Thank you for all your comments on my wish to remember my Mum as she was in happier, healthier times, and not as she is now, which I find just too distressing. Just thinking about the photo sis sent me reduces me to tears, I don't even have to look at it. I know I won't be able to hold back the tears if I actually see Mum, and that's not going to help either of us. Some of my family and friends don't agree with my decision, but it is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences of that.
I've decided I'm going to make and send her cards a couple of times a week, with brief chatty messages about what we've been doing. Mum's eyesight is very poor so sis or younger bro will have to read the cards out to her, but I'll make them bright and colourful so she'll be able to just about see the front of the cards. Ringing Mum is getting to be more and more problematical - sometimes she's fairly lucid, other times not, increasingly so, cards seem to be a better alternative. Wish I'd thought of it before.
Just about everything I eat seems to be upsetting my stomach at the mo, all my muscles and joints are aching, my sleep (lack of) is back to the worst, and I have palpitations and tension headaches - I know it's all to do with Mum and a couple of other stressful things. It'll all sort itself out eventually....in the meantime, I'm being extremely careful about what I eat.
It's my 60th birthday in a couple of months....it's been a standing joke in my family for years and years that I'm 39 every birthday as I refuse to accept that my body is getting that old whilst my mind and outlook remain young. However, I must say I do feel my age at the moment.