Frazzled

 The scaffolders turned up just before 9 am yesterday, 3 of them.  Betty did a fair bit of woofing initially, but surprisingly soon settled down, just sending anxious glances out of the window occasionally.  After 3 hours of poles clanging, the poles being fixed together with a heavy duty electric drill thing, and the 3 blokes all shouting and laughing loudly, my nerves and head were on fire.  Whenever we've had workmen in (when there's more than one of them) for whatever reason, it always seems to be the same - they're all quite jolly and laugh/talk a lot, but they don't actually talk - they shout.  Loudly.  Presumably because the work is always so noisy, so they get used to shouting to be heard above the noise.  At least these guys didn't have a huge great ghetto blaster radio blaring out, which often seems to be the case with workmen.  Husband was out (lucky him) away from the noise, mowing lawns for 2 neighbours, but did come back to check Betty and I were coping.  Once we'd had lunch we went out, all 3 of us.  Nipped into town to get a couple of things from Wilko and some cash out (I almost never use cash nowadays, but will need some for the RNLI plant sale on tomorrow) and then stopped off at the nature reserve on the way home, to give Betty a walk and all of us some welcome peace.

Got home mid afternoon to find they'd gone but hadn't finished.  They came back about 3.30, having gone to collect more supplies, so then another hour or so of banging and shouting.  One thing I will say in the workmen's favour - they were very careful not to trample on my flowerbeds, thankfully.

By dinnertime when they'd finally gone, I had a banging headache and felt totally frazzled, resulting in another bad night.  Thank goodness we're off to the van again today as I assume they'll be back this morning to finish off, and I really hope the roof gets done next week whilst we're at the van.  If not, well we will simply go to the van again for a few days whenever the roofers turn up, at least we can up and go with very little notice or preparation.  There are a couple of appointments on the calendar for next week and the week after, but fortunately husband will still be able to go to them from the caravan park.

I'd decided to start dieting again, but with my nerves stretched almost to breaking point with all sorts of things right now, that ain't happening.

Sometime when

Yesterday the scaffolding (for the new roof to be done) was going up, the men were supposed to arrive early, around 8 am.  We'd decided to go shopping, taking Betty with us (she'd be doing her guard dog duty, running around the house and barking at the men outside in the garden if we left her at home).  Husband of course stayed with her in the car (he sits in the boot with the door open, Betty likes watching the world go by) whilst I did the shopping by myself - which I prefer to do.  Well, they didn't come, and no phone call to inform us either.  I guess the rain in the morning put them off, although it had stopped by lunchtime.

The window man came as arranged though, to measure up for the new windows which are to be fitted in August.  Although we're not paying for the windows (the Landlord is), I was pleasantly surprised to find that we did have some choices - types of window openings, style of front door (the other 3 houses owned by our Landlord have all had/are having full glazed front door, whereas I wanted a half glazed).  We could also choose the pattern for the obscure glass in the bathroom and front door.

I'm assuming the scaffolders will be coming today, fine weather is forecast so they can't use the weather as an excuse.  If they do arrive, then I'd thought we could go out again with Betty.  I need a few things from a garden centre anyway, and we could sit outside with Betty for a coffee, and then take her for a walk.  Only it appears husband has now made plans to go and mow the lawns for 2 of the neighbours 😒  

As to when the new roof is actually being done....we don't know, all the Landlord could say was 'within the next few days'.  Typical Somerset.....'sometime when' being a familiar phrase here.  I'm hoping they'll do the roof next week when we're at the van - neither Betty nor I would cope very well with the noise.

Husband has a GP appointment this afternoon, I'll be packing again for the caravan, we're off there again tomorrow.  Not too much to pack, as we both have clothes there and I left plenty of food in the cupboards and fridge, as we knew we'd be back there again this week.

A blessing

 We're home again for a few days, journey this morning took us twice as long as normal due to traffic jams everywhere.

It's been so nice at the caravan, hardly anyone there, just 4 or 5 others, and none of those around us so very peaceful.  Spending time at the van is healing me, I'm not fixed yet but better than I was.  There are some issues that are still unresolved and which are really upsetting me and holding me back....I was hoping it could be cleared up, but no such luck.  I realise this won't make much sense to most people reading this, sorry but it's one of those things that I won't be giving details of on here....although my blog is often warts and all, there are some things that I don't share with the whole world.

We had such lovely weather at the van, lots of time spent outside doing a few jobs in the garden, sowing some seeds (salad leaves and radishes) and potting on a couple of tomato plants, tying in new shoots on the clematis and climbing rose which both seem to almost be growing inches before our very eyes.  Did some weeding, dead heading (all the Spring bulbs have now finished flowering) and tidying up pots.  Planning what to put in next - I want the caravan garden filled with colour for this Jubilee year (our Queen's Platinum Jubilee, for overseas readers), so I shall be putting in lots of colourful bedding plants this coming weekend.  There's a plant sale in aid of RNLI (Lifeboats) in the village just down the road from the van park this coming Saturday (we'll be back at the caravan then), so I'll be picking up a few packs of plants.  The weather is forecast to be even warmer from next weekend, the van is quite sheltered where it's situated so it should be fine to put the plants in.

