Nothing shown up

 Husband's bloods have come back as normal, and there's nothing worrying noted on the ECG - he hasn't seen the GP, he was told this on the phone.  There is clearly something going on though, to cause his chest pains and breathlessness, so he's got a face to face appointment with the GP the Monday after we come back from holiday.  I think he might well need a referral back to cardiology.

Yes we are going on holiday - he insists he wants to and feels up to it.  As we won't be doing anything much whilst away (the weather forecast is for showers the whole week), a week of rest shouldn't tax him.  Although being stuck in a static caravan with him having the TV on all the time might stretch my patience a bit - I'll have to take Betty out a lot!  I've checked and there's a hospital and 3 GP surgeries near where we're going, in case of emergencies.

I've been sort of preparing stuff for the hol all week, although haven't actually packed anything until now, so as not to tempt fate.  As I said before, I've cooked and frozen several meals to take with us, as I don't intend to be slaving over a hot stove whilst we're away.  I expect we'll eat out a few times, even if it's just fish and chips in the car overlooking the beach (we get a small piece of fish for Betty, she loves it, although we take most of the batter off).

There's nobody staying in the caravan this week, we are the first guests since self sufficient holiday lets were allowed to reopen, and the site owners have assured me they've given it a very vigorous and safe clean.  There's no-one else booked into the 2 other caravans either, so we'll have the place to ourselves, even better.  And the owners said we can arrive there anytime after 10.00 am, instead of the usual 3 pm, so it's like having an extra day....normally, if you can't get into a holiday place until 3 or 4, it means most of the day is wasted.

We have a house sitter taking care of the house whilst we're away, so no need to worry (not that there's any crime round here anyway, fortunately).  There's good WiFi and phone signal where we're going - makes a change, it's probably much better than we have here.

I'm glad we're going, I feel like I'm on my knees right now.

This is why....

 I've always hated sewing, probably because when we did Needlework at school (it was one of the compulsory classes for girls back then) I didn't much like the teacher, and the project I chose was ridiculously over-ambitious.  We all had to choose an item of clothing to make throughout the term - we could pick from a range of patterns and choose the material.  Most girls chose to make simple tops or A-line skirts with elasticated waists - I chose.....a pair of trousers.  With a zip.  What an idiot!  The teacher, who was a bit of a sarcastic madam, raised an eyebrow and said I'd find that hard....which just made me all the more determined to do it and prove her wrong.  Unfortunately, she was proved right, and took great delight in telling me so.  And I never did finish making those trousers.

When I first moved in with future husband, I made a point of telling him I didn't darn socks, or anything else for that matter.  His mother was a professional seamstress and he'd picked up enough knowledge from watching her work to do a bit of simple sewing himself, so used to darn his own socks.

The other day, I bought a lightweight summer cardigan, a black one, something I'd been looking for.  It's just what I want, I love it - but I don't love the buttons.  They're far too blingy for my liking, sparkly fake diamond things, but the main problem is they're far too heavy for the lightweight knit of the cardigan - they'll pull holes in it and fall off in no time.  But I like the cardi so much I thought, no matter, I've got a button tin, I'll just remove them and sew on new buttons from the tin.  Not that I'm in the habit of sewing on buttons.....I use them for crafts and cardmaking.

The first problem this morning when I sat down to do it - upon looking through the button tin, I found I didn't have 5 buttons the same 😒.  Oh well, I thought, I'll just use 5 completely different buttons for contrast - it's something different and makes the cardi unique to me - nobody else will have one the same!  Sorted.  Well, the next problem was trying to thread the needle - blimey, my eyesight has deteriorated more than I thought (I clearly do need to go to Specsavers again).  And then actually sewing on the buttons.....well, the thread kept going into knots for a start (cheap thread I suppose, think I bought a job lot of threads from a car boot sale years ago).  And I pricked my fingers numerous times.  And at one point I accidently got a loop of the thread caught around the previous button I'd just sewn on, and didn't notice until I'd sewn through the holes of the current button several times.

And this is why I don't do any sewing unless I absolutely have to.

Everything's up in the air

 Husband is getting chest pains regularly now - not severe ones, but enough to make him rub his chest.  They're eased by him using his GTN spray.....although I still frequently have to tell him to actually use it!  He doesn't like using it because it doesn't taste very nice (apparently), makes him a bit light headed and gives him a headache.....all side effects which wear off very quickly.  I just say to him 'well would you rather be dead?!' - yes I know, not very sympathetic, but effective as it makes him use the spray.  He's also still getting very breathless with the slightest exertion.  The last time he was like this, he had to go in hospital and have 3 stents fitted.  

He had an ECG and bloods taken yesterday, I told him to ask the nurse to ensure the GP rings us immediately if the ECG showed up anything worrying, as we're due to go on holiday.  He hasn't rung so far - husband will ring the surgery this afternoon to hopefully get results.....the ECG results can be noted as soon as the GP looks at it, the bloods generally take 1 day to come back from the lab.  I'm still not sure whether we will in fact be going away, it depends a) on the results, and b) how husband is feeling.  He says he wants to go, as do I, but we'll see.

