On my own

 If there's one thing I've learnt over the past couple of weeks, it's that I'm on my own, I have to sort things out by myself, FOR myself.

Having said that, I want to thank you all for the lovely supportive comments, and messages offering me support - coming from people I've never even met.  They made me cry, you're so kind.

With the covid situation escalating, it's looking increasingly likely that my operation may be cancelled....well, postponed, whatever - I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not having it anytime soon.  Nothing I can do about that, I'll just have to carry on coping with the problems, unfortunately they've been getting worse lately.

At least christmas is over

 I spent most of Christmas eve and Christmas day in tears, I found it a lot harder this year than when Mum died last year.  Probably because it was just husband and I on our own at home.  My siblings, all of whom live a long way away, had their (adult) children with them in their own 3 household bubbles.  We couldn't see the friends we usually see at Christmas.  We didn't see any of them on screen.

This year of lockdowns, and all the problems we've had, has revealed cracks in our marriage that I've been papering over for years.  I have no idea what the future holds for us right now, I can't even begin to think about it.  I'm not going to be talking about it on here, what happens happens.  All I'm focusing on now is my bladder operation on 13 January...unless covid postpones it.  

I have to stop taking my CBD oil for 2 weeks prior to the op (orders of the pre op nurse), I actually stopped it 3 days ago just to see how I feel.  I've also stopped taking the codeine - I didn't like taking it anyway, I'm not one for taking painkillers on a regular basis as I think your body just gets used to them.  And the constipation side effects meant I was having to take other medication to combat that, which I didn't like doing either.  So I'm in pain and not sleeping very well at all.  Well, it's only pain, and at least the pain helps take my mind off other things.

Wouldn't it be nice to just close my eyes and wake up in March next year.  I hate winter.

Temporary shut down

 I'm closing the blog until after Christmas, possibly until new year, will see how I feel.

This is a bad time of year for me, as you know....well, even worse this year with the covid situation meaning we can't go anywhere or see our loved ones, of course it's the same for everyone.

My siblings and I have decided we'll try and post only funny memories of mum (there are loads, especially unintentionally funny ones, mum was a bit of a character) on our family WhatsApp group today and tomorrow.  

The rumours of another national lockdown, possibly starting on Boxing day, are depressing me....I know it's probably necessary to try and contain this new variant.  But on a personal level, I'm just worried it'll postpone my operation yet again.

Thank you to everyone for reading, commenting and supporting me over the past year.  I hope you all have the best Christmas you can under the circumstances, and here's to a better new year for all of us, with an effective vaccine for those who want it - I do.  Love and best wishes to you all xxx

Funny time for a diet

 With my recent depression, and knowing my bladder op had been put off for 6 months, I'd more or less given up with my diet.  Now that it's been set for 13 January, I need to get losing weight again....I knew I'd put some back on, I thought probably about half a stone.  So it was with some trepidation I got on the scales this morning....4lbs on, so not as bad as I thought.  So now I'm back on the diet properly....Will be a test of my willpower as I'd bought crisps, nuts and chocolates for Christmas, and made loads of mince pies and sausage rolls.  The crisps etc are all put away out of sight in the utility room, the sausage rolls and mince pies I'd frozen when I made them...I'm not really a fan of mince pies anyway, I'd made them for husband and visitors (who we won't be seeing now in any case), but I do like sausage rolls.

I'll relax the diet a bit for Christmas day, I may even have a couple of G & Ts, but will be straight back on it on boxing day.  This operation is important to me and I need to lose whatever weight I can.  I've lost the 10% of body weight (slightly more than that actually) that my consultant suggested, but whatever extra I can lose will be good.

So give me a kick up the backside on boxing day to get me going again please...in case my motivation has buggered off!  (M, that means you, help me out 😉).

Well here's a turn up for the books

 Some good news, for a change, and entirely unexpected.

As I've said before, I have a bladder problem caused by diabetic damage to nerve endings in my bladder (who knew such a thing was even a 'thing'?  I didn't).  I was supposed to have an operation to fix it in early November, but had to postpone it until mid December because of husband's foot operation - I wouldn't have been able to look after him and walk the dog, as my consultant said I will be incapacitated myself for a week or 2 afterwards.  Then a couple of weeks later, I had a letter from the hospital saying they were having to postpone all non-urgent operations, including mine, for around 6 months due to the covid situation.

