My reality

 This has been locked up inside me for a year or more and if I don't let it out, I'm going to implode.

My day to day life has become intolerable and I have nowhere to turn, to get help or even moral support, I feel completely alone.  For reasons I do not know or understand, it appears my siblings have been talking and making plans via WhatsApp or phone conversations which don't include me....we have a family WhatsApp group which one of them posted on accidentally the other day, concerning some plans which I knew nothing about, it was obviously a mistake and is how I learnt about it.  It's not the first time it's happened, a few times things have been said on the family group which were complete news to me, yet it was clear the others had been discussing elsewhere.  I don't know why this is happening, but am too upset to find out right now.  

I have 2 close friends - one of them lives on the Kent coast, so the other side of the country to me, I see her a couple of times a year when she and her husband come over this way on holidays, she's often said she wishes we lived nearer each other.  My other best friend, who lives 5 minutes drive away, is so busy I rarely see them, and because of the nature of their job and the long hours, phone calls are few and far between.

I'm so isolated here at home because of it being such a tiny hamlet in a very rural area, with no buses or facilities nearby and, being unable to drive, not able to get out unless my husband takes me.  Our neighbours are all very nice, but they're either old, have health problems themselves or extremely busy lives and are away a lot.

And then there's my husband, relations between us are at an all-time low.  To be brutally frank, if I could live on my own I would, but I have nowhere to go and no means of supporting myself financially.  He does have heart failure, of course, along with ongoing prostate and foot problems, but has been in relatively reasonable health since being discharged by his cardiologist 3 years ago, as his heart problems had improved and stabilised with treatment and meds.  He is now getting more breathless, so is in the process of having tests and investigations.  I'm dreading the results - if his heart failure is indeed getting worse, then I will be well and truly trapped here, I can't leave him to cope by himself, I just couldn't do that.  Our relationship has gone downhill since he had his foot operation 2 years ago, had his foot in plaster and was unable to put any weight on the foot for 6 weeks.  He was allowed to move around with crutches - but the hospital FORGOT to provide them or give him any instruction on how to use them, so I had to buy him some (the hospital is too far away to simply go and get some) and show him some YouTube videos on using them.  Due to his lifelong clumsiness, lack of coordination and patience or perseverance, he found it difficult to use them so simply gave up and just laid on the sofa watching TV for the entire 6 weeks.  He literally did nothing.  I had to do everything, including the few jobs that he used to do, and walk the dog twice a day as well - which, as it was winter and our little narrow lanes and fields were full of mud as it rained a lot, wasn't a pleasant experience, especially as I had back problems and a bladder problem which necessitated me having an exploratory operation - I had to put off my scheduled op date, which I'd been waiting months and months for, until after husband's foot was out of plaster.  Meanwhile, my health has gone more and more downhill over the past 2 or 3 years, but every time I think I can begin to get things sorted, husband's health issues flare up and take precedence.

They say that if you do something every day for 3 weeks, it becomes a habit.  Well, husband laid on the sofa doing absolutely nothing except falling asleep in front of the TV for 6 weeks, and it well and truly became a habit, one he's never really got out of.  To a large extent it's my fault - I've always been the type to get on and do things rather than waiting for someone else to do it, I've always been the one who arranges our lives, holidays, days out, house and garden renovations, finding and buying the caravan etc etc - pretty much everything.  I have always done all our banking and admin stuff, as husband's dyslexia means paperwork is very difficult for him.  He has never arranged a holiday in all our 42 years together, he rarely if ever suggests days out (he'd rather stay home), if I ask him to take me somewhere, he scowls, grumbles and says "Where?" - he has absolutely no imagination.  If I ask him to do something for me (well, actually it's not for me, it's for US as we BOTH live here!), he moans, mutters under his breath, or more or less ignores me, he almost never does it straight away, meaning I have to ask him several more times over the next few days/weeks and then I get accused of nagging.  Last week, several days before we went to the caravan, I asked him to do 3 small jobs.....we're home now and each of those jobs is still not done.  So it'll most likely be me doing them, as usual.

When we got home from the van yesterday morning, I spent an hour or 2 unpacking and putting away clothes and food, plus the extra bits and pieces we'd brought home from the van as we'll only be going there once more.  Put one load of washing on and sorted out another to go on overnight.  Put away the dog's food and stuff, and our medications (we both have loads nowadays).  Husband....switched his computer on and played chess, he appears to think that driving 40 mins home is his contribution, after I'd packed up everything at the van, did some cleaning, made sure all was tidy, switched off and closed up before we left.

I can't rely on him to do anything - I've reminded him numerous times to write appointments on the calendar in the kitchen (his dyslexia isn't so bad that he cannot write at all), yet he forgets so many times, or writes them on the wrong day, or wrong week or month even.  Or I've said he could just tell me and I'll write them on the calendar - he even forgets to do that.  So just in the past couple of months, he's missed a phone consultation with his prostate team because he didn't write it down and didn't even tell me he was having one, it having been arranged when he'd had a face to face appointment at the hospital which I didn't attend with him as he had to go alone, due to Covid restrictions (still).  He was out when the doctor rang and I could only apologise because I knew nothing about it.  Betty missed a grooming appointment as he didn't write it down - the groomers rang me on my mobile to ask if we'd changed our minds about bringing her in, and as we were out at the time and didn't have her with us, again I could only apologise.  Husband turned up at the surgery last month to have his toes re-dressed by the nurse - only to be told his appointment was the following day - he'd written it on the calendar (for a change) but on the wrong day.  He wrote his dental appointment down on the wrong month, luckily I noticed and amended it so he didn't miss that one.  

I'm sick of it all.  I'm sick of having to do everything, and sick of having no support, moral or practical.  I'm no longer a wife (haven't been for ages) - I'm simply a carer, housekeeper, secretary, chief cook and bottle washer and general dogsbody.  We're civil to each other (most of the time) but that's it really, it's not much of a life for either of us.