time and haven't referred to it since, despite knowing how upset I am.  Our previous fallings out have been fixable - sadly, very sadly, I don't think this is.

My childhood experiences have certainly shaped me and made me the way I am - my father buggered off with another woman when I was 13, leaving my mother in pieces, having a nervous breakdown and being unable to function properly for a year, dosed up to the eyeballs as she was on tranquillisers and sleeping pills.  As I was the oldest of 4 children, my siblings aged 11, 8 and just 18 months, I had to grow up overnight and become the parent, looking after my siblings, the home and my mother - Social Services help was thin on the ground back then and so I had no help, muddling through as best I could.  I missed a lot of school.  Without going into details, I was also being sexually abused at the time, which went on for about a year, which obviously nobody else knew about.  All this means I have always had difficulty trusting people and making close friends, and have learnt to be self sufficient.  Hence why the badly broken situation with my best friend has hurt me so much, particularly when they know about the situation with my home life and family.

My birthday is tomorrow.  Husband has absolutely no imagination and finds it difficult to know what to get me, even after 40+ years, and even after I've guided him towards things.  In recent years I have just got something myself and he has paid for it.  This year I just feel there's nothing really I need or want, so haven't bought anything.  Yesterday husband was in town, having brunch with his best mate and then doing a bit of shopping (going off on a tangent, I'd asked him to get a pack of vine tomatoes.....the pack of 5 he bought looked like they'd been sat on, it had 3 squashed and split ones, which he never noticed!).  During the afternoon at home he casually mentioned that I hadn't told him what I want for my birthday, so he hadn't got me anything.  He hadn't made any plans to take me anywhere either - not even for a meal, his meal out with his mate, which is a regular occurrence, clearly not even jogging his memory.  I've said I would like to go out for Sunday lunch.....simply because it means one meal I don't have to cook!

I guess I'm just feeling very sorry for myself right now, very alone and like nobody cares.  I know you lot care, and I'm grateful for that, truly I am.  It would however be so nice to have someone in my real life who actually shows some care for me.

21 comments:

  1. Happy birthday tomorrow..
    Maybe a quick meal out…sad growing up…tragic actually..as to the friend, sometimes walk away…yes we care…

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  2. My birthday is Monday and my hubby has no idea what to get me, but neither do I, I have nothing I need or want. Happy birthday for tomorrow, make it a day out and enjoy maybe a walk around a nice garden centre.

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  3. I would walk away from your ‘friend’, sometimes you have to let people go, especially those that cause such hurt. I understand about the birthday, I would go online and buy myself some nice yarn as that would be a treat for me. I hope you get to have lunch out tomorrow, no cooking is a real bonus. Yes we care and yes you are worth caring about. Happy birthday.

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  4. I can't imagine your pain, but you have my sincere best wishes. I'm sorry for what happens in your childhood and that people still let you down. Celebrate yourself and yes, make sure you're taken out to a meal if your choosing.

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  5. I am a recent subscriber to your blog. If you would like to contact me via my blog contact email, I would love to send you a small handmade something as a surprise gift. Everyone needs something on their birthday! No pressure - I'll leave it up to you.
    Best wishes
    Ellie

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  6. Same here regarding friends. We moved so much as children so no decent friendships formed.

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  7. As others have said, let your friend go. If they know they've upset you and know your history and still haven't reached out, they aren't worth your time. Sad but true. As for your birthday, buy yourself something nice, that'll make you feel good, and insist he takes you out for a lovely meal wherever YOU want. And yes, we do care - a lot. If I lived nearby, I'd take you out for lunch myself. xx

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  8. Sooze, please tell your hubby that you are feeling very sad and that you would really appreciate him taking you out for a birthday meal tomorrow at (wherever you fancy). Make sure you can give him the phone number so that he can book a table!

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  9. I think it's time to take control with that man of yours. Tell him on the morning of your birthday that you want to go to ... xxxx - a place of your choosing ... and tell him he's paying.

    As for the friends thing, I have only ever had one close adult friend, we met when I was 15 and she was 16 and knew each other inside out within weeks. Years later although our husbands at the time hated each other no matter where we lived we met up 2 or 3 times a year and put the world to rights. She died suddenly the year I met Alan and I was bereft. I decided then and there that no-one would take her place, and anyone else has been an acquaintance or a blogging buddy that I have met in person. Her death made me totally self-reliant and able to step back from anyone that says or does the wrong thing to me.

    I strongly believe that sometimes people are in our lives for fixed lengths of time and perhaps the time has come for you and your friend to part ways. If she's hurt you this much, she's not much of a friend really is she.

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  10. I too understand your hurt with your friend. I have had to let go of several friends that hurt me many times and at first I felt awful about it but when they didn't contact me I realised that they weren't there for me and as time went on I felt that I had done the right thing although it was hard at the time as I really felt they were my friends. Some people don't know how to be a friend as much as you do. I hope you have a good birthday and that you can tell your husband how you have been feeling lately and that he will at least take you out somewhere nice. I also go through this birthday thing with my husband and sometimes we just have to take charge and organise them. Some of my friends have the same with their husbands and one friend has told me that her doctor said that men lose some brain cells as they age and can't always think for themselves (must be a male doctor I think)! I sometimes feel like a mother as well as a wife. I am glad we are able to have blogging friends to help through the difficult days. Wishing you all the best from Australia.

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  11. Happy Birthday Sooze, Just tell your husband you want to go out for a meal. most men hav no thought for others, but you always have a friend with you in Betty, she will give you hugs and cuddles and your blog friends do. Love from Val and Poppyxx

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  12. Happy happy birthday friend…happy day…happy day….

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  13. Dear, dear Sooze. My heart goes out to you and I wish you a lovely day on the 6th. xxx

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  14. I hope you were able to have a lovely birthday in spite of everything that you've got going on.
    😍

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  15. Happy Birthday dear Sooze. I wish that I lived near you as I think we could be great friends.

    God bless.

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  16. Belated Happy birthday, Sooze, I do hope you had a good day in the end. Men are notorious for not bothering with birthdays, aren't they. It was my 73rd birthday on Nov 1st and I haven't had a birthday present from G for many, many years. He says he doesn't know what to buy so we went for a pub lunch and he paid.
    Your 'friend' doesn't seem worth the effort, I suggest you step back and move on if she's upsetting you to that extent. We love you, my dear xxx

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  17. Birthdays are so overrated anyway! So are husbands and friends! You are a fantastic human being. You are just amazing to survive what you have been through. If this birthday was rubbish, then declare you will celebrate it on another day - like the Queen.

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