This has been locked up inside me for a year or more and if I don't let it out, I'm going to implode.
My day to day life has become intolerable and I have nowhere to turn, to get help or even moral support, I feel completely alone. For reasons I do not know or understand, it appears my siblings have been talking and making plans via WhatsApp or phone conversations which don't include me....we have a family WhatsApp group which one of them posted on accidentally the other day, concerning some plans which I knew nothing about, it was obviously a mistake and is how I learnt about it. It's not the first time it's happened, a few times things have been said on the family group which were complete news to me, yet it was clear the others had been discussing elsewhere. I don't know why this is happening, but am too upset to find out right now.
I have 2 close friends - one of them lives on the Kent coast, so the other side of the country to me, I see her a couple of times a year when she and her husband come over this way on holidays, she's often said she wishes we lived nearer each other. My other best friend, who lives 5 minutes drive away, is so busy I rarely see them, and because of the nature of their job and the long hours, phone calls are few and far between.
I'm so isolated here at home because of it being such a tiny hamlet in a very rural area, with no buses or facilities nearby and, being unable to drive, not able to get out unless my husband takes me. Our neighbours are all very nice, but they're either old, have health problems themselves or extremely busy lives and are away a lot.
And then there's my husband, relations between us are at an all-time low. To be brutally frank, if I could live on my own I would, but I have nowhere to go and no means of supporting myself financially. He does have heart failure, of course, along with ongoing prostate and foot problems, but has been in relatively reasonable health since being discharged by his cardiologist 3 years ago, as his heart problems had improved and stabilised with treatment and meds. He is now getting more breathless, so is in the process of having tests and investigations. I'm dreading the results - if his heart failure is indeed getting worse, then I will be well and truly trapped here, I can't leave him to cope by himself, I just couldn't do that. Our relationship has gone downhill since he had his foot operation 2 years ago, had his foot in plaster and was unable to put any weight on the foot for 6 weeks. He was allowed to move around with crutches - but the hospital FORGOT to provide them or give him any instruction on how to use them, so I had to buy him some (the hospital is too far away to simply go and get some) and show him some YouTube videos on using them. Due to his lifelong clumsiness, lack of coordination and patience or perseverance, he found it difficult to use them so simply gave up and just laid on the sofa watching TV for the entire 6 weeks. He literally did nothing. I had to do everything, including the few jobs that he used to do, and walk the dog twice a day as well - which, as it was winter and our little narrow lanes and fields were full of mud as it rained a lot, wasn't a pleasant experience, especially as I had back problems and a bladder problem which necessitated me having an exploratory operation - I had to put off my scheduled op date, which I'd been waiting months and months for, until after husband's foot was out of plaster. Meanwhile, my health has gone more and more downhill over the past 2 or 3 years, but every time I think I can begin to get things sorted, husband's health issues flare up and take precedence.
They say that if you do something every day for 3 weeks, it becomes a habit. Well, husband laid on the sofa doing absolutely nothing except falling asleep in front of the TV for 6 weeks, and it well and truly became a habit, one he's never really got out of. To a large extent it's my fault - I've always been the type to get on and do things rather than waiting for someone else to do it, I've always been the one who arranges our lives, holidays, days out, house and garden renovations, finding and buying the caravan etc etc - pretty much everything. I have always done all our banking and admin stuff, as husband's dyslexia means paperwork is very difficult for him. He has never arranged a holiday in all our 42 years together, he rarely if ever suggests days out (he'd rather stay home), if I ask him to take me somewhere, he scowls, grumbles and says "Where?" - he has absolutely no imagination. If I ask him to do something for me (well, actually it's not for me, it's for US as we BOTH live here!), he moans, mutters under his breath, or more or less ignores me, he almost never does it straight away, meaning I have to ask him several more times over the next few days/weeks and then I get accused of nagging. Last week, several days before we went to the caravan, I asked him to do 3 small jobs.....we're home now and each of those jobs is still not done. So it'll most likely be me doing them, as usual.
When we got home from the van yesterday morning, I spent an hour or 2 unpacking and putting away clothes and food, plus the extra bits and pieces we'd brought home from the van as we'll only be going there once more. Put one load of washing on and sorted out another to go on overnight. Put away the dog's food and stuff, and our medications (we both have loads nowadays). Husband....switched his computer on and played chess, he appears to think that driving 40 mins home is his contribution, after I'd packed up everything at the van, did some cleaning, made sure all was tidy, switched off and closed up before we left.
I can't rely on him to do anything - I've reminded him numerous times to write appointments on the calendar in the kitchen (his dyslexia isn't so bad that he cannot write at all), yet he forgets so many times, or writes them on the wrong day, or wrong week or month even. Or I've said he could just tell me and I'll write them on the calendar - he even forgets to do that. So just in the past couple of months, he's missed a phone consultation with his prostate team because he didn't write it down and didn't even tell me he was having one, it having been arranged when he'd had a face to face appointment at the hospital which I didn't attend with him as he had to go alone, due to Covid restrictions (still). He was out when the doctor rang and I could only apologise because I knew nothing about it. Betty missed a grooming appointment as he didn't write it down - the groomers rang me on my mobile to ask if we'd changed our minds about bringing her in, and as we were out at the time and didn't have her with us, again I could only apologise. Husband turned up at the surgery last month to have his toes re-dressed by the nurse - only to be told his appointment was the following day - he'd written it on the calendar (for a change) but on the wrong day. He wrote his dental appointment down on the wrong month, luckily I noticed and amended it so he didn't miss that one.
