My saying that I find it too upsetting to see my mother as she becomes more and more unwell is having severe consequences. One family member sent me a loving message saying that, whilst my decision wouldn't be hers, she totally understands. Another close relation, however, is totally blanking me, I can almost feel the disapproval coming off them in waves, and that I find really hard. I know another close relative, whilst they haven't said anything yet, will most likely have plenty to say in due course, and none of it will be good - and they do it on social media, unfortunately.
As I said before, it's my decision to make and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. We all cope with hard things in different ways.
Spending the morning at the hospital supporting husband - he's having urine flow tests today and will need to be there for a couple of hours.
You have to do what you feel is right....your decision.
ReplyDeleteAs I said yesterday doing what was right for me has caused me a lot of pain and grief, but I stand by my decisions, familys feel we should all agree and stick together, but it's whats right for you. Take care, hope all goes well at the hospital. x
I'm afraid that it's their problem. You have to do what is right for you in your own circumstances and I don't believe anyone else has the right to dictate. They don't walk in your shoes, thay don't know.
ReplyDeleteMuch love
xx
they, not thay! Oops.
DeleteYou need to do what is best for you. Obviously not everyone will agree, that is life. Take care of yourself and your husband.
ReplyDeleteI am going against what everyone is saying to tell you of my personal experience with my mum. It was while we were living in Wales that my mum, whilst living with my brother, developed dementia and he and my sil couldn't cope, so she went to a care home. As usual I rang a couple of times a week and the dementia was more obvious with some of the things she said. My husband was still working full-time, so we couldn't travel that often to Yorkshire (a five hour journey), but did manage to visit her a couple of times. She was in and out of hospital in Leeds a few times for bladder infection and I was led to believe that it wasn't serious. Like your mum, mine had gone down-hill too, but she was still my mum, so I saw past that in order to be with her. One day when I made my usual 'phone call I was told the nurse was with her and as she'd just come back from hospital didn't think anything of it. I was told to ring back later, which I did and that is when I was told she'd just died. I was in shock! If I had known how badly she had deteriorated I would have made a final visit, something I have regretted since.
ReplyDeleteSo, all I'm saying is that, yes it is down to you and how you're feeling, but don't do something you may regret later and have to live with. Think of your mum and that she may want to see you.
I don't want to upset you any more than you are and if you don't like what I'm saying, then delete it, but I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through and have regretted that I didn't see my mum before she passed away, although I saw her just two months prior.
Oh my goodness - this is so personal that folk really should butt out. When my cousin was very ill with MND my sister and I couldn't face a final visit. Our mother had died of the same disease when we were very young - I still ahve vivid memories of her in her wheel chair unable to move anything below her neck. This was over 50 years ago. We couldn't bear to have to face it all again and together decided that we wouldn't visit. I know we were talked about but things are ok now. If it won't benefit you or your mother, why do it? I hope you can be left in peace.
ReplyDeleteStick to your guns Sooze, your Mum probably will be unaware that you haven't visited anyway. Tom's sister died 2 weeks ago and we have raised a few eyebrows by not going to the funeral. We ourselves are not having funerals and going directly to the furnace without any fuss, lol
ReplyDeleteYou'll never please everyone so don't try. Your memories of your Mum will be with you for ever, nice one's, so don't worry about what others say.
Oh this life is so bloody difficult sometimes isn't it.
Lots of virtual hugs.
Briony
x
That is exactly the way we are doing it.
DeleteI agree with Briony, your mum will not know if you are there at the end. My sister couldn't be there when both of our parents died because she lives 700 km away. She shouldn't, and didn't feel guilty for not being there at the end and neither should you.
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is right for you and your husband. My husband passed away recently with dementia, one son was with me every day at the hospital right up until he died. The other son just couldn't do it, he'd seen his dad deteriorate over the last couple of years and found it very upsetting. Both sons dealt with their dad's death differently but both cared equally. It's a difficult decision but don't be swayed by what others think or say. Maureen xx
ReplyDeleteI totally agree Sooze, it's entirely between you and your Mum and everybody else should keep their noses out and stop judging.
ReplyDeleteI held off as long as I could visiting my Brother in Switzerland when he was terminally ill in hospital because he was so positive right to the end until he couldn't talk any longer and I knew that me turning up would scare him. I did go and see him towards the end and he was frightened but my sister-in-law needed my support too.
You are taking care of you. Crap on the naysayers. They don't live your life . Their problem in their minds, not yours. Keep the hubby minding you . :)
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing. My English friend in Florida is no longer able to visit her husband in the care home, he has dementia and no longer knows her. Last visit she heard him ask the nurse about her " why is that woman crying?" It tore her apart. Better to remember the good times.
ReplyDeleteNot a normal commenter on here although i do read daily saw my mother in the home once she didn't know me never went again they rang to say she was dying and would i like to be there i said no thankyou i have never regretted it. Make your own choice no one else's business.
ReplyDeleteI thought I would elaborate on my first comment. Whilst I agree with everyone who says I should 'but-out' and 'mind my own business', I did say that it was my experience with my mum.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has their own family history and present circumstances so should make their own choice, but my advice which didn't come out in my comment is that you MUST make your own choice, one you feel comfortable with. It's a very difficult time and no-one, including your mum and siblings, will think any the less of you. Your first priority is yourself and husband, so do what is right for both of you. A difficult decision which I didn't have to make.
Joan,
DeleteI was commenting and I think most were about the family that are naysayers. I didn't include you in that. Everyone's experiences matter.
As others have commented, it's your decision as to what is right for you. Keep in touch with your Mum with cards, letters, phone calls and photos and let your family do what they feel is right for them. Don't feel guilty for making a decision that others don't agree with. That's their problem, not yours. You know that you love your Mum, and I believe, although your Mum may not remember who you are, she loves you too. xx
ReplyDelete