I've debated whether or not to post this entry, as it's quite a personal one, and is something that upset me a lot.
I'd bought a dress a couple of months ago, specifically for the wedding. As I've mentioned before, I don't wear dresses - I didn't even possess one and haven't done for years and years. I almost never wear skirts either, I only have 2 skirts, which I keep for weddings and funerals! I live in jeans, jeggings, leggings and capri pants all the time and have done ever since I stopped working in an office environment about 10 or 11 years ago. I'm definitely a casual dresser, even more so now that we live in the country and I haven't been out to work since 2010.
So, this dress.....a very nice wrapover style, just below knee length, ruffled edges, in pale bluey green with large flowers on it. It fits me very well, I do like it a lot, although feel quite uncomfortable in it, purely because I just don't wear dresses or dress up! Going out wear for me is a smart pair of black jeans with a nice top and smartish cardi, and some jewellery or a scarf, normally.
So anyway, we got dressed on the morning of the wedding, husband in a smart pair of navy trousers, white shirt, mid blue jacket, and a matching navy flowered tie and handkerchief for his top pocket, he also wore a grey V-necked jumper as he feels the cold nowadays because of his heart failure. I put on my dress, new lovely white short cardi with ruffled sleeves and hem, new white sandals and white lace clutch bag. 'What do you think?' I asked husband.....he gave me a quick glance and replied 'It'd look nice if you lost a few pounds'. And just like that, my confidence and self esteem hit the floor and I felt tears welling up. 'Thanks a lot' I muttered and he, belatedly realising he'd put his foot in it, said sorry and what he meant was....I told him to shut up before he dug a deeper hole.
I had to go upstairs and shut myself in the bathroom for a few minutes. I thought well if I let this get to me, it's going to ruin the whole day for me, a day I've been looking forward to for months. So I pulled myself together, put it out of my mind and got on with the day.
But I've been thinking about it ever since, and it really has upset me. It's not the first time husband has made a tactless or even downright rude comment about or to me - don't get me wrong, he doesn't do it all the time, in fact it's fairly uncommon, but when he does it's always fairly spectacularly rude. I know he loves me, he's just bloody thoughtless!
I know I need to lose weight, I don't think he said it deliberately to have a dig about my weight, even as a misguided attempt to get me to try and lose some. I just think he blurted it out unintentionally, he didn't engage his brain before putting his mouth in gear.
I have another male friend who is a huge joker, but some of his so-called jokes can be just plain hurtful too.
I know there's the whole 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' thing....but are they really just so tactless, or are women (or me specifically) too sensitive?
I would blame on his meds .
ReplyDeleteRight deep breath. Do you really care? You felt ok before the comment and I am sure you did look good as you felt ok. Men never think about us when they comment. Fact of life. You still love each other. Men and women are different. End of xxx
ReplyDeleteThey really do not have any filters, I’m not entirely sure why we give them house room! Hopefully it didn’t spoil your day. My OH doesn’t particularly like how I like to dress, so I learnt some time ago not to enquire for his opinion!
ReplyDeleteMen!!! I am sure you are right and he just didn't engage brain before mouth but I totally understand how hurtful it was - I'd have needed time to recover my equilibrium too.
ReplyDeleteI bet you looked fantastic and it's just a shame a remark like that damaged your fantastic feelings. Just because someone said it doesn't mean that it was correct, after all.
Give it a few days (or a few weeks), maybe, and then review things. If you feel that there was perhaps something to follow up on, then maybe you could make a few plans but give it time for the initial hurt to settle.
Yes, it was rude, thoughtless and hurt you but I am totally sure it was completely unintentional, just a sort of man-thing. Hopefully the sting will fade soon and I am so glad it didn't spoil your enjioyment of the celebration.
Much love to you. xxx
At least he looked at you. I could go out in sack cloth and ashes and Tom wouldn't notice. lol
ReplyDeleteYes, I do think you are sensitive, I am as well and its a bloody nuisance and can ruin things if you let it.
I'm sure you looked lovely and as you know he probably didn't mean it.
He may be grumpier than usual due to not being well, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. lol
Briony
x
No Sooze, you're not over sensitive, it was a thoroughly tactless remark. Men just don't know when to keep shtum. I'm like you, live in trousers or jeans, but it is nice to get "dolled up" now and again.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has never done this but my son 10 at the time was nice enough to let me know I had a big butt. I told him thanks but I already knew that😂. Your husband was thoughtless but aren't most of them. Mine doesn't really help around the house because "I don't let him".
ReplyDeleteMy husband once said, when I asked him if he thought I was too fat, "yes you are but it's nice to cuddle up to!"
ReplyDeleteI didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Now at almost 60 I wouldn't dream of asking him such a question. I am confident in my own body, even if it's bigger than some people think it should be.
As long as we are healthy, that's all that matters!
Oh love! It is understandable that you would feel deflated, all you needed was a 'yes' but, as you rightly say, he is a man and is from Mars. You looked at yourself in a mirror and saw that you looked good, yes? Trust only yourself in future. Hugs - XOXO
ReplyDeleteOh Sooze, no, you're not being over sensitive. I never ask my hubby what he thinks about what I'm wearing. As long as I'm happy with it, that's all that matters. However, if he had come out with the same remark, he might well have got a kick in the shins! To be fair to my hubby, he will quite often say,'that looks nice!' (He's 6 years younger than me, perhaps I've trained him well, haha!)
ReplyDeleteMy first response on reading your post was 'What an arsehole!'. Are we really expected to put up with such insensitivity because it's just how men are? Not the men I know - and if it is just a speak before brain's engaged response, we need to be teaching them it's not acceptable to blurt things out and that being thoughtless is not an excuse. If I blurted out a racist remark, would that be acceptable because it's just something that people do sometimes without thinking? Is this different because it's 'just' about size? To me it's a horrible thing to say to anyone. This may sound like an extreme response but I just feel so sorry for you that you had your day ruined and were rightly upset. To me yes, it might be just a few seconds of thoughtlessness on his part, but I cannot understand how it cannot be obvious to him how hurtful it was. I don't think that's something I could just shrug off and I salute you that you can.
ReplyDelete