Introspective

 By the time we got to Blue Anchor Bay yesterday the sun had well and truly vanished, it was cloudy and quite windy.  Despite that, there were plenty of families on the beach (with coats on!), children and dogs running about and lots of people walking along the promenade above the beach.  We walked along the prom for quite a way (the tide was out so no wave watching), then went into the caravan park cafe for a hot coffee and slice of cake.  It's a smart nice looking cafe, we've been in there several times, but it is very expensive - obviously catering to the tourists on the holiday park, who are captive audiences really.  Still, it's nice as a treat now and then, it's not somewhere we go often and there's the lovely view across the bay to South Wales.

We're not going anywhere today, the weather's not nice at all, raining and windy again - in fact it's forecast to be unsettled all week (there's a surprise!).  So we're doing some more sorting out this week, our wardrobes this time, and I'll be doing some batch cooking I expect.  Hannah the psychologist said she will be ringing us Thursday or Friday.  I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm crippled with backache today, it's been getting worse the past few days (since I sorted out all the garden pots the other day) and is making my hip pain worse.  I've got a few things to do today, so will take painkillers and get on and do them, and then take it a bit easier this afternoon.  Husband has a tendency to say he doesn't feel well and uses it as an excuse to sit and doze in front of the TV literally all day.  I've tried to get him to see that life doesn't come to a halt if we're not feeling well - sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and get on with stuff, else we become invalids and expect everything to be done for us.  I know he's got heart failure, I'm well aware of it, but the 2 new meds he was prescribed last October and the small adjustments to his existing meds that the GP has been doing have helped enormously, he's no longer really breathless and isn't getting the angina anymore, he just gets tired quite quickly so he just needs to pace himself and take breaks.

I do wonder sometimes what would happen if one morning after a particularly bad night, I said I really didn't feel well and was going to stay in bed for a couple of days.  I am always tired, literally 100% of the time, I always have some degree of hip, back and knee pain, that never goes away.  I have frequent stomach and bowel issues and go through periods where everything I eat seems to upset my gut, usually caused by stress.  I have headaches and the occasional migraine, again stress related.  Sometimes I just wish I lived on a desert island, with just books and my dog to keep me company.  Husband could feed himself if I stayed in bed, he'd be happy to do himself something on toast, and there are nearly always homemade meals in the freezer, so food wouldn't be a problem for him, he'd also feed Betty.  He'd have to use the microwave for the frozen stuff, he wouldn't know how to use the AF - I have shown him a few times, but he forgets instantly.  However, nothing else would get done, and I do mean nothing.  I'm not putting it to the test though, it's not in my nature to stay in bed, and that would exacerbate my back and hip pain anyway.  It's just that sometimes it would be nice for someone else to take over and look after me.  It's not going to happen though, so I don't dwell on it.

It sounds like I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now - I'm not really, there's no point in wishing our lives were different.....it is what it is and I've got to work with it.  I'm sure nobody has a perfect life - even if they did, something would be bound to happen to disrupt it sooner or later.  I guess that right now my head is full of 'What if's....' - understandable under the circumstances.  We've had a pretty good life up till now, which I'm thankful for.  

But a bunch of flowers, for no reason, and a little note telling me I'm appreciated would be nice!