Monday 26 August 2019

My poor Mum

Thanks for the comments re the BT resolution, it's just a pity that I had to go to those lengths and suffer so much stress to get it resolved.  It wore me out, frankly.  I'm happy it's dealt with, but will never be fully confident that the problems won't recur.  At least though, if they do, I can ring the exec assistant direct, as per her instructions, and she'll get it resolved.

My better sleep was just a one-off, I had a terrible night last night.  Yesterday, my sister managed to take Mum to her church meeting, for the first time in months....Mum had been saying she really missed the meeting and all her friends.  It took a lot of organisation for sis, and they only stayed for a short while as she knew it would take it out of Mum.  Sis sent me a photo she took of Mum and her best friend, Rose, sitting beside each other in their wheelchairs after the service.  Oh it made me cry - Rose, who's as unwell as Mum and has had as many hospital admissions, looks hale and hearty.  Mum looks utterly dreadful, she's lost loads of weight (sis did tell me she's just skin and bone now), she has a deathly pallor, her hair is extremely thin and wispy, she's gaunt and haggard and just looks like a corpse, the contrast between the two of them is startling.  Mum's gone downhill so much in the 2 months since sis last sent me a photo of her, she's practically unrecognisable as the same person.  The only saving grace is that Mum has a smile on her face and actually looks happy.  The photo haunted me all night, I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I know I should go and see Mum, before it's too late, to be blunt.  I don't want to ask husband to take me up there, it's too long a journey for him now.  Both times recently when he's had to do longish journeys (to Aunt's funeral and nephew's wedding, both in nearby towns and the journeys thus taking similar times) he's been totally worn out when we've got home, he says he hates driving any distance now as he finds it too much of a strain both physically and mentally.  And those journeys took about 2's about 3.5 hours up to see Mum.  I know I could go with my brother....except that he's very busy with work at the moment (he's self employed in a tourist based business).  But the real reason is that I don't really want to go - I don't want my last visual memories of my Mum to be as a wizened haggard thin very ill old lady with dementia.  And coming so soon after seeing my beloved Aunt's final terrible illness and death in hospital, it's just too upsetting.

I know it's selfish of me and I do feel extremely guilty about it, but I just can't do it.  I'm very tearful today.


  1. Oh love, my heart aches for you. Would your mum recognise you anyway? Growing old is not nice and I would far rather my son remember me as a fit person than the one you describe. I wouldn't want him to see me like that and would not want him to feel guilty for staying away..

  2. Don't feel guilty at all. My BinL died of cancer and my sister wouldn't let me see him before he died. She quite rightly in my opinion, realized it would haunt me. Always best to remember people looking as good as possible.You can't unsee things.

  3. I totally understand, love, I really do. It was so difficult going to see mum in her last days in hospital and before then as well. Heartbreaking, really, and the effects remain. You are important too, it's not being selfish, it is being practical, sensible and forward looking.
    Neither Dad nor I went to view Mum's body, either in the hospital just after she passed on (we were just too late to get there) or before the fi=uneral. I felt very selfish but I just couldn't do it; I now know it was absolutely right for me and for Dad.
    Much love and many hugs for you. xxxxx

  4. Oh Sooze....we all cope with things in different ways and if your coping mechanism is to not visit your Mum then you have to accept that and please don't feel guilty for it.
    I wish I had never gone to see my Sister when they turned her life support off. It haunts me still.
    Do what is best for your own peace of mind my love.
    Big hugs-x-

  5. It's a double edged sword unfortunately - if you don't go you might regret it later but if you do, it will upset you perhaps.
    Do you use the trains or coaches in view of hubby's illness. My MIL is in Devon and we're in the East Midlands and we use the train a lot. Much easier. I hope you can get some relief from your dilemma.

  6. Oh Sooze, I do feel for you! I agree with Mrs LH, it is a double edged sword. I did see my Dad right up to the end ( he had pancreatic & liver cancer) In fact, when he died it was just me there. I'm glad I was there, however in my down moments, I can only see a wasted away Dad. But I have learnt that as soon as this happens I make sure I picture him as he was. I've now mastered booting the awful picture of him out of my mind. It took time.
    I have had other close relatives, who I haven't seen prior to their deaths and they have simply become 'not there anymore'
    What I trying to say, is you have to do what is right for you now and in the future. Sending you a massive hug xx

  7. I feel for you. It's not easy making such a momentous decision. Whatever you decide, don't feel guilty. Only you can know what's best for you. All I can say is that my Mum (also with dementia) had a brief spell of lucidity a few days before she died, which was a nice memory. Apparently it's quite a well known phenomenon. However, no-one can predict when, or if it may happen. If you feel happier remembering her in better times, then that's what's right for you. You have to look after yourself and Hubby. Sending love to you. xx

  8. Prayers
    Prayers again

  9. I do not think you are selfish Sooze. Both of you will be stressed and upset after the visit and it will serve no purpose, you can talk to you Mum on the phone. Why are we all made to feel guilty if we don't follow what others say we should do. Do what you feel is right for you.

  10. Darling girl, I was not allowed to see either of my parents and to be frank, I would not have wanted to. In those days women were protected from unhappy situations and I am glad of it. You feel no different from a lot of us, do not berate yourelf!

    Hugs - as always. XOXO

  11. You must do what is right for you Sooze - it is an upsetting time. I will always remember my dad's last days lying in the hospital bed and how he looked the moment he died but I have a lovely picture of him on my mantel piece that replaces those awful memories. Remember your mum is still the same person she has always been - the outside is just the covering no matter how bad she looks.
    Make your decision and then feel happy with it and your mum will be happy too as she will always want to protect you. Sending prayers and hugs to you all at this difficult time x


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