Betty had to have a second lot of drops when she went back to the vet this week for her check up, the ear infection is being slow to clear this time, hopefully this second lot will do it.  She seems brighter and isn't shaking her head so much, and was keen to play early this morning (I'm not really in the mood for playing excitable games at 06.30, but did my best to oblige).

We had big plans for an exciting project that would give us something lovely for our future....it's in doubt now though because of husband's health.  Never say never though, I'm not giving up entirely, we'll just have to see what happens.  There's no doubt that there's something going on with husband's health, his heart failure worsening most likely, but hopefully it can be helped by either more stents, or an adjustment of his medication.  Or both.  

I'm stressed up to the eyeballs with it all, not sleeping, so forgetful i have to make lists every day of things i need to do.  I completely forgot about a pan of veg I was boiling yesterday, until husband noticed the smell - the pan had boiled dry and was burnt.  I didn't smell anything as my hayfever was really bad yesterday, I'd sneezed my head off all day and my nose was totally blocked.  I have a perpetual headache and keep getting palpitations - they're stress related, I haven't got heart problems (I was checked out a while ago).  I need to take a bit of time out for some slow breathing listening to a meditation app on my phone - i keep thinking i must do it and then something else crops up and i don't get round to it.  If we do get away on holiday, I'm doing nothing all week - I'll take art supplies with me (I've got some new art pens, coloured pencils and 'adult' type crayons) and some books and just relax.  I've bought husband a load of second hand DVDs so he'll be content watching all those.

Body image

 Angela from Tracing Rainbows has written a post that's prompted me to write something too - thanks Angela!  Her post is entitled 'You're Beautiful' and is about perceptions of beauty - how the world in general sees us (women) and how we see ourselves.

For many years I was a personal secretary to a building surveyor, we had clients come into the office so I had to be presentable all the time - that meant dressing smartly, having neat hair and nails and wearing makeup.  Which is so not me - even as a teenager, I was never particularly bothered about plastering on the makeup to go out, although I did always wear some (mascara and occasionally eyeshadow and blusher), as it was kind of expected, I felt like I was letting my girlfriends down if I didn't make an effort.

Once we moved down here to the country, that was it, I just stopped wearing makeup altogether.  Our neighbouring cows and sheep don't care what you look like, and it turns out people don't much either!  I have very occasionally been asked if I'm tired (usually because I am and it shows on my face!), but nobody's ever asked why I'm not wearing any eyeshadow or lipstick.  Do they even notice?  I guess some, mostly young, women would.  Men, by and large, wouldn't.  So presumably wearing makeup is something we ourselves feel obliged to do, mainly because the media, magazines, beauty editors, beauty counter assistants etc etc make us feel that it's our duty to present a good image, and that means a full face of slap.  Well, bollocks to that (sorry, that was my lovely Mum's favourite word and it makes me smile every time I use it 😁).  I'm not one for being told what to do, I make my own mind (and not my face!!) up.

The other thing that women are concerned about is our bodies.  All women, even supermodels, have bits of their bodies they don't like, we all look in the mirror at our bodies and see things we dislike, whereas others might not even notice.  But we know they're there, and again our fears and perceptions are fuelled by what society sees as a woman's ideal body - size 10, but with curves in all the right places.  But the curvy bits must be firm, but soft and rounded at the same time!  And the pressure on women to get back to an 'acceptable' size 3 weeks after having a baby is utterly ridiculous, made so much worse by all these minor celebs flaunting their flat stomachs in a bikini when they've only just had their baby a few weeks previously.  And what's with Liz Hurley?  She's always bombarding the papers with photos of her in her latest bikini - does she not actually own any clothes?  So she's getting on a bit (erm, somewhere in her 50s I think) - well bully for her, she's got pots of money and no real purpose in life so needs to do something to while away her time, I suppose.

But then if I had a figure like hers, maybe I'd want to show it off too.  My figure, however, is nowhere near hers, I'd make two of her.  My consultant last week said that I was 'carrying a little bit of weight' - very good of him a) to be so understated about it!, and b) to point out something I'm already very well aware of.  My body image tends to fluctuate - I'm under no illusions about all my wobbly bits (very wobbly in some areas) and I'm well practised at wearing things that disguise them quite well.  So most of the time I feel....well, not at ease with my body, I'm never that, but alright about it.  But when I'm feeling low, I hate my body.  And there's definitely more of my wobbly bits following a year of lockdown.  Funnily enough, I read something in the paper this morning about women's fears about their bodies when in bed with a man - we tend to be very self conscious about all our 'problem' areas - what WE see as problem areas, that is.  Whereas a man just thinks 'Wow, I'm in bed with a naked woman!!'.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in my usual long winded way, is that we really ought to stop feeling pressured to conform to society's ideal of what our bodies or our faces should look like, and just be ourselves.  Easier said than done though, when it's been ingrained in us for decades (well, centuries).

