Friends

 There are a few things that are really getting me down at the moment.  

I don't have a lot of friends - plenty of aquaintances and neighbours, but few close friends.  One of my closest friends, who I've known for many years, lives on the other side of the country, around 250 miles away.  We are on the same wavelength, understand each other completely, and have similar lifestyles.  She often says she wishes we lived closer to each other, as we'd meet up more often - as things stand, we only see them 2 or 3 times a year.  We chat via the internet or text every week, but it's not the same as meeting up in person.  Her OH and mine are also good friends, having similar backgrounds and interests.  We've never had a cross word and I'm sure we never will.

I have another close friend, who I regard as my best friend, again who I've known for a very long time, they live 5 minutes drive away.  Our spouses get on well, we've been on holiday with them several times, gone out for meals etc, stayed overnight at their house, have spent Christmas day with them a lot of times.  However, we do have a very volatile relationship - we both have strong opinions and do argue a lot (unlike with my other friend), although it generally blows over fairly quickly.  This is the friend who let me down badly 3 weeks ago, they know they've hurt me a lot, but for whatever reason are choosing to ignore it - they brushed it off at the time and haven't referred to it since, despite knowing how upset I am.  Our previous fallings out have been fixable - sadly, very sadly, I don't think this is.

My childhood experiences have certainly shaped me and made me the way I am - my father buggered off with another woman when I was 13, leaving my mother in pieces, having a nervous breakdown and being unable to function properly for a year, dosed up to the eyeballs as she was on tranquillisers and sleeping pills.  As I was the oldest of 4 children, my siblings aged 11, 8 and just 18 months, I had to grow up overnight and become the parent, looking after my siblings, the home and my mother - Social Services help was thin on the ground back then and so I had no help, muddling through as best I could.  I missed a lot of school.  Without going into details, I was also being sexually abused at the time, which went on for about a year, which obviously nobody else knew about.  All this means I have always had difficulty trusting people and making close friends, and have learnt to be self sufficient.  Hence why the badly broken situation with my best friend has hurt me so much, particularly when they know about the situation with my home life and family.

My birthday is tomorrow.  Husband has absolutely no imagination and finds it difficult to know what to get me, even after 40+ years, and even after I've guided him towards things.  In recent years I have just got something myself and he has paid for it.  This year I just feel there's nothing really I need or want, so haven't bought anything.  Yesterday husband was in town, having brunch with his best mate and then doing a bit of shopping (going off on a tangent, I'd asked him to get a pack of vine tomatoes.....the pack of 5 he bought looked like they'd been sat on, it had 3 squashed and split ones, which he never noticed!).  During the afternoon at home he casually mentioned that I hadn't told him what I want for my birthday, so he hadn't got me anything.  He hadn't made any plans to take me anywhere either - not even for a meal, his meal out with his mate, which is a regular occurrence, clearly not even jogging his memory.  I've said I would like to go out for Sunday lunch.....simply because it means one meal I don't have to cook!

I guess I'm just feeling very sorry for myself right now, very alone and like nobody cares.  I know you lot care, and I'm grateful for that, truly I am.  It would however be so nice to have someone in my real life who actually shows some care for me.