Now, I know my problem is neither life threatening nor urgent - but it does have a significant daily detrimental effect on my life, physically and emotionally.  The news that I would have to put up with the problems for another 6 months or so I found very hard to cope with.  Well, on Saturday when we came back from dog walking, there was a message on the answerphone for me to ring the hospital admissions office today.  I did and the upshot is I'm going in for my op on 13 January...covid permitting, of course.  I have to observe strict social distancing, hand washing etc (I always do anyway) from the 30 December, have a covid test on 10 January and self isolate from then until I go in for the op.  To say I'm pleased is an understatement.

And I've just had a 25 minute phone assessment with the orthopaedic team re my hip, during which I had to answer a lot of questions and do a lot of precise movements, reporting back to the therapist on the range of movement and pain.  It's very weird doing exercises by yourself in a phone call in your dining room!  She confirmed the greater trochanteric pain syndrome diagnosis and is referring me for physiotherapy, which could take several weeks to get the first appointment.  More waiting....oh well, I've had the hip pain for 2 years and put up with it, another few weeks won't make much difference.  At least possible relief is on the cards in due course.  If the physio doesn't work sufficiently, then they'll give me a steroid injection.  Although she said it carries a risk of compromising my immune system (which is somewhat compromised anyway due to my diabetes and liver problems), so is something to think about.  If the physio doesn't work then I will have the injection, 2 years of pain is more than enough.

Keeping busy to stay sane

 Once again I'm very grateful for all your comments, they really do help, thank you.

I've kept myself occupied the last few days...reorganising the big freezer (how it gets so muddled up I don't know - well, I do, and it's not me!).  I did a week's menu plan using up things in the freezer to free up space for all the extra milk etc I bought in this week's shop - I got enough shopping, along with what we've got already, to see us through well into January.  We do have a big organic veg box delivery due on Christmas eve, that should last us 2 weeks.  I've organised the food cupboards in the kitchen and the extra stores cupboards in the utility room.  

I've spent time every day in my craft room, making and writing Christmas cards and some gift tags, along with thank you cards for the friends and neighbours who helped us out, and a couple of birthday cards.  Betty comes in to lie on the spare bed watching me, it's nice to have her company.  I've enjoyed crafting, it's been stimulating and calming at the same time and kept me occupied.

I realised I'd completely run out of books to read, so asked a neighbour who's an avid reader and buyer of books if she could lend me some.  She sorted out a large carrier bag full and left them on her doorstep for me to collect, that should keep me going for a while.  One of them is the supervet Noel Fitzpatrick's autobiography, should be interesting.

I'm still wishing for this year to be over, and for us to have the covid vaccination as soon as possible.  I think only then will I start to feel like the anxiety and stress might ease up.

Closing the shutters

 Somebody on a blog yesterday (I think it may have been Mrs Tiggywinkle, apologies if not) said they'd shut down emotionally in order to cope with things.  I thought how coincidental, that's exactly what I've done.  Everything's got on top of me and I'm dealing with it by closing myself off, basically.

Husband's hospital appointment went well yesterday, no replacement plaster or bandage, he's free at last.  He has to go back in 8 weeks for the surgeon to have another look once the swelling has hopefully gone down a bit more, she'll then decide whether he's to have physio.  Seems he's had 6 metal pins put in his foot, he didn't know before...well I'm sure he would have been told, he just didn't take it in.

So she said he can now resume normal life (whatever 'normal' is in this Covid world) and drive again.  We had to go to a shoe shop yesterday to get him some new footwear...most of his current shoes he can't get on as his foot is still so swollen.  The retail park was so busy, even on a Monday, it was horrible and I couldn't wait to get home again away from all the crowds.  I have to do some shopping, I'm fast running out of things like toiletries and some store cupboard and freezer staples, so I'm planning to be at the store at 8 am when it opens this morning (it's 3 am now, I can't sleep as usual), to get it over with hopefully before the crowds appear.  And then I won't be going near a shop again until the new year.  I'm having a big organic veg box delivery and a meat order next week, I shall get plenty of milk, cheese and butter in the shop this morning, so we should then be stocked up for weeks.

Ironic that now husband can drive, everywhere is far too busy for me to want to go anywhere.  The only place I'd be happy to go is my beloved Dunster beach,  but it's forecast to rain for the next week or so, and husband's foot is too tender for him to comfortably walk much right now.  So that's out as well.

Christmas?  What Christmas?  For me it's a total non event this year.  The image of my Mum 10 minutes after she died last Christmas eve is weighing heavily on my mind at the moment, as is my lovely friend's funeral - it's on the 22nd and I won't be able to go.  I'd just like to hibernate and wake up in Spring.

Thank you for all your lovely comments, I do really appreciate the support.  I sometimes feel that any emotional stuff I tell friends and family falls on deaf ears.  So I won't be saying stuff like that to them anymore.  I'm just shutting down.