We've come home as we now have several appointments we need to be home for over the next few days.  Someone is coming to measure up for the new windows and he needs to do it inside as well as outside, the mechanic is coming to do another thing to the car, and husband has a GP appointment.  Oh, and the scaffolding is now being put up tomorrow for the new roof to be done, so all my pots have to be moved away from the house.  We'll be going back to the van on Friday though - unless something else comes up....I hope it doesn't as I'm already feeling stressed again with all that's being done this week.

Having the van is truly one of the best things ever - the peacefulness, lovely new friends and beautiful surroundings help to soothe my soul.  The fact that it's not far away from home means that we can just come and go between home and the van at the drop of a hat.  Yet despite being just 35-40 mins away, it feels like we're on holiday in our very own holiday home.  There are few responsibilities at the van, very minimal 'housework' and cooking, I can, and often do, switch off my phone and laptop so 'real (and often problematical) life' doesn't force its way into my consciousness like it does at home.  We're so very fortunate to have the van, I don't know what I'd do without it, it really is a blessing.

Thank you all so much for your lovely caring comments, I really appreciate them.

A bad week

 We're at the caravan now.

It's been a really difficult week, probably the worst one in this period of depression.  I've been terribly low mentally, crying a lot behind closed doors.  I've had stomach upsets all week, awful tension headaches making my head feel like it's got an anvil sitting on top of it and the back of my neck feeling like it's being squeezed in a vice.  Eczema has flared up, and a cold sore.  Sleep has been even worse than usual, which means I feel like a zombie.  All this is stress and anxiety related, I know.  Don't think I've eaten a full meal this week, most days my appetite has disappeared halfway through whatever meal I've served up.  Cannot think straight at all, twice when using my debit card in shops this week I tapped in the wrong pin number, husband had to pay as I couldn't remember the correct number so ran the risk of my card being locked.  I've dropped things, misplaced things, overcooked several things as I simply forgot how long they'd been cooking - all of this is just so unlike me.  I've felt like I had no purpose in life, that nobody would even notice, let alone care, if I wasn't around.  Sometimes it just feels like people don't take any notice of me or really listen to what I say, it's what they want that's important, not what I want or need.

Hopefully, being here at the van will help....I'm sure it will.  All the holiday crowds have gone, there's hardly anyone here and it's so peaceful.  We'll be here for at least a week, probably longer.  Husband has a hospital appointment tomorrow and will be gone for several hours, he's also going home a couple of times during the week to water the veg in the garden and collect post (I'm expecting some important stuff), so I'll have some quiet time on my own.  He'll be taking Betty with him so she can have a good run around in the field behind our house - there's not really anywhere close to the caravan park where she can safely be let off the lead.

Already I can feel the tension in the back of my neck easing off.  It's going to be nice weather for the coming week, I've got loads of books here in the van and I've brought my art and craft supplies with me.

Bloody hell!!

 Today is really turning out to be one of those days......I've been feeling increasingly stressed and anxious since the weekend, but today has finished me off.  

Betty has just emptied her anal sacs on my bed again (she did it for the first time last year sometime).  I know she can't help it, bless her, it's not her fault, and if I choose to allow her on my bed then it's a risk I have to take.  But obviously it's meant that I've had to strip my bed off completely and put it all in the wash....as if I haven't got enough to do today, or the next few days.  Right now I'm abandoning everything I have to do.....sod it, it'll all still be there tomorrow, I'll get an early start in the morning.

Nothing gets done in my house or garden unless I do it myself, or I organise all of it, or I specifically ask (several times usually) for it to be done.  

And just lately my nearest and dearest have been less than sympathetic or helpful or understanding of my depression - it's almost like they don't believe me or take in what I say when I try to explain how I'm feeling and how it affects my life and my reactions.  Funny that, when they bend over backwards to help others.  And when they're family/friends who KNOW me intimately and have done for many years!

Well, I'm not explaining anymore. in fact I'm not going to interact with anyone, apart from what's necessary.  I could do with some time alone, but that's not possible right now.....husband has a hospital appointment for tests on Thursday, which will be uncomfortable for him, and again on Saturday at a different hospital for more tests which he's had before and he'll be in quite a lot of discomfort for a few days after, so he'll need me to take care of him.  We'll be away at the caravan, he'll be going to hospital on his own (hospital rules), so at least I'll have a few hours by myself - well, with Betty.  And now her anal sacs are empty she'll be no trouble!

I'm turning off comments for this post.....it's just to get things off my chest, that's all.  I know you're all lovely kind people, and I thank you, but I don't really want any comments just now (and to those of you who think I'm just a whining old moaner who should stop being so self absorbed and pull herself together and get on with life - bog off!  I didn't ask for your opinion, and you don't walk in my shoes).

Sorry if I don't post for a while, I expect things will simmer down sooner or later.

