First of all, thank you, just.....thank you 💜 And for the emails.
I've been very tearful and down the last couple of days.....unburdening myself and putting it all 'out there' to the whole world on my blog, whilst being sort of cathartic, also makes it all so real. Admitting my long marriage (39 years married, 42 years together) has collapsed, after going downhill for the past 2 or 3 years, makes me feel a failure. I don't know what will happen in the future - I have no immediate plans to leave, as I said I can't as I simply cannot support myself financially. And if husband's heart failure is getting worse, then there's no way I can even contemplate leaving, I just couldn't leave him to cope alone, he wouldn't be able to. Even if he was in good health, he'd have a hard time doing everything that I do, on his own. Although he claims he'd be fine on his own (when I've semi-jokingly threatened to leave in the past) - I seriously doubt that.
Over the past couple of days I've been making him do some jobs - every time I ask him to do anything, he grumbles under his breath, heaves big sighs (god forbid I should interrupt his computer game playing!) or moans outright. At the moment, I'm just ignoring his moans and moodiness, I simply say "Just do it, please", my tone of voice giving him no choice. Eventually though I am going to have it out with him.
I have started making some plans and set some things in motion, I'll say more about that next time. I went to the GP yesterday about my hip, he thinks the pain is caused by either osteoarthritis, bursitis (which I already have in my other hip) or osteoporosis. I didn't even have to ask for an xray, he suggested it as the first step in diagnosing the cause of my pain. I'm having the xray on Sunday - as I'm having the Covid jab on Saturday I just hope that doesn't affect me too much - but I think I'll be dragging myself to the hospital for the xray even if I feel terrible, I'm that desperate to get this hip pain sorted.