Being put on hold

 Thank you for the comments.  Husband's health has become a concern again, so we are definitely having to choose our battles and make compromises.  He's got some tests booked for next week, nothing much we can do until they're done and he gets the results.  Doesn't stop my mind going into overdrive though.

A couple of things we've talked about and definitely decided on - he's stopping doing odd jobs and gardening for neighbours.  He does too much and knocks himself out, I've told him time and again to pace himself, rest and don't overdo things, it falls on deaf ears.  Well now he's not doing any of it, he has realised he just can't anymore - well, not for a while anyway.  He's had a word with the neighbours he was helping and they understand.  To be honest, they can all easily afford to get paid handymen and gardeners in anyway.

I've also said he doesn't need to grow much in the way of veg in our garden, that's also too much for him to cope with when his health isn't good.  We can get a few little veg plants from garden centres in due course, and I'll help him put them in and look after them.  He was laying more paving in the front garden, I've told him that doesn't matter, he doesn't need to do it.  However, if he feels up to it, he could perhaps lay one slab at a time, there's no rush.

I don't want him to just sit around doing nothing except dozing in front of the TV all the time.....with his heart condition he's been told he should try and be as active as he can comfortably manage, so that's what I'll encourage him to do.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep stressful stuff away from him and deal with it myself.

Who cares for the carers though?  I don't begrudge looking after him and taking on the bulk of the day to day things, of course I don't, that's what marriage is all about.  But it does seem like carers are expected to just keep ploughing on.  It's a good job we love each other 😁

Making compromises

 Back in January I rang the dentist, as I had a wobbly tooth which was giving me a bit of pain.  I was told that it wasn't classed as an emergency, and therefore I'd have to go on a waiting list.  If it dropped out, or the pain became unbearable, then I should phone back, but in the meantime take painkillers and use salt water as a mouth rinse.  Well, thankfully the tooth is still there, and hasn't been giving me too much trouble.....the dentists rang today, finally, offering me an appointment just before our holiday.  I declined though - I don't want a sore mouth when I'm just about to go on holiday (just like Joy!).  So the appointment has been made for the week after we get back.

I'd had to get in touch yet again with the company who sent our rattan garden furniture, about the glass table top which arrived smashed to bits - I'd tried emailing and sending FB messages several times, and had been told several different things.  E.g., they had no spare tops at all, they had some on order but they would take about 12 weeks to arrive, they couldn't get hold of any so we could get quotes from a local glazier to provide a replacement top and they would bear the cost.  However, when given the quotes they then said they'd have another look in their warehouse!  Heard nothing for several days, sent a strongly worded email and FB message, got reply within a few minutes saying a manager was on the case.  Then another email late in the day saying they'd found one and were despatching it via courier!  Amazingly, it actually arrived the next day.  However.....it's not the correct size, it's clearly been taken from a different furniture set as it's slightly too small.  I ummed and ahhed about getting in touch with the company yet again, before deciding that it actually doesn't really matter.  With all the other stresses going on, I'm choosing to pick my battles and this isn't one I'm really bothered enough about.

We're making compromises about the garden as well, but I'll come to that another time.

As expected

 Clothes shopping with husband this morning was as I expected....nightmare.  He just doesn't want to look at anything, doesn't like anything, exclaims at the price.  I ended up picking out 3 or 4 items and saying "Right, you can have these!".  He did choose a pair of shorts by himself....well, I say by himself, I gave him a choice of 2 pairs, he picked one.  He did make an effort this morning before going out, and actually looked remarkably tidy, wearing a decent pair of shorts and one of the new tops he ordered online 3 or 4 weeks ago.  So that ordeal is over, for both of us, for a while!

Betty's got her usual ear infection back again, so it was back to the vet for her this afternoon.  The normal ear drops, and another trip next week for a check to ensure they've worked, they do work well, thankfully.  I thought she was probably getting the infection again, as she was shaking her head quite a bit at the weekend....the groomer confirmed yesterday that it looked like it was just starting in her left ear, so we caught it early, luckily we got a vet appointment quickly.  Poor thing, she has small ears with a lot of hair inside and a narrow ear canal, so not enough air flow to them - so the vet says.  Just one of those things.  She's having some poached fresh chicken for her tea tonight, as a treat - she hates going to the vets.

I must do a freezer inventory and tidy up tomorrow - I do try to keep things in their separate drawers - veg in one drawer, meat in another, and so on - but they end up getting mixed up (usually not by me!).  I also need to meal plan and do a shopping list, and have some banking to sort out as well.  Hopefully, husband will be outside and not under my feet.  

Looks like we've got warm sunny weather forecast right up until the middle of next week - what a treat.  Although the garden could do with some rain, we've not really had any for a while.  Might think about having a day out somewhere to take advantage of the weather, now that the kids have gone back to school and more people are back at work.