Busy to keep anxiety at bay

 Our meals for the past couple of weeks have been mostly functional rather than proper imaginative cooking, because I just haven't felt like it.  And my appetite has waned too, several times I just haven't finished my dinner.  We've eaten quite a few ready-cooked meals from the freezer (another good reason to cook extra and freeze meals, so I don't have to cook from scratch all the time), with the addition of some fresh veg if we have it, or frozen.  So my stock of frozen ready-cooked meals has depleted.  So today and tomorrow, I shall be making a few more, as we're off to the caravan for a week or so from Friday.

Today I'm doing meatballs.....not homemade, they're frozen readymade ones, but I'll be making double or treble quantity of a tomato and veg sauce to go with them, freezing the rest (there are plenty of these bought meatballs in the freezer).  We have packet noodles here and in the caravan to accompany them.  Tomorrow I'll do another big batch of savoury mince, we all know how versatile that is, it can be turned into any number of meals.  I'll make some cookies and cheese biscuits as well - I must set the timer though, because my mind and memory have been AWOL recently.  I made a batch of flapjacks last week and totally forgot they were in the oven, so it came out like a brown solid brick, inedible and thrown away, what a waste of ingredients.

Our fridge in the van is a slightly smaller than normal sized under the counter one, with an icebox - I particularly wanted an icebox so we could keep frozen meals from home, small packets of peas and chips, and ice cubes of course.  The icebox does cut down on the space in the main part of the fridge though, which means we do have to go food shopping during longer stays in the van.  So we've bought one of those little table top 'beer' fridges, we can keep the butter, cheese, husband's beer and my juice in it, freeing up more space in the main fridge.

Landlord has now told us that we'll be having the new roof in about 3 weeks, the windows will be done in August, so at least now we know so can arrange to stay at the van then.  The roof should take 2 or 3 days, the windows 1 or 2 days.  I just hope the workmen won't trample all over my flower beds when they're putting the scaffolding up.  I have lots of pots by the house walls, I'll have to move them all back out of the way.

Have just noticed there's a big patch of lemon balm in the front corner flower bed - it's so intrusive and fast growing, every year I pull it up and each year it comes back again.  It does smell nice (and obviously can be used in cooking) but it's such a rampant thug, it smothers everything, so that's got to come out today.

Anxiety and stress is swamping me again, so I need to keep busy.

Sunday

 Discovered I didn't have any new potatoes left, must have used them up during the week and forgot.  I did have a bagful of jacket potatoes though, so I baked the whole lot, 10 in all.  We had a small one each with our salmon (as the oven was on I foil wrapped it and roasted it instead of frying) and lots of salad - I thinned some mayo down with lemon juice to dress the salad, it was lovely.  The rest of the jacket spuds I've wrapped individually and frozen, they take just a couple of minutes to heat through in the microwave, or a few minutes in the oven if it's on for something else.

Husband did pretty well selling at the boot sale, he brought back just 5 things, he was happy with the amount he made, a bit over £150 I think.  I read my book for a couple of hours.  Husband had put Betty's travel cage in the garden, as he needed the space in the car for all his junk - Betty got in her cage and snoozed all afternoon in the garden.

It's drizzling today, the garden is just drinking it up.  Pity it's blanket cloud cover though, makes it look so gloomy and grey.  We're going to my best friend's this afternoon for Sunday lunch, that'll be nice, plus it means I get a day off of cooking.

Just done a Covid test each, to be on the safe side.....one of our neighbours has just tested positive again, for the 2nd time in 3 or 4 months.  So many of our little hamlet have had Covid now, it still amazes me that we haven't caught it.  I did read in the news a few weeks back that scientists are trying to discover why some people have Covid more than once, yet others don't catch it at all.  For us, I think it's because we don't socialise much, hardly ever go into anyone's houses, don't go out for meals with anyone, and when we do go out for the very occasional coffee, we always sit outside.  We haven't been to the cinema or any big events since before the pandemic, and when we go shopping or anywhere there are lots of people, we still wear masks.  My brother had Covid the week before last, for 2 days in the middle of it he felt very poorly and stayed in bed, the rest of the time he said it was just a cold really.  He seems to have recovered fairly quickly.....his wife didn't get infected, strangely, despite not sleeping in another room - she said she was hoping to catch it and get it over with, but it didn't happen.

I'm feeling ready to go back to the caravan again, think we'll stay a bit longer this time.  We can't go until Friday though.  Husband has to do 3 days of record keeping from tomorrow - recording the quantity he wees and how many times he goes, along with everything he drinks....for the prostate and bladder tests he has to go and have on Thursday.  And Betty is going to the groomers for her bath and nail clipping on Wednesday.  I was due to go to the chiropodist on Wednesday too but have cancelled it - she's put her prices up 3 times in the 3 years I've been going to her.  I don't begrudge her putting her fees up, everyone has to make a living and she's had to buy so much protective stuff for Covid.  However, in view of food, fuel and energy prices rising so dramatically, we have to make savings somewhere, so the chiropodist is a luxury I can no longer afford.  The caravan is hugely important to me, well to both of us, and the site fees are a big expense....as I've mentioned before, I have the fees for the next year up until 2 June 2023 saved up already, but will definitely find it harder to save after that, if the economy carries on as it is.  So we have to prioritise where our money goes.