Coping and changing

 As I've said before, I don't write every happening and aspect of my life on my blog - that would be foolish in the extreme, writing a load of very personal stuff on a public blog that could be read by anybody around the world.  So some things are kept private.  

This year has been a very difficult one, the details of which I'm not going into, and it continues to be difficult.  There are aspects of my life which have caused me no end of heartache, stress and problems this year in particular, and which are ongoing.  I can't change the things that are happening, but what I can do (and am) is changing how I react and cope with them.  It's a challenging process, but if I'm to stay sane and not have a nervous breakdown (and I don't say that lightly), then I have to plough on with it.

For my entire adult life, since the age of 13 actually, I've had to take control, be in charge, organise and look after others - and this from a time when bad things were happening to me and I was in desperate need of help, which I didn't get, and that had a big impact on my life.  I've always been the strong one in our family, the one who took control, organised everything and got things done and was the shoulder for people to cry on.  However, 50 years of being the strong one has taken its toll, physically and mentally, and I no longer feel capable of doing everything....the older I get, the harder it is, especially with failing health.  I've also found that I can't rely on others, not for practical help but for emotional support, and that's been very hard.

The things going on can't be changed, so I've been exploring ways to make day to day life a bit better.  I'm slowly making small changes which enable me to cope better and give me a bit of pleasure and calmness.