I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of having to do everything, and sick of having no support, moral or practical. I'm no longer a wife (haven't been for ages) - I'm simply a carer, housekeeper, secretary, chief cook and bottle washer and general dogsbody. We're civil to each other (most of the time) but that's it really, it's not much of a life for either of us.
First, I would cut the plug off the tv, seriously. Sit down and tell him, if he doesn’t buck up, you will leave him and show him you mean it. I had to do this in a previous relationship. Things improved then didn’t so I left. I had nowhere to go so stayed with a friend for a few days and found a bedsit. You would be entitled to lots of things but need to find out. If you are this desperate ring The Samaritans. I had many talks with ring and felt much better each time.ReplyDelete
Oh, Sooze, I'm so sorry you feel so alone and down. I won't even try to say what you should or shouldn't do, it's not my place. But please know you have friends here. You have my email address, if you feel it would help to offload there. Hugs. xxxxReplyDelete
I can only echo what the others have said, dear Sooze. Thinking of you such a lot and sending my love. xxReplyDelete
I’m so sorry both about your family and husband.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry, Sooze. You have every reason to feel the way you do. I hope it is of some comfort to know that we care, and feel free to offload any time. XxReplyDelete
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, don't really know what else to say. I agree it's a very hard situation when we women get to an age where we don't work, yet don't claim a pension or benefits in our own right. It does leave us reliant on spouses. A favourite blogger of mine (Marlene) seems to have gone through a similar thing, I'm sure she would advise you on what benefits you might be entitled to, should you decide on that route. Best wishes.ReplyDelete
Sending you all good vibes and hugs. I wish I knew what to say. Try and look after yourself. xReplyDelete
Sending you all the positive thoughts that I can, and you know that we all care.ReplyDelete
You know what I did when I was let down badly by my hubby. Living next door to him now rather than with stops me from murdering him and having to serve time ... although the thought of a cell to myself, television on the channels I wanted on and meals cooked for me was for a time very appealing!!
When the right solution comes to mind you will be able to make a decision and feel all the better for it.
As for the siblings, can you bring yourself to completely cut them out of your life ... that is exactly what I would do. God chose our families, but it's up to us to choose our friends.
Such a sad post Sooze. I would suggest you find out what benefits and pensions you are entitled to, also I think you really do need to move into a new property nearer to civilisation. If anything were to happen to your husband you would be stuck as you can't drive. Lack of company is making you isolated as well. Good luck and sending hugs your way.ReplyDelete
I can send warm thoughts, and concern. But, also that you are so worthy of a better life. Remember you are worthy. I have no idea what resources are available, but maybe you should use the computer to see. I don't know your relationship with his children, but might they be a help with their dad, get him to see he needs to contribute to his own standard of life?ReplyDelete
Sooze love you are not alone .And though I don't share things I understand exactly what you are going through.ReplyDelete
Sue, I am so sorry to read what you have to deal with. I concur with Sue's comment - if people are not adding to your life then remove them from it. Does not matter whether they are friends or relatives. As for your husband, mine is not as bad as yours but you might be surprised how many of us do not live 'picture-perfect-Country-Living' lives.ReplyDelete
Is it too late for you to learn to drive? Perhaps you could ask your nearby friend to take you out for a few minutes to see how you get on, if nothing else, it would give you the freedom to get to a vet if Betty needed anything urgently.
Please know that you are not truly alone, reach out to whoever you can for info on benefits, counseling anything you think might help or be available. I am in the same boat regarding siblings. I have since blocked them from my life for my own protection. No longer married and it came with a cost but much cheaper than the mental/emotional abuses. To me it sounds like your husband needs a mental evaluation. I also agree that maybe a move to a bigger area might help, maybe somewhere with some public transportation. Just know that I will be thinking of you and praying for your situation. I wish you much improvement in the whole situation.ReplyDelete
I am inclined to agree with Dc. Let husband know there are no more choices. Cut the cord. No more whinging and complaining from him. Shut up and do. Sever the relationship with friends and family who do not enrich your life and do the same with your husband. You have no obligation to someone who does not put any effort, at all, into the relationship. You need to start looking out for yourself. You are becoming more and more angry and bitter and you don't want that to be your whole life. You deserve some joy and happiness beyond your little caravan. (which now seems to be as much work as home, for you) You deserve better and no one is going to give it to you. You have to go and get it. If it's at all possible, learn to drive. If not, get the help you can so that you can relocate to a bit more of a populated area so services aren't so far away and unreachable for you. Get tough - get the treatment you need for your health. Stand your ground and don't take no for an answer. Life is too short. You can do this. You got inspired when you got the caravan and were able to get lots accomplished. You now need to do it for yourself. And you have friends here who obviously care and wish you only the best. Ranee (MN) USAReplyDelete
I think that a lot of wives in a marriage, are the ones who are the do-ors. The organizers, the accountants, the nurturers, the cooks, the bottle-washers, the get off your bums and make life happen sorts. Unfortunately some men seem to just be fine with sitting and watching TV, hour after hour, and vegetating their lives away. I would learn to drive, and get a little job, or volunteer just to fill your days with meaningful activities. I've been in your shoes many times, and hope you can figure it out.ReplyDelete
There are a number of similarities between your and my life so I feel for you but have nothing useful to add to what all the others have said. Strengthening hugs! xReplyDelete
If you can’t learn to drive…move to public transportation…ReplyDelete