Observations on the last year

 During the 10 years + that we've lived here in this tiny hamlet surrounded by farmland, nobody living here has EVER set off any fireworks....too much respect for the livestock (cattle, sheep, pheasants and chickens) I expect.  Well, last night at midnight, the family living 3 houses away set off several big rockets, ear shatteringly loud, which obviously woke us all up (Betty and I went up to bed around 9.30, husband about an hour later).  Betty was terrified, she was whimpering, panting and licking her lips, her fur was standing on end, she kept getting behind my legs (I was sitting on the edge of the bed) and even tried to get under the bed.  It took over an hour before she eventually calmed down enough to stop pacing around the house and get back on my bed and go back to sleep.  Sometime during the night she was sick on the stairs.  My poor baby.  It's not like that family are newcomers, they've lived there for 3 or 4 years, and the father initially worked on the nearest (dairy) farm so should certainly know better.  And the thing that annoyed me the most - he never even warned any of us that they were having fireworks.  Bloody irresponsible prick.  

Some of the past year was good, very good in fact, and some not so good - quite bad actually.

The time we spent at the caravan (more than 12 weeks in total) was wonderful, buying that caravan was truly one of the best decisions we ever made.  I love the van (I expect you noticed! 😂  I bored you all to death with my constant talking about it), we've made such fabulous friends there, it's a real friendly little community.  And the lifestyle we have there is just so relaxing.  I think that's the best thing about it - unlike at home, I have very few responsibilities or jobs to do there - it doesn't take long to tidy and clean a static caravan, and I don't do very much actual cooking, we eat very simple meals there.  It's a pity that we do have to go home every week or 10 days, so I can do washing, tidy up the garden, do a bit of batch cooking of meals to take back to the van, go through the post and action whatever needs doing.  Oh, and for husband - and occasionally me - to attend a few medical appointments.  We fully intend to do more of the same next year, we'll spend as much time as we can there at the park.

Health matters weren't so good, husband's heart failure got a bit worse, resulting in him being prescribed yet more medication (3 extra meds), he had more problems with his feet, and my hips became much more of a problem.  I still haven't heard anything from the physiotherapy department, but they did tell me there's a very long waiting list.  In the meantime, I just use my walking stick when I have to, have a sit down and rest when I've been standing in the kitchen for a long while or doing housework, and take codeine when the pain is really bad.  I cope, and that's enough for now.

There was a time when I thought my marriage was probably over, I'd become so resentful of just how little husband did around the house and even the garden, which he's completely lost interest in.  And he was so oblivious to everything I did and I really felt taken for granted.  It was noticeable more when we were with others - other husbands thank their wives for doing even simple things, mine never did.  I felt I was little more than a skivvy, housekeeper, cook, admin clerk, carer, etc etc, and felt completely taken for granted.  He was literally happy to do nothing, just lounging in his chair and watching TV - all day long if I let him.  And he moaned like hell every time I asked him to do anything or take me anywhere.  After a few rows, where he promised to help out more but which only lasted a couple of days before he went back to his bone idle ways, and my realisation that I couldn't leave even if I wanted to, I knew things had to change, and I was the one who had to make those changes happen.  The reality was that I had nowhere to go (and with Betty in tow, I wouldn't leave her behind) and couldn't afford to support myself on my small private pension.  Nor would my conscience let me leave husband on his own - he'd find it next to impossible to survive without me, with his health problems and his severe dyslexia.  Taking steps towards moving sometime in the foreseeable future to an area closer to amenities, and a bungalow with a wet room, was the first thing - it would make our lives so much easier.  And applying for Attendance Allowance, and then Carers Allowance - my sister, who has both for her husband, who has numerous health problems, had been telling me for ages to apply but I honestly didn't think we'd be eligible.  Seeing the lovely advisor from Age UK though made me think differently - she was of the opinion that we would almost certainly be eligible (prior to joining Age UK, she'd been a benefits advisor for the DWP).  If we get those allowances, not only will it help a lot financially, especially with our eventual moving costs, it kind of underlines all those things I've been doing for husband for the past year or two - it's a sort of validation of my existence, if you like.

Also, my attitude towards husband has changed - instead of feeling resentful, I now just take charge and ask him to do things when I want them done, and say "Now, please" so he's under no illusion that he can get away with not doing it if he just ignores me.  I do appreciate that there are times when he really doesn't feel well enough to do things, so I take account of that.  But he also has to realise that I'm sometimes not well enough either, but I just do it regardless - as I've said a few times lately, someone has to!

So I'm going into 2023 with a positive attitude, and with plans and changes on the horizon.  But then, having said all that......yesterday husband said something that was just so ungrateful and spiteful, so much so that I felt like whacking him round the lughole with my slipper.  Instead, I took myself off upstairs for a couple of hours, so I didn't have to see or speak to him.  He did eventually apologise.  I shall still be positive!  And self reliant.

Wishing all of you good things for the coming year, and sending thanks for the unending support you've given me for the past year, and for all your lovely blogs.